Advice needed on where to live now

I downsized when my husband died 5 years ago. I didn’t like where we lived, had no strong ties. My first thought was to move back to my home country (Scotland), but my son wanted me to move closer to him in NW England. So I moved, but I don’t feel settled here. Young ones have their own busy lives and I’m alone most of the time. I should have followed my first instinct and suggest you do the same.

M0nica

The advice is always 'wait a year'

While waiting, make a list, first of what your perfect location would be, perhaps start with the perfect but least practical - a cottage deep in the Devon countryside surrounded by fields, for example and then gradually reason it down. Perhaps a cottage not too far from where you live now, in a large village with good transport links and with you able to continue your existing social networks.

Yu did the right thing asking your son, would he ever move, so perhaps the thing to do there, is see if there is a small country town nearby. Somewhere you will have all services - doctors, shops, social groups. etc within foot or buggy reach, where you can be near your son but also build up your own independent social life, so if he does move, your own life can continue untrammelled. Check out any town you consider, check that it has the kind of social activities you enjoy, does it have a train service.

We are currently downsizing and moving nearer our children and having got the right area several towns were ruled out because none of the activities we enjoy were provided for in the area.

Hope that suggested thought process helps.

I obviously do nt know you, where you live now and what you enjoy doing

This is very good advice indeed.

The man thing to do, if you decide to move is throughly research the place you intend to move to - no matter how close a child may be living.

None of us knows what the future holds and everything from a total out of the blue job relocation, to a tragedy in the family can change thing, so if you suddenly find yourself alone in a new town, it needs to be one where the services you want/need are close to hand. This includes opportunities to socialise and make friends.

We are in the process of moving so that travel to us is easier. Up/down one motorway rather than cross country and we researched a number of towns up and down the motorway corridor. Checking for where we could find the right house in the right location, accessibility of mainline railways station, where were doctors, dentists, hairdressers, what opportunities were there for us to go out and find activities we enjoy that would help us build up a social life.

Only when we had done that did we start house hunting. Then DD went to do a recce for us, saw the house of her dreams - and has now moved to the same town, only 5 minutes from the house we are buying!

My son and his wife asked me to move nearer to them after my Husband died. They lived a two hour car journey away from me. They said if I became ill or needed help it would be so difficult for them to help me as it would mean having to take time off work. I decided they were right and moved home with their help.
They were correct and they now visit me every day just to check if I am OK. My son now cuts the grass for me and Daughter in Law helps with my shopping

Petra,
Thank you for replying. However,, you suggested the bridge mentioned was the Orwell Bridge. That bridge is in Suffolk and a bit of a hike from Wales or Northern France! 😂

It is location which is important.
Do you like the area you live in, do you have friends, activities, facilities, good transport links ?
If so look for a smaller property in that location.
If you like the place where your son lives consider that, if you would be able to be independent.
Retirement apartments look good, but if you get a difficult neighbour the Associations have little power to control their behaviour. (A friend moved to one, lovely, until a retired Major moved in, played classical music very loudly most days and late into the night; the Association said it was unable to take action.) She eventually moved out, at a loss.
Most importantly, take your time.

Yes I think you are right. I honestly don’t think I will ever love this house. I’m not planning on throwing money at it.

Abnuyc123

I can’t face moving twice, so renting is off the table. Even moving once feels very daunting.

I’m wondering whether I should spend money on this house, so I can love it. My concern is, I’ll spend the money and still not love it.

Yes, you will spend the money and still not love it.

I am in a somewhat similar situation as you.

What about waiting for a smaller home for sale in your own neighborhood? (What are the odds that a growing young family is looking for a larger home?) That way, you dont have to start anew, you dont have to pay retirement home fees, you dont have to exist in a home you dont like and your son can pop in whenever he has time.

The advice you have been given is sound. We live for many years in France. Close friends there decided to move back to Suffolk as their SiL worked at the port in Felixstowe. So relocate they did, bought a converted barn etc. Six months later, their D and SiL told the couple he had been awarded the manager's position at the port in Dubai! So off the young ones went. Our friends were not best pleased

lixy

Future proof yourself as much as you can, so look for somewhere with easy access to shops, bus routes, doctors’ surgery, post box. Somewhere in an area you like and has activities/places you are interested in.

Look critically at a property thinking about ease of access and upkeep.

Being close to family is lovely but, as you are clearly aware, that can change at the drop of a hat so has to be a happy extra rather than a basic criteria when looking to move.
Good luck with your search.

I quite agree.
I moved from Kent to Bristol to be nearer my DD after my husband died. I wasn’t taking the car, so stipulated that I needed to be walking distance from the bus, the doctor, shops, and (for me) a church.
I’m in Anchor sheltered accommodation. Yes, it’s fairly pricey but I have the reassurance of having pull cords and pendant, etc.
I am 77, in full possession of my marbles and my health. If DD and family move, I don’t think I shall. Not at my age!

Don't underestimate the mental effects of shock, stress, grief on usual thinking and judgement, post bereavement. I've seen several widowed friends, in the following 6 to 12 months, make major decisions that they later considered a big mistake.

Take your time. Having said that:

Downsizing, and moving hundreds of miles to a new area within reach of family, was a choice we made at 74, and it's been brilliant. Good luck.

Best done when you are relatively fit for househunting for a property that will best suit your future needs in older age or lesser health.

Yep...I'm in agreement with the idea of driving by and inspecting the area on foot.

I got my starter house after giving up in frustration at all the local estate agents (yep I was registered with them all - in my small city) sending me details of ones unsuitable for me. So I decided what were the best streets I could (just about) afford and decided to go for walks in them. I was waiting for the impossible basically - ie someone to start talking to me in one of them and tell me of a house for sale there that would fit my requirements. It worked. The first time I went for a walk in the street about no. 3 position on my list I was carefully assessing every house from the outside - and then I just stood there opposite one and was weighing it up very carefully and deciding it looked possible from the outside (yep there was no indication it was for sale). Out came the next door neighbour and invited me in for a cup of coffee - I accepted the invitation and went in and got told "Next door is going on the market for sale in two days time". Cue for I finished my drink and then went in viewing it....

I got my 2nd (current) house by deciding what areas of the country I could swop my starter house for my "final house" - ie it had to be a cheaper area than my own (as my starter house was a typical Victorian terrace house with tiny back yard and needing more work than I was prepared to do on a "starter") and I'd long known my "final house" would be "detached, with a garden in a reasonable - errr...yep....I meant middle class - area" and hence had to move to a cheaper area (as I was still single/still low income).

I scanned the entire country and decided against Scotland, North of England, North Wales and found a town I thought would be just about big enough for me in West Wales (I'd like it bigger and less remote ideally - but there's always going to be a downside). Then came over on holiday - with a list in hand of "possible" houses with me in case. Viewed the houses I'd decided to see and chose the one at the top of my list.

Another point was I'd done a lot of what I call "Google walks" before I came here - ie to see what the town was like visually. So I knew my way around pretty much before I came visiting.

I did find I got a "recommend" from a local to a specific house from one person (not affordable for a single person on low job pension and too far out for someone without a car). I got another "recommend" to a new estate being built in a more convenient location and took that as a compliment and could see it would suit me (as it's quite posh and not cheap - again...being single meant I couldnt afford it).

So yep a couple of local people in this area were being helpful and suggesting where I could buy - even if my finance level doesn't match "me" and so I couldnt afford them on the not-too-different from minimum wage level I've pretty much had throughout.

So - yep.....a darn good scout-around - and with an enquiring/approachable look on your face. Some people will spot what you're up to and, if they like the look of you, will start chatting helpfully.

Take it easy Abnuyc123, it must have been very traumatic what happened.

Moving, renting, relocating all rather exhausting I feel.

It’s good to see you’ve decided to wait a year before making decisions about moving. My husband died in 2022 and like you, I spent a lot of time sorting and clearing the things from his many interests. He’d started to do this as we knew his diagnosis meant we didn’t have long left together.
This was our family home but 4 beds and a garden that needs care made me consider a smaller bungalow. I looked and found nothing appealed. I’ve made changes in the house and garden that make maintenance easier.
I’m near the bus stop, decent supermarket 5 min drive/half hour walk away, we still have a library and post office in the village centre. My GP practice is good, local hospital under pressure but always been good with me and family. So I’m settled.
I’d run a mile from a retirement village 🌞

Always go and at least do a drive by. Despite all the detail on Rightmove, and the easy of Google Streetview, there is nothing to beat actully seeing the area a property is in.

DS had not seen the house we have been chasing for a year - and have caught (cross fingers), until recently, although he had Rightmove and google street viewed it lots of times.

Once he saw it, he was lyrical about its position, not its convenient to amenities, which it is, but how leafy the area was, how open, the trees and so on. There is a big Victorian flour mill behind it, converted into flats and houses and when you google streetview the house, seems to be dominated by the mill, but when you are actually in the street and looking at the property, it is the trees and greenery that capture the eye.

Abnuyc123

I can’t face moving twice, so renting is off the table. Even moving once feels very daunting.

I’m wondering whether I should spend money on this house, so I can love it. My concern is, I’ll spend the money and still not love it.

I think if there’s a possibility you might not love it even after work being done, it would appear your heart isn’t in that house. If you loved it, you wouldn’t be able to bear to leave it, no matter how inconvenient it is.
If I were you, I would take my time and have a look at some houses and flats, even those you think might not be suitable. You’ll find that things will show up that you hadn’t considered when you thought about moving.
Try to be a bit open-minded about where you’ll go. You might surprise yourself.
Other posters have pointed out many things to bear in mind, so there’s not much more to say. My advice would be :-
Look at lots of different possibilities. Don’t be put off by thinking a place isn’t for you, just because on paper, it might not be. For example, when I moved, I knew I wanted a house, not a flat. In spite of that, my daughter persuaded me to look at a particular block of flats, simply because she said I couldn’t dismiss a place just because I hadn’t considered it. The block was big, 9 floors with a beautiful sea view. I was determined not to go higher than the 4th floor, but again, my daughter said I should look higher, if only to be sure that it definitely wasn’t what I wanted. So I agreed to look at a flat on the 8th floor (gulp!). On the way to view it, I was determined I didn’t want it but the minute I walked in, I fell in love with it! I have been here for three years now and love it with a passion!
So, be open-minded, understand that what might not be what you think you want might be just perfect for you, as it was for me.
When you see the right place, you will know! Good luck!

You're very wise to give yourself a year.

Making life changing decisions when you're at your most vulnerable can lead to a very wrong decision.

You do need time and space to get past the very raw grief. Be kind to yourself. Hopefully you will feel it in yourself to know when the time is right to think about a move.

I wouldn’t do anything in haste, stay put, whilst you write a plan, pros & cons of moving to a different area.
If you were to move to your son’s village, you may hopefully have made friends by the time they move.
Meanwhile, start getting rid of some stuff that you no longer use, believe me I did dozens of trips to the charity shops/tip, when I moved my M & D.
As for renting, you could do if you can afford it, or you could book a b & b for a week in each area, to get the feel of a place.
I would write myself a list of what each area has to offer- activities, walks, bus times/routes. Shops, SMarkets, post office, petrol, maybe train station nearby.
You could op for a small bungalow with low maintenance garden.
A lot of the schemes, flats/ one bed bungalows have extra monthly maintenance charges on top of CT as you already know, check what they offer, often not that much in my experience.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

Thanks again everyone. x

Some really very good advice here.
So many on people on gransnet are kind, thoughtful and give valuable advice.
This thread has posts by many of them.
Abnuyc123 do take your time deciding what you want to do.
Read through all these answers again.
Whatever you decide I wish you well.

Thanks for all the replies. I’ve decided not to do anything for a year. I’m taking a year to grieve and sort myself out.

When someone dies, it’s so stressful, especially when it’s completely unexpected. Then you are left with sorting everything out.

People die all the time, fact. Yet, you’d think when you contact the different organisations, that it’s the first time they’ve ever had to deal with a bereavement,

My award for the least helpful and most difficult organisations to deal with goes jointly to Severn Trent and the DVLA.

Abnuyc123

Thanks one and all for your input. I’ve read every single post and I am really grateful for your collective wisdom.

The points that stand out for me are to bide my time and get on with grieving, for now, and to probably avoid the likes of McCarthy Stone etc.

The retirement apartment appealed as I suddenly feel vulnerable on my own. My DH was a complete wiz at any sort of DIY. I worry about something going wrong and not knowing what to do.

I probably relied on him too much but he was so good at fixing things, he just did it.

Those ladies on their own, how do you find the sort of handy man who will fix things without ripping you off?

Finding the first person is the key Abnuyc123. Get a recommendation from a friend, a neighbour, someone who works in the little shop round the corner, for a plumber or an electrician whoever you need immediately you move in. Once you've found one you're happy with, get them to recommend who you need next - a painter/decorator etc, and say to them 'Mr Bloggs recommended you'. That word of mouth recommendation invariably means you get a good job at a decent price.

M0nica

Crossstitchfan I think you are confusing living in a retirement flat with living in a home.

A retirement flat/village development is occupied by older peeopl who are independent and live independent lives. Some find them very good to live in because they travel a lot and can go away for months and know their home is secure. Others move to one in their home town to continue to live and socialise in the ir usual way, but without worrying about the care and maintenance of a house.

I have friends living in retirement flats, none of them are remotely dependent on care, all drive, have cars and continue a busy social life outside their retirement development.

To be honst I do not really recognise your description of Care homes, although, I confess I found the 'singalong' sessions a bit grim, but never compulsory. Between 1975 and 2014, I was regulalry visiting different friends and relations in care. Four people in all in 6 different care homes.

Their experience there depended entirely on their personalities and capabilities. None chose to spend their days in the day room, and nobody made them, neither were they forced to take part in activities if they did not want to.

Personally retirement flats are not for me. DH and I, in our 80s are downsizing to another project house. DH is drawing up the planning application as I write, but I can see how they suit other people and I have friends living in them very happily. My only concern about them is the way they milk residents of money with high maintenance fees and taking a cut of the price when the flat is eventually sold.

Thanks Monica! I am getting really good at making a tw*t of myself recently!
I thought you would be younger than I am but it turns out we are a similar age. I find your posts knowledgeable and enjoyable.
Thanks for keeping a friendly eye on me!
Seriously though, don’t spread yourself too thin. You seem to be all things to all people here, but I gather you are not too well yourself. Please take care!

So sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I am looking in Shrewsbury/North Hereford areas, but I have never lived there only visited over the years. Don't rush. Talk to these wonderful people on GN. They have been very supportive of my looking for relocation. I am a good few years older than you, and I don't want to go into retirement villages. I see so many residents in this area who are not happy. The developer you mentioned. If I may take the liberty to advise... go and speak with residents. Have a good look around and note the attitude of the staff if you do go down that path. Be the secret shopper. Check out the restrictions - and there are many. I am thinking of posting on GN to see if anyone would house share each paying a share of the cost. Perhaps they could look out for each other. There are three such households where I live. They have everything set up legally. Do you have close relatives who you can talk to? I don't. My son and daughter have their own lives. (Another story). Which area do you live in? I am currently in North Yorks. Take a deep breath when that awful feeling of loss starts to take over. Go out and about.
Best regards

Abnuyc123

Thanks one and all for your input. I’ve read every single post and I am really grateful for your collective wisdom.

The points that stand out for me are to bide my time and get on with grieving, for now, and to probably avoid the likes of McCarthy Stone etc.

The retirement apartment appealed as I suddenly feel vulnerable on my own. My DH was a complete wiz at any sort of DIY. I worry about something going wrong and not knowing what to do.

I probably relied on him too much but he was so good at fixing things, he just did it.

Those ladies on their own, how do you find the sort of handy man who will fix things without ripping you off?

I think a lot of us probably want to know the answer to that question - ie how to find the sort of handyperson who will fix things without ripping us off.

I shall follow that thought with interest myself. Years back it was my father and boyfriends basically. Since moving to West Wales on retirement - first of all the electrician who came in to do a substantial amount of electrical work brought 2 different unskilled guys with him to help out and they both offered to come back at their rate per hour for odd jobs and I duly had one of them for a while and he went through the house replastering, then redecorating everywhere in the house and various "bits and bobs" (eg changing curtain rails, planting trees, etc).

I got recommended by a friend to someone who it turned out she didnt know that well - and she duly apologised for doing so when I said he'd turned out not to be as good as he thought he was and, when the penny dropped that he was a thief, I dropped him on the spot.

Basically - it's not easy. One possibility might be to ask a suitable local College to tell you about their short DIY courses for women - as, hopefully, they will do that and you could maybe attend one. Putting it as "When are these courses?" will give them a useful strong hint that they should be running one if they're not yet.

Maybe asking on your local Facebook page for a suitable person might produce a few contacts (though do be aware that people in some areas at least have a tendency to recommend their friends - rather than a tradesperson they don't know personally...but they turned out to be good).

It isn't easy for sure to find these sort of people and lots of us have to cobble together a solution to that as best we can.