Pure Cremations

I'm having a direct cremation and my adult children respect my decision.
I'll have my ashes scattered in places where I have happy memories.

That's what my husband said. Blondiescot. He said 'Have a party' (assuming I'm still here). I'm not sure how I would say to people 'He's died I'm having a party'. I suppose a meet up and a chat about him would be acceptable.

i have a direct cremation plan, have discussed it with my daughter, and have said have a meal or whatever she feels like doing.

From your account this is what I would wish for myself. Some people regard the funeral as a last chance to say goodbye. To me its just a vulgar show for the world. Mourning is done in the heart and not by wearing black garments. The price of a funeral now is atrocious and a dreadful waste of money. I would never pay that out for a relative.

My parents both left money in the estate earmarked for a cremation. When my surviving parent died my sister arranged the funeral and allowed herself to be suckered into agreeing to all kinds of extras. She tried to guilt trip me into going halves with her but I dug my heels in and said no. Take the extras out of the estate. However the greedy undertakers wants the money up front.

A funeral need not be a ‘vulgar show’, BigLouis. My mother’s was very simple, with the music and hymns she liked, inc. a beautiful recording of Panis Angelicus, soprano solo by a Gdd with her school choir.

I’m not at all religious, but I found it both fitting and comforting. Since my Dm was 97 there weren’t many attendees - we had drinks and a simple lunch in our garden afterwards.

Not long ago, sitting outside a SW London pub, I saw a horse drawn hearse go by - black horses with plumes on their heads, top-hatted undertakers in black + it was like something out of Dickens - quite a spectacle.
And IMO if that’s what the family want, that’s their choice.

My funeral will be extremely simple, in a small country church followed by burial in the churchyard where generations of my family have been buried over many centuries. Certainly not a vulgar show.

To me its just a vulgar show for the world

No it isn’t. This is simply just your opinion, presumably based on vulgar shows you have experienced.
For me it was a beautiful tribute to a life lived courageously and respecting the very deep and sincere religious faith of my DH.
He is buried in our village churchyard in a peaceful spot overlooking the fields where we used to walk. Rosie and I walk up there most days and despite my sadness I feel close to him.
Please do NOT always seek to impose your views on the rest of us.

I’m sorry you’re feeling such distress, Moneyboss. Whatever other people’s thoughts on cost etc are, these are your feelings and they deserve to be acknowledged.

I’ve been to far too many funerals in recent years and it’s odd how each has its own ‘vibe’. The one for my sister was upsetting and sad yet it also had a tinge of humour and a memory of her because I could see her fingerprints all over the planning, which was comforting. On the other hand, there have been some funerals I didn’t attend, of people more on the periphery of my life and where it felt like an intrusion into a family’s grief, so I didn’t go.

Perhaps you could hold more of a celebration of your mother’s life in the Spring, to remember something particular about her - say a love of gardening so you could have a garden party - and invite people.

Remember, too, that a direct cremation has been the deceased person’s choice but that doesn’t mean you have to forget all about that person as if they never existed.

Take care.

It’s not rational, but I felt I had abandoned each dog to go alone on that last journey

My thoughts too. I have - with one exception- held my dog in my arms while he/she slipped painlessly away. I owed them that at the very least.
My one exception was lovely Hattie who had to be PTS during lockdown and I could not be with her even when admitted to the Vet Hospital where she received her final diagnosis. I felt I had failed her.
There are clearly different attitudes to bereavement and loss on this thread as elsewhere - we should each of us do what we feel is RIGHT - not “what others do” or what we may feel is “expected”
“To thine own self be true”

My OH had a simple cremation - we were told what time it would be and I asked friends and family to raise a glass/cup of something to him at the time (it was 8.50am!) and followed his instructions to have party later which was lovely and far more relaxed than a funeral tea.

I should just say it was only my dog’s body which made the final journey alone - on each occasion we were, fortunately be able to be there when they were pts. It must have been very difficult for you with Hattie, Maw. Your husband’s resting place sounds exactly like mine. 💐

One result of Covid was how the idea of funerals has changed perhaps.

Many people who died during the pandemic, (but not of coronavirus necessarily) had to have very small funerals with just a few close family present. I can think of several who died back then, the family said a celebration of the deceased’s life would take place when restrictions were lifted. More often than not, it never materialised. So smaller funerals are now quite acceptable.

But that doesn’t mean a funeral with absolutely no one present, not to me anyhow.

Each to his own however, but like a wedding, there are ways to minimise the cost.

I look at the adverts where you pay now, die later. I always wonder what happens if the company goes under. I could die this year or in 20 years time. How do I know that will be there in 20 years time, or even later this year?

I would choose this and pay for it ahead of time, except for cremation being so bad for the environment.

I wouldn’t like either of my parents to have had a Pure Cremation. I was full of grief at both their deaths but I found arranging their funerals to be so therapeutic. I spent lots of time choosing the readings and the music. I chose lovely venues for the reception afterwards. In fact I remember joking with friends that it almost felt like arranging a wedding! I can look back on both these events with huge satisfaction that each of my parents had a beautiful and fitting send off. It was the very last thing I could do for them and I was so happy that I could do it well.

MiniMoom

My father's funeral was like your cousin's . He was a Catholic who had become an atheist and refused any fom of religious service. He had a funeral with only his favourite music playing then the curtains closed round the coffin.Some of the family were upset about having no religion there but that was what he had wanted

Maw, I was momentarily hurt reading the view that funerals are just a vulgar show for the world. That certainly wasn’t true of the funeral we arranged for my lovely husband. He was well known locally, the Church was full. The service reflected his values beliefs, loves and joys. He is buried in a beautiful woodland we have loved for years. The wake was a celebration of a rich life well lived
The fact that not everyone wants this kind of funeral doesn’t mean it’s something to be sneered at

Iam64

Maw, I was momentarily hurt reading the view that funerals are just a vulgar show for the world. That certainly wasn’t true of the funeral we arranged for my lovely husband. He was well known locally, the Church was full. The service reflected his values beliefs, loves and joys. He is buried in a beautiful woodland we have loved for years. The wake was a celebration of a rich life well lived
The fact that not everyone wants this kind of funeral doesn’t mean it’s something to be sneered at

Iam64 The fact that not everyone wants this kind of funeral doesn’t mean it’s something to be sneered at

Indeed

Everyone should be able to have precisely their desire.

To be honest although I can see why some might choose this, I think a funeral be it church or cremation can give people closure and it can help in the long run . These big companies that offer this service are far from cheap and any local funeral director can offer the same service probably cheaper if anyone is thinking along these lines phone your local director and get a quote.

My parents both left their bodies to science, but only my father’s was accepted when the time came. We had a family lunch to celebrate his long life (he was 94). It was perfect.

When my mother died we didn’t realise that it was possible to have no ceremony, so we had a very unsatisfactory one at the crematorium. It was quite upsetting. She hadn’t wanted anything. We’d have much preferred a direct cremation, and so would she.

I really don’t see the need for a funeral, unless you’re religious I suppose, but even then….

I consider it the thing you do for anyone and a tribute to all they have meant to you, but in the end it’s the persons own wishes that should be respected. My family is broken, so as long as it’s just me and my son that’s ok as it wouldn’t feel right my d not there.

I’ve started this conversation with my husband and children. Whilst he’d like a full churching in the church he’s known since childhood whereas I have a much more complicated relationship with religion after an upbringing in strict Catholicism. If my children can accept my wish for a direct cremation then I’ll go ahead. They will be encouraged to party after. I’ve been comprising a play list for years,

I have thought for many years that funerals are torture especially for those closest to the deceased and I have always said that I wanted a direct cremation with no mourners, service etc. I tried to talk to my late DH several times about his wishes but he wouldn't discuss and then several months before he passed away he did say he would just have the same as me. That is what I did but still think that he was maybe just saying that to appease me or stop me asking and maybe that wasn't what he would really have wanted so it's become just another of the many decisions I'm beating myself up about. I would just urge everybody to try hard to find out the true wishes of their loved ones.

Just to add that Pure Cremation do offer the option of an "attended cremation" if wanted. It's for 30 minutes, and they can add any piece of music requested.

I chose direct cremation for both my parents having talked it over with my children. The thought of sitting in an empty crematorium (just the 6 of us) was too much. They were 97 and 100 when they died and all their friends had gone before them or were too old to travel.
I was told at what time the cremation would take place and at that time we all thought of them. It was not at all distressing.