Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Hope you don't think I am crass, but I do need advice

(207 Posts)
grandtanteJE65 Tue 15-Aug-23 12:15:51

Yesterday we were hit by the bombshell: my husband presumablly has a malign tumour and the prognosis is not good.

He quite understandably has managed to understand the doctor's words much more favourably than I did, and I do realise that this is a coping strategy that he is using to find the strenght to fight the cancer.

I have no desire to undermine his efforts, but these include refusing to discuss the subject and initially asking me not to tell anyone - son, SILs friends etc. although he later agreed that I need someone to talk to about this.

So please, if any of you who have been the healthy partner in a marriage that looks like being dissolved by death very soon, can you give me any pointers?

How do I balance his needs with mine?
How do I help him best?
And how do I find the strength to smile "Although my heart is breaking"

I am looking at support groups right now, but as we don't live in the UK, you don't need to suggest any by name, as we have different ones here.

I know I married him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and I know we are both shell-shocked right now. and the prognosis may not look so dire on Friday when the biopsy report is in, but I need to soldier on without weeping, as obviously that distresses my husband and does me no good either.

dragonfly46 Wed 01-Nov-23 22:29:51

I am so sorry to hear your news Grandetante.

rafichagran Wed 01-Nov-23 21:44:17

I am so sorry.

GrannySomerset Wed 01-Nov-23 21:40:30

Thinking of you at this most difficult of times but so glad your DH could say goodbye to his son.

JaneJudge Wed 01-Nov-23 21:32:59

I’m so sorry too xx lots of love to you all x

Namsnanny Wed 01-Nov-23 21:30:15

So very sorry to hear this grandtanteJE65 flowers

My Father had oesophagous cancer, my thoughts are with you and your son.

hollysteers Wed 01-Nov-23 21:27:55

Very sad news grandtante and I send my sincere condolences to you at this most difficult time🙏🏻

downtoearth Wed 01-Nov-23 21:23:44

I am very sorry for your loss Grandetante.flowers

Hithere Wed 01-Nov-23 21:23:22

I am very sorry for your loss

Urmstongran Wed 01-Nov-23 21:19:32

Oh grandtante. 💐
Please accept my most sincere condolences. I was working my way through the thread when I replied to Lathyrus.
Coming upon your post later was a shock indeed.
The end has come on so suddenly.
In some ways, a blessing? I hope you can draw comfort from that in time.
RIP dear sir.
You will be missed most devastatingly by your family who loved you very much.
x

Grannynannywanny Wed 01-Nov-23 21:17:00

So sorry to read your very sad news grandtanteJE65 💐

sukie Wed 01-Nov-23 21:11:29

My deepest condolences grandtante, I am so sorry for your loss.

Urmstongran Wed 01-Nov-23 21:07:24

There are hard times ahead. I did find it helpful to remind myself that others have been through this so it must be possible for me to do it too

Thank you Lathyrus for these wise words. I have squirrelled them away. For when I need them.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 01-Nov-23 21:06:00

Lovely words RosiesMaw. So meaningful for many of us.

crazyH Wed 01-Nov-23 21:04:09

So sorry flowers

Georgesgran Wed 01-Nov-23 21:00:21

💐. Such sad news.

RosiesMaw Wed 01-Nov-23 20:55:03

Dear GT
This resonated with me when Paw slipped away, I hope it does for you too

God looked around his garden
And found an empty place,
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids
And whispered, ‘Peace bethine’.
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home

Sincere sympathy flowers

Grannmarie Wed 01-Nov-23 20:19:32

R.I.P. Mr GT.🙏🕯
Sincere condolences for you and your family, Grandtante, you are wise to accept that this was best for your DH. When cancer makes life intolerable, a peaceful death surrounded by loved ones is indeed a blessing. Look after yourself, sending love and prayers. 💕🙏

Iam64 Wed 01-Nov-23 19:43:00

Sincere condolences grandtante. So sorry

Cressy Wed 01-Nov-23 19:34:54

I am so sorry for you all. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much of yourself. Just keep going for now. X

silverlining48 Wed 01-Nov-23 19:07:06

Sending my condolences to you grandtante. So sorry flowers

Luckygirl3 Wed 01-Nov-23 19:02:33

Sending a hug - thank goodness he was able to see his son.

PamelaJ1 Wed 01-Nov-23 19:00:21

What very sad news, I have been thinking about you and your husband and hoped for the best. So sorry for your loss.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 01-Nov-23 18:49:56

I am so very sorry, my condolences to you and your family.

SueDonim Wed 01-Nov-23 18:48:13

I am so sorry, Grandtante. Xxx

Hels001 Wed 01-Nov-23 18:44:23

So sorry to hear this. Can only send you a virtual hug and say I'm keeping you both in my prayers and thinking of you.