Other people’s reactions to bereavement

I’m truly sorry for your loss.

I think often other people are embarrassed as they don’t know what to say and then withdraw.

So sorry, you must be heartbroken.
Too many people just can’t cope with such sorrow. Their problem, not yours. It seems very strange that you have to be strong for them but it is often the case.
I had a very premature baby (2 months) and had to leave her in the hospital ICU. Some people avoided me because they saw me no longer pregnant and thought I’d had a late miscarriage.
They couldn’t cope.
Be sorry for them. You will get through this.

Oldbat1

My dh died 5weeks ago. We all react differently. At first I just didnt want to see or speak to anyone - it can be a very difficult path to tread for everyone.

Some people operate a Subconscious Timetable in respect of bereavement.

When Mum and Dad died within months of each other the Timetable went:

3 months - raw feelings but made it through the first stage.
6 months - still raw but starting to progress.
12 months - through the first year without having to be sectioned.
18 months - hey,ho! All done and dusted, back to normal.

That's how I perceived it judging by the way people (the ones who didn't rapidly distance themselves) constantly insisted on telling me "time heals - you're feeling a bit better, aren't you?"

I was never asked. Just told what I was supposed to be feeling.

My father died at 48, weeks after we got back from living in Seychelles. He had just hit his first shot at Turnberry. I was 25. All our friends and relatives were upset and rallied around. That is, apart from one couple of old friends. I wrote to them with news of where we were living in England and of course news about dad’s sudden death. When they replied they made no mention of dad. For a moment I thought my letter hadn’t arrived so I wrote another. Still no mention. We are still friends, but it was weird.

Condolences to all the bereaved on this thread.

Its costs so little to say, "I am so sorry to hear of..."
Our society really isnt good on this, is it.

what is good to hear are the unexpected finds, the ones one least expected, the stranger who didn't "walk on by" the other side of the road.

I’m so touched by all these messages, thank you, I have read every one of them. It’s clear that my experience is not particularly unusual and it’s been good to read everyone’s personal experiences and thoughts x

When my nephew was going through gruelling treatment for leukemia aged 14, from which he eventually died, we all rallied round, as you can imagine. All except my older sister who never once visited him in hospital as 'it would upset her'. I visited him every day in my lunch hour and saw things in that children's hospital that I'll never forget. Nothing compared to what that young man was going through. Did she think we weren't 'upset'?

Just another message to you, Wellybobs, to offer sympathy for the loss of your brother.

Yes when my husband died in January it was an eye opener how people who I knew well and even family members didn't offer me the support I needed which made my grief so much harder to bear, it was the people I least expected who supported me the most and have been there throughout this year which I am most grateful for as it's really tough.

I’m so sorry this has happened, for you and all those who were close to him. There are other situations in life when sometimes we’re not sure exactly what to say, but I always think if we say the truth, ie, I’m not sure what to say but….that is sometimes enough. It’s knowing someone cares enough to make contact that’s the important bit.

I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband of 40 years nearly 8 years ago and still feel the hurt at the way some reacted. I honestly believe that some people struggle to deal with death, be it their own family or not. Some don’t want to mention your brother in case it upsets you, others will be waiting for you to take the lead and talk about it so they know that you are willing to or needing to talk about the loss, others will just try and ignore it in the hope that it goes away and they don’t have to face their own mortality, some will even find it odd that you want to talk about it. It is a difficult subject to openly mention to others but sadly you’ll just have to test the waters and see how people react. Since losing my husband I have worked in Crematoria’s and as a Funeral Arranger and have seen virtually every reaction to death of loved ones, from sadness, despair and even anger. I hope that you will get some support to help you through this difficult time.

part of the problem is we don't openly discuss death. TV often states somebody has "passed" rather than they have died. I find it odd that people will openly discuss periods on TV which only affects less than 50% of the population yet death affects all of us at some time or another. Until we are able to discuss it and learn how to interact with the bereaved we will upset somebody in life.

Kate1949, I am so sorry to hear of the deaths of your two young relatives, far too early. Obviously, I didn’t know them and I don’t know you, but I just wanted you to know that I feel for you and the rest of your family who will be grieving too.
Sometimes, all one can think is ‘WHY?’ 💐

When my dad died one of my very good friends never got in touch with me in person, phone or via a FB message. I was so upset and yet people are chatted to on Twitter and FB that I had never met were so supportive and even sent cards and flowers.

Unless you have actually lost someone you don’t really know what bereavement is like, and you don’t really know what to say as a consequence. People often avoid because they don’t want to cause pain. When we lost our son a lady who’d experienced loss came up and gave me a big hug as “words weren’t adequate.” Not everyone wants a hug but I do try to talk to people when they’ve lost someone.

I remember a chap who’d lost his daughter and was distraught with grief. All his friends could say was he would get over it, time was a healer etc. They did not understand. I told him he would never get over it but would learn to live with it. He found this far more helpful.

I think many people fail to realise that miscarriage is a breavement.

Oldbat1

My dh died 5weeks ago. We all react differently. At first I just didnt want to see or speak to anyone - it can be a very difficult path to tread for everyone.

So sorry Oldbat1. Hoping your path gets easier to tread.
🙏🏾🌹

Thank you Crossstitchfan. I was visiting my nephew in hospital when he died. His mother collapsed and was treated by doctors in a bed opposite where my nephew lay. It was horrific. She died at 49 from a heart attack.

My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered

I am so sorry for your loss and sorry too that you have felt hurt by others' not responding in a way which would help you. My guess is that they are almost paralysed by actually longing to say or do whatever would help you most and show that they truly do care - and the fear that they will somehow make it worse and say the wrong thing. It is the very belief that there is a right way which is paralysing them and is in fact keeping them in a painful place where they feel wrong and sad and inadequate. And meanwhile you are grieving. It is hard when you are grieving to understand why on earth someone close to you might seem to retreat at the very time you want them to comfort you with a hug or sincere words showing their love and concern for you.
Do you feel you could say something like this to your husband: I can see that you feel unsure what to say to me, and you can see I am grieving. Can we just have a hug? it might help both of us.

So sorry to the OP, what a terribly difficult time you are going through, and I do find it a bit odd that people just avoid someone bereaved like yourself, is not difficult to get the message if a bereaved person really doesn’t want to speak to anyone but I generally ask how someone is feeling/managing after losing a loved one, it just takes a few minutes. People really need to get over their sensibilities and show that they care. It means a lot.

I am so so sorry for your loss , you must be feeling terribly sad at the moment and I'm sending you a virtual hug .
My mother died when I was 39 and a few weeks after my Father in law came over as he wanted my husbands help with his car . He just looked at me and said , it's all a thoroughly depressing business and walked out into the garden . He hadn't come to the funeral . I was completely shell-shocked to be honest .
I would never minimise other people's grief , it's absolutely the worst thing one will ever have to go through .
I don't know you but I will be thinking of you and send lots of love . Keep talking about your dear brother to everyone , the grief will ease a little but it will take time .

lizzypopbottle

I think many people fail to realise that miscarriage is a breavement.

Absolutely. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks - a bump was starting to emerge! A friend suggested it was just like a heavy period. No it wasn’t.

I'm afraid different people have different wants and needs following a bereavement, that's what makes it so hard for people to know what to say for fear of making things worse. I've always thought a card saying how sorry you are and an offer of help if required (only if you mean it of course) is the best way to go. If it is someone close than an offer of contact at any time if needed should always go down well too.