“You don’t just lose someone once”

I still have my DH but boy this resonates with me regarding my parents and grandparents.

This resonated with me.

Thank you💐

Yes, GrannyGravy13, that’s so very true. I’m blessed to still have my DH too, but like you, my parents and grandparents have gone, and also a brother and a sister at too young an age (21 and 3),plus other relatives and friends, so I think these words will resonate with anyone who has lost someone special in their life.

Thank you for sharing them with us, RosieandherMaw, sending you a hug.

Maw, reading that just now came on the back of reading the lovely “If I be the first of us to die”, by Nicholas Evans this morning, so a double whammy. It’s quite a long poem but it ends:
“ So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you,
Be still.
Close your eyes.
Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you”.
K
Poetry often helps us toil up the steep slope of loss.

So sadly true; my sense of loss increases rather than decreases and I am bereft.

I had absolutely no idea what was waiting in the wings for me.

None whatsoever.

These are beautiful and so very true. I find it such a loss that we are not educated on grief and death. There tends to still be a great amount of leftover Victorian views on the subject. However, I find it refreshing and I know it will be incredibly helpful to those who are lucky enough to get to read these posts and have open and compassionate discussions.

We all know that "back in the day" we all mostly lived together. Generations stayed under the same roof. It wasn't until recently, in the grand scheme of time, that we moved away from each other and both birth and death became a more medical event and something that must not be spoken about or reviewed. We say "It's just part of life." I find this a great loss for us.

And grief, grief is never a linear experience, as one would somewhat expect. Instead, it looks more like a cyclone.

Having lost my father in December, even with all the experience I have, given my career/calling, it is so very different when it visits your doorstep. I refer to the great Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and the 5 stages of grief....

Sending ease and hope to those who are suffering. Always around if you need an ear or shoulder x

So real. Lost my DD then DH and every day they are with me still.

This is so true, grief is wrecking my life, one son died 2020, my lovely husband 2022 and another son in 2023. It is not getting any better and will it ever improve. My thoughts are with you all.

Sometimes when I am feeling the aching sadness of losing my father, I remember this little saying and picture. I've used it a lot in my time, and I feel a little connection with it. I hope it brings someone else a little comfort. xx

The 5 stages were never intended to be about grief or loss. They are a theory, an attempt to make sense of something.Her work was about people facing end of life. However, it has been hijacked.
We like certainty. We like to sit in the same place, drink the same coffee or tea.We like 6 weeks of CBT or the grief model or whatever.
Other societies deal better with feelings

Fartooold

This is so true, grief is wrecking my life, one son died 2020, my lovely husband 2022 and another son in 2023. It is not getting any better and will it ever improve. My thoughts are with you all.

Kind thought to all who struggle.

Really lovely poem RosieandherMaw it will resonate with anyone who has faced loss, so that’s a lot of us.Have never come across it before either.

RosieandherMaw
My dearest dad died four weeks ago. The waves of tears and pain in my chest have been indescribable. Like a child ‘I want my daddy back’. In the past few years I have been missing my mum and grandparents but could never find a poem or words to describe my feelings. Thank you so much for this posting today. ❤️

Thank you for posting. My grief is not stages. My grief is a spiral of hopelessness that I embrace as my own.

My DH died a year ago this week. I’m struggling but I do find comfort in all your posts, I don’t feel so alone.

Sending love and hugs.

lafergar

The 5 stages were never intended to be about grief or loss. They are a theory, an attempt to make sense of something.Her work was about people facing end of life. However, it has been hijacked.
We like certainty. We like to sit in the same place, drink the same coffee or tea.We like 6 weeks of CBT or the grief model or whatever.
Other societies deal better with feelings

That's all very true, lafergar. At the same time, I think it's not a terrible thing that humanity took what it did from it. We all react in different ways and we grieve in different ways. There is no "one size fits all", and there never will be, nor should we attempt such a feat. It would only fail. The goal is to find ways to connect. As humans, that is what we long to do. When we share our feelings, so bravely, we are really opening ourselves up, in many ways. It can be scary and sometimes it can be very rewarding to realise we are not alone. It doesn't mean that what each person shares cannot come from a place of compassion and a desire to support another on their journey.

I lost my dad in December. He lived in the US and I live here in the UK. My dad knew he had days left and in a very unexpected turn of events, ended up sitting in a hospital room in Oregon on Christmas day, with days left to live.

My younger sister lives in the state and rushed to be with my dad. I had written down everything I wanted to say to him, in the outside chance I got to talk to him. One night, I got a FaceTime call. My father had decided to call each of his girls, and his grandson. I know it took all he had, being a man of very few words. I will never forget those huge tears that came from his eyes and the way the light hit them. They were so pure and brave. And we talked, laughed and wept our hearts out to each other, for the 15 mins he could speak without getting too tired. His heart was tired. His lungs were too damaged from 20 years of treatment for Testicular cancer.

I was left deeply bereft and shocked. Even in my own experience and background with working with those who are in the dying process or have had close loved-ones pass. It's different when you experience yourself.

I'm really just reaching out from one person to another to share here. That's where I am coming from.

We will each find our own way down this road, and some of us will be vocal along the way and help others with their experiences, which I think has happened here.

When you open up with others, you are able to both share your experience and also gain support you may deeply need.

And isn't that a great thing?

Take care,

-Miss Redd

Sending hugs to you all x

For me it is the loss of those dying outside their time that haunts me. My sister died 34 years ago aged 45. Recently I saw something unexpectedly that reminded me of her and I was nearly reduced to tears, as the loss hit me again.

It is the same with a very dear friend and her husband, five years our junior, who both died quite suddenly, a year or two apart. I expected them to attend our funerals. Instead we attended theirs and still, at least once a day, her laughing face, she was always laughing, floats before my eyes and brings tears to them.

That's how I have felt since my husband took his last breath 21 years and 4 months ago. Half of me died with him and haven't been whole since . But because of him being a wiseman he knew what I needed to live without him . And that was a series of promises. I have kept them all but couldn't live the best life I can until I moved to my bungalow nearly 6 years ago . My grief for my husband I use to get through each day and the rage and anger of him dieing . It's my way to cope . Since moving here my life has never been so full as I have no one dependant on me . My husband was 47 when he died . But I don't grief for my parents my dad was 80 and wanted to die he hated what he had become ..My mom was 90 she had cancer and dementia but the dementia killed my mom 4 months before her body died. Took me a year to remember my mom without the violence . But it was out of fear mom didn't know who she was,where or who I was she thought I was her mom . But I couldn't put her in a home.

Some people think grief is a negative emotion but I think it's a positive emotion especially if it's for a spouse or partner. It means would found the other half of eachother and made a whole . The only person who knew the real you and you them . They loved us as much as we loved them . Some people live their whole lives and never have that . Grief means we loved and was loved .

Well that's my own view others may disagree. We all find our own why to cope.

Some very sad stories here. My heart goes out to you all. I am fortunate to still have my husband, despite him being very ill a couple of times. I realise that at 75 and 79 one of us will be left alone I'm the not too distant future.

I agree Monica the younger ones are particularly hard to bear. My brother died aged 24, my lovely nephew aged 16 - I was in the room when he died. My mother was 58.

I feel your pain. I too lost a son 2020, my only child, then 2022 lost my husband.

Life is cruel and do sad ..

Didn't expect to see this post today. My lovely son, only 50 died on saturday. Lost my husband in january. Both to the terrible C. Thank- u for the things u have said on here.