Really struggling after loosing my DH

I just couldnt pass without sending you my deepest condolences 😢 and my thoughts are with you.
My best friend just 3months ago lost her soul mate/ husband of just short of 50yrs so I see first hand the pain and grief she is going through and it is heartbreaking 💔 Take care xx

Luckygirl13 I think your DH was lucky to have you. The decision you had to make was horrific! Due to my DH delirium the doctors had already taken over decision because of his mental capacity being diminished. But under the circumstances I would have taken the same decision as you regarding his care. You knew your husband better than anyone and you knew he wouldn’t want to continue life suffering. You also know he wouldn’t want you to continue through life suffering because of the decisions you had to make. Reading all the posts here has been so helpful to me. As you all say our experiences are all lived differently but unfortunately the outcome of a loss of a loved one is the same. I am taking on board much of the advice and suggestions but knowing people are out there taking the time to respond to my OP is heartening and gives me hope.

Luckygirl3 my Dad made the same decision you did, and kept Mum at home when she was seriously dehydrated and dying with Alzheimer's.
He was offered for her to go into hospital and be put on a drip but it would have distressed her and been physically unpleasant, and would only have given her an extra few days anyway.
She died at home, tucked up in her own bed. Who could ask for more?

You didn't make your husband die, any more than Dad made Mum die.
You both allowed them to go, it was their time. A selfless act of love.

This reading has helped me. My second husband is still here, but not very well. My first husband died when I was 28 it was very hard. It’s not a linear process and even now something will suddenly hit me, from all those years ago. Do what feels right for you. If you want to spend Christmas home alone, then please indulge yourself. Or go to family but if it’s too much, then just leave.

bobbydog24 - I too found myself widowed at the beginning of covid when all the usual sources of comfort from my family and friends were denied me. Such a hard time - and I was also in the middle of moving house as I had been selling to pay for care for my OH.

Thank you to those who have posted reassuring words about my decision to let my OH die.

The way I see it if anyone in this position makes the decision they hope would have been made on their behalf should the tables be turned, then they should take comfort in knowing they have made the right decision! We are a wise lot here on gransnet! So glad that people are taking comfort from this thread.

Sending hugs. Give yourself a break - too soon. One step at a time.

Whiff

sankev what people don't realise when the other half of you dies. It hurts emotionally but also physically. It's like walking through treacle one step forward and pulled 2 back . I say the first 10 years is early grief. For you 3 months is very short . You are not only having to cope with your grief but all the paperwork that comes with death. In an instant you go from being a couple to being single . All the decisions fall on you . Yes you can ask family and friends for advice but at the end of the day it's down to you .

I slept cuddling a toy snowman for 8 months my husband won at the GP surgery raffle then he won a big hamper at the cancer ward one . He said finally I get lucky but am dieing .

I know how hard it is to face having a wash ,brushing your teeth and hair you think why bother . But you have to force yourself to do it . My husband was a wiseman and made me keep a series of promises. But couldn't do the main one until I moved here 6.5 years ago and that's live the best life you can . Only took me 15 years to do that and live my life to the full now.

Just do what needs to be done . Turn a blind eye to housework . But make sure you eat and drink . You may lose weight I call it grief weight lost . I lost 3 stones but put it back on . Mom lost 3 st when dad died but didn't put it back on . But I was widowed at 45 mom 80.

I will have been widowed 22 years in February the length of time we where married . But together 29 years.

I still hate the empty side of the bed. In the early years I could tell if I had a bad night as I woke on his side of the bed. Getting and staying asleep was hard and it wasn't until I moved here I slept.

Some people will disappear from your life that's when you find out who your true friends and family are . Some people may be cruel and say things like are you better as if being a widow is an illness . Some women will get act as if you are after their husbands. All things that happened to me .

But we are the lucky ones we found the other half of overselves and they us . The only person who knew the real you and you them . I am lonely but not because I live alone but I am lonely for my husband. I like living on my own . But I had the children at home for 2 years after their dad died before they left . I wanted them to go they had to live their own lives .

The moment my husband took his last breath our home became just a house . It wasn't until I moved I got a home again .

I talk to my husband everyday but I have shouted ,swore at him and blamed him for dieing which I know sounds awful but it's what I need. I then see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better now and I do. If you want to scream ,shout hit a pillow do it .

I know the pain of crying so much your eyes sting and your chest hurts but we all do it . Everyone goes through the stages of grief at different times and when the rage and anger comes don't fight it . After all these years the rage and anger over my husband dieing keeps me going everyday.

And before anyone says let go . No we all use what we need to live with this bone crushing grief . My grief gets worse as the years go by but you learn to cope but it can take months or years .

sankev do what feels right to you talk to your husband out loud . You say writing down your thoughts helps you and that's good ..I wrote a poem about grief but it got lost in my move but I didn't need it anymore . If your husband wore something that smelt shower fresh , after shave etc perhaps a smelly will help you . My husband didn't wear anything that smelt but his pillows smelt of him for months and I had a coat in the wardrobe that smelt of him in plastic which I kept until I moved . But hadn't need to smell it fir years so was a surprise it was growing mould . Hopefully that has made you smile .

That's another thing if things made you smile or laugh don't fight it . You need it . When I can't do things like open a lid etc I think what would my husband do .

Grief is not for sissies. It's hard but without love we wouldn't grieve . I am so glad I was loved and loved in return and gladly pay the price for that love . My knight in slightly tarnished armour that not matter how ill I got or my disability got worse nothing ever phased him . My one and only true love . Christmas was his favourite time of the year so I made a pact with myself I could be sad and cry on Christmas eve but never Christmas day and I have stuck to it.

You have a lot of firsts to come but I found seconds etc are just as bad .

Do what feels right for you and if you want to be alone tell people . But know you are not alone . 🌹

This is such a beautiful post.

Sankey
Hi I lost my DH also in May this year, massive loss after 6 months if struggling with a brain tumour, I dealt with everything on autopilot and slowly started to feel more like myself and come to terms with being on my own.I then got a dog for company and 2 says later woke up and had had a mini stroke, It was such a shock, luckily I am recovered but shocked as I am too young I feel at 63 and just feel a little more tired.It was all the stress over the 12 months that caused it and I must say even with great support there are still bad days and better days but time does lessen the pain.I now remember all the good times and keep talking about the happy times but can now smile without getting upset. I have a birthday coming up which he always was very thoughtful with presents and of course Christmas. I will be glad when this year is over and can try to look forward to the future again.You will have bad days, especially this time of year and days where you feel you have done nothing but it will ease given time.Wishing you all the best and be kind to yourself, don't expect too much from yourself and take careb

Forestflame thank you for your kind words .

baggiebird sorry about your husband then your mini stroke. But you probably did what I did and most of us do. We are to busy looking after others we neglect ourselves. And don't realise until later how out own health has suffered.

Two weeks after mom died in 2017 felt ill. I am disabled but used to those feelings . It wasn't until I had to struggle to get out of bed I called the GP to visit . I couldn't see I was yellow all over. She called an ambulance and gave me a letter to be admitted straight to an acute ward. I had jaundice caused by 2 tablets I had been on since 1992. In hospital 5 days and seriously ill for 5 months . It wasn't until my gastrologist discharged me he told me people with my bilirubin levels normally died as they where over a 1,000 I asked how high he wouldn't tell me . They should have been now can't remember if it was 5 or 12.

My children lived over 100 miles away. My brother or nephew popped in after work if they could .

Up until then I had never been frightened living on my own and for once in my life I needed someone with me 24/7 and there was no one .
Jaundice does terrible things to your body inside and out. And still have to look after my skin .

But those months was my wake up call my life had to change. Had no one dependant on me anymore. So I could do what I want . Only 3 things move to my bungalow,lose weight ,lost 7st and get fit . I am fitter at 67 than I was at 50.

While having the mini stroke was awful for you perhaps it was your bodies way of telling you time to put yourself first and do the things you want to do.

I know your grief is very new and that pain is worse than anything your body can do. Well that's how I thought and think . Had several things happen since my move healthwise but I cope with them. The grief is always there. But I use mine to do what I want to do . The anger and rage I feel everyday makes me get on and live my life to the full like my husband wanted .

Look after yourself and if like me I don't want to be dependant on anyone. I will not let my daughter go through what I did . It's hard to put yourself first after years of looking after others but you must . I thought I was selfish putting my needs first when I moved here but my daughter told me I must .

Hope you are well on the mend and on medication to prevent further mini strokes.

Baggiebird I am so sorry for your loss. Your mini stroke is probably your body telling you to look after yourself as you would have your husband! It’s still early in the process of grieving for you and I hope the new year treats you kindly. Whiff you have been through so much and yet you have come through stronger and with such compassion your DH would have been proud. Wishing you a trouble free new year.I’m still going through the motions stage but definitely finding writing down all my thoughts - good and bad - is helping me. I’m finding myself crying much more the last few days as Christmas approaches. Mixed emotions, trying to do my best for my family especially the little ones. My DH would have wanted me to carry on. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will be full of family but Boxing Day I have decided to be on my own. It’s my compromise to myself because I’m still wanting to lock my door and turn off my phone. Last night I played the music I had picked for his funeral and cried all the way through but it is strangely cathartic. I knew I needed to do it and so decided yesterday was the day. Music is probably my biggest trigger! There will be tears all around I’ve no doubt but I will get through it. Whatever the situation you find yourself in my very best wishes and virtual hugs to all those out there taking the time to read and contribute to this post.🙏🙏🙏

I couldn't pass by without sending you my warmest wishes, Sankev.
I fervently hope that the pain will ease with time and you learn to live alongside the grief and find some peace in your life.
Wonderfully helpful suggestions above, I'm hoping that all these thoughts from lovely GN ladies will help you to cope.

Sankev, I am very sorry for your loss. My son also died three months ago and Christmas will be difficult.

Elusivebutterfly I’m so very sorry for you. We lost our son many years ago when he was just 2 years old and the only comfort I have now is I have been able to fulfill my promise to my DH and reunite him as he is interned in our son’s grave. The absolute emptiness I felt after our son died was gut wrenching so I really do feel for you. I sincerely hope you have people around you to share your grief . The only words of comfort I can give you is you will get through it. I found that to begin with I was play acting whenever asked if I was okay. Slowly I was acting less and eventually I was okay. Never whole again but I was okay. I hold on to this now as I go through the whole process of grieving again. Virtual hugs and my very best wishes as my heart goes out to you.

Elusive butterfly ... I am so sorry. Sending a hand hold.

My DH died 7 weeks ago.

I am sorry to hear that Oldbat1

Sankev I haven’t been through the same loss as you but I couldn’t just read and not comment. I’m so sorry for your loss but there is some good advice from others here and I hope it helps. Sending love and prayers xx

Oldbat I’m so sorry for your loss. GN is a good place to come for understanding and support. Many of us have been through what you’re going through. It’s a struggle but we can help each other by talking about it,

Oldbatl I am so sorry for you. It’s been 10 weeks for me now and though the pain is very raw, I have begun to accept it. I have a very long road ahead but I have accepted it is real Read the previous posts on this thread if you haven’t already, because there are some wise words on here. I hope you have support because though I often want to shut everyone out and block everything out I know that is not helpful. I still cry every single day. I think I will for a very long time. Do whatever you need to do for you and please reach out to gransnetters if you need support. I find writing down my thoughts and feelings helps me. It gets the frustration out and is like a pressure valve that lets me release my thoughts, good and bad but find whatever works for you. And remember you are not going through this alone.

Oldbat1 I am sorry and know you are going through hell at the moment . Nothing seems real. Plus all the paper work to do when all you want to do is curl up in a ball cry and shut the world out.

But you are not alone . People here understand how you are feeling. So just write what you want when you are able . As I know from my own experience I can write things I can't talk to others about in person even after all my years of widowhood .

🌹🌹🌹

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m not in the same boat but I’m sending love and hugs. Be kind to yourself and eat and drink to nourish yourself.

I know it’s not the same but I lost my best friend on Tuesday and I can’t cry. I’m sure tears will come.

Hugs xxx

Purplepixie grief is grief no matter who you are grieving over child, spouse,partner ,any family member, friend. And yes even pets as they are your family to.

The tears will come but don't fight them . Your best friend has died it's hard especially as I imagine you have known eachother long time . Your grief is no less than others . Grief is the price we pay for love . 🌹

Purplepixie. I didnt cry for a long time after my best friend died as she was suffering and so very ill.

But 5 years on I shed a few tears when doing things or going places we did together or I know she would have enjoyed.
All tbose memories of good times. How lucky to have had them.

And I still have a little talk to her sometimes.

Thanks everyone.