Other people’s reactions to bereavement

Thank you Crossstitchfan. I was visiting my nephew in hospital when he died. His mother collapsed and was treated by doctors in a bed opposite where my nephew lay. It was horrific. She died at 49 from a heart attack.

My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered

Oldbat1

My dh died 5weeks ago. We all react differently. At first I just didnt want to see or speak to anyone - it can be a very difficult path to tread for everyone.

So sorry Oldbat1. Hoping your path gets easier to tread.
🙏🏾🌹

I think many people fail to realise that miscarriage is a breavement.

Unless you have actually lost someone you don’t really know what bereavement is like, and you don’t really know what to say as a consequence. People often avoid because they don’t want to cause pain. When we lost our son a lady who’d experienced loss came up and gave me a big hug as “words weren’t adequate.” Not everyone wants a hug but I do try to talk to people when they’ve lost someone.

I remember a chap who’d lost his daughter and was distraught with grief. All his friends could say was he would get over it, time was a healer etc. They did not understand. I told him he would never get over it but would learn to live with it. He found this far more helpful.

When my dad died one of my very good friends never got in touch with me in person, phone or via a FB message. I was so upset and yet people are chatted to on Twitter and FB that I had never met were so supportive and even sent cards and flowers.

Kate1949, I am so sorry to hear of the deaths of your two young relatives, far too early. Obviously, I didn’t know them and I don’t know you, but I just wanted you to know that I feel for you and the rest of your family who will be grieving too.
Sometimes, all one can think is ‘WHY?’ 💐

part of the problem is we don't openly discuss death. TV often states somebody has "passed" rather than they have died. I find it odd that people will openly discuss periods on TV which only affects less than 50% of the population yet death affects all of us at some time or another. Until we are able to discuss it and learn how to interact with the bereaved we will upset somebody in life.

I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband of 40 years nearly 8 years ago and still feel the hurt at the way some reacted. I honestly believe that some people struggle to deal with death, be it their own family or not. Some don’t want to mention your brother in case it upsets you, others will be waiting for you to take the lead and talk about it so they know that you are willing to or needing to talk about the loss, others will just try and ignore it in the hope that it goes away and they don’t have to face their own mortality, some will even find it odd that you want to talk about it. It is a difficult subject to openly mention to others but sadly you’ll just have to test the waters and see how people react. Since losing my husband I have worked in Crematoria’s and as a Funeral Arranger and have seen virtually every reaction to death of loved ones, from sadness, despair and even anger. I hope that you will get some support to help you through this difficult time.

I’m so sorry this has happened, for you and all those who were close to him. There are other situations in life when sometimes we’re not sure exactly what to say, but I always think if we say the truth, ie, I’m not sure what to say but….that is sometimes enough. It’s knowing someone cares enough to make contact that’s the important bit.

Yes when my husband died in January it was an eye opener how people who I knew well and even family members didn't offer me the support I needed which made my grief so much harder to bear, it was the people I least expected who supported me the most and have been there throughout this year which I am most grateful for as it's really tough.

Just another message to you, Wellybobs, to offer sympathy for the loss of your brother.

When my nephew was going through gruelling treatment for leukemia aged 14, from which he eventually died, we all rallied round, as you can imagine. All except my older sister who never once visited him in hospital as 'it would upset her'. I visited him every day in my lunch hour and saw things in that children's hospital that I'll never forget. Nothing compared to what that young man was going through. Did she think we weren't 'upset'?

I’m so touched by all these messages, thank you, I have read every one of them. It’s clear that my experience is not particularly unusual and it’s been good to read everyone’s personal experiences and thoughts x

Its costs so little to say, "I am so sorry to hear of..."
Our society really isnt good on this, is it.

what is good to hear are the unexpected finds, the ones one least expected, the stranger who didn't "walk on by" the other side of the road.

Condolences to all the bereaved on this thread.

My father died at 48, weeks after we got back from living in Seychelles. He had just hit his first shot at Turnberry. I was 25. All our friends and relatives were upset and rallied around. That is, apart from one couple of old friends. I wrote to them with news of where we were living in England and of course news about dad’s sudden death. When they replied they made no mention of dad. For a moment I thought my letter hadn’t arrived so I wrote another. Still no mention. We are still friends, but it was weird.

Some people operate a Subconscious Timetable in respect of bereavement.

When Mum and Dad died within months of each other the Timetable went:

3 months - raw feelings but made it through the first stage.
6 months - still raw but starting to progress.
12 months - through the first year without having to be sectioned.
18 months - hey,ho! All done and dusted, back to normal.

That's how I perceived it judging by the way people (the ones who didn't rapidly distance themselves) constantly insisted on telling me "time heals - you're feeling a bit better, aren't you?"

I was never asked. Just told what I was supposed to be feeling.

Oldbat1

My dh died 5weeks ago. We all react differently. At first I just didnt want to see or speak to anyone - it can be a very difficult path to tread for everyone.

So sorry, you must be heartbroken.
Too many people just can’t cope with such sorrow. Their problem, not yours. It seems very strange that you have to be strong for them but it is often the case.
I had a very premature baby (2 months) and had to leave her in the hospital ICU. Some people avoided me because they saw me no longer pregnant and thought I’d had a late miscarriage.
They couldn’t cope.
Be sorry for them. You will get through this.

I’m truly sorry for your loss.

I think often other people are embarrassed as they don’t know what to say and then withdraw.

We have lost two young people in our family my brother 24, our nephew 16. The 'lets not mention it' people annoy me somewhat. If it's difficult for them to say a kind word, they need to think how difficult it is for the bereaved.

Some people find actions easier than words to express condolences. eg casseroles or batches of scones or a good fruit cake were handed in. One kind man just quietly got on in the garden cutting back an unruly hedge and neatly cutting the grass. People do care.

In the weeks, months, years of being bereaved I have found
( and I quote)
A friendly word
A kindly smile
A helpful act
And life’s worthwhile.

When my step son died, very suddenly, no warning, Cardiomyopathy, my husband was inundated with heartfelt letters, phone calls etc. bar one of his business partners, not someone he saw on a day to day basis, situated in another town over 60 miles away, Of course he was aware of the situation, o/h took a month of so off in the aftermath. The partner simply acted as if nothing had happened when he saw him again. My o/h said "I know some people don't know how to address such situations, but I found it most odd, not a word absolutely nothing" and it did colour his attitude towards him somewhat. When our next door neighbour found out, they were an Iranian family and the mother tended to be overwrought and emotional at the best of times, she literally broke down and my husband had to spend more time comforting her than she did him. Thereafter for a while, she kept sending us all sorts of stuff bouquets of flowers, tins of biscuits, home cooked Persian meals, the absolute polar opposite to the icy cold partner, and his "lets not even mention it" He was a fully formed adult, so not to just say "I'm so sorry for your loss" and leave it at that astounding

When my Dad died the first day back at work after the funeral was a bit awkward. I received kind smiles but just went to my office to catch up with work. I was very surprised but pleased when one of the doctors, a notoriously tricky chap, came up specially to see me and to say how sorry he was to hear about Dad. I was very touched and appreciative. Maybe because it was so unexpected...