First Christmas as a widow- I got through the day

Almost three years since DH’s death and special times and events are just as painful and the empty space in my life just as obvious. But in order not to be the person everyone avoids because they are so depressing we keep it to ourselves and soldier on. Not sure if it gets easier or the performance is just more polished, but that is how it feels.

Calendargirl

Well done, you can feel very proud of yourself.

I hope you enjoy your break, if that’s the right word.

I agree, and the first Christmas will always be the worse one.

Third Christmas for me. I’m with others, the grief remains our companion. It may be less raw but it stays. I’ve decided mine is my travelling companion. It’s not exactly a friend but it reminds me how very fortunate I’ve been to have 42 happy eventful years with such a lovely man. Our memories, the famiky and friends we built together, sustain me.

You listened to Meatloaf? You must have been in a bad way.

Hi
I sent you a PM,
Best Wishes
Junie

I’m so pleased you got through the day BA69 and hope you’ll enjoy the few days away.
Firsts are always difficult. For my brother and my sister in law, this is a Christmas of “firsts”, too. My brothers wife died early this year and my sister in laws husband died in November. The day was got through, but I’m sure filled with bitter sweet memories.
Take care all of you bearing the grief of the loss of your partner 💐.

I hear you - it’s tough isn’t it? Well done for surviving Christmas and have a lovely Twixmas break. I was with family - first time without husband and dad. Bittersweet but I managed. Hope 2025 is better for you. Take care of yourself and sending hugs.

BA69 That's a major 'first' that you've been through and now you're out the other side, you did it! My heart goes out to you and the many others on this site that are going, or have gone, through the same thing. It's the third Christmas for me without my DH and I think the first Christmas I was still in shock. The second Christmas hit me harder, it was maybe the realisation that this is now how it will always be. This year was slightly better but I still dreaded it for weeks beforehand and now it's the NY celebrations I will be trying to ignore.
It's one foot in front of the other and try to keep going with a brave face. Nobody has any idea at all what it's like until they've been through it themselves and even then I think it's different for all of us. Take care, try to look after yourself and vent as much as you like on this site, there are lots of us willing to listen and help if we can,

I take my hat off to anyone who has the bravery to do something so different, and I can't wait to hear how it went.

Two and a half years since husband died so 3rd Christmas. I have spent the last two with sons, staying with them for a couple of weeks (flights required). This year I found myself telling a couple of funny incidents involving my husband and a restaurant we visited fairly often when first martied as we both loved lobster. Realised on Boxing Day what had happened when recollecting the Christmas Day activities. I could not imagine myself speaking so lightheartedly before. Time certainly does seem to help soothe the wounds.

It may seem.strange, but after being widow for 24 years, this Christmas felt as bad as the first one after my husband died. There are no 'littlies' who tend to make the day magical and my husband loved Christmas so much - not having had much when he was very young.

I'm not a widow, but I know that grief is far from a straight path.
So many twists and turns...

Thankyou so much for your post BA69. I am a new widow and am experiencing my first Christmastime without my DH. Although I have a loving family and dear friends it has been such a difficult time. Your comments have helped and comforted me a great deal- bless you all

Well done for having the day that suited your feelings. I remember how much my DM struggled with the first Christmas after dad’s death. She tried really hard as we were still young, but it was hard.

My DMiL spent the day with my BiL, the year my DGiL died, but couldn’t wait to get home. She spent her remaining Christmas’s with us, as that was what she was used to and she said it felt like her DH was still with us.

Somebody who was widowed once said to me, After the fist time for everything you start to heal. I do hope you enjoy your trip away.

TanaMa I spent my Christmas day with my daughter and family . My grandsons are nearly 7 and 4. I always have a lovely time but a part of me is always sad as my husband should be there . I never let it show . But grief never leaves us but neither does the love and life we shared .

My daughter was saying about when they went to see the lights at a stately home park not far from where we live and about seeing herd of deer and a stag with massive antlers. Then said it was a real deer with a grin .

We used to go to Scotland for holidays as it was a favourite place of ours. On the way to Inverness we went through some mountain roads . I suddenly said stop stop my husband hit the brakes and I said a deer so he slowly backed up so he wouldn't frightened it. Much to my husband's and children's amusement it turned out to be a wooden deer used for target practice. My son in law and grandsons where in stitches . My husband said if you looked in an dictionary under gullible was my picture. That sums up my husband and children's humour . And now 2 of my 5 grandsons move have something to say about nannie and the wooden deer.

Hopefully that has made you smile. 😊.

That's why my husband loved Christmas he's parents never showed him any love or attention. I wasn't brought up with money but we had brilliant Christmas's . My dad didn't have a good childhood. But my mom's family even though not much money they went all out at Christmas.

So growing up my brother and me had brilliant Christmas's with our family traditions. Christmas morning always mince pies and sausage rolls for breakfast my dad made from his own mincemeat and rough puff pastry. Dad made the Christmas pud and mom the cake but dad decorated it.
With my dad and husband they tried to out do eachother with decorating our houses silly really but they loved it so we let them do what they want.

Because they loved Christmas so much my tree is always up on 1st December and decorations . Dad died in 2007, 3 years after my husband but mom always put up the tree and decorations.

It's a way of holding on to them and doing something for them . Mom died in 2017.

Grief never gets easier as the years go by but the love never weakens . As far as I am concerned I am still married and always will be . My husband was my one and only my true love the other half of myself and haven't whole since he took his last breath but because of him I do what I do otherwise I would be breaking my promises to him . And I never will do that. I love him to much for that . ❤️

Whiff

Reading this thread and other bereavement threads I realise I wish had all your lovely ladies when my husband died. How I would have loved the help and support you all give . I wouldn't have thought I had to be brave or feel the guilt it should have been me that died not him . Looking back I don't know how I got through everyday but I had people dependant on me and realised years later I should have had some me time but couldn't . I was on call 24/7 but I would do it all again as I couldn't abandon people who needed me . Even my mother in law who I hated for 40 years.

I would hate anyone to do and go through what I did . I didn't realise the cost to my physical and mental health. Or the fact I lost me . But all my life experiences have made me who I am . And try in my way to help others as best as I can.

GN is a lifeline for me and know many others . Yes there are rotters here on other forums but they are few glad to say.

This year is quickly coming to an end and so many have had loved ones die. But I and many others still grief over are loves ones . But being able to talk to people who understand helps me enormously. So thank you all and hope 2025 is a year that while the grief doesn't get easier you just cope a bit better as the time goes by . 💐

Dear Whiff. I just had to say how much I loved your post. Don’t know why, especially. It just seemed to fit, if that makes sense.
And far from losing yourself, you seem very much ‘together’ to me. You sound like a lovely person and I wish you all the very best for the future.

Well done BA69 - thoughts are with you - you did your own thing and many first Christmas widows get sucked into accepting invitations just to make other people feel better. Having counselled the bereaved for many years, I know how important it is to make your own decisions. I really wish you well.

Be proud of how you managed the day, BA69, and use it as a stepping stone to the future. Husband & I had a quiet Christmas Day and spent some time thinking of our many friends and acquaintances who lost loved ones this year. As octogenarians we are well aware that our time cannot be too far off and we hope that we will be able to draw on the dignity and positivity exhibited by so many gransnetters and others of our acquaintance.

were bereaved this year

Sorry for your loss and glad you did your Christmas Day your way stay strong ❤️

So many thoughtful posts on this subject, I was a youngish widow with children on our first Christmas without my husband, that was 32 years ago and there have been many different Christmas days since then, but as many have said the first anniversary’s, Christmas, Weddings birthdays are always days to be got through and as we all know time doesn’t heal, you just learn to deal with grief in your own way. Onwards and upwards for me I’m glad I’m still here to enjoy life.

I cannot understand people on here saying “ The first year is the worst “ “ You will get over it “ or “ You will have a lovely time “ about going away. How do they know ? It’s what the posters wish and hope for but there is no certainty so why say it ?
Everyone is different with different outcomes so the most any of us can do is hope for a grieving person to gradually adjust to their situation. Just saying “ You’ll be fine “ does nothing for the bereaved and after my husband died and when I had risky major surgery being told “ You’ll be fine “ made me want to scream out “ You’ll don’t know that “.

Well done BA69

It will seem worse when everyone else seems to be celebrating and, even if you were to spend the day with others, you can still feel lonely in a crowd.

I hope you're enjoying a change of scene on your break.

I would like to add my word of praise for you managing your first Christmas without your husband.

Well done BA69, it's amazing how brilliantly adaptable we humans are. Sending you the best of wishes for the New Year & a big woof from my hairy mongrel friend. 😊