Does it get easier?

GrannySomerset as the years go by for me it gets harder. The grief gets worse as my husband has missed so much . Seeing our children grow , marry and have children of their own . We all cope the best way we can. People said to me the grief will get easier for me it doesn't and at times it overwhelms me even after 19 years. But as I have said many times we are the lucky ones to have loved and been loved in return. Some people live their whole lives and never know that.

I am worried about my best friend. She was widowed 6 months ago and has been to all the places she went to with her husband but not on her own . She's gone on holiday to their holiday home. She says she's making new memories. But to me she's erasing the memories of these places with her husband. I could never go to somewhere we stayed on holiday as those memories are precious. Making new memories yes but not at the expense of erasing the past.

I suppose the difference is my husband was 47 and me 45 when he died our children 20 and 16. Together 29 years married 22. Unfortunately they could never have children and where married 36 years and her husband was in his early 70's.

I hold the past with my husband as precious memories. It's hard making a new present and future but you have to and it's hard.

The difference between me and my friend is I had the children at home for 2 years then they left home permanently it's what I wanted they had to live their own lives. But from when my husband died I had both parents and mother in law who needed me. Even though having health problems all my life they needed me and looked after them until they died. Mom was the last to die in 2017. But I wasn't living my life to the full like my husband wanted I existed until I moved over 100 miles to live closer to my children in 2019 and live my life to the full . I finally have the life I want and needed but am fiercely independent. For her she never had her parents or in law's dependant on them and didn't have to look after them before their deaths. So they could live the lives they wanted .

GrannySomerset you may not be crying but something really stupid you see or do will set you off. Grief like life is unique for everyone. Just because you are coping doesn't mean you are inside . I feel like I am screaming in my head when I can't do something outwardly I am look ok. Prefect example I tried to get a plant out of my front garden . I have mobility problems so have to work out ways to do things. I tried getting it out but couldn't so decided to cut through the roots with my tree saw. That seemed to work but it still wouldn't come out. So decided to use my husband's large prized chisel to cut it into pieces. After hammering it in its stuck I can't get out . I was screaming my head off inside. So now I will wait until my son in law can come and dig it out for.

My fit healthy husband died from cancer in agony. I was born with a rare Neurological condition which finally got diagnosed last year aged 64. Only because of genetic blood tests.

Grief is a physical and mental pain. There are no rules how you deal with it. Whether you cry or not doesn't matter it's how you feel inside. Yes I cried but only at night in my bed until the children left home. I have screamed,shouted ,swore and hit a pillow blamed my husband for dieing . Anything bad that has happened I have shouted at him but I don't feel bad about it as I then see him with that stupid grin on his face.

The rage and anger I felt after he died shocked me and thought I was wicked but then realised it's part of grief. I still feel that rage and anger at times after 19 years. But I don't fight it I embrace it and feel better .

Like being a parent there is no handbook on being a widow or widower. You just do the best you can. Like I said as the years go by my grief gets worse but I cope until it overwhelms me but I don't fight it. As I learnt I only hurt me.

Don't be hard on yourself GrannySomerset only you know how you really feel . And grief like love never dies. Take care of yourself .

I’ve had a double whammy. My beloved, precious “baby” son died very suddenly 18 months ago aged 39. The crushing sorrow caused DH’s cancer to return and it killed him, horribly, 8 months ago. We had been married for 45 years.
DH and I tended to keep ourselves to ourselves but I was stunned at who came to the funeral.
I’ve had to deal with the grief of my DGS, aged 17 at the time, losing both his dad and granddad in such a short time. And that of my offspring too.
I cry frequently, ambushed by idiotic things/thoughts. My anger at the various medical agencies who could at least have tried harder with my two precious men, but am pragmatic. It is what it is.
Since then, I have moved from one side of the country to the other to be nearer DD. My life is completely different, I shall be alone for the rest of my life - probably some 20 years (oh, horror!) but have to make the best of it.
My grief is private, my solitude is to be bravely borne, my remaining offspring need all the support I can give them while I have my marbles…
Widowhood, like old age, is certainly not for sissies!

Ps. I’m not sure it’ll get easier. Only that the big DH-sized hole left becomes less intolerable to bear.

grandMattie - I am so sorry that you have these two bereavements to deal with - I cannot imagine how very hard this must be. Sending a hand hold.

It does get easier because you learn to live with what you have.
You build a different life because you must and it’s a waste not to. I miss my husband every day, it’s not that deep raw grief you have in the beginning.
I often imagine it were different as we were a close couple and enough for each other, I have made different friendly acquaintances and joined things I wouldn’t have, I was getting quite lonely.
Find something you are fairly interested in and follow that up if you can, plan a holiday. I find I have to have something to look forward too.

I wrote a poem this morning. I thought I would share it with you.

They Cancelled Spring

They cancelled Spring last year
For you weren’t here.
And Summer too without you
Held no cheer.

In Autumn woods, where once we laughed
And tried to catch the falling leaves,
The trees were silent
But the leaves said
“Who will catch us
Now that we have no hand of yours to fall upon?”
And I said “And who will catch me when I fall
Now that your hand is gone?”

But this year, though I miss you sore, the seasons
Show you to me in many a lovely thing.
Your favourite flowers growing in the Spring.
In Summer’s promise of beach and rock pool,
Heather hill and limestone dale
That were so dear to you.

And in Autumn, I will go to woods and try and catch the leaves.
Not as one who grieves, but in the sheer joy of remembering
All the silly things we used to do.
In those memories, you will be close, I know,
And there’ll be strength anew.

Lovely, greyduster and thank you.

That is beautiful Greyduster

To quote Maggie Smith, it doesn't get better it just gets different. Its 4 years for me. Cruse was not for me, but a local bereavement group led to making good friends with whom I meet up every week. My dogs kept me sane and we are very involved with agility and other canine sports. I miss him every day, there's a grandchild and a great grandchild he will never meet and that is hard. I try to enjoy life as I know he would have wished but grief can still be overwhelming sometimes. I guess I have more good days than bad now, but the bad can still be awful. I do hope your journey along this path none of us want to walk can bring you happiness along with the tears

GrandMattie I am sorry you for your loss. Unfortunately life isn't fair and no one knows how long we have to live . So we have to live it to the full. Grief is a heavy burden to bear but it's part of life. Only 2 certainties in life we are born we die. The rest is up to us. Glad your move closer to your daughter has changed your life. I know before my move I existed but since my move I live a full life. When I was first widowed aged 45 the thought of spending the rest of my life alone filled me with horror. But my husband was the love of my life and have never wanted anyone else. After 19 years he is still my husband and as far as I am concerned I am still married and always will be. Like you I was surprised how many came to his funeral. They came from all over the country it was standing room only at the Crem. I am glad my children and I didn't cry during the funeral as there where so many people to thank for coming. We didn't have a wake as we don't like them nor flowers but raised over £5,000 for the cancer ward that treated my husband. This may seem odd but it made me happy so many people came and as we are atheist's had non religious service . I remember smiling at the things the funeral director who did the funeral talk about my husband and he said all the things we had told him about him. But remember all I could hear was people crying and laughter. We had Mr Blue Sky by ELO playing as we left the Crem which was ironic as it was pouring with rain.

Yesterday would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary even though I registered the date it didn't dawn on me what it meant until the afternoon and then I just smiled and remembered all the things that went wrong that day. I am now 65 and my life has never been so full but it's things I want to do. My husband died in 2004 but it wasn't until my move in 2019 I lived the life I want. Had parents and mother in law dependant on me. Mom was the last to die in 2017.

Moving for me I found me again I hadn't realised I had lost myself. But I got get so wrapped up in my labels that I didn't realise it . But that's life. And even thought ill myself others needed me but I don't regret anything I did. When mom's dementia made her violent I couldn't put her in a home she was my mom and I loved her plus I knew I could look after her better than any home. It cost me health wise and still have the scars of the damage she did . She was my mom and loved her yes I hoped everyday day she had died in her sleep I know that sounds awful but my mom would have hated what she be came. My mom had died but her body lived on.

Grief isn't just for the dead but we can grief for the living and found over the years there is lots of different forms of grief. I am estranged from my son his choice I never saw it coming that's a living grief, lose of health and ability to do some things is another grief. Lose of a loved pet is another one. But we have a choice you can crumble under the weight of it all or it can make you stronger . I choose to make me stronger and whatever life throws at me as nothing is as bad as my husband dieing and losing half of myself the moment he took his last breath. I haven't been whole since and never will be but because of his love I can face every changellege life throws at me. We had 29 years together married 22. But to love and be loved is so precious and some people live their whole lives and never know that all consuming love and giving that love. So I am very lucky we had the time we did have and it keeps me going everyday day.

And I know I have said this all before but it's still true.

Greyduster your poem is lovely and so true. Thank you . Especially reading it yesterday .

Notoveryet grief can still overwhelm me at times but I go with it. If you hold it in you only hurt yourself. I learnt that the hard way I was a fool..Being widowed at 45 I thought I had to be brave now realise only I thought I had to be. Bereavement group was useless for me. Only went because my children thought it would help but it didn't. It was run by a married woman who did a 12 week course and everyone was over 20 years plus older than me. I was glad when they left home and could stop going. Luckily they never asked if it helped as I don't lie. They just asked if I had a nice time which I did they where nice people but didn't understand what I was going through.
No one should be a bereavement concsellor unless they had experienced it. As they don't understand how it feels. Some of the things this woman said was so stupid it was laughable. Unless you experience a thing no matter what keep your mouth shut as you can do more harm than good. I never talk about things I haven't experienced as to me that's wrong.
Anyway rambled enough .

Live each day to the full the best way you can.

That’s lovely Greyduster.

You’ve Gone Away

I just can’t take in, it’s so very hard to bear,
My world has changed forever, now I see that you’re not there.
You were always there beside me, through our good times and our bad,
And we faced life’s storms together, through all those years we had.
We were youngsters when we married, my first love and my last,
When we looked into each other’s eyes, we fell in love so fast.
As the years passed by we were closer still, it almost felt as though,
Our hearts both beat in unison, as we watched our children grow.
As a parent you were magic, and you loved our kids so much,
You steered them through life’s rocks and reefs, but with such a gentle touch.
My soulmate, best friend, lover, it hurts so much to see,
That your smiling face and your warm embrace have been ripped away from me.
So brave through all your illness, though you’d reason to complain,
You’d kid me on that the hurt had gone, but I knew you were in pain.
And when at last you left me, though I knew you were at peace,
Though you’re suffering was now at an end, it brought me no release,
From the aching, empty void that sits just where you used to be,
I know you’re near, and through my tears, I still can’t set you free.
So days go by, and now I try to get my life on track.
I’ve just about accepted that you’re never coming back.
I focus on those happy times, sweet memories of our past,
I’ll always have those in my heart, to help me at the last.
It’s funny how it’s little things that bring you close to me..
Familiar places, favourite tunes, a savoured cup of tea…
So now I smile, because I know, that though you’ve gone away,
There’s still a part deep in my heart where you will always stay.
So thanks for sharing in my life, for all your loving care,
And though you’ve gone, I’ll soldier on, I know your love’s still there…

NanaDana that's sums up the death of the other half of you perfectly. Thank you 💐

Very poignant NanaDana poem I can relate to this sentiment

GM

very poignant post. I read with empathy, I lost my dear younger sister and my 58 year old sister in law within 16 months after my husband.

Life has completely changed and this line from GM has struck a chord

"Widowhood, like old age, is certainly not for sissies!"

Being in the autumn of my life and heading to winter, Living day by day is best, trying always to have something to look forward to during the next day

I will not be maudlin, it is not my nature, there are still things to look forward to, different yes and nothing can replicate 45 years of very happy marriage. My path is different now and I will embrace that

My son said to me....Dad is in your head and in your heart. He is always with you.

Greyduster what a lovely poem. Thankyou.

I am feeling low today and lonely.
I am missing him so much. I think weekends are worse and holidays unless you have plans to distract you.

The family, who were great to begin with, all have busy lives and probably expect me to be strong and capable.

There's no doubt that grief can hit you when you least expect it.
Little things can set me off.
It's 3½ years since he died but can feel like no time at all.

I'll be alright. I hope we all will and those who are going through it right now.
Sending everyone a hug.

I lost my husband five months ago. Today I spent the day with two of my children and my grandson. Lovely day - but then I came home to my very quiet house and no one else here. Spent the last couple of hours in tears. Not sure that it will ever become easier.

I am lucky I still have my husband but can understand how you feel as went through it with my mum after my dad died. It was so hard for her. It does get easier but expect bad days and hopefully as a family we helped mum. Now lost her to dementia and then to covid. Life can be cruel …

Adrisco

adrisco - I really understand that.

Today I organised an arts and music festival and it was a huge success and I was thrilled about that. People were thanking and congratulating me and that was lovely.

And then what happened? - they all went home, either with or to someone. That's the bit I find so hard.

I do not begrudge them that happiness; it just hurts.

Luckygirl3 - I understand completely. I even find myself resenting women in the supermarket who are shopping with their husbands. Thank you Grammaretto for flowers - appreciate it.

As I have said before to all those who's other half dies on various threads it's the price we pay to love and be so loved in return. And in my case it doesn't get any easier. You just learn to cope . But I still find grief overwhelms at times.

I got slated on AIBU thread after a woman posted moaning about her husband then others sided with her so I said they should be grateful to still have him. Others like me also posted but as usual those who still have their other halves shouted us down.

But one day they will realise how much they wish they had that person in their life and how silly they where to moan about their annoying habits. As the pain is crushing but there is so much to do straight after death that in my case I couldn't break down until bedtime.

Going home to an empty house is hard as it feels different. Once my husband died our home was just a house and didn't want to live there anymore. Took me 15 years before I could move and my bungalow is home. When my husband died the house was mine but it didn't feel like that it was ours and the children's bedroom still after they moved out. But the bungalow is mine and home . And that what makes the difference.

When you walk into a house you shared with your husband or partner it feels cold and empty. Until I left still heard my husband drop both his briefcases in the porch at 6.30 and shout hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs and then he would wrap his arms round me and kiss me. How I miss that to this day.

I can still remember early years of widowhood and looking back see the mistakes I made mainly trying to be brave for others people. I was a fool . Took me moving to put myself first. And it's not selfish to put yourself first but it's what you need to do. Our children where 20 and 16. But those with younger children when widowed you have to wait until they are adults before you can do that.

But life is never that easy and in my case as many others there where other family members who needed looking after so you push yourself and your grief back . But it costs and in my case I didn't realise how much it cost me healthwise. But I would do it all again as I have never turned my back on people depandant on me.

Many here will have done or are doing the same thing. But we all have to live with ourselves and what our consciences allow us to do.

I never want anyone to be depandant on me again and I don't want to be depandant on anyone. I paid the cost and never what another else to pay that cost.

As the years go by you learn to cope but I have found the grief gets worse as my husband has missed so much . A lot has happened in the 20 years since he died. Good and bad .

Monday to Friday I went on my first holiday in 19 years and had a wonderful time. But did laugh at myself as my husband would be astonished at what I did . Very kindly when I mentioned on the pears thread I had booked my room in November . Because of my disability I need and assisted room and premier Inn has rooms for wheelchair users and people like me. I went to Berwick upon Tweed as we had never been to Northumberland. Didn't realise how hilly Berwick was .
The Gransnetter said she would be there as they lived near by and would like to meet me. I was worried I would be putting them out but so glad we meet. She's lovely and her partner and dog. They took me places I had mentioned going to but never expected then to take me as I had planned on going by bus or train.

They even took me to their home . Her partner doesn't like boats and I had said I wanted to go on a boat trip so we went together it was wonderful. This was Thursday and the sea was clam we saw puffins and other sea birds and lots of seals . The 2 hours fled by. Mind you it was fun getting on and off the boat but the deckhands helped everyone. So if you see the name MayBee70 that is the lovely friend who made my holiday. Had the Wednesday to myself as they had plans. But I had a lovely day and talked to a lot of people and surprised myself how far I walked but wasn't well enough to go for dinner as I over did it ,but had had plenty to eat during the day.

I saw my husband with his stupid grin in his face and imagined him saying who's been a silly billy. But glad I rested for my boat trip.

As I have said before I lost me not just when my husband died but the following years looking after others . I didn't have a life. And wasn't doing what my husband wanted he wanted me to live the best life I can but couldn't for 15 years until I moved here.

New and those who have been widowed a few years . Please don't expect to much of yourself and put yourself first it's not selfish but you need time to grief and feel every aspect of grief. The rage and anger I still feel over my fit healthy husband dieing gets me through everyday. But it's what I need . Over time you will find what gets you through everyday and at first time will drag but as the years go by and you get older the time flies by.

As usual rambled on just hope I have helped .

Nearly half way through year 3 since DH’s death I find myself much more diminished than I expected and miss the man I loved and still love every day. As so many have said, going home to an empty house is so hard and I resent its quiet order - no papers strewn around, no music playing, no smile to greet me. I don’t think there is an answer for me despite being quite busy.

Today should have been my sister's 79th birthday, but she died following a road accident 33 years ago. A piece of music came on the radio that reminded me of her and I burst into tears aching with the sense of loss of all those years when she should have been part of my life and leading her own life

Grief never goes away, but with time you learn to live with it.