Other people’s reactions to bereavement

Some neighbours lost their son in tragic circumstances earlier this year. The husband rang to tell my husband, which was really brave of him. I saw them later that day, hugs for them and then asked if I should tell the neighbours, and they accepted. It saved them having to respond to queries like " how are you?"

Some people have no idea and why would they if it hasn't happened to them? My brother took his own life. On one occasion when he tried unsuccessfully and was taken to hospital, a porter at the hospital said 'Oh he's one of those is he?'. That poor, poor boy. I could cry for him now, nearly 50 years on.

One year after my husband died and people ask if I'm looking for someone else, as if he's replaceable. Some have said that they quite enjoy having time to themselves! I wonder how they will feel when they have their whole future alone.

Exactly!! People need to be careful what they wish for.
My husband died over 5 years ago. I have no problem with being on my own, but I would give anything to have him back.

Esmay

I wish that people wouldn't say that he or age had a good innings .
When my father passed one person told me that it's was great as I'd got my freedom back and a neighbour wrote me a condolence card expressing the same sentiment.
I'm not that kern on either person and it illustrates why.

That was so crass. It’s difficult to believe that someone would actually say that never mind write it in a card. How awful for you.

I'm sorry for your loss Wellybobs. When people don't know what to say I think honesty is best. "I'm sorry I don't know what to say to you, but I do care" for example. Nothing could be worse than the crossing the road or not even acknowledging the loss. When my mum died a friend I met in the street asked if there was anything she could do, my reply was 'give me a hug' and she did, worth more than any words.

So sorry Wellybobs. Really, I don't think there is any excuse for people not to offer their condolences along with kind words for someone who has lost a family member or friend.
After my husband's death I was shocked and very disappointed by a complete lack of acknowledgement from some friends. Friends that we had known for years too. Some had moved away but we had kept in touch. I wrote to tell them and some did not respond at all but sent Christmas cards 9 months later with news all about themselves with no mention of my bereavement so I dropped them. However, others were kind and one local friend who I had not known very long, surprised me. She regularly popped round for a chat and arranged little trips out here and there and her support restored my faith in human nature. Some of you may remember her? She was Nellymoser on Gransnet. Sadly she died earlier this year after a long illness.

Bumped

genie10 I had my chance with other men but not for me my husband was my one and only . He is still my husband and the love of my life.

Hope this will make you smile and won't be offended but this is a conversation I had with a taxi driver Thursday a week ago . He was handsome man in his late 20- early 30. I chat a lot . He mentioned going on dates but said he hadn't found anyone he loved. He asked me if I was married told him I was a widow he looked at me and said you are an attractive woman . Had to laugh but said thank you . He asked me how old I was went widowed said 45 he said but you should have got another man . But said no I was 16 my husband was 18 when we meet . Had 29 years together married 22. Subject continued . As he couldn't understand why I didn't want another man or re marry. Then he said not even for sex a one night stand. I said no as sex without love would be meaning less for me . And I don't need a man to satisfy my sexual needs . He said but you need a man . I said I am 67 don't need a man to pleasure me . Then said surely you can satisfy your own needs of course he went bright red.

I told my daughter she couldn't stop laughing . I am very up front about everything I experience and if anyone questions me or ask for my advice well they get it .

Just to put you in the picture I was born disabled . But I was upfront with my husband but he wanted me and throughout our life together when I got worse nothing every phased him . He saw me for me . He told me he loved me after 2 months took me a few weeks to say it back . Still remember he saying thank goodness for that I thought I was going to be dumped .

My husband always told me I was beautiful , .not but won't break a mirror . But I was beautiful to him told he told him why couldn't he have lovely hair I could run my fingers through. He had wiry hair but his beard was lovely and soft. Told him I am glad the children didn't have his beaky nose . He used to laugh and said yes but you love every bit of me . Still do and always will do .

Took me long enough to train him 🤣🤣🤣. Wouldn't have the patience to train a new man. 😂

When you find the one person in the world who is the other half of you and you are whole . The only person who knows the real you and them that is so precious and when they die half of you dies to . I haven't been whole since he died . But live everyday for him . He is the reason I fight to keep my body working and fill my life and live it to the full like he wanted for me. I have kept every promise I he made me . He wanted me to find someone else but told him no .

The best compliment I had was from my brother when he meet his third wife he said after 2 weeks together he know understood what we had as he had that now . I have always loved my brother very much and told him finally he found me someone else who I loved . I love my sister in law very much . And so glad they have what we did .

Don't get me wrong I do like talking to men but that's all. I like living on my own and my bungalow gave me back at home when my husband died our home became a house he was my home .

Unless you experience bone crushing grief for the other half of yourself the love of your life no one else understands how you feel. But because of sharing that love it gets you through everyday . My grief gets worse every year but I cope I can't let my husband down .
My username is what he shouted as he dropped his briefcases in the porch dead on 6.30 when he came home . Took me years to learn to cope . But because my husband never lived here I don't hear him but still see him especially if I have had a rant at him . This time of the year he stands by my Christmas 🎄 not everyday but when I need him . He's favourite time of the year .

As usual rambled on but hopefully gave someone a smile .

That was wonderful to read Whiff. So sorry you have to cope with such deep sadness but your writing and descriptions are brilliant and uplifting-even if it did bring tears to my eyes. I hope/am sure it will comfort others

As he couldn't understand why I didn't want another man or re marry. Then he said not even for sex a one night stand. I said no as sex without love would be meaning less for me . And I don't need a man to satisfy my sexual needs . He said but you need a man . I said I am 67 don't need a man to pleasure me . Then said surely you can satisfy your own needs of course he went bright red

I’m afraid I think too much was shared with that poor taxi driver- some things are just personal and not for general dissemination.
I would not dream of discussing my sex life with anybody let alone a total stranger. In his place I’d have run screaming for the hills.
Just so embarrassing

I agree Maw
Just TMI and I don’t regard myself as prudish.

Inappropriate discussion really.
Sorry Whiff

Good job we’re all different life would be pretty boring otherwise!

We all have our own ways of dealing with grief. Personally, I wouldn't have had that conversation with a taxi driver, or anyone really. However, I am guilty on occasion of sharing too much about my (several) family bereavements. Whiff obviously has her reasons for doing so. Maybe it is a comfort to her.

When I lost my grandchild I had a mixed bag of support and still do, I appreciate people struggle with other people's emotions and don't know what to say but the best thing is to say "im sorry I don't know what to say but... "that rather than fall silent. I always say even now after my own grief (lost parents too) I don't know what to say but I do say something.

Kate1949

We all have our own ways of dealing with grief. Personally, I wouldn't have had that conversation with a taxi driver, or anyone really. However, I am guilty on occasion of sharing too much about my (several) family bereavements. Whiff obviously has her reasons for doing so. Maybe it is a comfort to her.

I don’t think it was the sharing of her bereavement I would not have touched with a barge pole.
I am not unusual in that I have lost both parents, my only sister, my first-born (only boy) and my DH.
My sex-life however is nobody’s business but my own..

Having lost my husband only a couple of months ago, I have been both surprised and disgusted at how many have been telling me how I am GOING to feel as well as how I OUGHT to be feeling. A little kindness and sensitivity would go a long way for a grieving widow.

I was furious when an acquaintance asked if my newly widowed sister was 'grieving properly'.

The taxi driver started the conversation. I am who I am . Someone I see from GN said I am just like I write in real person . If you see my name don't read it . It's that simple .

I don't like what some GN posters write on various threads so I don't read what they write .

Because I am open about things I have to found people in real life talk to me about what is happening in their lives . Many think they are the only one feeling the way they do. I only write about things I have experience off. Wouldn't dream and commenting on something. I haven't been through.

Kamj I wouldn't dream of saying I understand your grief for your grandchild or how the parents are coping . As I haven't gone through that . But what I have found with grief you don't need words just a hug, or just sitting in silence with the person grieving or just listening to them talk . Whatever they need .

We are all unquie and our grief is unquie . Yes there are stages of grief and you go through them in your own way and time . It can take weeks ,months or even years to go through them . But grief like love doesn't die . But unless you love in the first place them you don't grieve . Grieve is the heavy price for loving the person who dies .

Unfortunately some lives are cut very short and you not only go through the usual grief stages but also what they would have achieved. They are robbed of a lifetime of experiences.

My husband had to die the cancer was to extensive and he was in agony . I had to tell him to stop fighting and he died few minutes later .

The whole idea of all the threads on GN is we can talk about how we feel and I know I can't say the things I can write about on GN to close family and friends . As they are going through things themselves.

As I said if you see my name don't read what I write and if you do don't criticise me as the things I write are what happen to me in real life .

I really had good experiences when my husband died, from the hug I had from his consultant to the surprising number of neighbours who turned out for the funeral. Even a friend we hadn't been in touch with for 20 years heard on the grapevine and travelled up from Cornwall. One of my oldest friends died shortly after my husband and my other friend's husband died not long after, so we two widows and one widower formed our own little support group.

Deedaa I am glad you have formed a support group. You can understand what bone crushing grief feels like. You can be yourselves and understood . Grief brought you together but it's friendship and needing eachother and yes love . As you can love friends and cherish that friendship and know they will be there for you no matter what you need and you for them. 🌹