Hope you don't think I am crass, but I do need advice

I’m so very sorry grandtante. I truly am. I have been praying for both of you, that won’t stop. Yes, what was best for him. I hope you can take some comfort from that, 💐

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

To all of you who have been so encouraging and kind:

My husband died peacefully in hospital early this afternoon.

He was rushed into hospital on Sunday morning, and aware that he was dying, although the doctors certainly did not expect it to be this quick.

He held out until today, I think, because he wanted to see our son and achieved that wish.

I knew and so did our son, that he had given up hope of being able to live a tolerable life with this cancer, so my grief is lightened by a sense that this is what was best for him,

Thank you all again for your kind and helpful replies.

Great news. I’m very pleased for you both. Wishing you all the very best.

Thank you for the update grandtanteJE65. It’s good to see something positive.
Do take care of yourself as well

To all of you who have offered advice and sympathy, here is a short update.

Today, we received a firm diagnosis and a treatment plan.

My husband is one of the lucky ones! Granted he does have a malign tumour in his oesophagous, but the cancer has not spread, so he is starting radiotherapy this coming Thursday. 10 sessions spread out over the following consecutive week-days, then a re-evaluation by the oncologists.

The surgeons have ruled out removing the tumour at present, as DH has lost a lot of weight during the fortnight where he could barely swallow even thin broth. He currently weighs 42.7 kg, which is very little for a man who is 183 cm tall and has since the age of 16 weighed 55 kg.

He has had a stent inserted which has enabled him to eat "proper" food as long as it is neither fried to a crisp or has other sharp edges and is eating like a horse.

So the outlook is, at present, quite good.

Thank you all once again for all your kind sympathy and advice.

When my husband got the diagnosis, we were plunged from family things, planning days out, holidays, home making, popping to the pub etc to hospital visits (50 in 10 months), tests, scans, waiting, hoping and mostly fear. As I said he is 9 years in remission but the annual blood test brings back the fear. He was, and is, positive throughout. I wasn't. It's one in two people now they tell us and it's hideous. I wish all of you all the luck in the world.

Iam 💐
Before This .. I used to empathise with folk and really mean it. Now? I understand fully the enormity of it all, it overwhelms and is like a tsunami of grief and caring in equal measure. It frightens me constantly to be honest and I’d like it all to just go away and be back once again to the carefree couple we used to be. Which seems a lifetime ago now but in reality it is only a number of weeks since we were Those People.

Urmston - I identify with you saying it’s the hardes thing you’ve ever had to deal with. I managed to remember my name though my identity slipped from mum, friend, dog woman, book lover, woman teaching herself to water colour, gardener, Walker, lover of city visits etc etc to mri’s wife and carer. I’d no problem with that, I loved him, i still love him but - losing yourself in all of this is a possibility

I find it a lot like lockdown too Mamie. I think this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. My mantra sent by a friend is ‘Just remember (my name here) - day by day ... ‘.
It helps. Mostly.
x

So good to hear this grandtante. I hope that you'll continue to post when and if it would help you.
Sending you both every good wish for strength for the road ahead.

That’s very encouraging news, Grandtante. May it allow you both to move forward with hope in your hearts. Stay positive!

Thank you for updating us grandtante. The news is positive, so welcome
Thinking of you and your loved ones.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this grandtanteJE, such a worry. I’m glad that the prognosis is so much better than you first thought, you must be feeling better with a treatment plan in place and being able to share your worries with family and friends.
I’m so sorry for all of you wonderful grans who have been through or are going through the most awful time imaginable. You have my utmost respect and admiration that you have all taken time to support grandetante in her hour of need. The power of gn at its best.

My DH is in the middle of a heavy regime of chemo for lymphoma. I am dealing with lots of paperwork (France), hospital taxis and a complex regime of medicaments, appointments and nurse visits.
What works for us is a fairly strict daily routine, good food, gardening, brief walks and short shopping trips. DH finds it hard to cope with visitors, but we have regular catch-ups on line with friends and family.
He is happy for people to know, but annoyed by references to fighting cancer and being brave. He says he just does as he is told.
We have two sayings. 'We can only do what we can do" and "Keep on buggering on' (Churchill).
It is a bit like lockdown really.

I’m glad your news is better than you hoped for, and your husband feels happier talking to people. All best wishes to you and yours.

Great news, now you have time to think and to plan.
My DH has been resisting, very strongly, the notion that we need to move. We were both healthy and fit.
I deal with a client base that are or were healthy and fit. It doesn’t , generally, last until death and I have seen at first hand how difficult it can be to deal with it on your own.
I wanted to move whilst both of us could look forward to a new lifestyle but perhaps we’ve missed the boat. I wanted it to be something that we could enjoy, not something we HAD to do. Hopefully our visit to the consultant will be a positive experience.
My mother had the foresight to give birth to four bossy daughters. When dad died we all pitched in. I hope you have a supportive family even though, at the moment, your DH doesn’t want to involve them.

I'm glad the news isn't quite as bad as you feared. I wish you, your DH and family all the luck in the world. I'm sure you will now receive plenty of support, including from this forum if needed.

That is encouraging news Grandtante and confirms my theory that there is often, if not even usually “life after diagnosis”.
It is always reassuring when a treatment plan is in place and I wish your DH and you all the very best for the coming months.

Once again, thank you all so much for your kind advice and help.

Today, after some delays, we finally know more about what we are dealing with, and it could be much worse.

It is a cancerous tumour where the oesophegus joins the stomach, but it is operable and the cancer has not spread.

Next week they will insert a shunt, which should make it possible for DH to eat some solids again, so his weight loss can be stopped.

After that they will, in consultation with the University Hospital in Odense decide whether to start chemotherapy before or after removing the tumour.

I realise it will be a rocky road to travel, but somewhat better, I trust, than the one we thought we were going to have to take.

My husband has opened up a bit about telling close friends and near family, and has found it helpful to talk to others, so that is all to the good too.

I’ve been avoiding this thread because we have been waiting for results of my DH’s recent tests.
I’m one of those people who hopes for the best but plans for the worst as, I think, you may be grandetante.
We’ve not got the full story yet but although his condition is not curable it isn’t cancer and he will be with me for quite a while yet.
But he will deteriorate gradually. Like your DH he doesn’t want anyone to know and although I want to do whatever he wants I’m not sure I can do that. He has a cough which is getting worse, we have doctors in the family. I have a feeling they might notice!
My thoughts are with you, your situation is much more immediate than mine I think.
So many on here have been through this and many are experiencing it now.
Thank you for starting this thread.

Looked back at this thread this evening as I said I would, in the hope of hearing some heartening news about the biopsy result. grandtante I sincerely hope your worst fears have not been realised today. My thoughts naturally are with you both tonight.
x

I can't offer anything constructive but I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and I wish there was something more I could say and do. I've been thinking of you today, and I hope it wasn't too traumatic.

Remember that to take care of him you need to take care of you first!

My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer completely out of the blue - no symptoms except for a pain which had only been there a couple of weeks that they thought was a trapped nerve or pulled muscle. It turned out to be cancer that had already spread and there was no treatment.
It was beyond traumatic for us all, as his mental health had always been very poor and within a couple of weeks of diagnosis he had a complete breakdown and had to be admitted to hospital (think delerium to the extent of someone in the final stages of dementia). He did recover a bit to the point of knowing who we were again and being able to have some degree of conversation, but he died less than four months after diagnosis without ever being able to come home. It made it all so much harder to accept, so although obviously you have to respect his wishes I hope he feels able to tell people as it'll make it so much easier for them to process whilst he is still here

so sorry to hear this . In a way I know how your husband feels . When I was diagnosed with cancer I told nobody but DH . I then found out that he had told all his male friends and I was really mad at him . It turned out they were a good support for his as his DM had died from the same cancer but I felt it was not for him to broadcast the news. I wondered when one of his frinds asked me pointedly how I was . I had no idea he knew and his DW had died of the same thing .
DH has been well warned now not to speak about any of my ailments to other people .

Please don’t wait until you are out of your depth if you need to air your feelings or get things off your chest💐.