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Sense or vision of my late dad?

(30 Posts)
drbledu23 Sun 24-Sep-23 23:45:50

My dad died a couple of months back and my mum has been struggling to accept that he has gone and that she couldn't foresee it or do anything to prevent it. Lot of up and down days at present and she is constantly berating herself thinking 'I could have done this' or 'I shouldn't have said that' which is a normal part of the grieving process.

Funnily enough she told me that this afternoon she had been looking at a photo of her and my dad in their younger days, having a bit of a cry and asking him to give her some sign that he had forgiven her. She dozed off on the settee for an hour or so and says that when she woke up she had a vision of a man standing next to her by the settee just looking ahead at the window. When she turned her head slightly the vision vanished. Quite shook her up to say the least. She wasn't sure if it was my dad as the man seemed taller than she remembered him (although in his younger days he looked taller and was slimmer). Not even sure if she was still half sleep.

I know there are lots people who recount similar experiences but was wondering is=f anyone else on here has experienced such things and how they dealt with it?

crazyH Mon 25-Sep-23 00:06:21

Yes - I am sure my mother had ‘visited’ me at a very difficult time in my life. I was trying to sleep and just couldn’t. I then felt a gentle breeze on my face. I knew it was her. As a little girl, growing up in a hot country (no A/C in those days), my Mum used to ‘fan’ me to sleep with a paper fan. She had come to comfort me.

nanna8 Mon 25-Sep-23 00:19:12

I’ve experienced this kind of thing and I have no idea what it is . There is a lot we don’t know is all I can say.

25Avalon Mon 25-Sep-23 04:23:38

Slightly different but after my ds died we were at mil's house and she was absolutely distraught. Suddenly there was a flash of colour and a certain bird who had never visited her garden before flew in. We were convinced it was a sign and ever since at certain times we see that bird. Others report seeing a butterfly - often where you wouldn't expect to see one. It's as of our loved ones are looking out for us. Whatever it is very comforting and I hope it helps your mum.

travelsafar Mon 25-Sep-23 05:45:45

25Avalon I had the same experience after my mum died. It was the day of mum's ashes being put in the plot with dad's. It was at the beginning of December and snowing. My sister was talking to me on the phone and we were both crying as so upset about mum's death in November and after the cremation this was the last thing we could do for our mum. All of a sudden I noticed a large bird , about the size of a blackbird in my garden it was pale brown with yellow feathers in the wing area. I had never seen a bird like it before and I'm sure it was sent to tell us mum was still with us. I saw the same bird a few weeks later when I had been upset about something at work. I was in the staff room alone on my break and it appeared on the bushes outside the window. I've never seen one again.

Poppyred Mon 25-Sep-23 06:15:03

Yes, many times…..people don’t like to admit to it. It’s a great comfort to me.

BlueBelle Mon 25-Sep-23 06:39:16

It depends on your outlook I suppose I m a bit practical and have never seen or heard anything from my very very loved ones if you are someone with a good imagination then I think all these visions will seem very very real and very comforting
I wish I did have a more open imaginative mind

Whiff Mon 25-Sep-23 07:18:33

I have been widowed since 2004 I was 45 my husband 47. Before I moved to my bungalow every evening I heard him drop his briefcases in the porch at 6.30. Lost the sound of his voice as some as he took his last breath. In all the years until I moved in 2019 to my bungalow I saw him sitting in his armchair. But since my moved if I shout or swear at time I see him with that stupid grin on his face . And every Christmas see him by the Christmas tree once it's decorated . It gives me comfort. So if your mom sees your dad leave her be . We all have to fine a way that works for us. I talk to my husband everyday even blamed him for dieing but he wouldn't care. Let your mom grieve in her own way. Losing the other half of yourself is a different grief to what you feel. Encourage her to talk to your dad every day if she needs to scream,shout or hit a pillow do not judge. If she needs to do that it's her way of coping. Unfortunately grief gets worse as the years goes by but you learn to cope . By love never dies . Losing half of yourself you are never whole again. My heart broke when my husband died and it's never healed.

How your mom feels you will never truly understand unless it happens to you. I am glad she sees your dad. There is no right or wrong way to grief everyone is different. The grief for your husband or partner is different from the grief of a child for a parent.

Just let you mom grief as she needs to and do not make her feel she is wrong in seeing your dad. No child understands what your parent goes through when they lose the love of their life. It's a pain like no other and it never ends . As I said grief gets worse as you get other. My husband has missed so much as our children where 20 and 16 when he died. Please don't suggest she sees a counsellor it won't help. And do not expect your mom to be brave . I thought I had to be and the only person I hurt was me. Just let your mom grief in her own way . Like I said until it happens to you ,you will never understand what your mom is going through.

In my case I was born disabled and yet it was my fit healthy husband who got Cancer and from the start was told he wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3. He died in agony from 6 secondary tumours. I had to tell him to stop fighting he was on full oxygen and couldn't breath he died a few minutes later. Like I said I have never been whole since. You mom has lost half of herself . She is newly widowed she will never been the mom you knew but give her time and whatever she needs. But never judge her you don't understand how she feels. My children's grief is different from my. My children let me grieve in my own way. Why I said don't suggest counselling my children wanted me to go . So I went to a beavrement group it was useless the woman had done a 12 week course and was married everyone else was 20-30 years older than me. Counsellors only listen but don't offer any help. Luckily my children never asked me if it helped as I don't lie. They just ask if I had a nice time. The people where nice but no help.

As I said let your mom grief in her own way. Do not judge or tell her to pull herself together you don't know what she is going through. Just be their when and if she needs you . If she wants to be left alone then leave her be. She will let you know what she needs . And at the moment is understanding and not you expecting her to be the mom you knew. Her whole world had crumbled she will never be the mom you knew. Losing the other half of yourself is so bloody hard and all the decisions suddenly fall on your shoulders and that's hard. Just give your mom what she needs and the main thing is your love and time to grief in her own way. Your mom's grief will never die as the love for her husband never will.

I had 29 years with my husband as a couple married 22. I was 16 he was 18 . I am now 65.

I imagine your mom and dad where a couple a lot longer. Plus your mom will lose weight it's not because she isn't eating I call it grief weight loss. I lost 2 stone but out it back on. My mom lost 3 and never regained it . But my dad was 80 when he died they had been together since 1948 married in 1950. Dad died in 2007. My mom's grief was different from mine as they had been together longer. But I got her to talk out loud to my dad and she said it helped she was 90 when she died.

vampirequeen Mon 25-Sep-23 07:19:11

My mam is vehemently anti-smoking but sometimes you can smell dad's bacca in her house. I don't know if somehow he's still around and visiting but I can't explain the smell. She lives in a detached bungalow and no one around her smokes. Also dad smoked Old Friend which had a very specific smell.

The same thing happens in our flat. Not dad though. But we smell tobacco and the previous tenant (from years ago so can't be smells left in the flat) smoked.

Dawn62 Mon 25-Sep-23 08:22:31

Hello.strange a few months back mum said she woke up early hours and saw dad just standing there looking at her,before that she had woke up because he had been calling her name,we lost dad in oct they were married 61 years,she said exactly what he was wearing and she said he looked as real as me when she told me standing before her,she said she now believes in ghosts,i want to believe it i take to dad 24/7 at the moment not sleeping well myself but it has freaked me out a bit but i also so want it to be true.x

drbledu23 Mon 25-Sep-23 14:28:14

Whiff - appreciate everything you have said - like listening to my mum verbatim.

She and dad had been married nigh on 70 years and dad would have been 92 this year. Mum is 91 - so they had spent pretty much their whole lives together. I know my mum well enough to let her grieve in her own way. She is lost and overwhelmed with grief at present - but as you say nothing that going to a counsellor would help with - in fact mum would never entertain such a thing and neither would I. You have to work these things out for yourself and that's what she is trying to do. Going to be a long process but I talk to her every day so she can offload onto me - not everyone will listen and far too many friends and relatives offering (trying to force) their opinions on her. Mum got to the point where she has actually started to tell them - kindly - to put a sock in it which is really unlike her. My brother no help at all as he is really unwilling to listen and doesn't get it at all.

Personally I do believe in 'signs' that we are talking about and from what she told me (and I said to her) I think it was my dad that she envisioned - however this comes about - he was always a man of few words and never over-emotive. If she was upset he rarely went down the 'there there' tactile approach, but would stand quietly near her to show support until she was composed.

Strange how our nearest show signs - they are never in the form or way that we might expect. And that sounds just like my dad.

Whiff Mon 25-Sep-23 15:03:10

drbledu23 your mom has spent most of her life with your dad. You are doing everything you can to help your mom . But nothing will help her no matter how much you listen and talk to her . I know if my mom had died before my dad he would have given up and my brother and I both know he would have been dead within 6 months. I know of several couples who have been married for as long as your mom and dad. My best friends mom died and her dad 6 months later she said he gave up. Another couple the husband died on the morning and his wife in the afternoon they where both in their 90's.

Your mom can't see a way forward and may never do. The past with your dad is more real to her than the present . Grief for the other half of yourself is like being eaten alive. And tolerance for other people is zero. I can understand why your mom tells people to put a sock in it. I couldn't to put it bluntly put up with others people's bullshit. Your mom will never be the mom you knew but she is still your mom and the love you share will always be there but it's going to be strained in the coming months. Your mom won't be doing it on purpose or to hurt but the pain she feels there is no cure. And she will feel lost at times. No child really knows about their parents relationship and how they felt about eachother your dad might have been a man of few words and never over emotional but you don't know what he was like when it was just him and your mom .

Just keep doing what you are and don't be offended at anything your mom says or does. Grief changes you forever. You are a caring loving daughter and your mom is lucky to have you. 💐

Ktsmum Wed 27-Sep-23 12:46:45

My DM swore that dad had visited her just after his passing, she was in the kitchen and turned round and saw him. Following my DM's passing several of us have dreamt of her coming into bedrooms at night, we feel she is just checking on us, as she always liked to know we were safe and what we were up to, comforting thoughts really

Nannarose Wed 27-Sep-23 12:51:25

Yes, this is very common.
Some people believe that it is the person just making sure they're OK, or saying goodbye, or similar, as many of you have described so eloquently.
I have also heard it 'rationalised' as being a bit like 'phantom limb sensation' (I think most of you will have heard how this happens after an amputation). As if one's brain hasn't wuite let go.
It normally fades.

Gwenisgreat Wed 27-Sep-23 13:27:45

I felt our dog scuffling at my feet two months after she died. I was in the kitchen and I was sure she was after food!

TwinLolly Wed 27-Sep-23 13:40:17

One day my husband kept asking me if I was ok. I kept saying yes, I was fine. He thought I wasn't my usual 'self'.

2 days later we got a frantic email to contact home (we were on board a ship). My twin had died (suicide).

About 3 years later something popped into my head. It was saying that she was sorry (presumably for taking her life), tell her husband that she loved him. And another time it said that she missed him. I've never passed the messages on in case he thought I'm crazy.

Last year I was vising a twin friend who had a friend staying with her. She was a medium and wanted to speak to me. My friend had to translate. It was along the lines of that I wasn't to blame myself (I had feelings of guilt for not calling her sooner than I perhaps should have done), and a few other things. The woman didn't know about my background in the slightest.

I've had a tattoo of a butterfly inked on my lower back. In memory of my sister. She is flying free.....

InTheCove Wed 27-Sep-23 14:08:58

About 25-30 years after my Mom died, I was walking my dog and was missing her terribly. I said to myself, if you are still with me, please give me a sign. Just then, a white butterfly flew right in front of me.

JANH Wed 27-Sep-23 14:35:57

My mother-in-law lived with us and unfortunately developed ovarian cancer that was diagnosed when it was too advanced to save her. During her last weeks, she often said that her late husband was walking around her bed, checking on her. Following her death and cremation, my husband thought that he saw someone walking up the stairs, thinking that it was me. However, I was in the bathroom and when he saw me, he screamed. Explained to me what he had seen, and I told him that his mother had returned to say goodbye to him. We had similar when our beloved cat died and we saw her around the house for many months after she died.

phantom12 Wed 27-Sep-23 17:53:42

A few days after my mum died my daughter was in the kitchen with my grandson who was aged two at the time. She said he was looking up at the ceiling and saying something. When she asked what he was saying he said he was saying hello to Nanny Peg which is what he called my mum. A few days after my dad died I had gone to bed before my husband as I always do. Laying there in the dark it felt as if someone sat on the other side of the bed and kissed me on the cheek. I thought that my husband must have come to bed but he was still downstairs. I always think that both my mum and dad came to say goodbye.

Oldnproud Wed 27-Sep-23 18:04:39

Maybe a month after my dad's funeral, I was visiting my mum. I sat in the armchair that my dad generally sat in, and suddenly felt like someone had put their arms around me and was giving me a warm hug.
I laughed to myself for my 'imagination', but it was such a wonderful feeling that thinking about it still makes me smile and think about my dad even now, six years on.

Oreo Wed 27-Sep-23 21:46:34

Feelings are feelings, wherever they come from.So much that we don’t know after all. Just being alive and walking around on a planet in space that’s circling the sun is peculiar enough.

Nanatoone Wed 27-Sep-23 22:09:35

I’ve felt my husband beside me in bed and also next to me on the sofa. My daughter saw him sitting in her sofa and she’s also seen orbs at her home. My other daughter has a soft toy from childhood and watched it flapping on her bed. No window was open and no fan was on. We all believe it is our beloved one.

Whiff Thu 28-Sep-23 06:02:36

Yesterday a horrible thing happened that really up set me. I always wear my wedding ring and have done since my husband died as to me I am still married. I had my Covid jab,went to do some shopping then went to my favourite cafe for a cake and hot chocolate. I got home took me gloves off no wedding ring went into panic mode. Looked everywhere sodding my heart out. I phoned the cafe the server had found it on the floor. I quickly ordered a taxi and got it but put it on my chain I wear. My daughter has been telling me for over a year to put it on my chain. I lost 7st in weight and even with a ring tightener on it is still loose. But I never wanted it made smaller as other widows here will probably understand I wanted as my husband put it on my finger. I know it's only a ring but it's my continued commitment to my husband. Last night I saw him but not as I usually do with that stupid grin on his face but like he did on our wedding day as he turned to see me walk down the aisle with my dad. For the first time I felt him hold me in bed for a few minutes then the feeling was gone.

It sounds nuts but here I think some of you will understand.

Reading your stories it's not ghosts we see but how strong the love we had for our loved one whoever it was that our mind gives us a picture or feeling of them when we need them most, also a reminder they have never been forgotten or ever will.

There is an old saying when you see a feather your loved one is near. A friend not long after her husband died found 3 feathers in her home in different rooms. She hasn't gotten anything with feathers in her home. As she is religious I said it was her husband trying his wings out and shook the feathers free. She said it made her laugh but gave her comfort.

And that's why we see and or feel the person or animal we loved it's to give us comfort and makes us happy.

absent Thu 28-Sep-23 06:13:40

If it's true for you, then it's true.

karmalady Thu 28-Sep-23 06:20:24

yes, I had similar but not a visitation, I had various things happen, fluffy feathers in indoor rooms, orbs hanging from an outside tree, the hand on my back etc. One day, when I was ready, I said that it was ok for him to go. Then the threads were broken and the only thing since was the fluffy white feather on the internal landing, the day I moved house

Grief takes its time and its own path, everyone grieves in a different way and little by little the bonds are released, which is what is meant to happen before we can move forward