Does it get easier?

Our 62nd today, NannyG, and the third without P. Just as bereft but I recognise that nobody wants to know now so I will look and sound as normal as I can - even though I am not.

I lost my DH in July so I still feel so so raw and vulnerable.... I feel I'm just filling in time, don't really want to go on... Today would have been our 51st wedding annuversary, I'm heartbroken and lonely........
Does it get easier, I sincerely hope so.

Sorry but it helps to offload to like minded posters. Thankyou ❤️

Thankyou Ladies for your lovely posts I have realised that it probably won’t get much better so I am just going to keep going and take care of my scallywags as their dad would have wanted.
Take care.

Hand trembled.
And can't but I still talk out loud everyday to my husband and I swear ,shout and rage at him for leaving me but I see him with that stupid grin on his face. And know because of him I can carry on with my life.

I am an atheist but what gives me comfort is our children and 5 grandson's have part of his DNA so he lives on in them . It was so hard when my first grandson was born as my man wanted to be a granddad so much. So I promised my grandson I would love him twice as much and he would know about his granddad.

I love all my grandsons for him and me . But as some will know my son decided 4 years ago to give me the boot as his mom . I haven't done anything thing wrong and will never understand why. But my son was cruel and cowardly as he did it by email . My grandsons with him and my daughter in law will be 8,6 and the youngest who I don't know his name or exact date of birth he was due in July so I always wish him happy birthday on the date he is now 4.

Luckily I have a wonderful daughter ,son in law and 2 grandson's one aged 6.5 and his brother will be 4 in November.

We are the lucky ones to have found the other half of ourselves some people live their whole lives and never have that . That's why it hurts so much for all of us . We are half a person .

Fartooold you and your husband are and where wonderful people and it's doubly hard for you with your 3 children . My youngest uncle had Downs and he hero worshipped my dad his big brother . And when my dad died and my aunt had to tell him he gave up and died exactly 2 months to my dad. He was 57 . He was born in 1950 but he always lived at home and went to special school then to a workshop where they made things for the charity. And he had what he called his wages every Friday they gave them bit of money . He was 8 years older than me and when I was 8 and my brother 7 we used to take him to the corner shop to buy his comic and sweets. He was 50 before they found out he was born with a hole in his heart.
Thankfully Downs children are better looked after and have proper health checks at birth . But it must be so hard having to explain why their dad isn't home with you and them . You should be very proud of yourself and your husband not many people would adopt disabled children. You must be very special . ❤️

Never give up wanting to live I know it's hard but I have never wanted to die . I have come close to dieing through jaundice in 2017 and that made me more determined to live . But I realised how alone I was for once in my life I needed looking after 24/7 and there was no one and that was the first time I felt frightened living on my own . It's was few weeks after my mom's funeral and just thought life had caught up with me and my body was telling me to rest. I couldn't see I was yellow. The 5 months when I was so ill I made 3 decisions what I wanted out of life it was only move ,loose weight and get fit . And have done all that. Because my husband never lived here I have a home again. In my old house I heard my husband come through the front door at 6.30 and drop both this briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs. I saw him everyday sitting in his armchair. But here as my armchairs are identical I don't see him sitting but when I see him his by the french doors and at Christmas he is by the tree which my 2 grandson's decorate it. Christmas was his favourite time of the year he was like a big kid . But he was mine .

Love like grief never dies and you will find ways to cope but you have to give yourself time . There is no right or wrong way to grief but your way whatever it is .

My heart goes out to you all but know you are all stronger than you think I know it doesn't feel like you are but you are . Please believe it . No matter what you face in your life know your husband / partner is with you and always will be. You have your past and making a new present and future is hard but you can do because you where given unconditional love and gave it in return and that is so precious.💕

Fartooold, Iam64,Doodle and everyone here . It will never get easier when you haven't got the other half of you . If my experience is anything to go by. 20 years since the love of my life died. In the early years I used to count it by days ,weeks and months . I have said before I call the first 10 years the early years of grief. And wanting and needing the other half of yourself only gets worse as you get older as they have missed so much . But we have to get through each day the best way we can because we have to live the life they would have had. And that's what they would want for us and it's bloody hard .

20 years on the grief can still overwhelm me but I let it as I realised I was a fool trying to be brave ,but what did I know about bone crushing grief at 45.

Nothing prepares you for the overwhelming feelings of total loss. They are frozen in time at whatever age they died. But we age . They say with age comes wisdom but that doesn't apply to grief. Grief hurts me more now than when my darling man took his last breath. He was very wise my husband and knew what I needed to live without him and that was a series of promises he made me keep and I have kept everyone.

The rage and angry I feel everyday as it was my fit healthy husband died and I have been disabled from birth and still here. I was prepared from 1988 to die first when my health got worse. I thought it will be fine as he will look after the children and always be there for them. But they would have to watch him when I first died as I knew he would drink to much to take the pain away.

I am lonely but only for my husband . Even after the children left home 2 years after he died I wasn't lonely or frightened living on my own . But then again I didn't have time as I had both parents and mother in law to look after. I didn't have a life any more . I existed . My house was just a house it wasn't home the moment my husband died. I didn't have a home again until I moved here 5 years next month. And finally I am doing what he wanted most for me and live a full life . I found me again I didn't realise I had lost me .

Because I instead of us it's hard to cope with to be me . When you are with the love of your life, your life makes sense . When they die nothing makes sense . Nothing is easy anymore and you second guess yourself all the time . I still put my hand on his side of the bed expectancy him to be there. When we have good or bad things happen in our lives they are the first person we want to tell .

Fartooold your adopted children got lucky to be with you and your husband. It must be hard for you to cope on your own. Loneliness is awful. I can be with people but still be lonely.
Iam I have a lovely family and friends too but I want my special person back. I’m doing my best to go out and meet people. That bit is a little bit easier now but the times when the loss overwhelms me I find hard to get through.

I’m blessed with two adult daughters, their children and even their wacky partners. I tell myself I have family and friends so not lonely but that doesn’t stop me feeling alone. The absence of my husband ever present

I am two years down the road and personally find it’s no easier I am so lonely. I am more fortunate than most as my lovely husband and I adopted 3 with Down Syndrome and they are still living at home. They are the reason to get up and get moving! I feel for all you ladies please stay strong.

*Iam it’s really hard isn’t it.

Thanks Whiff such a thoughtful post

Doodle ,Iam64 and anyone in the early weeks ,months and years of the lost of your other half of yourselves. I have said it often it's the heavy price we pay for loving and being so loved in return. There is no cure for grief but it takes time to learn yo live with it . Please give yourself time and never fight your feelings . I would never won't anyone to hurt themselves the way I did by thinking I had to be brave for everyone else I was a fool but at 45 I never knew what bone crushing grief was.

Grief can effect your physical and mental health no one ever tells you that . I found bereavement group useless and only went because my children thought it would help. As no one understood what it felt like for me . At least on threads here you can be yourself and even if no one reads what you write I have found writing it down stops the feelings you feel at the time festering . Once written it's out of your mind.

Unfortunately we can't have our old lives back with our other halves . As much as I didn't want to tell my husband to stop struggling as he couldn't breath on full oxygen I had to and he died few minutes later. He was in agony and had been for months but only the 2 of us knew how much . He was like me stubborn and had temper and decided at Christmas he wanted to get to his 47th birthday we promised we would get him there . He died 4 days after. I wish he had died earlier but it was important to achieve what he wanted.

You want to shut the world by out and not be bothered with anything. But as we all know death gives no time to grief properly as there is so much paperwork and people to contact. Then there is the hiatus waiting for the funeral even then after it it's there still more paperwork and waiting for probate to go through. Plus well meaning loved ones and friends thinking you need company and going out when all you want us to be left alone . I was glad when the children left home they had to live their own lives as they have their whole lives ahead of them and I no longer had to pretend I was ok. It's exhausting pretending. I never wanted them to know how I felt as they had their own grief to contend with .

I didn't want to be bothered with anything but I had no choice what course my life took. I couldn't abandon my parents and the mother in law I hated with every fibre of my being but they needed me . So did what my family always had done looked after those that needed it.

It was like walking through treacle every day and night . I step forward and 4 back. I have said before I existed my life was over but it was my choice to look after them I couldn't not it's the way I was brought up you looked after family and those that needed you.

I didn't realise how much I lost myself and how much it damaged my health. But I would do it all again because you can't change the past it's gone.

Making a new present and future is hard and I think those of you who where together longer it's harder as you had been a couple for more decades than me . And I think the longer you are a couple the longer it takes to come to terms with being on your own . So pleased give yourself time and if you want alone time tell people you do.

I have found I don't want to not feel grief as it's the rage and anger that I feel over my fit healthy husband dieing that gets me through another day and how I cope with whatever life throws at me and boy I have had things I never thought would happen to me happen .

The best thing I ever did since my husband died was move to the north west and found me again and finally living the life my husband wanted for me . Be 5 years next month since I moved to my bungalow. But you take your memories,love for your other half with you and your grief with you . But at least I have a life again . I no longer exist but live my life to the full. But my grief gets worse as the years go by and still overwhelms me at times . But my life would be the poorer if I hadn't had the love of my life for as long as I did.

So pleased give yourself time and never fight your grief and take comfort in anyway you can if it's a good cry ,blaming your loved one for dieing lost track the times I have done that ,screaming ,shouting or hitting a pillow what ever you need do it. And when you need time to shut the world out do it . Only you know how you feel and what you need to get through each day. But never give up on living we owe it to our other halves to live the best life we can and it's hard but do able . ❤️

I’m 21 months since my husband died. I miss him completely. I miss his presence in the house. I miss him when I walk the dogs, go to the shops, watch tv, cook for one, watch the euros, go to vote - yes all the time. I’m doing ok building this new life but I’d love my old life back.
Yes Doodle, I accept there’s no getting over it, we do our best to live with it 💙

Whiff I can see from friends that we never get over the loss but just have to learn to live with it.
It’s really hard though.
Allsorts like you I sometimes find the grief overwhelming and that frightens me that I won’t cope.

Went to my sit fit class this afternoon as usual . Had a great time learnt some new exercises and had a chat and laugh with everyone.

When I got home said as always to the photo of my husband I'm home. And then burst into tears. No idea why . The grief and loss just hits me even after 20 years. I wasn't feeling sad but had been talking about him at my class and on my craft what's app group this morning. And I just needed to cry.

Then I watched Moulin Rouge and as usual cried buckets at the ending . But it's what I needed .

Grief has no time limit nor any triggers it can just hit you out of the blue. But my love for my husband still is worth the grief and tears.

Allsorts grief like love never dies. Like you I am grateful for the time I had with my husband. It doesn't get any easier as the years go by the grief gets worse as we age and they are forever the age they died. Plus they have missed so much all the highs and lows in our lives and that of our children and grandchildren and in some cases great grandchildren.

I well remember my nan saying she would never live to see us grandchildren grow up. She saw all 11 of us grow up, saw 5 of us get married and had 6 great grandchildren when she died aged 89. Still makes me smile remembering her say it.

I have said many times grief is the price we pay for love but our lives would have been the poorer for never knowing such love . We were the lucky ones to have found it as some people live their whole lives and never know such love or find the other half of themselves . I can't even imagine what that would feel like. But luckily I and all here had that love .

I find sometimes a wave of the loss too great and it overwhelmes me. I make myself pull out of it somehow and find something nice go do or plan for. Life never goes as we plan and I'm grateful for what I had but it does takes time.

Glad my ramble helped you Doodle .

Thanks Whiff yes it does. X

Doodle you have to give it time. It's been mere weeks since your darling husband died. And your grief will never end and if like me after 20 years it's gets worse with each year as my husband has missed so much. The pain you are feeling will be a constant but as the years go by you will learn to cope with it. But it will still overwhelm you at times . After 20 years my husband's dead overwhelms me at the oddest times. I can be cross stitching and watching TV and realise tears are running down my face .

Never fight how you are feeling you must let all the grief out even when the rage and anger hits you but use it to get through another day without your darling Mr D. The rage and anger had never left me but I embrace it and it gets me through anything life throws at me .

I was born disabled my husband knew about my pain and falls from the start it never phased him even when my health got worse in 1988. He just said we alter our life to suit you and the children will have a normal childhood whatever normal is! They where 4 and 6 months.

I was prepared to die first but it was my fit healthy husband who got Cancer and died. I raged at the unfairness it should have been me that died not him. But he was a wise man and knew what I needed to live without and that was a series of promises and I have kept everyone.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve . Your grief is different from your son's .

I wish I could say to you it will stop and you won't feel this hole in life but I can't . The pain will always be with you but so will the love you shared and still have for your husband. He will always be your husband and you will always be Mrs. I hate the fact I am classed as single but to me I am married .

But those of us who have lost the love of our life the other half of ourselves are the lucky ones as some people live their whole lives and never know such love. Our other halves knew the real us and us then . When they die our present and future died to and it's so hard making a new present and future.

I was 45 when my husband died aged 47 the thought of the next 30 years without him terrified me but I never want anyone else.

Billybob this applies to you too . I call the first 10 years early grief .

Every year for 14 years I relived the last 2 weeks of my husband's life it was like watching a black and white film and the anniversary of his death was bone crushing. My children never knew until the 14th year . They used to text to check how I was. I always said sad but ok. The 14th year my daughter phoned instead and it all came out how every year it effected me the same way . She said why didn't you tell me I said because of was protecting her as she had her own grief. She told her brother he said the same thing and I have the same answer. But I made a promise to myself I would never let it happen again. I could grieve my heart out on the anniversary day only and not for 2 weeks and have stuck to that ever since.

So no one thing there is ever getting over the dead of your loved one but it will take years to get used to it . But like I have said never hold it in . I thought I had to to brave for everyone else and I was a fool . But at 45 what did I know about this kind of grief. I know someone on here was lot younger than me when her darling husband died and her children younger than mine as they where 20 and 16 when their dad died. How she has coped have no idea it is bad enough for me but we had 29 years and married 22 when my husband died. It's so much worse for her.

Doodle and Billybob let yourself grieve otherwise you will hurt yourself. I would hate anyone to do what I did and the only person I hurt was me which made my life harder.

Hope this has helped a bit . 💐

Can’t stop my mind thinking. I hope and pray to get through this awful pain

Four years into widowhood, does it get any easier? for me it doesnt although I have wonderful support from friends and family. I hope you have a smoother path to tread

Blackwit that poetry is lovely. I imagine everyone here was like me at first you counted in days hours and minutes ,then weeks ,months and you get to a point you count in years. But it's takes everyone a different time frame. Grief can overwhelm at the oddest times you think you are okay then wam it hits you still does me after 20 years.

I can't and don't want to go places I went to with my husband as those memories are precious and they are our past together. I really rarely say late husband when taking about my husband as he is still with me everyday in my heart and mind . I say he died or is dead. As the only time he was late in our 29 years as a couple was his funeral. The funeral ahead of us ran over and I said dad would hate this and the kids and me laughed . Which enabled us not to cry during the funeral . So many people came it was standing room only .But it was true he hated queuing. Remember in our courting days we where going to the ideal home exhibition in Birmingham after waiting half a hour and the traffic hadn't moved so he turned around and we went to Wales for the day. Another time in the early years he wanted to take me out for dinner but didn't book and there was a 30 mins wait so we had pie and chips from chip shop in the car. We had a favourite chip shop that sold Fleur de Lye pies 😋. That's a blast from the past as they went out of business . But we met in 1975.

Funny how thing's just pop into your head . But they make me smile.

Iam64 I hope you are fighting fit ready for your operation. I have found you probably have to especially after your accident and will find after you op the only person you want is your husband. I had never been frightened living on my own until I had jaundice in 2017 caused by 2 tablets I had been on since 1992. I needed my husband so much . For once I needed someone with me 24/7 and there was no one . I have never felt so alone or felt such fear and didn't know if I would wake every morning for 5 months . I hadn't cried so much or for so long since my husband died . I never want to feel like that again . It made me realise how alone I was . (The children lived over 100 miles away had jobs and my son had a baby . )A feeling I hadn't felt before as I always felt my husband was with me. But felt totally abandoned. I wasn't ready to die then or now. I had always looked after others . I couldn't get any help from hospital or GPs . I tried to get a short term benefit so I could pay for some one to come in and do some help me by doing housework ,cooking me a meal even just making me a cup of tea. But as I had been fighting for disability benefits since 1988 when our GP told me I was disabled but because of no name always turned down.

Must admit I raged at my husband for dieing and leaving me alone . I hope I never feel fear like that again.

My nephew and brother popped in when they could to heat a ready meal which I hated and make a cuppa. In the first few months my brother took my washing and my sister in law did it for me. I hated being dependent on anyone .

I was lucky no lasting liver damage and my gastrologist told me when he discharged me people with my bilirubin levels normally died.

So Iam64 I hope you can get some help after your operation as I would hate anyone to feel the way I did.

I know I probably have said the same thing before but I forget what I write as I write what I call my rambles but only about things I have personally experienced. And when we look back it's a shock to realise just how much that is. You all will be the same . But I know if I had my time again I would do it all again putting others first as you are who you are . Plus my conscious wouldn't let me abandon people even my mother in law who I hated for 40 years.

Anyone yet another ramble . Just take it one day at a time and you notice a week has gone by then a month and next thing you know a year has gone by. But love or grief never dies you just learn to cope with the grief .

But remember we are so lucky to have been so loved and loved in return. 🌹

Blackwit

It’s 4 years since my husband died from early onset dementia. We met when I was 15, he 17 so my whole adult life was shared with him. There isn’t a day goes by when I don’t think of him, but how he was, not how he became in those last awful months. When he died I felt relief after watching him lose every bit of the personality I had loved and the guilt was horrible as was the anger at losing our hoped-for retirement together.

I’m reminded of him every time I can’t unscrew a lid, lift something heavy, need pictures put up, need advice, worry about the car, in fact all those ‘little’ things I took for granted when he was here.

It was a couple of years before I could return to the places we loved, they were so heavily laden with glorious memories. I’m reminded of part of a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay which sums up the dilemma perfectly:

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

It does get easier over time, but I think it’s more about the gradual adjustment to a new world on my own than in the grief dissipating. I’ve had to learn to live with it, to live around it. I know people who find comfort from their families, their pets, their friends, but I’ve found the natural world a huge comfort. My garden and the birds and the foxes who visit and are almost on first-name terms have been my consolation. They give me hope.

I absolutely love that poem and keep it with me.. it completely expresses how I feel.. grief doesn't really go away we just learn to live with it I find..

Bumping this again as old threads at top of the list as people may get comfort here.

That bit of poetry was so moving Blackwit. I shall copy and keep it. I think it illustrates the panic of grief so well.