Missing someone

Ooh how lovely he would have looked Whiff - like a friendly bear.

You weren't insensitive at all, more me being over sensitive.

I had a social worker round to mine a few weeks after my girl died (shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted) who told me she wanted me to do "homework" of writing out my life story, including pictures of myself and my daughter...

To see if I was fit to take on grandsons care.
She got short shrift from me, but I still feel quite traumatised by the thought of it. Bloody woman!!!

Miss A sorry that was insensitive of me to suggest it.

Time does make it easier to cope but I know for me the grief gets worse as the years go by. I often wonder what my husband would look like now. He was already going grey as he had black hair,beard and moustache. He was very hairy apart from his chest and wonder if he would be grey all over . Weird I know but thoughts like that do pop into my head. But at least I can voice them here. 💐

I'm sorry for your loss FayFrank. 18 months is so fresh still. Many find the second year to be harder as well. The only advice I have is to do whatever you need to do to get through. Go easy on yourself and know that sometimes just getting through the day is enough. It's been a bit longer for me and time does make it easier, though it's always there.

I've never looked at the photos since she died, Whiff.
I occasionally will sort one out and change one of those I have in the living room.

Maybe I'll get the urge one day, but not yet.

Miss A he is a young man but he will want to know one day and look at all the photos of your daughter growing up . Might be useful if you wrote on the back where and what age she was on the back plus if she was with other people their names .

Once my disability got worse in 1988 I lost some memories they where of our courting days . I looked at photos and my husband told me when and when they where they were taken . We didn't write on the back. Now I wish we had.

Yes, you're right, Whiff, as always.
Sadly, my grandson will very rarely speak about his mum.
I just have to go with the flow.

Miss A you are bound to be thinking of your grandsons 18th as his mom has missed so much of him growing up. I think about all the things my husband has missed. He always wanted to be a grandad he would love having 5 grandsons.

The past is gone but we have to live in the present and for the future. All the things we had planned to do I can't do physically but then again it wouldn't be the same without my husband. They where our plans. Now it's just my plans.

Your grandson has you to tell him about his mom especially when she was a child . Your daughter lives on in your grandson . I hope that gives you some comfort.

I'm glad this time has passed.
Grandsons birthday, a week after my girl died.

I know "they" say don't borrow tomorrow's worries today, but my mind keeps thinking about next year; it'll be his 18th.

adrisco ever year I always thought how awful for people who have loved ones died in December. For you and your loved ones last Christmas must have been awful knowing as soon as it was over you had a funeral to face . I don't really know what I can say as nothing will ever make your life the same or easier . Any significant date is hard and in my experience gets harder every year that goes by . I hope you have some young children in your family that can make Christmas a time of joy even for a short time . When I put my tree up since I moved here I put the lights on and the few breakable ornaments and my grandsons them decorated it . And every year I see my husband standing by the tree with his stupid grin on his face . I am an atheist but it gives me comfort seeing him . It's like if I have a rant at him etc I see him and in my mind I hear him saying feeling better. I lost his voice the moment he died and have no videos or anything with his voice but know how he phrased things .

Doodle our children weren't little unlike some on this thread. They where 17 and 13 when we had to tell them their dad wouldn't live 5 years. And 20 and 16 when he died. But it was still very hard on them watching him die. We had a lilac tree in our garden my husband always said he was going to remove it as neither of us liked it but he never had time. He died on the Friday and when I woke on the Monday after high winds during the night the lilac trees trunk had broken and it was on the lawn. My son wearing goggles spent the week chopping it to bits as a way of coping . It ended up in tiny pieces . Broke my heart seeing him spending hours each day chopping it even in the rain and snow . Only wish I had had that same sort of outlet but kept everything inside until I was alone usually in bed when I could finally let go. I was a fool but I knew nothing of bone crushing grief until then.

Nothing prepares you for overwhelming love then the grief you feel when it's taken away . Your whole world changes in a second you not only have grief to cope with but I felt lost . I didn't know who I was anymore sounds odd I know but I still remember feeling that way . I went from having a life to just existing and felt that way until I moved here took me 15 years to have a life again . I now live it to the full like my husband always wanted for me.

Having others dependant on me made my life harder looking back as I couldn't give my grief full rein . Which I know made things harder but I couldn't not do all the things I did but I paid a heavy price for it . But I would still do it the same way as I am the same person.

We all have a moral code we live with it's what gives us the strength we need to do the things when we don't want to . As much as I wanted to shut the world out and just grieve in peace I couldn't.

I hope you all can do that for a while and give your grief full rein as I would hate anyone to do what I had to . Grief isn't just an emotional pain but it hurts physically as well . Well that's how I felt and still feel.

Thanks adrisco and whywhywhy.
Whiff I can’t imagine how you coped with children to take care of. At least if I need to cry I can just do it.
Thinking of all bereaved. Christmas will be hard. x

Best wishes to all going through pain. It’s really harder than anyone can imagine.

Doodle, my husband died 8th December last year, the funeral was 28th December. Christmas was just a blur. Really not looking forward to Christmas this year. I have been gloomy this week since the clocks went back. My best wishes to you, and also to Whiff.

Doodle you are bound to feel this way . It's only natural. Its your first Christmas without your husband. My husband loved Christmas it was his favourite time of the year so I made sure to put the tree up . The children where home but we had a different Christmas lunch as we didn't feel like our normal one that we had with their dad. I still did the baked gammon for Christmas eve like we always had. The children wanted to keep that . I made a pact with myself that I could feel sad and cry Christmas eve but not Christmas day I felt I owed it to my husband.

Before we married he wouldn't do any Christmas shopping for presents until Christmas eve cured him of that silliness. But once we had our daughter he went out Christmas eve and brought her a secret present from him and did it for our son. He did it every year until 2003 when he was to ill to go out. I offered to go for him but he said no it wouldn't be the same . So gave the children some money.

I know you won't want to put up your tree but please do and go to church as I know you get comfort from your religion. Because you had such a long time with your darling husband it's harder for you . But think about what he would say to you yes it will be upsetting but you knew eachother so well it's as if you could read eachothers thoughts .

Being widowed at 45 I didn't have time for myself the children where home for 2 years but once they left . My son only came home for one Christmas and made excuses not to come . As you know I am estranged from my son and knew he lied but he always came for 3 days over the new year. My daughter came at Christmas on 23rd left 27th. That continued until they brought their first house 6 weeks before Christmas. So had my first Christmas on my own and to be honest had a nice time. After that my daughter came for me on 23rd and brought me home 27th. I alternated between having Christmas day with my daughter and son in law and my son and daughter in law. And same boxing day.
But I always put my tree up first weekend of December like we always did and took it down on new year's
day . When my husband was alive we took it down the 2nd.

I like the dark nights and closing the curtains shut I feel cosy and feel my husband with me more .

When I moved here was supposed to have Christmas day with my son and family at their house but he made an excuse and said I will come for you boxing day but he changed it that they would come to me and bring all the food. My daughter in law didn't speak to me unless I asked a question. But I was just happy I was with them. If they hoped to ruin Christmas for me they failed. I had Christmas day with my daughter and family. And have ever since but I don't expect to but she says of course you will be with us. Her in laws alternate between Christmas day with them and their daughter and family.

Grief is all consuming and never gets easier firsts are hard but so are seconds and even 21st's . But you are not alone you can say whatever you want here and never be judged or thought weak . As we are going through the same thing just different stages of time.

For parents grieving for their children it's worse . And I wouldn't insult any parent by saying I know what you are feeling . Because I don't. But it must be harder for you to cope with .

Doodle as I have said many times before grief and finding the other half of yourself is the price we pay for such love and completeness. But for all it hurts it's a price I am glad to pay . To know I was loved and loved in return. I was lucky I had my husband as long as I did .

Doodle love is worth the grief . But it's still very new to you. 💝

Anyone les find that the clocks going back has made them more gloomy. I’m finding it really hard to be in any way positive especially with Christmas approaching. The more jolly my surroundings the sadder I feel. Sending love to all x

Oh ava25 I'm so sorry. Please accept my sincere condolences. And sending you lots of love xxx

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Grief isn't a process it's a lifestyle change. At least that is my experience. In the last 9 years I lost my Dad, my sister, my Mum, my ex husband, my ex father in law and partner's Dad. I was with him and my sister and my Mum as they passed. My ex husband and sister died 3 weeks apart and a month later my partner's dad died and then a month after that my ex father in law. My kids and I went through hell. If I sit and comprehend the loss I've suffered I would go mad. Sending you and everyone on here grieving love

Hi whiff. Thank you and yes little man is the priority here and I will make sure he remembers his mummy. He regularly watches videos on his lap top of him and mummy playing and I'm sure he will treasure them. I do need to be strong and positive I'm just really struggling but I'm holding it together. Xxx

Fayfrank Miss A has given you the place to talk to others who's children died far to soon. From the sound of your son in law he is doing everything to give your grandson a life full of love and attention. And you still get to see your grandson and spend quality time with him . He is young and will eventually forget his mom but through you she will live on and when he is older you can tell him everything about your daughter and how much she loved him and funny things they did together.

I can't say I know your pain but I don't think your daughter would want her husband to be alone for the rest of his life.

I was 45 when widowed and my husband told me to find someone else to love and not spend my life alone but I told him no . But we had 29 years together married 22. Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died so they have all their memories of him.

I am sure your son in law will make sure your grandson knows all about his mom and how much she loved him.

It's hard on you to see him move on with his life but he's a young man . What would your daughter say to you ? Deep down you know the answer . Your grandson is your priority as he is his dad's.

In your grandson your daughter lives on . Sorry this may seem trite and I can't say I know how you feel as the death of a child is the worst possible pain no matter what age they die. And something a parent will never get over . 💐

Than you so much miss adventure xx

It's a very difficult thing you're having to navigate, alongside your grief.

You've your husband telling you to get on with it, your worry for your little grandson, and resentment simmering beneath all of this.

If only we could all just "get on with it" eh?

Just hold on to the thought that your grandsons dad won't do anything to cause him harm or upset; he hasn't so far, and hopefully even an introduction will be slow, steady, and based around the little man's wellbeing.

It really is all you can do, isn't it?

That's why I set up this thread, just so people can share things they may not want, or can't say to others.

Don't think she would want him to be on his own. But thinking of little man I think she would think it was too soo x

What do you imagine your girl would say, if she had any input?

Miss adventure. I can honestly understand that. I'm also sorry about your loss. My girl was my world and still is. She would want the best for her little man. And so do I. I'm sure his new gf is a lovely person as he is. But I feel so much resentment. I calnt tell him how I feel as I don't want to push him away. My husband says I need to get on with ot and say nothing. Just feel she's been disrespected as its so soon xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Fayfrank, and I'd like to think I've an idea how you might feel, just because it's something I struggle with myself - the world moving on, while I'm still reeling. (Even though its been 7 years in a couple of weeks)

My girl's best friend told me she is getting married, and my first reaction, inside, hidden away, was "Well, that shows how bothered you were!!"
Absolutely ridiculous, for me, but difficult for you, I know.

He does sound to be a very decent man, though, so I'm sure he will be putting that little boy first.

I'm sure your girl would be wanting whatever makes her son happiest, too.

Anyway, what I say isn't advice, as such, just thoughts.

I'm the last person to have any answers to the impossible; I often think I'm still doing badly myself x

Thank you miss adventure. It just breaks my heart having to see this. I knew it would happen as he's only 29 years old. But he's a good person and fabulous dad. Just finding it hard to accept. And I know your right in what you say I'm just struggling. Thankyou again for the advice.