Advice needed on where to live now

I do hope all the slagging off of retirement developments isn't discouraging people happily living in these kinds of flats from posting here.

I have visited a number of these developments and found them all very pleasant, and people who live in them enjoying their time there. The fact they would not suit me, does not mean that they do not suit others, but then we are serial house renovators and about to take on a final (I think ) house renovation in our selection of a down sized home and I would suggest that for most people on GN that would be their definition of hell on earth.

There are quite a few retirement places around here, flats and groups of bungalows. Seriously, all, bar one, have limited parking for residents [none allocated, just get one where you can] and I happen to know it has caused problems for quite a few.

I think the planners underestimate, even today, the number of older people who drive and don't want to give up their cars...or arrive home with no space left to park in. A few places are on main roads with double yellow lines so nowhere nearby to park outside either.

Add to that the friends and relatives who come to visit, often an influx at weekends, also carers/cleaners who may come on a daily basis. Then visits by chiropodists, hairdressers, the people who tend the gardens.

Add to that the fact that with each changeover in ownership decor and kitchens/bathrooms are getting dated and tastes differ. So think of all the trades [and their large vans] needing to park nearby, those changing kitchens, bathrooms, tiling, electrics, plastering, taking out or putting in fitted wardrobes, carpet/flooring fitters etc. etc....and there is a big problem. All of which cause the residents days, maybe weeks of stress at an age where they can well do without it..

Thanks one and all for your input. I’ve read every single post and I am really grateful for your collective wisdom.

The points that stand out for me are to bide my time and get on with grieving, for now, and to probably avoid the likes of McCarthy Stone etc.

The retirement apartment appealed as I suddenly feel vulnerable on my own. My DH was a complete wiz at any sort of DIY. I worry about something going wrong and not knowing what to do.

I probably relied on him too much but he was so good at fixing things, he just did it.

Those ladies on their own, how do you find the sort of handy man who will fix things without ripping you off?

lixy

Future proof yourself as much as you can, so look for somewhere with easy access to shops, bus routes, doctors’ surgery, post box. Somewhere in an area you like and has activities/places you are interested in.

Look critically at a property thinking about ease of access and upkeep.

Being close to family is lovely but, as you are clearly aware, that can change at the drop of a hat so has to be a happy extra rather than a basic criteria when looking to move.
Good luck with your search.

Excellent advice

I went with my husband when he went to photograph a large newly built retirement complex, Bath I tink it was. It appeared lovely, large atrium with benches and running water

Then we went to some of the apartments, average was one small bedroom, one bathroom with bath! one small living kitchen and that was it. It made me panic, it was so small compared to an average family home

That is the memory of retirement living which will stay with me and I will never go into an old-people complex of any sort, call them retirement villages, anything you like but they are obvious money earners for the people in suits, draining the people who live in them before and also after they die and they are chucked out if they need care

My savings will go on paid-for help if ever needed, not yet at 77. I now have all the facilities I would need and live in a lovely mixed-age community

Crossstitchfan I think you are confusing living in a retirement flat with living in a home.

A retirement flat/village development is occupied by older peeopl who are independent and live independent lives. Some find them very good to live in because they travel a lot and can go away for months and know their home is secure. Others move to one in their home town to continue to live and socialise in the ir usual way, but without worrying about the care and maintenance of a house.

I have friends living in retirement flats, none of them are remotely dependent on care, all drive, have cars and continue a busy social life outside their retirement development.

To be honst I do not really recognise your description of Care homes, although, I confess I found the 'singalong' sessions a bit grim, but never compulsory. Between 1975 and 2014, I was regulalry visiting different friends and relations in care. Four people in all in 6 different care homes.

Their experience there depended entirely on their personalities and capabilities. None chose to spend their days in the day room, and nobody made them, neither were they forced to take part in activities if they did not want to.

Personally retirement flats are not for me. DH and I, in our 80s are downsizing to another project house. DH is drawing up the planning application as I write, but I can see how they suit other people and I have friends living in them very happily. My only concern about them is the way they milk residents of money with high maintenance fees and taking a cut of the price when the flat is eventually sold.

Oreo

If you can afford an apartment in a retirement village I would think about doing that. You would soon have new friends and neighbours with everything tailored to your needs and also future needs.There are some lovely ones but do lots of research.

I know I am old and I accept that. (I have to, as I don’t fancy the alternative!)
That said, going to live in a retirement village would probably instantly age me by about ten years, if it didn’t kill me first! I really can’t think of anything worse. Being surrounded by old people, without anyone but the staff around, no young people, only adults, would be awful. Being guided to an armchair to sleep my day away, well, I might as well be dead. Can you imagine the staff popping in to announce that Bingo has just started, or that the coach is outside waiting to take us all for a ‘nice little drive’.
And don’t get me started on mealtimes…..‘apple crumble, Mrs Smith?’
I have visited a few friends/relatives in homes over the years. The songs the staff make the ‘inmates’ sing have been out of WW2 for as long as I have been going to them. It’s still a long way to Tipperary, it appears.
Shudder!

To answer a previous poster, my son already has power of attorney for me and I’ve updated my will.

Where are your friends and your social life? That bis where you need to be.

My friends and my interests have been what has seen me through since my OH died. My family have been lovely but I absolutely refuse to rely on them or to plan my life round them, as I feel this would be wrong. They need to be free to fly.

I felt exactly the same when my husband died suddenly 3 years ago.
Remaining in our family home of over 40 years was a constant reminder of my loss and maintaining our large garden was daunting.

I'm glad I took the advice of waiting a year.
I'm happy to stay put now.

’ve looked at retirement property, think McCarthy Stone, or similar. I can afford it but they are expensive, especially the overheads.
Avoid the at all costs when it comes to the property having to be sold it will be worth only a fraction of what you paid for it . Do some googling about these retirement flats . The overheads are too much too .

What lovely compassionate, sound and sensible advice - your response will be filed away for use when I need it 😇

The local "support system" too is important.

I've come from a small southern English city with pretty high standards - yep....I make jokes about we'll only consider a firm or place or whatever to be "ours" if it's at least 90% satisfactory - otherwise we "walk" (ie find a better whatever-it-is).

In a smaller place in remote West Wales where there isn't the "perfectionist - or I keep swopping" attitude - but more of a "pick so-and-so because they're my friend/schoolmate/at least a fellow 'local' " is a very different attitude and I've found it hard to find my "at least 90% - or I'm still looking". I had to go through several dentists, several hairdressers, several plumbers, several decorators before I found my "at least 90% standard" ones and they know it - ie I've emerged from my hairdresser today thinking "£55 for a cut and blowdry - phew - I swear that's a London price I'm being charged!"...but that's what I have to pay to get my standard it seems.

So - you're probably not going to have as long distance a move - but do give it a thought who you will use for all the services you require in any new location you go to.

My son lives 20 minutes away, which I think is perfectly fine. He talks of me living on the same street. He’s extremely caring and lovely and I really appreciate him. My DIL is just as caring and lovely. She’s asked me to go on holiday with them.

The holiday is a lovely offer and a good idea.
We took my mother-in-law away with us for many years after her second husband died. Later my parents came as well, they all got on.

I think, in the past, renting was a good idea but honestly I don’t think it’s a good idea now, or maybe not even possible.

Rental properties are in short supply. The costs of setting up a rental are so high now that most landlords are looking for permanent tenants, not one who is only planning to stay for a year.
Rents are high - not much for under a £1000 a month for quite cramped properties. £12000 to £15000 a year on rent would go a long way to the cost of resale and a bought property would probably have increased in value to cover some of those costs too.

I was in the OPs position and bought a small new build terrace house. It gave me a project making it to my taste and finding out what I liked rather than the “we” compromise.
I think it could be quite depressing to live in a rental property on your own, not able to make changes in decor or facilities to make it your home.

Good advice CariadAgain.
Never forget that one doesn't own a view when buying house. Alas!!
We have looked over barley fields for 25yrs and now developers are ripping it all up to build hundreds of new builds! 😶

Firstly, condolences , secondly, take your time.

Try not to be reliant on others too much, do you like the village where your son lives? Does it have good transport links and everything you need?

Why not rent for a little while?

Good luck

My son lives 20 minutes away, which I think is perfectly fine. He talks of me living on the same street. He’s extremely caring and lovely and I really appreciate him. My DIL is just as caring and lovely. She’s asked me to go on holiday with them.

When my husband died four years ago I wanted to move too my house is too big for me but I do like it. The thing is with me it is close to shops, GP Surgery and Train Stations so I dont have that problem. So I think I am going to stay until I cant live alone anymore. However if I was in your situation I would wait a year and in the meantime make a list of pro's and con's of where and what type of home you want. Bear in mind that in a flat you will have a Lease Fee and Service Charges. Also in flats that are built for over 55's or more it is very difficult to sell them on when the time comes. Family have to continue to pay the lease etc and it sometimes takes a long time to sell.

How near to where you live at the moment are your family? Would you be able to move to a small town near their village? I know you are relatively young but I am guessing that you would not want the upheaval of another move later on. If you are in a town, you will have access to medical services and public transport is generally better if you get to the point that you don’t want to drive. There is usually more to do in a town, too. Would there be a possibility of a bungalow? Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out well for you.

I am very sorry your husband recently died. Give yourself time look after yourself and eat properly.
I must admit sitting in our sunhouse yesterday. I was looking at our house and thinking if my husband goes before me, where would I begin. I understand your dilemma you are not happy in your present home that's obvious. That should be your starting point take each step at a time. You have comprehensive advice here so I am sure you will be fine.

I am exactly in the position you are my husband having died in January. I too don't want to stay where I am but don't know where to go and dread moving. I've been told to wait before I make any decisions but it's very hard to know what to do on top of trying to move forward making a new life for myself. I completely relate to how you feel so hopefully everything will become clearer in time.

Definitely wait a year. And then think about transport links, what will happen when you can’t drive , can you walk to nearby shops, bus train etc. where are your friends? What are your activities , local groups?
I always said we’d like to retire to the Wye Valley from Sussex ( where we still are) but at my 50th birthday party , I realised that my friends and interests are here in Sussex so why would I move? Don’t rush to make a decision! Good luck !

Agreed

I am just under 20 miles from my mother-in-law.
It works for us.