Advice needed on where to live now

I’m sorry to hear of your husbands death

Give it some time. It’s so recent you need to grieve and make decisions after that

Future proof yourself as much as you can, so look for somewhere with easy access to shops, bus routes, doctors’ surgery, post box. Somewhere in an area you like and has activities/places you are interested in.

Look critically at a property thinking about ease of access and upkeep.

Being close to family is lovely but, as you are clearly aware, that can change at the drop of a hat so has to be a happy extra rather than a basic criteria when looking to move.
Good luck with your search.

The advice is always 'wait a year'

While waiting, make a list, first of what your perfect location would be, perhaps start with the perfect but least practical - a cottage deep in the Devon countryside surrounded by fields, for example and then gradually reason it down. Perhaps a cottage not too far from where you live now, in a large village with good transport links and with you able to continue your existing social networks.

Yu did the right thing asking your son, would he ever move, so perhaps the thing to do there, is see if there is a small country town nearby. Somewhere you will have all services - doctors, shops, social groups. etc within foot or buggy reach, where you can be near your son but also build up your own independent social life, so if he does move, your own life can continue untrammelled. Check out any town you consider, check that it has the kind of social activities you enjoy, does it have a train service.

We are currently downsizing and moving nearer our children and having got the right area several towns were ruled out because none of the activities we enjoy were provided for in the area.

Hope that suggested thought process helps.

I obviously do nt know you, where you live now and what you enjoy doing

I definitely agree wait a year and give your self time to grieve. Your mind and thoughts will be all over the place and only when time passes you will be able to think more clearly. Thinking of you.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I always hear people say not to make any major decisions for at least six months, but it seems you do indeed know that you don't want to stay in a house that is too large for you.

This recently happened to my SIL, and she has already sold the house and rented a small apartment in town. She is on the list for a larger apartment in the same building, but will have to wait for a vacancy. This gives her plenty of time to decide if she likes being there, and how much room she really needs to have.

You haven't said how far away your son lives, or how connected you are to your present location. I do understand wanting to be close to family. Can you find somewhere to rent so you are not committed to a purchase? That might be too many upheavals for you, but you want to be certain that you have made the right move.

Thanks so much everyone. It’s really lovely that strangers are so kind, supportive and thoughtful. I think perhaps taking a few deep breaths and slowing things down is a good plan. Thanks again.

I’m sorry for your loss. Yes, please slow things down a bit. You need time to better understand what is important to you as your life will be, not as it was.

When my Mum died we were on the brink of asking my Dad if he wanted to live with us, there was plenty of space. Sensibly I now realise we had second thoughts. He was fine living independently close to friends, he was also close enough for us to see him regularly. We realised our reaction had been a knee jerk to my Mum’s death. It’s of course understandable and admirable that you son wants to look after you, it just may not be the right thing to move to their village. You already know your current home isn’t where you want to stay, with time you’ll know what and where would be. It could be to your sons village, or not. Perhaps reassure your son you’re thinking about the future and appreciate he wants to care for you. That’s enough for now.

Abnuyc123 as you've said you're not particularly attached to the house and would have liked to move anyway, I don't think you need to wait a year just for the sake of it.

I do think that this is your time now and you can take your time to start really thinking about what you want, do your research, draw up your list of essentials and nice-to-haves.

Do you have a good friendship circle, do you belong to social groups you value.
Do you live near public transport, doctor's surgery, shops.
Think "future-proofing", so easy access and not too many stairs!

How far from where you are now is your son's village? I think you already have reservations about that suggestion, kind and well-meaning as it is.

Sympathy to all of you for the sudden loss of your husband x

My DH loved this house, a new build, bought in ‘93 and had he lived, I don’t think moving/relocating would’ve cropped up, as long as one of us could drive.
He died in 2021 and while at 74, I still drive, I’m happy here - it’s far too big, as is the garden, the situation isn’t convenient for anything much and it’s expensive to run. At the moment none of these is a problem. My small circle of friends is around me and I’ve good neighbours too.
At first, DD1 was quite vocal in trying to get me to move nearer to her and/or DD2, but I know they’re both busy with demanding jobs, husbands, sons and out-laws, so I think I’d be as low down on the pecking order as I am here. They see me as very capable - I don’t expect them to do physical jobs for me and have my little list of handy tradespeople to call on. Never say never, but both they and their DHs are fairly sure they’ll be staying put or if moving, it’d be within the same suburb of Newcastle.
The big decision if and when it might arise is two fold. Firstly the downsize, which I’d probably manage although I’d have to be ruthless in sorting out my possessions or buying new, but it’s the location which would be the problem. I think the DDs would be fine with me buying somewhere smaller, but perhaps not happy if I stay where I am - 25miles away or further, should I opt to return to a more familiar development where everything I’d need is easily accessed.

Not much help Ab and I’m sorry for your loss. However, I’d echo previous posts and take your time making any decision.

If you decide to sell up and move somewhere new, rent for a year before you buy, then if it is a disaster, you can extricate yourself and start again.

Abnuyc, sending you heartfelt sympathy.
The advice to take time is very wise, I'd say . It is still very early days.
You are wise to be cautious about moving to be near a son who might find his dream job and relocate a hundred miles away.
Take the opportunity now, to think about where would suit you, taking the good advice given here. Start to declutter to accommodate your needs for a smaller, more convenient space. Take some cuttings from any favourite plants to pot up to come with you.
Don't rush - grieving takes it's own sweet time. Good luck.

If you can afford an apartment in a retirement village I would think about doing that. You would soon have new friends and neighbours with everything tailored to your needs and also future needs.There are some lovely ones but do lots of research.

Thanks everyone. Good advice from you all.

Oreo

If you can afford an apartment in a retirement village I would think about doing that. You would soon have new friends and neighbours with everything tailored to your needs and also future needs.There are some lovely ones but do lots of research.

I am not sure I agree. High maintenance costs, taking a share of the prie when sold - and if it takes a long time to sell, and they frequently do, hour heirs have to pay council tax on it at second home rate.

Once again, see if you can try before you buy and rent one for a while.

I’ve been looking at retirement complexes. There are definitely drawbacks with costs. The monthly fees can be as much as £800, which is an awful lot of money. There are clauses as well where the company takes a cut wherever they can.

I’m going to give that plan a miss for now.

I can’t face moving twice, so renting is off the table. Even moving once feels very daunting.

I’m wondering whether I should spend money on this house, so I can love it. My concern is, I’ll spend the money and still not love it.

Have a look round and see if there's a smallish town, or a village, which has a community - WI, village hall, shop etc.

While a lot of people have moved into our village and don't join in with anything, we still have a core community. The - slightly - younger ones keep an eye on those who are becoming less able, give lifts to medical appointments (poor bus service), help with events and so on.

If you find somewhere with an active community you can muck in while you are able and build up some credit for when you might need some help. Then, if your son does move away, you will have friends and acquaintances and won't be isolated.

How do you know you will be happy if you move? Think very carefully, give yourself a bit of time to explore other areas, amenities eg health services. Sometimes its better the devil you know.

Enjoy your house and look around. These things can't be rushed. Good luck

I'd look at finding somewhere to live where the NHS is still functioning well. You might need them in future to stay fit and functioning.

Lots of good advice here.I always think M0nica nails it! but there are lots of other useful suggestions.
As a retired housing person, I would add, be wary of retirement villages/ apartments.They may be right for many, but if you buy rather than rent, you can be stuck next to someone noisy or who is ill and with behavioural problems, and have difficulty selling. Also, service charges can be very high, and if you die and your children cannot sell the property quickly, they can still be liable for these costs. Find out as much as you can before going down this road.

My health suddenly deteriorated over a year ago, and I wish now I had sold earlier. I have to pay people to do house and garden maintenance I always used to do myself, and when I can no longer drive I will have a problem. I live a long way from my ACs, and though they make the effort to visit, they are busy working, and I now have to take longer to travel to see them. Have lost a number of friends lately - aging population here. And housing market stagnant at the moment.Will be looking, when I can, for all the small town facilities others have suggested and opportunities to keep up my interests with a range of like minded people of all ages, as well as being nearer to my ACs.
Good luck

When I was wondering whether to move after DH died (house larger than I need, garden demanding) a friend reminded me that wherever I went I would take myself with me. In other words, moving house would not fill the DH sized gap in my life. So three years down the line I am making the house as easy as possible for an unimaginable future and staying put in a community I value highly.

Whilst you're deciding what to do in the long term - perhaps it would be an idea to do a gradual declutter - ie one drawer and then another drawer and you'll have worked your way through a chest of drawers. Then one shelf of a bookcase...then the next shelf etc.

Whatever you decide to do - you won't then have to do a huge declutter in a matter of days - as you will have been working your way towards it gradually.

The other point I'd make is to bear in mind that, if you do decide to move, "some other b&gger" may muck up the area you've got your eye on. For instance - you've thought "Lovely bit of countryside to look out on from my windows" - but some developer somewhere may also have his beady little eyes on that and with the intention of building on it and ruining it.

One of the things I got right (there's a lot I underestimated) when I moved to current area is I checked out the Local Development Plan and was able to think "A developer has got his little eyes on this bit - but that bit should be safe for as long as I need it as 'nice nearby area' ".