First Christmas as a widow- I got through the day

Third Christmas for me. I’m with others, the grief remains our companion. It may be less raw but it stays. I’ve decided mine is my travelling companion. It’s not exactly a friend but it reminds me how very fortunate I’ve been to have 42 happy eventful years with such a lovely man. Our memories, the famiky and friends we built together, sustain me.

Calendargirl

Well done, you can feel very proud of yourself.

I hope you enjoy your break, if that’s the right word.

I agree, and the first Christmas will always be the worse one.

Almost three years since DH’s death and special times and events are just as painful and the empty space in my life just as obvious. But in order not to be the person everyone avoids because they are so depressing we keep it to ourselves and soldier on. Not sure if it gets easier or the performance is just more polished, but that is how it feels.

Reading this thread and other bereavement threads I realise I wish had all your lovely ladies when my husband died. How I would have loved the help and support you all give . I wouldn't have thought I had to be brave or feel the guilt it should have been me that died not him . Looking back I don't know how I got through everyday but I had people dependant on me and realised years later I should have had some me time but couldn't . I was on call 24/7 but I would do it all again as I couldn't abandon people who needed me . Even my mother in law who I hated for 40 years.

I would hate anyone to do and go through what I did . I didn't realise the cost to my physical and mental health. Or the fact I lost me . But all my life experiences have made me who I am . And try in my way to help others as best as I can.

GN is a lifeline for me and know many others . Yes there are rotters here on other forums but they are few glad to say.

This year is quickly coming to an end and so many have had loved ones die. But I and many others still grief over are loves ones . But being able to talk to people who understand helps me enormously. So thank you all and hope 2025 is a year that while the grief doesn't get easier you just cope a bit better as the time goes by . 💐

BA69 you've taken a big step forwards getting through the first Christmas on your own. There will be a lot of firsts to get through as I remember well but you made it through.
There will be ups and downs but a time comes when you will not feel so raw and life will get easier. It takes time so be kind to yourself. 💐💐💐

You too, Fartooold

To all you bereaved ladies, my heart goes out to you, I am on my 3rd Christmas without my lovely husband and to be honest it was the worst so far!
All you can do is keep going! A happier 2025 to you all.

Miss A you mentioning the 7 year itch made me remember years ago asking my son when does grief end he said 20 years. But no in my experience it doesn't end in fact for me it gets worse as the years go by but just learnt to cope with it, but it can still overwhelm me at times out of the blue. But I just let the tears flow and have a rant at my husband out loud if I need to but it helps me and I feel better.

Madeleine very thoughtful post. This year I didn't realise the date until the went to bed and it would have been our wedding anniversary. But it didn't make me sad as so many things went wrong that day it could have ended in disaster but didn't. And I look bad on the day with happiness not sadness. I have always had to cope with doing things my disability has meant I had to do things my way. But there are times things happen and I rant at my husband saying where are you when I need you or this wouldn't happen if you where here. But then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feeling better now. And I do .

Next year I am going to my first classical concert on what would have been the 50th anniversary of our first date . I only realised the date when I booked it but she's only doing the concert on that day and it's in the Music room and not the main concert venue. I already have my hi fidelity ear plugs ready so I can still hear the music but without the fear of setting my neurological condition off. Wanted to go too a classical concert since I moved here 5.5 years ago but since getting my diagnosis in 2022 and finding my Facebook group I understand why my body does and did what it did . And understand why I have had to do things a certain way.

While I was so happy to know I am not weird but have HPX I wanted my husband as when my health got worse in 1988 and the children very young he just said we alter our way of life to suit what you can do and be a normal family. Nothing about me ever phased him . I was lucky to love and be loved by such a man . But I am lucky enough to have been brought up with a large extended family and no one treated me as different. My brother and I were rich in love and attention not money . And my whole family gave that love and attention to my husband as he was denied it from his own parents .

And as usual veered off topic of BA and her adventure. Have a wonderful time and know your husband is always with you in your mind and heart . 🎄

Madeleine 45 well done you. The bravery of you women astounds me and your resilience is admirable. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel and respect the way you all seem to deal with it. Feel humbled.

My husband died in 2016, but I miss him still and think about him . I have physically moved on and done things, but still miss him so much. Things like the bathroom disaster , I coped with it , but wished he was here and wonder why these things happen when I am on my own. Christmas day I stayed in and took it easy but sorted a few more things and put things back where they belonged and did some washing. Had radio3 on most of the day and watched a bit of tv Downton Abbey. But every year I go on a little pilgrimage sometime around christmas, depending on my health and the weather. I make a picnic, put my walking boots and binoculars and fleece and mac in the car. Then I go up to our special place above Thwaite in Swaledale. I sit there letting my beautiful swaledale work its magic and think of my husband and the times we have been there together. I tell him about what has been happening and think of how he would have been so practical and helpful. Watch the birds and the countryside, until whatever I am worried about recedes to its proper place and when I am ready come home. I also sometimes go to the sea to Saltburn by myself . At those times I do not want any one with me , but at other times have invited friends to join, It helps to have a couple of places that meant something to you both, where you can just go as and when you need to. Very gradually the hurt becomes a little less, and I can think of him and smile Only you can know what will help you, and also , you can plan a trip and then not want to go on it.Dont beat yourself up if you have to turn round and come home, or cant face driving a particular way. Just keep plodding on, and then one day you will realize you have driven past a plaec that you just thought of him with pleasure rathe than sadness and the memories become more of pleasant times than sad. Occasionally things will all go together to make it worse, when it is a bad day and you cant see how to go ahead or make decisions. I have sat and cried, gone to bed and pulled the duvet over my head, or gone out in the garden and snipped my way round with them , wishing things could be different
but it passes and I revert to a more positive situation.Hope things improve for you and remember we are all on here and happy to be in touch if you want to

Not sure that itch ever goes away MissA, maybe we just scratch it more gently over time 🌻

Thank you.
Am wondering if there's a bereavement equivalent of the seven year itch?

So pleased you got through it, BA69. Enjoy your break, and remember if you’re not comfortable you can always return home. 💐
Sad to hear that you’ve been struggling this year MissAdventure. 💐

So glad you got through the day - next year will be easier, but we do think of our dear ones at Christmas and on other anniversaries and on ordinary days too.

I gather your loss is recent, so please, take one day at a time - there is no way you, or anyone else can say how fast or slowly you move forward. Grief is so individual. I found myself missing my husband, who died last year, and my mother who died 22 years ago in equal measure yesterday!

Mourning is a roller-coaster ride in my experience - one day you are coping, the next you just want to weep.

You are not alone - we are many in the same case on gransnet, so make use of us when you need to.

I am so sorry for your loss, but now the hurdle of Christmas is over, so I hope you find it easier to manage the other anniversaries.

Thank all you lovely people for your messages of support, many of you have been in the same situation and my heart goes out to you.

Keep posting Whiff, I like reading your insightful posts

I agree that grief is complex. Love to all of you

It takes me so long to type I miss everyone else's posts until I am ready to posts mine . That's the problem with trembling hands so many mistakes to correct and still get typos 😱🤦.

BA you will have a lovely time on your break. And you won't be the only one on your own. You will soon get chatting to people and the time will fly by.

My best friend had her first Christmas at home but did all the things she did with her husband. He had only died in the November. But this year spent it with a friend and had a good time .

Firsts of everything are hard but I have found as time goes by it gets harder . My husband is frozen in time at 47 . He would have been 67 this year . He will be 47 forever in my mind and heart while I age . Can't help but wonder what our life would be like at times . But I don't dwell on it as that's the path to self destruction but that's just my view.

This year had my first holiday since 2005 and only went then as my husband made me promise to go on holiday. Went to York for 3 days and hated it but I was 46 never been on holiday on my own ever. Because of looking after others and money didn't go again until this year.

But I went away in May I enjoyed it so much went away again in September. I booked in October to go to Llandudno in May. I won't go anywhere we went together . I go by train as I couldn't stand being on a coach . Missed my chance to go abroad as not capable of doing it . But loving choosing places to go here . Already decided to go too Harrogate in September. I stay a premier Inn as they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled. Only go Monday to Friday as I don't want to be in a hotel of a weekend. And always find people to talk to . I like going places I would like to see . But I know my limits as my body soon tells me enough.

Hopefully BA you will enjoy yourself that you will like another break when it's a bit warmer. I have friends who like to cruise but only go on Fred Olsen as the ships are smaller but they have plenty of activities and shows to suit all tastes.

Let us know how you get on .

Thanks Pammie.

Yes, I think it's impossible to understand grief unless you've experienced it; it's like a personality transplant!
So very complex.

Nice to see you about, by the way.

MissAdventure

You got through it, so well done.
Just my perspective, but I think if you ache for someone every single day, well, christmas is just more of the same.

I have struggled more this year, though, so yet again grief throws up some surprises.

I'm so glad to hear you managed, and you're away soon.

So sorry you’re struggling. Grief’s a funny thing isn’t it ? Just when you think you’ve turned a corner and you’re doing better, you get side swiped by the most unexpected things and you’re right back where you started. Wishing you well.

I'm glad you got through it. They do say the first year is the very worst. My widowed brother said it took him about 3 years before he could begin to adjust to things without my dear sister-in-law. It really does take time. God bless and enjoy your wee break.

39Lathyrus3

Thank you.

I know the feeling well. You’ve done really well to get through the day. The pain will lessen, I promise you - you never ‘get over it’ as people like to say, but you do learn to live with it, and although the firsts are painful, after a while, the better memories will come through. Grief for your life partner makes your world very grey for a time, but I can tell you from experience, the sun does come out again. Wishing you well.

BA69 well done for getting through the day. A friend of mine, also widowed, prefers to be alone on Christmas Day and pleases herself regarding food and activities during the day. Another friend, single, goes away for Christmas with a local coach company. She goes to a different destination each year and enjoys herself hugely. I hope you enjoy your break.

Well done BA69 for getting through the day and for planning your Twixmas break. It’s something Ive done often since my husband died many years ago and I’ve always enjoyed myself with other likeminded people who also wanted a break.

I’m sorry this Christmas was especially hard for you MissAdventure.