GrannySomerset as the years go by for me it gets harder. The grief gets worse as my husband has missed so much . Seeing our children grow , marry and have children of their own . We all cope the best way we can. People said to me the grief will get easier for me it doesn't and at times it overwhelms me even after 19 years. But as I have said many times we are the lucky ones to have loved and been loved in return. Some people live their whole lives and never know that.
I am worried about my best friend. She was widowed 6 months ago and has been to all the places she went to with her husband but not on her own . She's gone on holiday to their holiday home. She says she's making new memories. But to me she's erasing the memories of these places with her husband. I could never go to somewhere we stayed on holiday as those memories are precious. Making new memories yes but not at the expense of erasing the past.
I suppose the difference is my husband was 47 and me 45 when he died our children 20 and 16. Together 29 years married 22. Unfortunately they could never have children and where married 36 years and her husband was in his early 70's.
I hold the past with my husband as precious memories. It's hard making a new present and future but you have to and it's hard.
The difference between me and my friend is I had the children at home for 2 years then they left home permanently it's what I wanted they had to live their own lives. But from when my husband died I had both parents and mother in law who needed me. Even though having health problems all my life they needed me and looked after them until they died. Mom was the last to die in 2017. But I wasn't living my life to the full like my husband wanted I existed until I moved over 100 miles to live closer to my children in 2019 and live my life to the full . I finally have the life I want and needed but am fiercely independent. For her she never had her parents or in law's dependant on them and didn't have to look after them before their deaths. So they could live the lives they wanted .
GrannySomerset you may not be crying but something really stupid you see or do will set you off. Grief like life is unique for everyone. Just because you are coping doesn't mean you are inside . I feel like I am screaming in my head when I can't do something outwardly I am look ok. Prefect example I tried to get a plant out of my front garden . I have mobility problems so have to work out ways to do things. I tried getting it out but couldn't so decided to cut through the roots with my tree saw. That seemed to work but it still wouldn't come out. So decided to use my husband's large prized chisel to cut it into pieces. After hammering it in its stuck I can't get out . I was screaming my head off inside. So now I will wait until my son in law can come and dig it out for.
My fit healthy husband died from cancer in agony. I was born with a rare Neurological condition which finally got diagnosed last year aged 64. Only because of genetic blood tests.
Grief is a physical and mental pain. There are no rules how you deal with it. Whether you cry or not doesn't matter it's how you feel inside. Yes I cried but only at night in my bed until the children left home. I have screamed,shouted ,swore and hit a pillow blamed my husband for dieing . Anything bad that has happened I have shouted at him but I don't feel bad about it as I then see him with that stupid grin on his face.
The rage and anger I felt after he died shocked me and thought I was wicked but then realised it's part of grief. I still feel that rage and anger at times after 19 years. But I don't fight it I embrace it and feel better .
Like being a parent there is no handbook on being a widow or widower. You just do the best you can. Like I said as the years go by my grief gets worse but I cope until it overwhelms me but I don't fight it. As I learnt I only hurt me.
Don't be hard on yourself GrannySomerset only you know how you really feel . And grief like love never dies. Take care of yourself .
Su22 Sun 09-Apr-23 11:40:15
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