Other people’s reactions to bereavement

Avoidance is probably better than some of the inane comments I had, `I understand, my dog died` was one and another was `I know what you are going through, the grieving was bad when I was divorced`

Just a quiet word would have been fine, asking about me. People don`t have to say much but say the right things eg do you need any help? or just bring a bit of food. My neighbour brought me a small pudding and that meant the world to me

I can so relate to your situation. Firstly, I am truly sorry for your loss.

My lovely older brother died unexpectedly in February, he was 62. Having lost both my parents I thought I ‘understood’ grief, but my brother’s death absolutely knocked me sideways. We absolutely reeled from the shock and devastating loss. I feel so much for my poor sister-in-law; they were childhood sweethearts and I can’t begin to imagine her loss. We have all pulled together and whilst we have always been close, we have become closer.

My sister-in-law has had several people who have crossed the street to avoid her and even someone hinting 4 weeks in that she should be “getting over it by now “! I don’t know how she managed to not react. I think I would have reacted very badly indeed.

Some friends of ours have stopped talking to me and told me that they were quite offended that I had dropped off the face of the earth (my way of dealing with it). I have tried to explain to no avail. I can’t be doing with them at the moment to be honest.

People are just funny. They don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. It’s not as if anything much they could say (sympathetically) makes much difference, but saying nothing, even if what you did say was awkward is a million times worse.

The only thing that helped me a little was a comment from our late Queen. ‘Grief is the price we pay for love’. It was oddly comforting as I realised that it hurt this much because we loved this much. It’s a kind of testament to love.

Remember grief is not linear. And try to think in small blocks of time. Get through today, or the next half hour. Thinking in the long term can just feel so overwhelming.

Try to forgive loved ones handling things poorly and be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with crying!

Wishing you peace and comfort through your loss, it will get easier.

Wellybobs when my husband died aged 47 I was 45.. Found couples we had been friends with for years when I saw them out the wife would suddenly grab her husbands arm ,or on the very rare occasion one of the husbands help me with something in the house the wife came to .

Why did they suddenly think I wanted another man. Did they think I wanted their husband for what to have my wicked way with him 😂😂.

A few months after my husband died was in the nearest town when a woman I had known for years was coming the other way. We saw eachother. She stopped look of horror on her face and darted into the nearest shop. The 45 year old me just carried on shopping but if it had been the 50 year old me I would have gone after her and asked the xxxx was the matter.

People expect you to get over grief but it's been nearly 22 years since my husband died and as the years go by the grief gets worse . I am still married and always will be and woo betide anyone calls me Ms I soon point out I am Mrs.

When my husband died in 2004 it was all paperwork . But for martial status it had married ,single , divorced so I used to cross them out and write Widow in big letters . Mind you I did write window once . Good job I always read everything twice ..

We all go through the stages of grief for whoever our loved one who has died at different times and it's hard . You can think you are coping when wham the grief hits you . Please never fight your grief but let the tears flow . I was foolish but what did I know about the other half of myself dieing . The moment my husband took his last breath I was half a person still am . Together we made a whole . The only person who knew the real me and me him .

But we where lucky I was 16 he was 18 when started courting never thought it would last . As my darling man had a lot to take one . I was born disabled and in constant pain . When I got worse out children where 4&6 months. .But my darling husband just said we alter our way of life to suit you . I was 29. Spend years in a wheelchair as it was the easiest way to go out as a family. But my husband had wheelchair rage anyone cut in front of me he hit them. My knight in slightly tarnished armour.

Life isn't fair but we have to live each day to the full . It was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and from diagnosis we knew he wouldn't live 5 years . After the cancer was removed and skin graft. He never wanted anyone to know he was dieing . In his words treated like a death man walking . We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over us and when it dropped he had 6 tumors. He wanted to get to his 47th birthday he died 4 days later at home with me and our children.

The rage and anger I feel everyday over him dieing gets me through everyday. I was told sometime ago on another bereavement thread I was wicked to feel that way. How you feel is a personal thing and you use what ever emotion you need to cope with your grief.

I have talked to my husband everyday I have swore at him , blamed him for dieing ,rage at him , bone crushing grief has made me cry so my eyes hurt and have pain in my chest . But I see him with that stupid grin as if to say feel better now and I do..

Before I moved here 6 years ago I had no life . I had both parents and mother in law to look after . I existed on call 24/7 . Our house stopped being a home the moment he died . Mom was the last to die in 2017..

My husband was a wise man and knew what I needed to live without him and that was a series of promises. But couldn't keep the main on which was to live the best life you can until I moved here . Because of him I live my life to the full for us both.

What would your brother want you to do I bet he wants you to enjoy life. Think of all the silly things he did and you did together. They will make you smile and talk to him out loud I promise it will make you feel better . That goes for everyone who has a loved one died.

There are different griefs the worst a child dieing but I don't know that grief so can't say anything about it.
Next grief for your spouse or partner bone crushing grief can overwhelm at anytime . And if they are your one and only true love as much as it hurts we are lucky to know such love and completeness .
Next death of a parents
Dead of siblings
Close friends
And your pets as they are your family as much as any humans.

There are only two certainties in life we are born we die . The rest is up to us. Never put off something you want to do as no one knows how long we have . I don't live with what ifs or if onlies took me 14 years to realise that . The past is gone but we have our memories of our loved ones they go with us always . Love like grief never dies you just learnt to cope can take months or years . So take your time . 🌹

I think just a hug says it all.

I took Wellybobs for not giving you condolences. You must be devastated.

Wellybobs Im so sorry for your trouble.

In Ireland people always take the bereaved person's hand and say “I’m so sorry for your trouble”. This is received well and is a great comfort.

Wellybobs, I apologise, as I realise now I posted about my own recent loss but did not give my condolences for your loss.
Condolences to everyone here who has lost someone very close.

I can’t believe how many lovely people have replied, thank you, I’ve read every single message. Some very sad stories and I’m so sorry to everyone else who has suffered a loss.

Everyone will be shocked after a sudden death and will need to process it, just the same as you need to.
I'm sure your friends would love to help and comfort you but I expect they also feel a little lost to know how, so end up doing nothing - but they would probably also be horrified to know that their inaction is hurting you further.
Maybe you could approach them if you feel strong enough.
( 35 years ago, I was where you are so know how you feel)

I'm very sorry that you've lost your brother and suddenly at a young age.
The shock is very hard to accept.
And the stages of grief painful.

Some people are absolutely hopeless when it comes to sympathising .It fills them with a blind panic.

Other people overdo it.
One of my friends says that they always incline their heads, look especially upset and adopt a dulcet tone when speaking to you.

I was angry when a friend never acknowledged my news.
I'm also acutely disappointed with someone who I thought was a long-term close friend .She has devoted most her free time to her new best friend .It's all she talks about.
I would have appreciated it if people had invited me to the cinema -anywhere to distract me .

I can really talk to someone at my church who was brought up as a Catholic in a different culture .
Her husband died some years ago .
She nursed him for a long time and still grieves for him.
We were talking on the phone yesterday not actually about our grief,but of other things.
I find her understanding and reassuring.
I wish you the same.

Take care and God Bless,
Esmay.
X

I am so sorry for your loss Wellybobs and even sorrier you've been so upset by the reaction of others. As others have said these people probably just don't know how to react or what to say and I hope you don't let it get you down.
I remember several years ago a work colleague having time off work because her father had passed away and when she came back to work I just asked how she was doing and told her I had been very sorry to hear the news. She told me the worst thing was when people either avoided her or didn't mention it but then around 6 mths later when the same thing happened to me she never said a word to me - just shows how difficult it is for some people. Personally I think they should stop thinking about themselves and their embarrassment and think of the bereaved person instead.

Sadly I think many people find out who their friends are after a bereavement. When DH died following a fall two years ago I was surprised and deeply touched by who sent cards and flowers and came to the funeral - and hurt by the lack of response from many with whom I have more regular contact. I have lived in this house for many years and chat to my neighbours but of the 8 or 9 close neighbours, most of whom I have known a long time, only one couple gave me a card and flowers, came to the funeral by taxi even though neither of them is well, and cared for me.

cookiemonster66

when my young daughter died suddenly I was shocked how everyone avoided me just when I needed friends & family around me, I never felt more alone, I was attempting suicide and had no-one there for support. when I questioned some of them months/years later they all said the same thing "I didn't know what to say, I cannot imagine how bad it is to lose a child" I replied with well that is what you should have said then,I don't blame them, death is still a taboo subject and people handle it in different ways but it sure opened my eyes

So sorry cookiemonster, and how terrible that you were so alone at this time. My heart goes out to you. Fact is people staying away because they don’t know what to say is pretty lame and my take on this is that they are only considering their own feelings rather than the feeling of the bereaved person. If people just ask how someone bereaved is coping or say how sorry they are it is better than ignoring someone’s pain.

My neighbours husband committed suicide. We sent flowers and a letter of condolence but I bumped into her inM&S queue,next to her. I just talked about what I had bought but when I got home I phoned and explained I didn’t want to mention her husband in case it discomposed her too much in a very public place. I would still do the same in the same situation. Yes speak to them but respect their grief

I found after a few sympathetic initial responses after someone l loved very deeply died.

Then after about 3 months
A lot of people think it should be all done and dusted by them.

If you don't know what to say to somebody after a death. Just tell them that and they will be grateful and thank you for it

At least you noticed their pain and grief.

Very sorry for your loss.
Surely your husband also had feelings for his brother-in-law?

when my young daughter died suddenly I was shocked how everyone avoided me just when I needed friends & family around me, I never felt more alone, I was attempting suicide and had no-one there for support. when I questioned some of them months/years later they all said the same thing "I didn't know what to say, I cannot imagine how bad it is to lose a child" I replied with well that is what you should have said then,I don't blame them, death is still a taboo subject and people handle it in different ways but it sure opened my eyes

I’m so sorry for your loss wellybobs. I think that the people who swerve you or avoid talking about your brother are only thinking about themselves and their discomfort which doesn’t sit well with me. I know it can be hard to find the right words but to not acknowledge what you’re going through at all just seems cruel and thoughtless to me.

Kate1949

Thank you Crossstitchfan. I was visiting my nephew in hospital when he died. His mother collapsed and was treated by doctors in a bed opposite where my nephew lay. It was horrific. She died at 49 from a heart attack.

My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered

Sometimes I wonder how some people cope with what is thrown at them. Often, as in this case, as a double-whammy. I am full of admiration for Kate and others like her.
Yet some come on here to moan about really trivial things.
Oh well, each to his own, I suppose.

I'm afraid different people have different wants and needs following a bereavement, that's what makes it so hard for people to know what to say for fear of making things worse. I've always thought a card saying how sorry you are and an offer of help if required (only if you mean it of course) is the best way to go. If it is someone close than an offer of contact at any time if needed should always go down well too.

lizzypopbottle

I think many people fail to realise that miscarriage is a breavement.

Absolutely. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks - a bump was starting to emerge! A friend suggested it was just like a heavy period. No it wasn’t.

I am so so sorry for your loss , you must be feeling terribly sad at the moment and I'm sending you a virtual hug .
My mother died when I was 39 and a few weeks after my Father in law came over as he wanted my husbands help with his car . He just looked at me and said , it's all a thoroughly depressing business and walked out into the garden . He hadn't come to the funeral . I was completely shell-shocked to be honest .
I would never minimise other people's grief , it's absolutely the worst thing one will ever have to go through .
I don't know you but I will be thinking of you and send lots of love . Keep talking about your dear brother to everyone , the grief will ease a little but it will take time .

So sorry to the OP, what a terribly difficult time you are going through, and I do find it a bit odd that people just avoid someone bereaved like yourself, is not difficult to get the message if a bereaved person really doesn’t want to speak to anyone but I generally ask how someone is feeling/managing after losing a loved one, it just takes a few minutes. People really need to get over their sensibilities and show that they care. It means a lot.

I am so sorry for your loss and sorry too that you have felt hurt by others' not responding in a way which would help you. My guess is that they are almost paralysed by actually longing to say or do whatever would help you most and show that they truly do care - and the fear that they will somehow make it worse and say the wrong thing. It is the very belief that there is a right way which is paralysing them and is in fact keeping them in a painful place where they feel wrong and sad and inadequate. And meanwhile you are grieving. It is hard when you are grieving to understand why on earth someone close to you might seem to retreat at the very time you want them to comfort you with a hug or sincere words showing their love and concern for you.
Do you feel you could say something like this to your husband: I can see that you feel unsure what to say to me, and you can see I am grieving. Can we just have a hug? it might help both of us.