Houseshare with another bereaved person?

With all due respect to you, I can’t imagine anything worse. I quite often come into contact with people who have, like myself, lost their life partners and are still trying to make sense of their grief. It’s good to talk to them and share the burden sometimes, but I wouldn’t want to bring that into mine, or anybody else’s home and have it as a permanent fixture. I do know how lonely you must feel and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Hi,
Here’s a couple of links to organisations. Each seem to involve a care element to the arrangement which I don’t think you’re looking for, but it may open up other leads.
I’ve no experience of either of the organisations.
Needs a lot of thought, but I’m sure you are aware of that.
Good luck.

www.sharemyhome.co.uk/#:~:text=Share%20my%20Home%20Homeshare%20is,a%20place%20to%20call%20home.

www.shareandcare.co.uk/

You could always just list the vacancy with a letting agent and they’d ‘vet’ applicants according to your criteria.

Personally, I don’t think you should rush into anything - a year since your bereavement isn’t time to really heal yourself. Like others, I couldn’t think of a worse scenario.

However, if you want to proceed and it all goes wrong - your tenant will have a legal agreement and it could seriously backfire if you want to end things early.

When I divorced and had a rather large house as part of my settlement. It comprised of 3 bedrooms in the main house and 2 in the self contained annexe. For a couple of years, I rented out the annexe to my friend’s daughter. When she bought her own house and left, I could not find a suitable tenant. They were either young and brought noisy friends in or just were erratic with their rent payments. So I got fed up….sold the house, downsized, gave some, not all, money to the children. I now have a compact 4 bed, with a small manageable garden. Best thing I ever did.
So no, don’t share - you will regret it.

I think, unlike others, this is an idea to should investigate further, but not rush into.

I think as it is self contained it could work out very well providing you find the right person.

Good luck and do keep us posted.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Food for thought in each one. Know what you mean, sharing with another bereaved person. I didn’t mean I wanted to spend time in the house comparing grief, too much concentrated misery and living in the past would be bad, definitely. What I was after was the companionship angle and another reassuring presence in the house. Really I just need an “ ordinary” normal housemate. But there are not many around in my age group! Anyway I will continue to research options and yes, I will keep you all posted Cossy, thanks.

Just wondering, do you have any pets?

If you feel you need companionship have you ever thought of a furry friend?

I think there is a definite need for something like the OP wants. Many many people live alone. We want our privacy and independence, but miss the companionship of others. A friend of mine hates living alone but is not yet ready for a retirement flat and definitely not a Care Home. Apart from Share my home and Homeshare, there isn’t really anything else I am aware of.

They say you should never make any big decisions in the first year of bereavement. This sounds like a pretty big decision to me, OP. Please don’t rush into anything - this is a time to take things at a very steady pace. I speak as one who knows, as do others on here. My very best wishes to you💐.

I know you said an older person but as you have self contained accommodation in London have you considered a younger person maybe a student or employed. They might bring joy and life into your home.. Spanish language students are often very warm and respectful of older people and they would be here for a limited amount of time..

I had a period in my life when I rented a room to college students , usually when on their own they are pretty good and I found overseas students were all lovely
I also opened my home to mature students from other countries who had no where to go for holiday time I had a hoot and it really was a wonderful time in my life However I was younger then and I wouldn’t feel able to do it now so it really depends on your age, if you are a youngish widow or older

I wouldn’t want to share my home with an older bereaved person I think it would bring me down anyway I m so used to my own space and own company I don’t think, no, I know I couldn’t live with anyone now

I can think of nothing worse. I agree with everything most people have said, especially "Greyduster". I live in a 3 bedroom house but would have to share the shower and kitchen. Absolutely not. Being selfish now I do not want to have to think about anybody else living here.

Good luck but please do not make any rash decisions. Looking on the darker side, a relative of the woman may fancy what you have and go out of their way to acquire it. Please be ultra cadeful.

Thanks again for all replies. All good thoughts.. Yes I do have some pets as it happens, a dog and a cat. Both v helpful esp the dog! And I do identify with Charleygirl sentiments, I do not want to share a bathroom or kitchen with anyone at all. That also limits renting options. I have rejoined a dog training club that we took our dog to when a puppy. They have monthly social walks and their own Facebook group. I am going on my first walk at end of this month and thought might put feelers out there for a dog loving tenat, that sort of thing. Will keep you updated!

From personal experience I would say best to avoid such a close involvement with another bereaved person. I lost my DH over 2 yrs ago but my sister lost her DH 6 mths or so ago. I try to support her but this seems to involve hour long phone calls every day and it just brings back the 'rawness' to me each time. I really feel it must be helping her to offload to someone who's been through it all but it is definitely not helping me move forwards at all.

Do you have a local U3A, (University of the Third Age)? Anyone over 55 who is retired can join (I believe.) You don't have to be a graduate, or be of a similar level to join one!! Just interested in learning new things, or interested in learning more about the things you are already interested in.
If there is one in your area, and you can get there, there is usually a big choice of interest groups you can join. It is very cheap to join, and to belong. There are many U3A groups in my county, and in just my town - our own U3A has about 1000 members. Although I already had friends, I have met more lovely people, and particularly those who are interested in exactly the same things as me.

I joined about 5 different U3A interest groups within my town after my husband died. Each group only meets once a month. So there is something for me to look forward to every single week. In spite of constantly missing my lovely husband, I haven't had time to be lonely since.

Taking in strangers into your home is very risky, particularly in this day and age. Especially if you are viewed by them to be an older, lonely, and therefore vulnerable person. Please be very, very careful.

I had a lodger about 3 months after DH died. It was from necessity for her as she had just had an upper leg amputation and her house was totally unsuitable, despite what the OTs said!
She was with me for 3 months. It was really hard work as she is very emotionally dependant - she had been widowed herself about 2 years earlier and has no children; one would have thought she'd be more sympathetic/kinder...
I downsized and moved to be nearer my daughter. House moves are always hard, I did a lot of crying, but it's fine now.
Don't do it!

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I think you are still grieving. It's a big NO from me. I can't think of anything worse than sharing my home / space with a stranger. I've done it in the past for financial reasons but not now. My own comfort and security is far too important.

Maybe consider having a young person through a scheme from somewhere like Barnardo’s. You have someone there bringing energy into the house but they will probably have a quick chat and get on with their own life.

Tabitha - I was a bereavement therapist in a hospice for many years working with individuals and also small groups of bereaved people of all ages. It helps to be able to share the emotions that accompany grief but not everyone begins to settle into a more comfortable space at the same rate and another grieving companion would need to be carefully chosen to ensure you had compatible attitudes - for example it would be pretty difficult 'living' with someone who had diametrically opposed attitudes towards life after death, or who was hell bent on becoming part of a romantic couple again, when the other person was unable to contemplate that. So I suggest you do some research into what 'learning from loss' groups might exist in your area, and even the wider area. See if you can meet up with bereaved people who might be on the same wavelength as you. You should not make any major decisions for about two years. Good luck.

So sorry for your loss and your dreadful feeling of lonliness. I too lost my husband last year, so I have faced lonliness and a feeling of "what do I do now to make life meaningful"

Before you do anything else, do consult a solicitor about the kind of contract you would need if you find someone to share accomodation with. You need to know how you can safeguard yourself and your home from abuse, and how of if you can terminate the agreement without a lot of legal trouble.

I suspect you cannot, but do not know.

Also check with the tax authorities whether you will be liable for tax on the rent paid by the other person.

If when you have sorted all this out, you still feel it is the right thing for you, well and good,

It has taken me all of ten and a half months after my husband's death to begin to feel that I have finally managed to make new contacts, and find new things to do. Perhaps you should try to give this process a little more time?

Could you perhaps try taking up old friendships - school fellows? former colleagues? relations?

I hope you find a way forward soon.

Maybe tread water for a while and consider moving into warden assisted accommodation. You would have your own apartment, but there is normally a large lounge in which events take place regularly, plus hopefully you will make friends there anyway. That way you can get company and privacy.

Take advice before committing to anything as renters rights are changing. While you are in a better position with a 'lodger', in some circumstances, providing someone with separate accommodation in your home could be interpreted as a more formal legal tenancy and might lead you to be in a tricky legal position with limited rights to get them to leave or get your property back, especially if it's their only home. Do take proper advice about this, especially as you have two homes and only one will be categorised as your 'main home'. If you wanted to see how it went, my experience is that a student at a local uni is often the easiest sort of home share. Perhaps a student of nursing or other health professions, although I gained a lot of weight after a year with a catering student and had lots of laughs despite a constantly messy kitchen. So sorry to hear how lonely you feel and I hope you can find some friendships to help you feel less alone.

I think that there might be women of a similar age who are in private rented houses and wondering how they will manage going forwards. They might not be bereaved, but long term single or now divorced. I can see this being a good arrangement if you could find the right person. You need to think about how to divide up the space and will you allow someone to bring some of their own possessions?

You won't know until you try it will you? Can you find someone who might like to live in your area for a few months while they are perhaps house hunting, or looking after a poorly friend/relative? It would be a good way to check out how you actually feel about having someone in your space longer term?

I'd be inclined to use informal routes to try to find the right person - someone who comes with good personal recommendations etc.

I certainly wouldn't write it off. There are a number of admin issues raised above - yes, you might have to pay tax etc and evicting a lodger is legally easy but still difficult. only you kow if you think you could handle this if the necessity arose.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Perhaps you'll start a trend - I'll will look out for reports of your pioneering approach in the lifestyle sections of the papers!

Don't do it, get a dog.