Lonely

Sure. It never stops does it. You just do your best each day. Hoping the good moments outweigh the bad ones.

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Candy what your counsellor told you made me so angry and I haven't gotten angry for years. Never, never let go of your husband. I hope you told that person to XXXX off and walked out and never went back.

Next month it will be 20 years since the love of my life died. We had been together since I was 16 and he was 18 . We had 29 years and married 22 together. We always knew from January 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years he had grade 4 malignant melanoma. But my husband was a wise man and he knew what would happen if he told people he wouldn't live . So once the cancer was removed from the side of his face and the graft healed as far as everyone else knew he would be fine as he didn't need chemo or radiotherapy. Only the children and I knew. In his words he didn't want to be treated like a dead man walking. He wanted to live a normal life. We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over until October 2003 then the bloody things crashed down on us he had 6 tumours . 3 in his right lung ,one in his chest and 2 by the optical nerve. He was given 4 months to 2 years but we knew it would be months. At Christmas we talked about his funeral he said do what you want. But said he wanted to get to his birthday. We promised we would get him there.

Together from when we had the terminal notice we talked about if the pain got to much and he wanted his life to end so I told him I would help him end in his life. In those days we had enough morphine tablets and morphine liquid to kill several herds of elephants. Because of my love for him I would have overdosed him and killed the love of my life. Our wonderful McMillan nurse had in her own way already told us that the only dose which would stop his pain would kill him . So I knew how much to give him.

Some may be horrified I am saying this but animals aren't allowed to suffer but humans are. Until you have loved and looked after the love of your life who screams because of the pain you will never understand. Those of you who have can understand what I am saying.

He used to wake in the night in so much pain he would scream into a pillow until the morphine kicked in so our son or if our daughter was home wouldn't hear him .

I have already written on this thread and others about what happened when he told everyone he was dieing.

My husband was a wise man and knew what I needed and that was things he made me promise and I have keep everyone. The main on was to live the best life I can. Unfortunately couldn't do that until I moved her in 2019 as I had both parents and mother in law to look after until they all died.

I was very lucky to have been so loved and love in return and we found the other half of ourselves when we where young and we made a whole. My husband died 4 days after his 47th birthday at home in our bed with me and the children. He was on full oxygen and couldn't breath. Before he had become unconscious he had a long talk with our son by himself. And our daughter was at uni so they spoke on the phone while she was traveling back on the train . By the time she got home he was unconscious but they had already said everything they needed.

I was lying by my husband's side on the bed I looked at the children and told me husband to stop struggling and we would be ok he died a few minutes later.

My hand trembled and pressed wrong button.
But there is never an okay. The moment he took his last breath half of me died and haven't been whole since.

I know how hard it is to face everyday on your own. But I do because of my continued love for my husband. Even after all these years grief can overwhelm me in fact am in tears writing this.

I didn't want to wash ,brush my teeth etc but I did because I promised him I wouldn't give up. Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died.

Grief in my experience doesn't get any easier and like love it never dies. But I don't want it to. It's grief and love for my man that gets me through everyday. You just learn to cope.

Never hold your grief in I was 45 when my husband died I thought I had to be brave for everyone else and I was a fool. I only let my grief out when I was on my own especially at bedtime. Both the children left in 2006 it's what I want my son went to uni and my daughter back to the city where she got her degree.

Don't hold your grief in if you want to cry,scream ,shout, hit a pillow do it. I have talked to my husband out loud since he died and it helps me . I have blamed him for leaving me ,swore at him ,ranted and raged at him but I them see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better and I do.

Because of him I can live everyday day . We are a family of atheists and don't believe in any faith but what gives me comfort is both our children and 5 grandson's have part of his DNA he lives on in them.

The cruellest thing of all I was born disabled with a hole in my heart and it was my fit healthy husband who got Cancer and died. I had prepared myself long time ago to die first but lifes not like that .

You learn to live with the grief but it's still there like the love you still feel. I am still married and always will be . Learning to life on your own is hard but you can do it. Because of the love and life you had with your other half never give up living . I owe my husband that he has missed so much . But those of us who found the other half of ourselves are the lucky ones as some people live their whole lives and never know that joy and love. That's why it's so hard when we lose it.

This is all just my experience and view on things. Never stop loving your other half of yourself it will get you thought everyday . And think what would they say if you want to give up you know the answer so fight and live each day to the full for yourself and them.

Candy, the councillor’s suggestions weren’t helpful to yiu and would have upset me, as well as making me angry. I don’t want to ‘let go of my husband in order to move on’. We shared 42 very happy years. I miss him making me laugh, planning trips together and most of all, the ordinary family life we were so lucky to have. Yesterday, one of our grandchildren celebrated his 8th birthday. Grandad’s absence felt by all of us despite the lovely day
I’m continuing to move into my new life, building some good times with family, friends and my dogs. I miss my old life though. We do our best to integrate life experiences into our being, as posits emy as we can.

I think trying to be positive is the only way to go. Some days it is just too hard, but most days I have a list of things to achieve, and doing ( even some of ) them is positive.
I did not have a holiday last year, just a three day break. This year I have already booked two coach trips, on my own but not alone, to places I have not been to before. I have lovely memories of many holidays with DH but it is painful to revisit places we enjoyed together.
I am still in the process of clearing his many possessions and that is painful too. On the one hand I need to get rid, on the other it is getting rid of things he cherished, and it feels I am getting rid of him from my house and life.
I am also keeping up with my own things, like singing, and trying some new ones too. I have booked to go to a theatre on my own. That will be a first.
I do think so much is geared to couples or to families. I would love to change that but I have no idea how.

Iam64 I am glad you had 42 years with your husband . My husband always wanted to be a granddad and having 5 grandson's he would have loved that.

You always have the past time can't change that. Living a new present and future is hard . But we do it for them.

My husband has missed so much . And I know if he had lived my son wouldn't have estranged me as he wouldn't have stood for it. But that's another story.

It's all the little things you miss like reaching out in the night to find the empty side of the bed. In the early years I always knew I had a bad night as I woke in his side of the bed. I miss all the same things and just to have a cuddle or be in the same room and not needing to speak but knowing they where there or if my husband was working in his study . Our old house never felt empty until he died. But it was our house and the children's bedrooms long after they moved out.

Moving for me gave me a new life a better life as from 2004 until 2019 I existed I wasn't living my life to the full like my husband wanted. But I do now. You take your memories with you. It's funny not ha ha but before my move everything was still ours now everything is mine. And it's given me a new way of thinking and living . Don't get me wrong I would give anything to have my husband back fit and healthy. But I can't have him . At first I was scared of the prospect of living decades without him but I have never wanted anyone else . He is my one and only my true love.

You probably found this it was easy to make decisions as a couple even if it took some time to agree but suddenly in a blink of an eye you have to do them yourself and it was hard . Because I was only 16 my life had been as a couple and I hate being classed as single as to me I am married and always will be . Until early November I still wore my wedding ring. I have lost 7st and forgot to put the ring tightener on as I didn't want my ring re sized . I went shopping and had a drink in my favourite cafe. Got home took my gloves off and no ring. I panicked checked everywhere. I was crying when I phoned the cafe and they found it on the floor and knew it was mine. Took a taxi and got it. My daughter had been telling me to put it on a chain. Which after that I did but still miss wearing it. But I can't risk losing it again. An ex friend said you could just have brought another one. Hence she is ex.

You understand it's not just a ring but a contract between my husband and I. We where married in church as in 1981 it was church or horrible registry office. The vicar knew we where atheists but he asked if we believed in the marriage vows and would we keep them we same yes. So he married us cutting the religious bits out and no blessing of my ring. We did have hymns because my parents asked . My dad went to hear the banns.

That's the thing with family celebrations you notice their absence all the more. So you put on a brave face and like you said you enjoyed it. But there is always that hole in your life that can never be filled. 💐

Candy, I have just read your post about letting him go. This is very real and I think you will know when the time is right

I did it in a physical way, it was a few months after his ashes went into the ground under a baby oak tree. I was ready and took rose petals from my garden. I released the petals and told him aloud, that he could go and I would be alright

That most definitely drew a line across, when I set his spirit free

karmalady glad you felt able and wanted to let go of your husband.

But I feel differently and never want to let go of mine. So I will keep my grief and love for him until the day I die.

My mom had dementia the saddest thing for her and me was when she forgot my dad. One day she looked at his picture and asked who that man was it was a wedding day photo of them. That was the day my mom died but her body lived on.

My love and grief for my husband is what keeps me going everyday and has done for nearly 20 years. He's ashes are still in my wardrobe and my daughter will scatter our ashes together like my brother and I did with our parents.

Grief is the price we pay for love and being loved by the one person in the whole world who is our other half the person who makes you feel whole and you them. I still feel half of me is missing and always will.

I am always happy if someone finds another person to make them feel that way again. But I have never wanted anyone else but my husband . Had my chances but my love for him has never wavered and no one will ever take his place.

I am lonely but only for him . I like living on my own doing what I want when I want. Until my mom died and my move here I didn't have a life after my husband died I existed. But moving here changed all that and now live my life to the full.

Whiff

Rileykids I was widowed in 2004 aged 45 my husband was 47. Not a day goes by I don't grieve for the love of my life . We had been together since I was 16 he was 18 . Couple for 29 years and married 22. Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died .

I was born disabled also have a whole in my heart. My fit healthy husband got grade 4 malignant melanoma and after the cancer removed he was given 5 years to live . He lived 3.

He was a wise man he knew what I needed to live without him that was some promises but the main one was live the best life you can. But after he died had both parents and mother in law to look after even though I was ill myself. I couldn't live the life I wanted until after my mom died in 2017 the last to die. I moved over 100 miles to the north west in 2019 and finally live my life to the full.

My husband died at home I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok. He had 6 tumours and couldn't breath on full oxygen. He died a few minutes later. But there is never any ok.

Half of me died when he did and haven't been whole since. I call the first 10 years of widowhood early days . Don't ever expect the grief to end you just learn to live with it. But even now it can overwhelm me . But the rage and anger I feel about him dieing gets me through everyday.

Don't try and be brave I thought I had to be and I was a fool. If you want to scream,cry,swear ,shout or hit a pillow do it. But don't hold the grief in. I thought I was wicked when the rage and anger hit me but it's part of grief. Like I said it gets me through another day. I talk out loud everyday to my husband I have shouted at him for leaving me , swore at him when my house sale fell through twice and when my son decided to dump me as his mom I raged at my husband. But every time I see him with that stupid grin on his face and imagine him saying feel better know.

This is just my experience. The phrase I hate is late husband as he was never late in his life. I said he's dead. But to me I am still married . Love and grief never dies and in my case I don't want it to.

I love my husband he was my everything my rock. My love for him has never faulted and I wouldn't be me without him still with me. I am an atheist so don't believe we will be together . But my husband lives on in our children's DNA and in our 5 grandson's. And that gives me comfort.

But like I said this is only my experience. I am now 65. I live my life for the both of use.
I am on several threads on this forum . Hopefully some of things I have said here or written on one of the other threads had helped someone.

Whiff:
I agree with everything you have said in your post. I am so sorry your husband died, and I know how you feel, as I became a widow four years ago. I am still married to him though, and always will be.
I, like you, have a loving family etc. but nothing makes up for being without (in my opinion) the best man in the world.
A bereaved friend once told me that she never says she ‘lost’ her husband as that sounds as though she put him somewhere and couldn’t find him! She said that he died, and that was it. He didn’t ‘pass away’, he didn’t ‘go to a better life’. He died and that’s that! She adored him and wasn’t being callous, just truthful. I can see her point.
So, we carry on as best we can. I was very lucky that I had 57 years with my wonderful husband, so I ache for you and the short time you had.
Thank god for memories!

Crossstitchfan when you find the other half of yourself and are together a year or 50 when they die it hurts the same . I became half a person and times over the last 20 years have thought the better half of me. But I think of all the young who died without having had much time on this earth. And we where lucky to have the time we had together. So I never envy people who had the other half of themselves longer . It's quality not quantity that counts .
I knew of someone who stayed together but they have separate lives and had separate rooms but neither half had a full time another partner. They both had short lived affairs .But found a way to live they love eachother but like friends . They where together for 53 years when the husband died. Only then did the widow move to an apartment.

I could never live like that but it suited them and brought their son up together and had 4 grandchildren.

This year I finally had my first holiday in May since 2005. Because of looking after my parents and mother in law plus having to be very careful with money didn't have another one. Thing I have already said only went away in 2005 as my husband made me promise to go on holiday year after he died . Went to York for 4. I was 46 never been on holiday by myself or even walked into a pub by myself. I visited the minster,had a pub lunch and went on the hop on hop off bus but didn't get off until the start. Spent most of my time in my room. But I did what I promised but I was so unhappy.

After the success of my holiday and thanks to MayBee70 who's partner had a house near Berwick upon Tweed and asked if we could meet I said yes. Never expecting them to take me anywhere. I had described myself and as the travel assistance person helped me off the train I heard my name called and it was MayBee70. We hugged. It was lovely. They very kindly took me to Holy island across the causeway,then the honey farm they had taken sandwiches incase the cafe wasn't open. Which it wasn't. This was on the Tuesday . I went Monday until Friday. Wednesday had the day in Berwick myself and talked to lots of people and enjoyed myself. Thursday we booked to go in a boat trip for 2 hours round the Farne islands just MayBee and me. It was a calm sea and we had a lovely time. They took me to the house . I can never thank them both for their kindness and MayBee's dog who was lovely.

I stayed at the Primer inn as they have accessible rooms ones for people like me and ones for wheelchair users. I booked the room in November to make sure I got one and it was lovely prefect for my needs and the hotel staff where wonderful.

I came home knowing my husband would be happy. I enjoyed myself so much I decided to go away again in September to York but this time with confidence and knowing what I want to do. So booked my room at the primer inn must be 7-8 weeks ago. Booked for a chocolate factory tour for Tuesday in York with chocolate tasting afterwards 😋. Going to have afternoon tea at Betty's tearoom need to phone middle of next month to book it they don't take bookings for Wednesday's so going to have it on Thursday. Aim to visit the Shambles and museums. And go on the hop on hop off bus but get off this time.

Already thinking about next year going away in May to Scotland but this time Monday to Monday . Will decide where and get my room booked in November at primer inn again .

I wanted to go too Ireland but my daughter said are you kidding me how would I get to you in an emergency and she was right plus there is no way I could get up the plane steps or be crammed in with lit of people. My idea of hell would be a cruise or coach trip. I love going on the train and with travel assistance takes all the worry out of travelling and takes away my anxiety .

To get to York from where I live it's a direct train just over 2 hours. Berwick upon Tweed it was 2 changes each way and took about 5.5 hours but I know thats my limit for travelling.

Most likely said all this before as I forget what I write. Chatterbox in real life and on GN. But it's only moving here nearly 5 years ago I live the life my husband wanted for me and what I needed. Plus healthcare here is brilliant and only because of my move my new GP sent me to see a cardiologist and neurologist who have helped me and found out what I was born with and on medication for both. Just sad my husband never lived to find out . But he loved me for me and when my health got worse it never phased him he just said we alter our way of life to suit you and adapted our home to suit. But when he died I had a house not a home he was home . But by moving I have a home and he would love it here. But then again I would be having a different life. But I am happy and love my life . But still am only half a person but my husband is always with me in my heart and mind. And because of him I can do want I do. He will always be the love of my life my other half of myself . But it took me until 2019 to get too where I am now. And living my life for me and not having anyone depandant on me . I didn't realise after he died how much looking after others by myself took it's toll on my health. But I would do it all again as I can't not be the person I am. But the me then and the me now is very different . I found me again the me my husband loved. He knew I would cope without him but it took me 14 years since he died to achieve that.

It takes time to come to terms with being on your own and nothing you feel is wrong . There is no right or wrong in grief you just get through each day the best way you can . I still put my hand out in bed to touch him but off course it's just the empty side.

So everyone give yourself time. Don't rush things nor think it will get easier . Learning to cope on your own is hard and takes years. And for me the grief doesn't get easier over the years as I think of all the things my husband has missed so I live my life for us both. 💐to you all.

Thank you Madeleine45 for taking the time to post. Your wise words are cherished not only by widows but anyone feeling that life long grief. Your song is your examples of strength and gratitude that you've kindly shared with us.

A lot of the posts it could well be my experience. I feel lonely inside, the estrangement of the living grief for the daughter I adored is there all the time, so much hidden. My husband tried every way not to leave me he was brave and his thoughts were for me being alone, he thought I would always have my children we were close. I have friends and always busy, the chatty one who makes people laugh who doesn't talk of the pain inside as no one wants to hear it, counselling is not for me, I trained as one, constantly rehashing things doesn’t put those issues to bed, it’s like picking a scab. Some people spend all their life in therapy, but we have to deal with what we have, broken hearts don’t heal without scars. I’ve travelled a lot and met lovely people, how I wish it had been with him, but know others are far worse off than me, I know those really down moments will go and I look forward to thugs I’ve planned. I know others who are still going to bereavement groups after 20 years, I never went to one, not for me.

Surely if you love someone you never stop grieving for them? I think the problem here is being used to sharing your life with someone and feeling bereft when they have gone. No-one can take their place.

Whiff, it's a pity you cannot go to Ireland.
could your daughter take a few days off and drive you, or could you get the train to Holyhead and sail to Dublin.
i think you would enjoy it.
obviously it's easier with someone else, but i reckon you could plan and do it yourself; you now sound up for a challenge.
all the best.

how long would it have taken say for your daughter to get to where you were on your recent trip.
it might be easier for her to fly to ireland, in the unlikely event that she had to come to your aid.
just a thought.
keep pushing those doors.

I checked out the Chatty Cafe link and it seems as though you have to pay £30 to register before you can find out if there are any nearby.

I may be doing something wrong.

Bumping up as to many old threads appearing at the top of the this. And people might take comfort from this thread .

Thankyou ladies, I now know my sadness is perfectly normal. DH died 2 years ago after fifty five years of marriage. I am lucky as we adopted 3 with Down Syndrome (sorry I have said this on another thread) I have to keep going for them as they have had to deal with their lovely dad dying. I cover my sadness up by caring for our lovely 3. When I am alone grief hits me, I just miss him so much. Thankyou everyone for being here.

My husband of 53 years died 2 months ago, he was 77 as am I. I did hope we would have a few more years together, we had no children and as I was an only child I have no family at all now. We did everything together, so I have no friends really, acquaintances who have tried to help but I completely understand that "I am fine" thing. I don't want to be a misery around people, they have their own problems.so people think I am coping really well in the circumstances, I try to be funny and good company. I actually feel so sad inside and am crying now as I write this. Then I feel I shouldn't be feeling self pity. I am not the only one to go through this, so it was really helpful to read these posts, about not trying to hold it in and to shout and scream if I want to. At the moment I feel every day is just to be got through and I am dreading Christmas (not my best season at the best of times) I am trying and have joined a social group near me just to get me out of the house, but there is no joy in anything, I am just going through the motions at the moment. We had such good times together, meals out and going to the theatre, I am mourning my old life as well. Thank you for the chance to express myself, it has been a great help

Grief is yours and yours alone and we all deal with it in different ways. There is no right way and no wrong way just your way. It is only two months since your Husband died BA69 so it is understandable that you are feeling sad. Very brave of you to join a social group so soon and I hope it works out for you. I also hope that joy will return to your life one day.

Grieving loss never really leaves you. You don't have to get over it. You might need it to become resilient (in your own time). One day you will start to smile and remember fondly all the things that made you happy, but without the deep and raw feelings you have now. You just have to keep going

Given that there are so many of us in the same boat, and I mean in Real Life, not just on Gransnet, why are we not able to find more friendships, companionships, or just someone compatible to go for a walk with, or to the theatre etc?

I belong to various groups, I have friends and family, but I don’t have anyone I can comfortably get together with.
What stops us? I know five ladies who have been widowed in the last year or two, but not well enough to make plans.
I am not talking about a new relationship, just a companion to go out with.
Sometimes it seems people are determined to remain cocooned.

I agree wholeheartedly with Cabbie. Feeling really comfortable with others doesn't come easy. There are alot of people who just talk about themselves, where you can't get a word in edgeways. Why would you want to reveal yourself properly to anyone like that.

A loved one who has died is always with you. They are in your head,and in your heart.