Other people’s reactions to bereavement

I’m so sorry for your loss and unexpected bereavement can be such a shock and so upsetting. I’m afraid many people don’t react well saying they don’t know what to say. They don’t seem to realise anything at all is fine, it’s the thoughtfulness which is appreciated .

I remember when my son died people literally crossed the rod and blanked me so they didn’t have to speak. I’m glad some people have stepped up . It helps also I think , if you make it plain you don’t mind talking about your brother ( if that’s true) . Do take care of yourself and take one day at a time .

People do often struggle to know what to say, partly from fear of saying the wrong thing. As TwiceAsNice says, it helps if you show that you are willing to talk about your brother. It's possible, too, that some of the people who have disappointed you will turn out to be more helpful as time goes on.

I agree people don’t know what to say, Also what some people accept as being helpful and supportive others think are insensitive and hurtful.

There is no right response because we all react to grief differently. Since my husband died our sons have both been very supportive. One rings me almost every day but when I started to cry he said don’t upset yourself. He doesn’t know how handle the emotional side of things but is very supportive in everything practical. The other doesn’t keep in touch as much but is always there for a hug .

It is really difficult to cope with other people’s emotions and sorrow. Your husband has told you he doesn’t know what to say. That’s most peoples problem. Why don’t you ask him to just give you a hug.

When my father died at the age of 47 some friends crossed the road rather than speak to me.

I was so hurt in my grief. But looking back we were all only in our early 20’s and quite probably naive about how to connect.

I’m so sorry for your loss . I think people often don’t know what to say . My father died very suddenly from a massive heart attack 22 years ago and I think people were worried about saying the wrong thing . He was on a golfing trip when he died and I used say things like , he would have liked to go like that , to break the ice . If that makes sense . Sorry if that offends .

My dh died 5weeks ago. We all react differently. At first I just didnt want to see or speak to anyone - it can be a very difficult path to tread for everyone.

wellybobs that's awful to hear about your little brother. That's no age. Condolences.

Some people will avoid the bereaved, rather than talk about either the death or about the person. Keep talking about the person! The good memories. The positive things.

I have found that when I need to speak to a newly bereaved person, it is best to be honest. Definitely don’t ignore them. They need you. I always say something on the lines of,
‘I am so sorry that Fred (or whoever) has died, And I don’t really know what to say to you. He/she was a lovely person and will be missed. You might want some time on your own to come to terms with this, and I will respect that, but you know where I am, so please call if you want a chat, or anything’.
I find this is received well and is so much better than ignoring them. Obviously, you will tweak it to suit the person and the circumstances.
One thing though - at all costs make sure you don’t do the ‘head on one side and over-sympathetic quiet voice’ thing. I know from experience that nothing could be less helpful.

When my husband died at the age of 40 I expected people to cross the road to avoid talking to me - I had heard about this reaction - but in fact nobody did. Everybody spoke to me. I was obviously lucky.

Many years ago I had a Dutch friend whose younger brother was killed in a mountaineering accident. Once when I was with her we met some friends of hers who struggled to know what to say. There was a conversation in Dutch, which I couldn’t follow. She said afterwards “I had to help them”. I found that very touching.

Crossstitchfan - I so agree with your last paragraph. I have one friend who, even now so many years later, always speaks in a hushed voice if she mentions my husband. (She didn’t know me at the time.) It makes me cringe.

Yes, I know how you feel - and in similar circumstances. My sister died suddenly in her mid-40s. Some people did avoid me, but the some of the most unexpected people made a particular point of coming up and speaking to me and asking what happened and how I was. I remember a fellow section head, who I did not have much to do with, came over to me and talked to me for about half an hour, as did another work colleague I did not know well. My own manager completely ignored the issue. Friends generally were all very supportive.

Thank you all for your really thoughtful responses, I’ve read them all. You’re all right, people don’t know what to say and are afraid to get it wrong. I’m honestly not upset or offended by anything anyone says. Some may have been a bit clumsy in what they have said to me, but I just really appreciate that they felt awkward and came and said something anyway. I’ll definitely make clear that I’m ok to talk about him. Crossstichfan, I would have been happy with your suggested approach. Another thing I appreciated, a couple of people sent lovely thoughtful and personal emails instead of speaking to me, which is also fine. It’s been a learning curve, I do appreciate how awkward people feel, I will definitely think very hard about what to say to someone I know in future who has suffered a bereavement. It will never be nothing!

I should have offered my own condolences on your loss. Your story awoke so many memories.

Do you have any other siblings, or were there just the two of you. I think that makes so much difference.

My sister found this too when her DH died in an accident. We talked about some of the reactions of people we had thought were friends. I asked her what she would have liked people to say. Her reply was just, 'How are are you?' I've always remembered that and used it when it seemed appropriate. Would that be OK with you Wellybobs?

Monica, thank you, I also had some good approaches from unexpected people. I have a sister too, who I am close to and we’ve supported each other. She’s had very similar experiences to me in all this.
Aveline, yes that’s absolutely fine, just a quick acknowledgement. I do appreciate that everyone is different though

I've found that it's not necessarily a quick acknowledgement. It's opens up conversation and can lead to more meaningful talk - or not depending on how the bereaved person feels at the time.

An ex neighbour of mine lost a child in tragic circumstances years ago . I saw her coming towards me in town and was having a minor panic about what to do, I was terrified of upsetting her and it did even cross my mind to duck into Woolworths.
Thank goodness I came to my senses and walked up to her and asked how she was doing. We stood chatting for a while and she
thanked me for asking as how she was as people had been avoiding her.
I was too ashamed to admit that I nearly did the same.
Maybe people panic like i did or don’t know how to deal with emotions. We do all act differently when something like this happens as it’s emotional. I do hope you do have support as from past experience I know how painful it is to lose a sibling.

My son died suddenly a few months ago . Obviously I told close people immediately, but I find I am avoiding telling other people as I just feel they will not know what to say and things will just be awkward.
Would other people here tell people?

I think the other thing is that people do nto know what the bereaved want because individuals react to losses like this so differently.

I deal with catastrophic events by talking openly about them 'Telling the tale', but my other sister retreated into isolation and red wine. We were supportive of each other, but she did not want to talk, except between ourselves.

I always take heed of the bereaved person’s body language.

My go to action on seeing them for the first time is to open my arms and simply ask would you like a hug .

I have only had one who declined (just shook their head) my response was, I am so sad for you and your family

When my dad died, (it was expected) I was quite matter of fact I was told by a friend after a couple of months that they found that more awkward than if I had been visibly distressed.

When my mum died (which was also expected) I was absolutely bereft, and appreciated hugs not words. I didn’t answer my phone, but always messaged back saying I was happy to text/WhatsApp but couldn’t speak as the result was me in tears.

My mum lived a couple of minutes from me, and the first few weeks of going into local shops, or just walking down the High Road were an obstacle course of people wanting to talk about her. This was difficult but comforting knowing she was loved and liked by friends, shopkeepers and neighbours.

I think what I am trying to say is that there is no right or wrong way we are all individual in our emotions and withdrawing from a bereaved relative or friend is not unusual. It could be a self protection thing, too afraid to let go of their feelings.

When my Dad died the first day back at work after the funeral was a bit awkward. I received kind smiles but just went to my office to catch up with work. I was very surprised but pleased when one of the doctors, a notoriously tricky chap, came up specially to see me and to say how sorry he was to hear about Dad. I was very touched and appreciative. Maybe because it was so unexpected...

When my step son died, very suddenly, no warning, Cardiomyopathy, my husband was inundated with heartfelt letters, phone calls etc. bar one of his business partners, not someone he saw on a day to day basis, situated in another town over 60 miles away, Of course he was aware of the situation, o/h took a month of so off in the aftermath. The partner simply acted as if nothing had happened when he saw him again. My o/h said "I know some people don't know how to address such situations, but I found it most odd, not a word absolutely nothing" and it did colour his attitude towards him somewhat. When our next door neighbour found out, they were an Iranian family and the mother tended to be overwrought and emotional at the best of times, she literally broke down and my husband had to spend more time comforting her than she did him. Thereafter for a while, she kept sending us all sorts of stuff bouquets of flowers, tins of biscuits, home cooked Persian meals, the absolute polar opposite to the icy cold partner, and his "lets not even mention it" He was a fully formed adult, so not to just say "I'm so sorry for your loss" and leave it at that astounding

In the weeks, months, years of being bereaved I have found
( and I quote)
A friendly word
A kindly smile
A helpful act
And life’s worthwhile.

Some people find actions easier than words to express condolences. eg casseroles or batches of scones or a good fruit cake were handed in. One kind man just quietly got on in the garden cutting back an unruly hedge and neatly cutting the grass. People do care.

We have lost two young people in our family my brother 24, our nephew 16. The 'lets not mention it' people annoy me somewhat. If it's difficult for them to say a kind word, they need to think how difficult it is for the bereaved.