Lonely

Every woman should have self-reliance, self respect, self-confidence to know she can embrace life (and feel good!) with or without a man.

To suggest that those who grieve for a life's partner do not have these attributes makes no sense. I have all these things - I am very lucky - and I am embracing this new life, but it is far from what I had hoped for and would have chosen.

Spending decades (or even sadly for some, even less time) with a partner clearly changes people - routines, loving acts, all are blown out of the water in one moment. You do not get over that in a moment.

I think you should respect the grief of those who have lost a life partner, and recognise the challenges that this creates in a world that is set up for couples.

Luckygirl the person who wrote that I don't think has lost the other half of themselves like we have.

Just been talking to my best her husband died a year ago last week . And how it changes you. Like I said on the previous page . Grief has no time limit and in my experience it gets worse as the years go by. But you learn to live with it. It models you in ways you never thought it would.
Because of my health problems I was prepared to die first and knew my husband would take care of the children. But they would have to watch he didn't drink to much. Had it all worked out in my mind. But life isn't fair and it was my fit healthy husband got cancer and died and I am still here. But I live my life to the full as he made me promise him I would. But until I moved here I wasn't living the life he wanted for me. But because of him I can do more things than I thought I could. Turns out I am a gardener . Gardening was my husband's way to relax and because of the size of my old garden had to have a gardener . But here I have a garden I can manage. Have an artificial lawn with an inch thick pad under it with drainage holes as I fall.

To solve problems I think what would he do and then adapt that to what I can do. So after nearly 20 years he is still helping me. He is and always will be the love of my life. I am still married as far as I am concerned and will be until my dieing day. But have no intention of dieing anytime soon.

The bad news is that grieving never ends. The better news is that the pain becomes more bearable as time goes on. Having said that I would 'happily' tolerate this inner misery than have missed the lovely thirty years we had together. I wish you well.

My pain is bearable now, it never goes away so I keep myself busy, especially during this family period. I went walking around town to get some exercise this morning, the house is very clean and my current hobbies involve sitting, hence I need the exercise.

I did not walk with a gloomy face, I said hello to a lot of people but I did notice most had that harrassed look on their faces, while queing at the butchers or while carrying heavy bags to home. One baker had almost empty shelves and the other baker had a only few loaves left. Get up, get out early and so it starts for many, the sheer weariness of the long christmas holiday, which is not a holiday for many

There is an upside to catering for one, to knowing that the OH, spouse or partner, would approve of getting on with it while living with the good memories

Positive and uplifting post Karma you are indeed an example of “getting up and getting on with life”

Not one to talk though (as I fell asleep again around 6 and woke up at 10.30!) I think you have highlighted the TINA principle - There Is No Alternative - other than turning one’s face to the wall. But I do recommend finding the Woman’s Hour item on Loneliness (Thursday?) as is it reassuring to know that our emotions are shared by so many.
When I am feeling on top of things , I remind myself that I was not the first and won’t be the last to feel like this.
Yes, there is no longer that person who knew us better than ourselves and loved us best.
But it is what it is and we perhaps owe it to him as Greyduster says to live our lives as best we can.

Luckygirl3

*Every woman should have self-reliance, self respect, self-confidence to know she can embrace life (and feel good!) with or without a man.*

To suggest that those who grieve for a life's partner do not have these attributes makes no sense. I have all these things - I am very lucky - and I am embracing this new life, but it is far from what I had hoped for and would have chosen.

Spending decades (or even sadly for some, even less time) with a partner clearly changes people - routines, loving acts, all are blown out of the water in one moment. You do not get over that in a moment.

I think you should respect the grief of those who have lost a life partner, and recognise the challenges that this creates in a world that is set up for couples.

I couldn't agree more.. it is many years since my husband died bit I still miss his intelligence, wit, creativity and kindness,, I count myself lucky to have known him and the loss never completely disappears.. even though I have a good independent life now.

Now I have barred them out
I have barred them all out
And have come alone
Voluntarily entered
Into this narrow world
Of my own choosing
Where my life centers

I have closed my eyes
And have insulated my lonely
Blighted destroyed thing of a heart
And have fallen in like a stone
And I cannot now break free
Even if I would

I speak
And my voice returns
Into my own ears
Beaten back by invisible walls
Words are said
By those outside
And, using some habit
Learned in former times
And vacantly remembered now
I give back answers
Of a kind

So day by day
I live in this world
Speaking through the walls
That none can see
And where I move
The walls of my prison
Move with me

Goodness biglouis - moving words. 👏👏👏

RosiesMaw, the way I cope is by being thankful that my husband was not the one left on his own, he would not have coped like I do. Feeling like this, well that is true love, putting the other person first. Women, on the whole, cope better

As an aside, it has been a blooming long and silent day

It's was four years last September that I lost my much loved husband. We had been married nearly 52 yeats.
I volunteer in a school and go to a craft group every couple of weeks. I try and keep myself busy.
Do I still miss him? You bet I do.

As several of you have said, living with and loving someone for so long - three quarters of my life, in fact - doesn’t mean you have ceased to be an individual, rather that in a good partnership the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. We were very different so that between us we could tackle most things and were each other’s support team. That’s what I miss most, someone who knew how I felt without being told, and who was good at helping me develop a sense of perspective.

Lost my post so will try again
Merry Christmas and happy new year. But remember Christmas is only one day. Your love and grief doesn't know what day it is.

For some this will be your first Christmas without your loved one and you may be spending the day on your own. And it will be hard but every day without the other half of yourself is hard it's just at Christmas we are bombarded with happy families which makes it worse.

If you are on your own try and think of all the things that made you smile or laugh you know the silly things they said and did. If you cry remembering nothing wrong with that . If you are with others and you find it all to much go into another room to have some alone time. They will understand they may be putting on a brave face for you but they are grieving to.

I made a pact with myself I was allowed to be upset Christmas eve but never Christmas day my husband loved Christmas.

From 1996 he cooked the Christmas lunch assisted by the children as I had a hysterectomy the week before Christmas only thing I had to do was carve and make the gravy. He cooked Christmas lunch from then until 2002. He's idea of cooking the turkey was having a glass of pale sherry at 10am while getting it ready to go into the oven. The children had a glass as they got older.

Our tree went up on 1st December and came down 2nd January. I have done the same ever since he died. His last Christmas was 2003. Our daughter and son cooked the lunch I carved and made the gravy as usual. It was the last complete meal he ate.

On the afternoon we talked about his funeral he said do what you want but don't burn me in my Jeff Banks suit it cost me £350 in the mid 90's. He then said he wanted to get too his 47th birthday in February we promised we would get him there. And we did.

He was stubborn until the end he was unconscious on full oxygen and couldn't breath. I had been lying by his side on our bed. I looked at children and told him to stop we would be ok . He died few minutes later. But there is never an ok . But it is the price I pay for being so loved and love in return. As without love there can be no grief.

Didn't want to lose my ramble.

Hopefully this will make you smile. This happened before we got married. One Christmas eve he came in with this huge box staggering under the weight of it and put it by the tree. He said be careful opening it. Christmas morning it I opened it was a huge teddy I could pick up with one hand. The bugger thought it was hilarious. Next year he came with a huge box walking normally . I nearly gave myself a hernia opening it the bugger fooled me it was a sewing machine. Again he through it was hilarious. Even after we got married he did the big box thing again. Except this time it was a box within a box. 6 boxes I unwrapped until I got to my gift it was a beautiful gold necklace.

He played the same trick on both the children once they got older. That was my wonderful love of my life and the other half of me .

I am lucky I will be with my daughter and family my grandson are nearly 6 and 3. Her in laws will be there but I get on really well with them so will have a lovely day. But my thoughts will be with my husband. I am an atheist but he lives on in my mind and heart and in our children's DNA and my 5 grandson's.

Just do what feels right to you. And know your loved one is always with you and the love you shared and the life you had together is also always.with you.

🎄💐

Family and siblings whatsapps, normally vibrant and buzzing are quiet now as families draw themselves inwards. Personally it is time for me to get cracking on one of my christmas projects, it will fill my time and stretch my brain. The first one will be the factotum bag, I got the bits in advance and today will cut the fabric ready to sew

Like many, I do have a couple of family visits organised, I like to drive in daylight and relish my own bed so it will be a short few hours twice this week, the rest of the time will be mine and I will be needing the big guns to occupy me. Tv will be a treat now and then, not just on in the background, that serves to emphasise loneliness

I am hoping to end the long holiday with two different bags for myself and maybe make a sweatshirt and some joggers too. If there is time, I will make another two bags for ad hoc presents. They are smallish hops but looking ahead is key, rather than looking backwards. Each hop is self-contained and is satisfying in its own right. They keep me on my toes, literally, standing up, moving around and they take my mind off comfort eating

I hope you all find your own way through

karmalady I have never known you when you haven't been busy. You are like me you plan ahead what you want to do. Think keeping your mind and body active helps you cope if grief overwhelms. Plus helps keep the dreaded dementia at bay. Also nimble fingers stops arthritis claiming .

As my daughter only lives 10 mins away I am always in my own bed. Tomorrow is the only day I have planned to go out. Never understand the need to go into the sales boxing day. Already got some bargains from M&S I ordered online this morning.

Look forward you to posting your makes on the art and craft forum . 🎄🥂

You are spot on whiff

I have organised my second visit and it is going to have to be boxing day, looks like calmer weather and maybe dry. I really don`t like the motorways from somerset to wales and am hoping that boxing day will be quieter re traffic.

So I am travelling east on christmas day and west on boxing day and when I get back, on boxing day, I will well and truly draw the shutters and `enjoy` my cookfood ready meals as well as my hobbies, nibbles, reading and tv for the rest of the holiday. Cosy in the nest that, like you whiff, I have made my own

My plans have been modified for me and I won’t get the chance to go back home for an hour or two between families. So two nights away in two houses and strange meal times. I shall enjoy their company very much but be glad to get back to my own bed, food and routines. I am grateful to be invited

My husband died 14 months ago. We were 42 years together. I think I fell in love when we met but I was cautious after a bad marriage.

He died 6 months after an unexpected, devastating diagnosis. Tough 6 months but also wonderful and life affirming. We made the best of what we knew was limited time together. Our two daughters, their families and friends were with us every step.

I feel less raw, traumatised and shocked than I did a year ago. I miss him with every atom of my heart and soul. He made me laugh, had my back and was a truly lovely man to share my life with. I’m doing my best to live a good life. I can’t imagine ever feeling as happy and free as I did but I count my blessings. My daughters, grandchildren, family, friends and of course, my dogs.

Like so many others here, I find going to sleep and waking up without him hard. The coming into an empty house, that empty silence. I listen to the news and can hear him shouting at the radio , making me laugh at his outrage.

I share Cabbie’s feelings - I ‘m grateful to be invited to our older daughters with the rest of the family tomorrow. My first in about 35 years when I’ve not hosted. But I’ll be glad to come home to my evening routines, the dogs and some treats.

Look after yourselves x

The quiet holiday of silence is thankfully almost over. I have to recommend getting a project for every christmas/new year, something that occupies the mind. I have done a bit of mine almost every day and still have three sessions left, when I will have a really nice useful bag. It is not an easy project, there are several tricky bits when accuracy is needed and that makes me slow down, so it becomes mindful. We need to look after ourselves and being in slow-mo mindful state is mentally good for us

My boxing day journey was cancelled and that is set for today, 2 hours there and two back on three tricky motorways to wales. I will be back at dusk and then my own hibernation will start

Looking after my own health is paramount, like many grans, I am still the centre of the wheel, the one who has experience and the answers, if asked. I still have a role in my family, never to be the gran in the corner. Ice on the ground makes outdoor exercise tricky so I have a few handy ways inside my house, to help keep me fit and strong. Stairs, steppers, exercise bands for strength, small hand weights etc

Only a few days left then back to normal and the weight of this period is quietly lifted

A hand hold for anyone needing it, just two more days to go. It does seem endless

My project is keeping me going. I will finish it on monday and be back to normal on tuesday, when I will visit the memorial tree where my husband`s ashes are buried. That will help me to draw a line across yet another `empty` holiday season

Hi everyone, I’m new here so this is my story….. my DH and I were together for 37 years, married for 32. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my reason to get up but in Feb 2021 he lost his 1 year fight with bowel cancer. I am so lost, I’m struggling to stay in this world. We had one daughter, who I love so much but she’s in a very challenging marriage (they both have significant mental health issues) so it’s more me supporting her than her me. She had a son 6 months after Dad passed & despite multiple promises, I see very little of him.
I had to move as I couldn’t stay in ‘our’ house, too much sadness & painful memories, so I sold up, moved across the UK and bought my daughter and myself houses 10 mins away from each other.
I used to be a nurse but had to retire after he passed due to ill health so I’ve lost him, my work, our future, my primary support and although I’ve made friends here, I don’t feel I have a purpose any more.
I had counselling from a local counsellor but was told that until I ‘let him go’ I won’t move forward! I don’t want to let him go, he was so adamant that he wanted to be part of our grandson’s life, that he didn’t want to be ‘forgotten’ and I want to honour that. I miss him SO much, it’s a physical and mental unending pain.
Please tell me I’m not alone? 😢

I had counselling from a local counsellor but was told that until I ‘let him go’ I won’t move forward! I don’t want to let him go, he was so adamant that he wanted to be part of our grandson’s life, that he didn’t want to be ‘forgotten’ and I want to honour that. I miss him SO

You are NOT alone.
I’m never sure about this “letting someone go” advice. It may work for some but in my experience, it’s more a case of you moving forward with your memories, experience and recognising the part he played in your life.
To me it’s like being an amputee- you learn to cope with one arm or leg- there are different forms of crutches and you do learn to compensate BUT that limb will never grow back and you can’t wipe out its existence.
Sorry if that sounds complicated but acceptance is not the same as letting go. If anything I think it is harder.
But for your own mental health and survival you do need support, company (when you feel like it) and a reason to get out of bed. It’s tricky in a new place where people don’t know you and didn’t know DH and it may be hard to explain where you are at without dragging yourself down.
Three years is not that long - even if the rest of the world thinks you should be “getting” over it- as if you ever could.
We are all different and cope differently with bereavement, my way may not be yours but stick around on GN you will find kindred spirits .
Good luck

@RosiesMaw -thank you so much for replying. I think you've hit the nail on the head - it is about moving forward with my memories. I felt like the counsellor wanted me to put him to one side and start again - something I could NEVER do . I have been made to feel that after 3 years I should be 'better' but I am not and at the moment I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm hoping you lovely lot will help guide me going forward but its tougher than I ever thought possible, I just miss him

We are trying to support my husband’s BIL who lost his wife aged 66 just over 2 years ago. He lives over 100 miles away but we have met up halfway for lunch etc a few times, he has stayed at ours a couple of weekends and we ring him regularly. He never rings us and I pull his leg and tell him it’s his turn next but it’s always left to us which my husband says he can’t understand.

He has been very low at times and I have suggested counselling but he hasn’t taken this up. I have provided him with several drop in places near where he lives and phone numbers.

He is meeting up with old sporting friends and has a meal or watches sport so that’s good.