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13 weeks since dad died.

(17 Posts)
Dawn62 Sun 15-Jan-23 18:03:26

Hello,i have asked for advice while my dad was in hospital and when he died 13 weeks ago tomorrow and it just as well be today.Mum and i are really struggling,but i am worried about mum she is 80 been married to dad for 61 years and he did everything financial so i am doing that now because she doesn't know anything that is ok i can do,so that at the moment sorting out his bits is keeping me busy but i must go over those few weeks before he died and the day he died a hundred times a day in my head and some days are so dark it scares me,so i can't imagine how mum is feeling,quite a few times she has told me she wants to die she misses him so much and i really think at this moment she will go this year,i just don't know how i can help her,i am trying to put dad out of my mind to much and hope to deal with the loss when i have sorted out all his bits and mum is coping better,mum and i talk non stop about dad and i visit 3 times a week take her out for a few hours,i feel guilty it is only 3 times but i have my grandchildren a couple of days 40 miles away and i have a husband,who has been brilliant i am starting to worry what is ahead for us but guessing that is natural after a loss.
We never had a burial for dad it was a cremation no service etc mum couldn't face it so of course it was her choice,so another way it does not feel real no goodbye,mum still does not want the ashes collected and i feel guilty over that like dad did not matter,some days i talk to him and say dad if you can hear me give me a sign,all his things are still at home,his garden jacket still in the kitchen feels like he is still there and everytime i go in i wait to hear him say all right Dawn same words everytime and mum would say leave her get in the door first.
Sorry to babble but what can we do how do you start to deal with loss,mum and i don't hug we did the day dad died but i can't since mum has never been a hugger and when she cries i struggle because it is awkward i juts can't do it,i think about it,it is just not a natural thing with her anyone else yes dad and i would always hug,just feel like what's the point at the moment,dad was 83 so a good age just unexpected when he died.
Many thanks for reading.

MayBee70 Sun 15-Jan-23 18:13:26

Not much I can say to help other than my cousin lost her husband of 60 years a few weeks ago and there’s nothing I can do to take the pain away. Can I say how sorry I am for what you and your mum are going through. My family aren’t huggers either but as I got older I realised that when there are no words that can help a hug can be worth a thousand words so can I send you a virtual hug x

silverlining48 Sun 15-Jan-23 18:18:54

I remember you posting before Dawn. I am sorry its still so hard, but it is early days and having to help your mum with all the paperwork must be causing you and her extra stress. Well done fir supporting her. Why not give her a hug, you might be surprised.
Give yourself time, it will get easier .

VioletSky Sun 15-Jan-23 18:19:33

Please take the time you need to grieve this loss

If you just keep going for the sake of others eventually you are going to crash.

You need time to grieve now and you need support now.

Please put your mum in touch with bereavement services who can support her and take the time you need. So far none of your needs have been met or considered

crazyH Sun 15-Jan-23 18:27:15

Your grief is palpable. Only time will heal the pain that your Mum and you are going through. 13 weeks is really no time at all. Btw, are you an only child?
I am a bit younger than your Mum. I am on my own (divorced). I too have a great family, but I have joined a 50+ group. Are there any such groups that your Mum could join ?
Funny you mentioned ‘hugs’. We are also not a ‘huggy’ family. But we know we love one another.
Sorry, I can’t offer much valuable advice, except to suggest that you continue to support her. flowers

BlueBelle Sun 15-Jan-23 18:37:33

Funny isn’t it I don’t think we were great huggers either I don’t think our generation were as open with their feelings as the younger generation who hug everybody, I ve learnt off them and hug more now but don’t let that get to you
It’s going to be so hard just let yourself cry when and where you want and think about your dad as much as you want
I lost mum and dad 11 years ago and I still cry when I think of them
After Dad died I spent weeks hunting for something with his voice on going over phones, old ones, old answer machines and I couldn’t find anything and his voice drifted away from me and I was so so upset about that Even now it breaks me that I can’t remember his voice I can recall things he said but I can’t hear his actual voice in my head I have lots of photos thankfully

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 15-Jan-23 18:44:19

I’m so sorry Dawn. I remember you posting from when your dear Dad was in hospital and after he passed away and about Christmas.

I can imagine your dear Mum’s difficulty in coming to terms with things after such a very long marriage. In addition to that, your sister lives with her doesn’t she and it isn’t easy.

It’s difficult for your Mum to think about your Dad’s ashes. It was just as difficult for my Mum at 80 and we agreed to have Dad’s ashes scattered at the crematorium’s garden of remembrance and have a rose planted there in his memory. The people at the crem dealt with this as Mum was terminally ill. I did however have him mentioned on Mum’s headstone a couple of months later; she honoured his preference for cremation although it wasn’t her own.

I hope that will help you a little, You and your Mum have done right by your Dad. You are helping your Mum with practical things in just the way your Dad would have done and that’s just what he would have wanted. You have done right by your Dad and you might perhaps collect his ashes to keep until such time as your Mum feels able to say what she wants or until their ashes can be intermingled. I am keeping some ashes and can assure you it’s not gruesome.

You can’t take away your Mum’s grief, nobody can. But see her as often as you can given your other commitments, which we all have, and show her you love her as you so clearly do. The occasional outing will help her as well, and encouragement to join any club which might interest her and provide friendship. Beyond that there’s nothing you can do for her - but do look after yourself too. I have no experience, but might bereavement counselling help both of you?

By now others will doubtlessly have made much more helpful posts, but I wish you well - please keep in touch. 💐

MadeInYorkshire Sun 15-Jan-23 18:56:59

hello - I lost my daughter to suicide on the 24th November, and I am raw too ... on Tuesday, I did a spreadsheet of my financial incomings and outgoings, and found I had less than £32 a week to buy food, cleaning stuff, toiletries, home maintenance, a social life etc and I just sobbed and sobbed my heart out - I cannot even afford to go on without her and I did not know what to do. Had it not been for one of my dogs, I would have joined her, gladly .... as she put it one day when I was in hospital ...

"I have to admit, I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m in this miserable cycle of self loathing, terrified for my mum in hospital, a depressive episode and guilt for not being at work and bringing money in. I know being at work might help, but I’ve convinced myself I’m not wanted or any use there anyway - and it begins again.

Last night, I didn’t know how it would end; it’s exhausting being constantly told you’re “dramatic”, “being like that” or “an inconvenience” whilst you’re suicidal. I’d called the Intensive Services who told me to “think of the positives”, “take a bath” and “try and get out tomorrow”. Quite frankly, it definitely sounded as though I was boring the man trained to deal with these situations.

I was pulsing with sadness, rage, worthlessness and impulsivity, ready to do anything to hurt myself, all day I had been thinking of ways to hang myself, thinking about which meds were in the house and how many fresh blades I have left - until Gryff came to sit next to me and do his “snoot under the arm” while I was crying at the top of the stairs. I clung to him and I wailed.

If I had died, no one would have been there to feed either of them. By hurting myself, I’d put them in danger, which I just cannot do. He kept us all safe last night.

Gryff climbed onto my lap; and let me have my emotional breakdown. He’s always been very sensitive to changes in people and he’s stayed stoically by my side since mum was taken to hospital. So has Dora, however she just likes company and being fed.

We don’t deserve dogs.

In light of this weekend, with the sudden loss of a well known and loved celebrity to suicide, I will keep talking and talking about my experiences until others realise that IT’S TOTALLY FINE to do so, and emotional pain needs to be addressed and treated just as much as physical pain. Realise that your words could impact someone’s feelings, and an accumulation of similar encounters may just push that person over the edge.

Be kind, like my dog, always."

He saved me too on Tuesday, and on Wednesday I got my angry head on.

Two days before she died, martin Lewis had a tv programme on ITV and within an hour of his show ending, I was 'tweeting' one of his guests who offered to help me. Then she died, and I just didn't have the brain power to fight or campaign anymore. On Wednesday, I got back in touch with him, and tomorrow they will be contacting the DWP with me as they also think they are wrong and will try to help me sort it out, so fingers crossed ...

There are many charities out there that will do 'online counselling' but you have to ask, and that is hard in itself, and there is also CRUSE (but I know that a few people on here have had issues with them). Has she been to her GP, or are they useless too? She 'should' be able to access face to face help there, but they don't all do it. We are going with a specific 'suicide survivor's charity' so it's a bit different, as she was so so young.

It's a shame you didn't have a service - I found that did help a bit to say goodbye, and we are having her ashes put into the local cemetery in a couple of weeks time, so that we have somewhere to go and visit going forwards, have bit of quiet time with her and leave some flowers - it's not for everyone but for myself, her sister and nieces it is important.

Could you pick up the ashes maybe - I know for us we wanted her home for Christmas, and she is now sat on my dresser, which some may find odd, but I personally find it more comforting than her being sat on a Funeral Director's shelf.

I'm so sorry. it is very hard and there is no 'one size fits all', but maybe you could suggest a few of the things above, and maybe they would help you too?

Take care x

crazyH Sun 15-Jan-23 19:12:01

MadeinYorkshire - how sad ! My daughter and I had a little tiff earlier. She said some hurtful things. As a Mother, I shouldn’t have to put up with it. But I do, I always do. I hope you can sort out your finances too flowers

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 15-Jan-23 19:26:46

Madein Yorkshire, I’m so very, very sorry. Quite apart from your shock and grief, as if that were not enough to break anyone, you have money worries. A terrible combination. I don’t find ashes sitting on dresser at all odd - same here and very comforting. Don’t worry about anyone else thinks.

Have you looked at the Age UK website to find out what benefits you may be entitled to? You can’t manage on the amount you mention, nor should you have to try to.

Yes, our pets keep us going. A reason to get up in the morning. I know that as well as anyone. Please keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. Lots of friends here. 💐

Callistemon21 Sun 15-Jan-23 19:36:03

I can feel for you, Dawn and for your poor Mum.

When my father died we took it in turns to look after my Mum, who was disabled due to illness. When I tucked her up for her afternoon nap, I can still remember her saying 'I miss your Dad and I just want to go to sleep, not wake up and be with him'.
I think your Mum does need a hug, even if she's never been a hugger.

MadeInYorkshire I really don't know how you must be feeling, it is not the natural order of things, but sending a hug to you too.

Yammy Sun 15-Jan-23 19:54:53

I feel sorry for you both .Only people who have been there really know what you are feeling. Especially the suicide of a child.
If you seek professional help I am sure you will find it.
Phone your surgery and ask if they have a list.
Unfortunately only you can help yourself out of the way you are feeling but maybe talking to others who have fealt like you in the same situation would help.

Fleurpepper Sun 15-Jan-23 20:04:55

Some deaths are in the order of the world- we lose elderly parents. It's hard, and we think about them every day- and it is hard for the remaining parent. But it is the normal order. My dad died aged 96 of having lost my mum, aged 94, just a couple of months later. From a broken heart. But it is the normal order of the world. So I hope you will slowly come to terms with it, and manage to hug your mum. Hugs can heal so much.

But to lose a child, and to lose a child of suicide- is not how it should be, never, ever. And I am not sure how you ever get over it. My heart goes out to you- and I hope you get the help you need to get over the money and practical issues.

Callistemon21 Sun 15-Jan-23 20:11:22

Some deaths are in the order of the world
Yes, hard but not unexpected.

Losing a child must be the hardest thing to bear.

silverlining48 Sun 15-Jan-23 22:38:12

It is every parents worst possible nightmare. So very very sorry MadeinYorkshire. X

MadeInYorkshire Mon 16-Jan-23 11:53:14

Thanks to all of you who have sent good wishes ... hopefully the lady who will be helping me this afternoon with the DWP will be able to sort things out financially?

*CrazyH - I think we have spoken before about this some time ago? It's not acceptable and we shouldn't have to put up with it really? I now know that she had a serious MH problem and sometimes it wasn't her speaking and her 'acting out' was a part of it - could there be a similar issue with your daughter do you think?

I have signed up with a service that does counselling for people who have lost someone to suicide, so hopefully that will help, as I am carrying quite a lot of guilt. The GP who is excellent, can offer little sadly but he will listen to me sounding off, and has done for years!

*Dawn62, I hope some of my suggestions may help a little and that you are okay? Sending hugs xx

Dawn62 Mon 16-Jan-23 17:53:14

Thank you so much Madeinyorkshire for your kindness and words of advice.I hope you manage to sort all your things out and i am so sorry to read about the loss of your daughter sending you a hug.x