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Pure Cremations

(48 Posts)
Moneyboss123 Mon 13-Feb-23 00:39:53

Further to my post 'loss of my mum'. She'd arranged and paid for a Pure Cremation ( there are other companies offering the same type of service) . Knowing what i know now, I would have tried to talk her out of it. I have found not having a funeral really distressing. She was taken from her house and cremated without anyone present. Although my siblings and I got together to remember her, it wasn't the same as a funeral with all her family and friends there.

crazyH Mon 13-Feb-23 01:44:26

I thought that was the point - less expense, less sadness and tears. I might consider that

grandMattie Mon 13-Feb-23 05:25:25

She probably wanted the minimum expense. Why don’t you have a ceremony and wake for the interment of her ashes? That way you will have closure.

Calendargirl Mon 13-Feb-23 07:19:06

Hope it doesn’t happen for a long time yet, but after over 50 years together, would hate to think of DH making his final journey alone.

I would want to be there, and think he would want to be there for me.

Allsorts Mon 13-Feb-23 07:50:12

Would hate to think of my loved one going alone. Maybe your mother did not fully understand that it not only meant no cars, fancy coffin etc.but no one there. I didn't know that. The advert on telly showing the jovial family makes light of it. Your mother probably thought it would save you worry and stress on top of grieving. If you loved her and were there in life thats what is important.

Blondiescot Mon 13-Feb-23 07:53:14

My mum did this years ago, before this type of service was widely advertised. It was a bit weird, but I can't say I found it distressing. My dad's cremation (when I was 19) was far more upsetting.

EMMYPEMMY Mon 13-Feb-23 08:04:41

I think it helps the children not laying out lots of unnecessary money
We came in the world unannounced let's go out the same.
Why have lots of people standing around your coffin singing your praises you cannot hear them. They should say it in Life , visit you in Life, share you in Life .

EMMYPEMMY Mon 13-Feb-23 08:07:14

How do people cope with estranged children and Grandparents
I have a daughter who as she gets older becomes more nasty and uncaring towards us . Keeping my Grandaughter from us

Toetoe Mon 13-Feb-23 08:22:39

Due to family issues I have made this decision , I had a funeral planned but my adult kids don't speak its been years . I decided I didn't want a funeral with a broken family avoiding each other so I've arranged a direct cremation. They can do what they want or not afterwards

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 13-Feb-23 08:25:32

Leaving aside the religious aspect, though it’s important for me, funerals are for the living. OP has demonstrated that.

Shinamae Mon 13-Feb-23 08:26:06

I have a Pure cremation in place. When I die, my body will be taken,cremated and the ashes returned to my family ,then when they are ready,be that the next day, the next month or the next year, they will take me to the beach where I have asked my ashes to be scattered and then on the way home they are to stop at a restaurant and have a lovely meal and raise a glass. I cannot stand funerals my children understand this and are quite happy with my plans.

Luckygirl3 Mon 13-Feb-23 08:28:54

There is nothing to stop the family having a celebration similar to a funeral service, where people talk about the deceased and what they meant to them. The scattering/interment of the ashes could form part of that.

Iam64 Mon 13-Feb-23 08:47:08

I agree with germsnshepherdsmum. Funerals are for the living. I don’t agree that a funeral ‘brings closure’ but I do believe it’s a significant part of the grieving process.

My father told us he wanted me to arrange the clergy, we could choose hymns providing his favourite, the king of love my shepherd is was sung. Mum wanted her service to be similar - both wanted cremation.
My husband was given a devastating, unexpected, diagnosis last year. He died six months later. He wanted to live and took every palliative treatment offered. We did talk about his wishes, which were to be buried in a woodland remembrance garden, to have all his loved ones sing Jerusalem. That’s what happened. It was very important to his family and friends that the huge unexpected loss was shared

GagaJo Mon 13-Feb-23 09:03:50

My mum wanted and had this. It was weird but ok. The weird bit was the day of her cremation. But I was thinking of her and remembering.

Later, family got together to scatter her ashes.

Not having a funeral made little difference. I find them forced and artificial anyway.

henetha Mon 13-Feb-23 09:48:20

I've left instructions for no funeral. The enormous expense just isn't worth it. Especially as I have very few relatives to attend and most of my friends have died.
Just a private cremation and then a little family get together and play some Queen music.
This makes perfect sense to me, but each to his own of course.

Redhead56 Mon 13-Feb-23 09:55:37

I think a private celebration of life when it suits family members is a nice way to say good bye to loved ones.

I arranged simple cremation and a celebratory meal for our auntie who wanted no fuss whatsoever. This what I also plan on arranging for myself my DH is undecided. My family all work and don’t live close by each other I want them to get on with their own busy lives,

It’s only a personal thought but funerals are outdated and expensive. Our son and daughter will have enough on their hands sorting out our possessions and property.

Kate1949 Mon 13-Feb-23 10:13:07

My husband wants one of these. At the last funeral we went to he said 'Im not putting people through this'.

Smileless2012 Mon 13-Feb-23 10:20:58

When my mum died I felt in a difficult position organising her funeral. I am religious and my faith is important to me but she wasn't.

When my stepdad died she did what they both wanted and had a humanist service, which was lovely but I was torn as I did at the very least want the committal and the Lord's prayer.

Our vicar really helped me. She said that the funeral needed to be something I would find some comfort in as well as respecting mum's wishes, so I compromised with no bible readings and no hymns.

It was an important part of the grieving process for me as due to a complex family situation there'd been virtually no contact with her for the last 2 or 3 years of her life, and due to that and Covid restrictions, I was unable to say goodbye before she died.

Estrangement often makes a difficult time even more so EMMYPEMMY. We've been estranged from our youngest son for more than 10 years and I do not want him to attend my funeral. Mr. S. is undecided but recognises it would better for me if our ES did not attend his.

When the time comes I hope that he will respect our wishes if only for the sake of his extended family who he's also estranged, and would find it hard if he chose to attend.

pascal30 Mon 13-Feb-23 10:23:52

A friend was saying recently that that's what she has planned as she has no children and very few relatives. Ithink it's a bit sad for her friends. I'm hoping for a very simple green funeral, and to be buried under a silver birch tree..

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 13-Feb-23 10:51:47

I can only see a Pure Cremation in terms of the distress I have felt when my dogs have been pts, taken some distance for individual cremation and their ashes were returned - as opposed to when I had cats who were buried in the garden. It’s not rational, but I felt I had abandoned each dog to go alone on that last journey. Many will scoff and say ‘only dogs’, but they were much loved family members - hence the likeness I see with PC.

NotSpaghetti Mon 13-Feb-23 11:44:24

Germanshepherdsmum Like you, I think I need to be there.
But as I prefer the "earthiness" and "solidity" of burials to cremations I suppose I am biased.

I am a person who weeps easily (with both sadness and joy) so the emotional aspect of these loving tears around a hole in the ground is actually cathartic.

MiniMoon Mon 13-Feb-23 12:05:39

When my cousin died he didn't want a funeral service, hymns and such. He asked his children to arrange a cremation without a service. He only wanted close family there, so his children invited his remaining living family (there aren't many of us). We sat in the Chapel and listened to his favourite music, the curtains closed around the coffin. We listened to another song and went home. His children went to the local pub, we could have gone too, but had commitments.
It was weird but it was what he wanted.

Reubenblue Mon 13-Feb-23 12:24:31

My sister, who died at the end of last year, had arranged a direct funeral. Together earlier in the year we had our Dad’s funeral, it was as he would have wished a fairly ‘cheerful’ affair but my sister and I both felt it was so distressing that neither of us would want the same. We knew she was very ill and she made her own arrangements and very recently her ashes have been scattered in a favourite spot with a lovely meal afterwards for chatting and memories.

Kate1949 Mon 13-Feb-23 12:27:57

I have mixed feelings. Our daughter recently went to a funeral. She said to me 'Mom everyone should have a funeral. It was a wonderful tribute to him'.

Blondiescot Mon 13-Feb-23 12:29:52

But there's nothing to stop anyone having that kind of thing even with a 'pure cremation'. You could have whatever kind of tribute you wanted to the deceased afterwards.