Getting rid of the anger

Why do I cry when I read Woodle’s post and those of other Grans who have suffered the awful loss of a loved one? Is it that we just so loved the one who died or is it the loneliness of being alone and the fear of dealing with life’s problems with nobody else you can share them with. My three children will never know how bereft I feel without my husband. He dies of malignant melanoma only 3 months after diagnosis. Everything is etched on my mind, the day he died and his funeral and the way I wanted to be alone that night when my children were there to comfort me. That awful loss happened in January 2009. I still cry and lots of things set me off. Just a piece of music or missing his soundness when dealing with financial stuff. He shopped and cooked and all I ever did was to be our social secretary to keep up with our friends and arrange interesting travel. Sorry to carry on but this is one place I know that people understand grief and so many of us suffer because someone we love has gone and cannot come back.

It's been 14 mths for me since losing my DH so I do feel your sorrow and send my very best wishes to you for some better days before too long. I thought I'd been through every emotion but never anger so far. I guess all these things come to us at different times. I do agree with Skydancer in that I've 'never been whole' since.' I suppose we have to find a new way forward although I'm still not ready for that, it seems like a betrayal at the moment.

Losing a loved one is so unimaginably painful, but the loss of a child seems to me the most cruel blow anyone can suffer.
We are not meant to bury our precious babies.

I am so sorry for your loss and sadness,remember she never had to live without you,you are saving her that pain.

Grief is the power reflecting the love you have lost. I lost my wife 7 years ago,and have missed her every hour of every day since. She was a gransnetter, and I stay on here to continue the contact. As Thos Hardy wrote "
I did not know, that heydays come and go,
But deemed what was would always be so."
I too thought it was for ever

Ooops that should have said :
I have photos of them in my living room and find comfort in talking to them all every night before I go to bed.

I suppose I'm lucky in that I've never felt anger after a death.
I lost my dad suddenly. He had been up to visit me and on his way back home he suffered a heart attack and died.
My mum suffered with dementia for a number of years and ended up just like a baby.
My brother died almost two years ago with various illnesses that he had to bear over a few years. Finally ended up bed bound. He had no life. Just existed.
In the case of mum and my brother when they died I asked myself If I would have wanted to live like they did. My answer was no. I found peace knowing that they had now found peace.
It doesn't stop me missing them or grieving them but in my heart of hearts, and I'm not a religious person, I just hope we will meet again in some form in another place.
I have photos of them in my living room and find comfort in talking to them all.
Try talking to photos of your loved ones and tell them just how you feel. It might just help release your anger and feelings.
We never get over our loss, never forget. but eventually learn to live with it.


every night before I go to bed.

Luckygirl3 looked at that some time ago GN suits me better as it covers things that are effecting my life. And no they are not all negative things. GN covers such a wide variety of things that interest me.

Luckygirl3 you can still have peace in your life even if as if you are like me and still feel the rage and anger . Glad you found peace. But it's the rage and anger that has gotten through all the things I have had to cope with since my husband died. Rage and anger is not a bad thing it's what keeps me fighting everyday. At the moment it's targeted at PIP and the fact I have been battling for 35 years for some disability benefits which I have been entitled to since 1988. And been waiting a year for a PIP tribunal date.

We all find out way to cope with grief and no way is wrong . We all know what we need to face another day without our loved one.

Inishowen if you read down the other threads on this forum there are other threads which are mainly widows and widowers. I am on several along with other names I recognise.

inishowen - there is a group for widows and widowers - it is called Way Up: way-up.co.uk/

I am guessing that the circumstances of a death impinge in the degree of anger we might feel.

My OH died 3 years ago, and his death was my choice. The girls and I decided he had suffered enough and that his pneumonia should be allowed to run its course and bring him peace. If I feel angry about anything it is the loss of his/our retirement and the misery he suffered for so long before he died.

There is a part of me that does not feel angry but takes comfort in the fact that life is a cycle and we are all simply at different stages of that cycle.

Impotence can make people feel angry - being powerless to prevent or influence what is happening when someone's life ends is very frustrating.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this anger Woodle and finding it so hard at the moment. I hope very much that this will pass in time and you will have some peace in your life.

So sorry I don't know your story Woodle. I think it would be good if widows and widowers could set up a group to talk things through. Only those who have walked in your shoes can understand.

I think our experiences are the same, only different. It’s nearly four years for me and I found myself distraught this week as it was our wedding anniversary. The previous ones have gone by quietly, acknowledged it not celebrated. My sympathy to anyone losing a child, it must be unbearable.

I lost my husband four years ago next month. I went through the various stages, anger being the most prevalent. Angry because he died and left me on my own, irrational but felt. Fear of the future going solo. It does get easier to deal with, though I do have my moments. At the time I thought I’d never get over my loss but every day was a step forward. Hugs to you. Xx

I lost my beloved mother nearly five years ago. I will never fully recover from her death. She was my soulmate and sometimes I am angry that she was taken from me before I was ready. But you are never really ready for a loss, are you? I just try to carry on, be happy as she would want me to be and try to be grateful for having had her and the happy times we shared. It’s very hard though.

Your life will grow around the pain. You have to grieve in your own way! I am still angry with my sister for dying six years ago. Totally irrational but you can’t be logical about your emotions.

Woodle Feel your pain and wish you better days🙏

So many kind messages in such a short time!
Thank you, everyone. It really does make a difference.

Skydancer

Grief is different to the sorrow which everyone experiences in their life. Grief means you are never the same. Grief is something you can only explain to someone who has experienced it. I have experienced grief and it can take over emotions. No happiness in one's life is ever the same as there is an edge to it. My experience was over 40 years ago and, like Whiff I have never been whole since. No therapy or tablets can change anything. We have to move forward as best we can. Fortunately this site of full of understanding and helpful people and many of us have found it of great benefit.

I agree with this, Skydancer, and it annoys me when the media talk about an ‘outpouring of grief’, as they did when people like Diana and the Queen died. Sorrow, yes, but certainly not grief as I understand it.

Grief is different to the sorrow which everyone experiences in their life. Grief means you are never the same. Grief is something you can only explain to someone who has experienced it. I have experienced grief and it can take over emotions. No happiness in one's life is ever the same as there is an edge to it. My experience was over 40 years ago and, like Whiff I have never been whole since. No therapy or tablets can change anything. We have to move forward as best we can. Fortunately this site of full of understanding and helpful people and many of us have found it of great benefit.

Woodle anger and rage are part of grieving. I still feel it after 19.5 years as a widow. I was widowed at 45 my husband died 4 days after his 47th birthday. I am now 65 and was born with a rare Neurological condition and a hole in my heart. My fit healthy husband had a grade 4 malignant melanoma and given 5 years he lived 3. Ended up with 6 tumours 3 in his right lung ,1 in his chest and 2 by the optical nerve. So he couldn't breath and was going blind. I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok. He died a few minutes later. But there is never being ok. I lost half of me when he died and haven't been whole since.

But I am lucky to be so loved and to love in return. We met when I was 16 and he was 18 . 29 years together married 22.

Don't hold back the rage and anger as you only hurt yourself. I learnt that to my cost . I was a fool to try and control it as I hurt myself more.

Marketcat thank you for your kind words. So sorry for the loss of your son

14 months is no time at all Gymstagran, the world doesn’t return as before, time doesn’t heal our loss, we manage it better is all. So sorry for the loss of your daughter. X

This is the worst stage of grief , the only way is through it . Reading this always brings me comfort and calms me when the anger and injustice of loss rears its ugly head . I'm so sorry and I hope you have better days soon . Lots of love

Woodle , Marketkat , I'm still angry too. I lost my daughter to cancer 14 months ago. The world carries on as normal but mine has changed completely.