Missing someone

I don’t feel lonely it’s that ‘alone’ feeling that really really upsets me, I cry every day. My life has changed for ever, never the same……just wish I could have had one more day with DH, too many plans left undone ….I’m heartbroken, will I ever feel different ??

A helpful thread, I can say what I like, nobody judges just supports………

Or maybe that's just my way of coping with the trauma. I just keep going more and more numb with every loss.

❤️ to you MissA. It is torturous to not be able to communicate with those we love. I don't believe that people die. I believe their bodies do. I think they are still with us but we just can't reach each other yet. I believe in eternal life from a pseudo-scientific standpoint.

downtoearth

My first daughter died aged 7 weeks her birthday is on sunday she would be 46.
My dad died 6 weeks later 3rd of january.
My second daughter died aged 23 on the 3rd of january 24 years apart
This time of year for me is very poignant as my happiest and saddest memories are in this season
My girls would now be 44 and 46.
One I never had the chance to know, and one that I had got to know, I still grueve for both in different ways, I dudnt get chance to say goodbye to my dad or my girls.

Downtoearth; what a sad,sad post! 🌷🌷I am near to tears reading this. The only bereavments I have suffered are my mum and dad .They were 76 and 73.Also my sister in law at
71. Bless everyone who are grieving. 💝

downtoearth love your post. Sums us up exactly.

Anniebach it doesn't matter if you have been with the other half of yourself for a year or 50 you still lose half of yourself. To find the other half of yourself is so special to find the one person in the world who makes you whole and you can be the real you and they can be the real them is precious. Doesn't matter if you don't marry or are the same sex it's the same . Love ,true love is hard to find that's why it hurts so much when they die . Some people live their whole life and never find that . My own brother didn't find the other half of himself until he meet his 3rd wife. He paid me a great compliment he said he finally knows what my husband and me had. I told him finally he found someone for me to love . This may sound creepy but my sister in law is like a sister and I love her to bits. On their wedding day my mom said finally someone who deserves him .
Mom had cancer and dementia but she was still lucid it wasn't until 2 months later dementia killed my mom but her body lived on for another 4 months.

Doodle I know the terrible time you and your darling husband went through and that adds to your grief because he needs not have suffered like he did . This isn't the same but my mom lived with me for the last 18 months of her life as she wasn't safe on her own and I couldn't keep dashing over only to find she had panicked and when I got there she didn't know why she called. She didn't want to live with me but I told her I couldn't keep doing this . So she agreed . My brother realised what a shit him had been not helping me with mom only after I could have died. He apologised but told him it was to late but I loved him .

My brother to look at you would think he was strong and he is in a lot of respects but he couldn't cope with seeing mom die but her body lived on . Dementia and Alzheimer's kills a person long before their body dies. My mom turned into this horrible vicious person who I hoped every morning she had died in her sleep. I know how awful that sounds but it's how I felt. But could never tell anyone apart from when I talked to my dead husband. But I couldn't put mom in a home .

Doodle I will get to the point I knew about pressure sores dad had been in the St John's ambulance brigade for 30 years . Also knew lots of people who had relatives in homes who had them . So I got a pressure mattress for the bed mom used from occupational health and a pressure cushion for when she was still able to go downstairs. Once bed ridden had the blow up bootees to protect moms heels and ankles . I can't understand why the hospital didn't have these for your husband as they are basic equipment. I made sure mom's skin was well moisturised and turned her every hour night and day. Mom's skin go very thin first time I realised was when mom had red flannelette PJ's on and she run her hand over her sleeve and noticed blood on her hand . I pulled the skin back and covered it with a dressing as soon as it looked as if her skin would break I put dressing on . She looked like a mummy which she died. But it protected her skin . I am proud of the fact my mom never had a sore on her body when she died. The district nurses popped in each week where always surprised same if mom had to go too hospital. Mom's last 4 months where hell on earth as she became violent and attacked daily but I couldn't put her in a home . I looked after mom myself as I knew I could look after her better than anyone else but it cost me a high price healthwise but didn't realised until I got seriously ill with jaundice 2 weeks after her funeral.

Right the point I am trying to make in my long winded way Doodle is for a year I could only remember the violence and the harm my mom caused me I couldn't remember my mom before that time . Then one day out of the blue I could remember mom before the dementia. And finally I could remember the Mom she was the woman who after her first mastectomy weight her boob on the kitchen scales to see how much weight she had lost. My dad was alive then. I did ask why she didn't weigh herself before and after her operation and she said where was the fun in that . My husband was still alive then well then and told her he hoped she washed to scales well as he didn't want sweaty tit cake. The scales where manual and had a container to put the ingredients into to be weighted.

It takes time to come to terms with not only your other half died but the run up and manner of their death. It haunts you everyday . I hated 1.27pm on every Friday for years as thats the time my husband died. The first year I counted in days and weeks since he died. And for 14 years the lead up to the anniversary of his death I relieved his last 2 weeks it was like watching a black and white film. On the anniversary I was a sodden mess. If it happened I was at with my mom and dad they couldn't say his named as I couldn't cope with hearing it . Dad out lived my husband by 3 years. After that Mom couldn't say his name . The children text to see if I was ok . I always said sad but fine they never knew until the 14th year and my daughter phoned and it all came out she told her brother and they both said the same thing I should have told them . But how could I they where grieving as well. But I promised myself that I was allowed to feel sad and cry etc if I wanted to on the day but the lead up had to stop. And I keep my word to myself.

That's why I always say it takes years to learn to cope but the grief for the other half of yourself and those brave parents who have written about the deaths of children the grief also gets worse every year as they have all missed so much.

As per usual I ramble on but that's me in real life . But my ramble doesn't mean I don't care about everyone here because I do and the daily pain you live with. Nothing ever prepares you for overwhelming grief.

Well, I have many moments where I think I should have or could have done better.
That's another layer of the grieving, I think, as much as anything.
It doesn't give you a minutes peace, at times.
So many destructive emotions.
Anger, regret, jealousy, resentment, shame.
They're all simmering away ready to pop out at any moment.

DH and I were together 57 years. Everything revolved round each other. We spent all our time together out of choice because that’s the way we wanted it to be, I am so grateful for all the years we’ve had. Also that DH got to see our children and grandchildren grow up. I find it hard to accept that he died when he did and still feel that it shouldn’t have happened. It was the result of a lot of circumstances but I blame the hospital for being the initial cause. At night when I lay down and my heels rest on the bed I think of the fact that it was the pressure sore on DH’s heel that started the whole thing. If only I’d known about pressure sores then. I didn’t but the hospital should have done. I try not to get upset about it but it’s in the back of my mind. I suppose we all have our “If only’s”

The death of a spouse must be so hard, I was widowed age 33,
devastated yes but only 8 years of marriage , I remember my
Mother trying accept my fathers death, my Grandpa even after
20 years, grief is like love , so private in many ways.
What comes to mind is a book by Caitlyn Thomas widow of Dylan Thomas, a most stormy marriage but ‘ Left Over Life To
Kill’
For me Leigh Hunt’s ‘Jenny Kissed Me’

Group hug for all of us plodders, and getting through the dayers, keeping awake at nighters, and doing what we caners, us mums eho have list our children, us wives who have lost their husbands, us deserted partners( me) we all deserve a big shout out for getting through each bloody day, so a big hug for all of us silently going about our lives and just about coping💐

Keep plodding, Doodle.
It's all we can do.
A day of plodding is a successful day, if not a fun one.

So sorry for all who suffer loss of a child whatever age. Can’t imagine how hard that is to cope with.
I am plodding on one day at a time. Not the life I want but the one I’ve got,

Thanks, you always make me smile MissA , definitely no liberties…

For you, too.
A virtual one only.

I don't want you taking liberties!!

down to earth, what a terrible time you have had. MissA, Kupari, Merlot, Annie, and those who have lost their girls, and also their boys, love and a gentle hug you all,
I have but an inkling of how you might feel because I nearly lost my Kate, but didn’t, and am so grateful .
xxxxx

Thankyou Merlot I enjoyed the day we met in cambridge and I know we have been on GN for a long time, I always look for your posts and enjoy your humour too, I follow the loss if your daughter, your husband and your little dog too.

Thank you all for letting me share in a safe space, we had to wait 11 months for Kates funeral, we whete told she was a crime scene and the cock ups by Essex police where many so much that I had a public apology from the chief inspector "lessons are still no being learned"

You always make sense, Whiff

For all parents whose child or in some cases children have died at least here is a safe supportive place to be . You don't have to be brave and can pour your feelings out here without them whirling around in your mind . It's not only hurting you mentally , emotionally but it can cause physical problems. Our bodies have weird ways coping with unending pain and grief is painful and never ending . But you can't take medication to make it better.

Those of you who have written about your children don't think you realise how strong you are showing your feelings and how you really feel. Lot of parents couldn't post be I am sure there are countless who read and can take comfort in the fact they are not alone . 💐

Having met you in real life, downtoearth, I know what a cheerful, friendly person you are. I would never have guessed you carried such sadness had I not been a Gransnet member but I do remember thinking how brave you were and wondering how, despite your sadness, you managed to see the funny side of everything.

Of course, I had no idea what was just around the corner for me. Just as well really.

I'm not sure if this is lightening the burden, but it is cathartic to be able to "say" things that have been unspoken, as if it's some dirty little secret.

Goodness me. Such heavy burdens some of you bear. You have my admiration.

Me too thats why I cant listen * MissA*

Yes!!!!!!!
Exactly that, just like that song, downtownearth

That song makes me cry, too, sometimes.
Not for my girl, but for all the lonely people.

MissA I feel guilty off loading, I dont speak of it in real life unless asked, I am " fine" when asked and like Eleanor Rigby my face is kept in a jar by the door.