Really struggling after loosing my DH

Whiff, you have helped me in my widowhood too. Thank you.
Sankev, I join everyone else in sending sympathy.
You will cope, you have no choice, and everyone (other than us widows) will say how well you're doing. But they won't know how near to the surface are the tears.

Romola and sankev glad my ramble has helped you . I am here for you both and anyone else if I can help.

A GN friend who I meet told another friend what Whiff writes is just like she is in real life .

In other words I never know when to shut up . And thoughts just pop into my head so I write it down . My brother tells me I have verbal diarrhoea. That's on the days my speech isn't stuttery ,slurry or can't get the words out 🤣.

Just get through a day at a time then you will see a week's gone, then a month then a year. But the pain of grief is ever present but you cope little by little . But like I said grief is the price we pay for love the love for the other half of yourself. I still am not whole . But I except that . But my husband lives on in our children's and grandsons DNA. And that makes me happy .

Take care of yourselves. 🌹🌹

May I suggest just one more thing. Dont totally avoid the places you walked together or cafe you used to visit, but also try to just walk a different way occasionally. If you drive, or travel by bus , go to a different village or town, that wasnt somewhere you shared, and just try a little walk in somewhere new, or try a different cafe. It is not to cancel the places you shared but just making a beginning on looking at somewhere new. No timetable for any of this but just as you feel up to trying something . I think you have done well to join us on GN and there will always be someone around to chat to, so know that you have people you can chat to, whenever you need to. Wishing you the best of time that you can manage

Don't even try to move forward, just wait until the time is right and all will fall into place.

I too lost my husband 2 months ago. Mornings are the worst for me. I cant go to church because I fear breaking down. I too just want to be alone and sleep. People "helping" aren't helping but its hard to tell them that the only way I can be helped is if none of this happened. My husband passed away without prior symptoms in just 4 days after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Has anyone felt like their doctors dont give us the attention we need because we are considered "old"? I pray sankev that you'll find peace somewhere this new year. Hugs.

I am so very sorry for your loss but please believe me when I say (as others already have) it does get easier, it does become less raw but it takes time and everything is so very recent for you. I felt like you at the time and just didn't want to do anything or see anybody just be alone with my thoughts. I rejected everything and everybody I just didn't see any point in anything.
If I might be allowed to offer just one piece of advice I would suggest you try to do the exact opposite of this and try to be with people, to do things and although it will undoubtedly be incredibly difficult do try to carry on as normally as you can. I say this with hindsight almost 4 yrs after losing my dear husband. One thing I have found really helpful is writing to my DH, I pour out all my thoughts without any filters in a notebook, feelings I couldn't express to anyone else and I always feel so much better afterwards. It may not be for everyone but I have found it very cathartic.
It's a long, difficult process but so many on here have been or are going through, the same thing and have an understanding of what you're going through. Do try to eat and look after yourself, one foot in front of the other and one day at a time.
Take care.

Dear, we are many who know how you feel- but as we are all different, we mourn differently too. However, you can be sure of one thing, all the widows reading this know the hideous raw loss of the first weeks and months, and most wives and husbands for that matter, can imagine it, and shivers run down all our backs.

I had difficulty sleeping too at first, and could not be bothered cooking, although I usually love doing so.

So, when I woke at 3 in the morning and could not get back to sleep and knew that if I gave in to the tears that were threatening, I would cry myself silly and still not be able to sleep, I got up, put on some clothes, as this was November of 2023, and did one or other of the tasks I had not been able to face all day. If I felt tired when it was finished, I went back to bed, telling myself that just lying down is after all restful - one does not need to sleep.

Sometimes by half past three, I was HUNGRY (a sensation that had almost disappeared when my husband died) so I made whatever I felt like eating, if I had it in the house. If I didn't have what I really, really wanted, I ate something else, and as soon as the shops opened went and bought what I could have eating at some ungodly hour of the morning.

And nothing that you want to eat at this time of your life is unhealthy or fattening , because you probably haven't eaten well for months.

This may not work for you, but if you can solve one little difficulty and either sleep or eat more easily, you will probably find other things just a little bit easier to deal with.

And off load as much as you want or need on all of us.

There is no handbook for loss, but I think there is a weight of expectation we put on ourselves. Firsts are difficult of course. On the first of DH’s birthdays after he died, I decided to go on a little pilgrimage. I drove out into the Peak District and had lunch at his favourite pub. Every mouthful was an ordeal, and I gave up in the end and walked to the spot where we had often stood to look at the fabulous view. I expected it to be cathartic, to overwhelm me, but I felt - nothing. I had expected something of him to be there, and it wasn’t. So I came home, dry eyed, and scolded myself for being stupid and vowed no more pilgrimages (I go back to the same spot now with a quieter heart and can smile). A little while after, I had been out for a walk and had spotted a bird that I got quite excited about, it being a rarity in these parts. I came home walked into the house, realised that there was no-one there to share my excitement and sobbed my heart out. I never expected that - up to then, coming home an empty house had not bothered me. It’s little things like that that knock the stuffing out of you. Now, if I see something he would have liked to have seen, I come home and tell him all about it.
Early days, Sankev. Take the highs (because there will be some) with the lows and learn to roll with the punches. It’s all we can do.

I know exactly how you feel, my husband died 11 months ago and there were days I didn't think I'd ever get through the raw grief and all the emotions that go with it,in my case the first 9 months were definitely the worse,everything does get easier and am now beginning to learn to live with it. After a few months I joined a bereavement group which has helped me so much and made me realise I wasn't going mad as that was how I felt. I've also joined a lunch club and Oddfellows so am beginning to find a new normal life for me which I've found so hard. Unfortunately my brother in law died 2 months after my husband so me and my sister have been supporting each other,sadly my husband's brother died suddenly 2 months ago so have lost 3 close family members within 11 months which has been hard but have got through it all as we have to. In the new year I'm contemplating moving house which will be a wrench but something I feel needs to be done for me. Everyone's grief journey is different but given time you will begin to feel better,it's the worst thing I've ever had to go through and dreading Christmas and also January as that will be the 1st anniversary, his birthday and also our wedding anniversary but I now know I will get through it as I'm sure in time you will too.

I am so overwhelmed by all your very kind and thoughtful messages. 2understand, I am so very sorry for your loss and the circumstances you have had to go through. My DH had been ill for a while but suddenly became extremely confused. After being admitted to hospital he was diagnosed with delirium and psychosis and then two different strains of pneumonia. Our hospital was excellent and the doctors updated me daily. The next 3 months he spent more time in hospital than out. He had become paranoid, even walking around with money up his jumper because he thought people were pinching it. The consultant went through the Respect form explaining there reasons and listened to our thoughts. I still thought they were jumping the gun and honestly believed he still had several years left to live! After many weeks in hospital we were able to bring him home. The next week I had the old husband back. He was far less confused and spent a lot of time telling everyone he loved them. He told our children how proud he was of them and made them promise to look after me when something happened to him. It was a magical week for us all but I still thought he would be around much longer. The following week he deteriorated rapidly. He had already said he did not want to go back into hospital and doctors had already said they had no further treatment to offer him anyway. With the help of our wonderful district nurse who arranged for carers to come in 4 times a day we were able to keep him home. Our four grown up children spent every second they could. I sent them all home to sleep because everyone was exhausted. That was the night he left us. I firmly believe that this is what he wanted. He didn’t want them to see him suffering and just wanted the two of us to be together and we were. I was lying next to him. I phoned our children and they all came back to say goodbye. As everyone says we all have different experiences. Yours must have been absolutely shocking 2understand. I feel so sorry you had to go through that. I’m finding writing down my thoughts as others have suggested is helping. I have noticed that my DGC suddenly want to come for dinner more often and desperately want me to cook their favourite meals! Something I think my children are plotting in order to encourage me to eat! I also feel like being left alone but I’m a mother and a grandmother and doing what we moms always do and realise that my family are hurting too and need me as much as I need them. I do feel like I’m play acting and my feelings don’t seem real! The pain is indescribable. There is a very long way to go before I feel differently but I know I will eventually and in my own time. The only advice I can give 2understand is to keep in touch with gransnetters! They are kind, compassionate and very sensible and I personally want to thank them all.

I am so sorry for your loss. It takes time to heal, you will never get over losing your husband, but you learn to live with the pain. The first year is the most difficult one to get through. So many memories. I think we all go on autopilot ( I lost my first husband in 2017, such a shock as I had only left the house for a very short time (40 mins) and when I came back home, he had died from a massive heart attack. I met my new partner 4 years ago and sadly, he passed away with cancer in January this year I just cannot muster up any enthusiasm for Christmas this year, it all comes rushing back to me the trauma of the loss of them both.
I hope you find some peace this Christmas Sankev and you slowly manage to ome to terms with the loss of your dear husband.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss and for others here who’ve experienced this awful loss and grief.

I watched one of my close friends when her husband died just in his mid 60’s and it was horrific, I didn’t know what to say or do so I just sent her very short messages of support a few times a week to let her know I was here if she needed me, making it very clear I didn’t expect replies.

Be kind to yourself and try and do just what you want, never mind about others at this time, eat well, sleep well, have a tipple and cry if you need too.

Time helps the healing process and so can grief counselling, or taking yourself off for a break somewhere new.

I do wish you the very best

granto3

I am so sorry for your loss. It takes time to heal, you will never get over losing your husband, but you learn to live with the pain. The first year is the most difficult one to get through. So many memories. I think we all go on autopilot ( I lost my first husband in 2017, such a shock as I had only left the house for a very short time (40 mins) and when I came back home, he had died from a massive heart attack. I met my new partner 4 years ago and sadly, he passed away with cancer in January this year I just cannot muster up any enthusiasm for Christmas this year, it all comes rushing back to me the trauma of the loss of them both.
I hope you find some peace this Christmas Sankev and you slowly manage to ome to terms with the loss of your dear husband.

How awful for you and how brave to share

I know just how you feel. I lost my DD the my DH with 3 years. If I can say my DDs husand would not have anything to do with Christmas for two years, he wanted to ignore it all and spend the holiday alone. This was respected by my family. People cooe in different ways He is now , 6 years after DDs death n a relationship and happy. An example of how people cope and then resurface into life. Initially when DH died I realised that I was living in a whirlwind. Felt I had to be able to do everything yet felt terrified. Then 1st Christmas artived and reality set, I was not coping, avoiding almost everything. Think the occasion highlighted just how much I had lost even with support from DSs who do not live locally. I was told in no uncertain terms I had to accept an invite and go visit one of them, no excuse accepted. I did, had flights organised for me, managed the trip and actually found I enjoyed the holiday. On return I realised I had initially tried to carry on as if nothing had happened, then burn out with just not coping. I surprised myself by going along to a walking group and a craft group and found I began to look forward to them. Occasionally, there were invites from members to go to their home eg a birthday cuppa and this encouraged me to start taking on household chores anticipating I could also have a few for a cuppa. Life will never be what it was, it will be different and that is what takes time to acknowledge and accept. As I mentioned on another post I have this year put out decorations but not the tree as my husband hand crafted so many of the tree decorations that I just couldn't put them out. Next year will be different I'm sure. I have gone on a fair bit but do hope it helps you to appreciate that there is no format for dealing with losing a loved one, the road is different for all but it will open up before you realise.

On a practical level, I listen to audiobooks and podcasts on my phone. It fills the silence with a human voice.

Its a tough road I know... you will find your own ways of getting through I know, but it is a new and very different life that needs steady adjustment as time goes by. There is no quick solution ... you grieve your husband along with what might have been, whilst also facing a lot of adjustments ... taking on dual roles, adapting to a single life ... it is a huge amount to deal with all at once.

One thing that comforted me ... unexpectedly ... was being aware that it is a common occurrence..... that there are so many other people in the same boat. I have no idea why that helped me. It makes no sense .... but little does about this new life we are now living.
Family are precious, but it is a differen lt sort of love of course.
I am sending you a handhold going forward.

So early on the journey for you. I’ve been widowed for 5 years. Year 1 - I was in shock. Year 2 - I accepted the fact that he was gone. Year 3 - I started to build a new life. It’s a long road ahead for you, just accept that, and don’t rush anything. Of course you won’t enjoy this Christmas, it will be a struggle to get through it. Don’t be afraid to tell people, “Thanks, but I’d rather be on my own right now…”

Number One tip - be good to yourself. Buy flowers, the best food you can afford, and plan something lovely to do in the Spring. Keep looking forward - yes, you can look back fondly on happy times you shared, but don’t allow yourself to wallow - try to plan ahead for a good life. I’m content now - I know I won’t find deep happiness again, but that’s OK, my world is different now.

Whiff thank you for saying what you did. I howled reading but was also strangely comforted.

Goldieoldie I write on other bereavement threads and have been criticised for what I have written . Told I am inappropriate but I write as I talk . I talk about things that have happened since my husband died and conversation I have with people I meet in my life .

Well remember the I can only call it hate I had when someone who wrote on a thread about how beautiful it was watching their friend die . I have watched 4 people die and everything it was horrific . I watched my husband die each day for 3 years and being terminal speeded the process up. Watching a strong ,brave ,proud man having me to lift him onto the commode and cleaning him it up. Boy did that get some backlash . I talked about everyone I watched die going skeletical as they die which is true . I was called wicked ,evil ,liar and lacking compassion. Plus the hateful PMs I received .

Like I say if you see my name don't read what I write if you don't like what I talk about .

But I did get people supporting what I said as they experienced the same thing.

I only talk about what I have experienced in my life when I look back that's a lot . But I what say is true it happened to me . And things are still happening . If one thing I say because I am honest helps one person then it is worth all the hatred . But it will not stop me writing .

On an other forum I got suspended for a week because I defended myself against a poster who has been since banned .

We all have many life experiences GN gives us that chance to talk about it with others going through the same thing .

Someone mentioned doing familiar things after their loved one died . I can't do that . I will never go or do things I did with my husband because those memories are precious and ours . He wanted me to do and make new memories and that's what I have done since I moved here 6.5 years ago . My love for him and grief has never lessoned but because of him I do all the things I do . And because of him adapting our house I knew what adaptions I needed to have done in my bungalow to live an independent and full life . But I live my life for him as well as me .

The times I have been attacked and reported posters GNHQ asked if I wanted to change my name but no . It's what my husband called me when he came home every evening after work and first think he shouted if he worked away .

If you see Whiff and don't like what I write don't read it but know I will fight back if attacked . That is what my husband though his love taught me . Or in the words of my husband and dad don't let the buggers grind you down .

And those who say this is not an appropriate topic for bereavement. When you got through what you will you will understand you have to fight back as things will happen in your life and you have to stand up for yourself . But the love your loved one gave you and you them will give you the strength you need .

Sankev what you wrote in your OP resonates so well with me. It is 18 months since I lost my husband of 54 years. Within the next 3 months I had his birthday our 54th wedding anniversary and my 75th birthday to cope with and then Christmas. Christmas nearly wiped me out. All the things DH loved in the shops, people happy and laughing when I felt lost and alone. Then there was the constant music in shops. So many times I walked out without my shopping because I couldn’t cope. My local supermarket got used to seeing me wandering round with tears pouring down my face.
I was told all the things that many others kindly offered as advice here. I didn’t believe time would help for me, I couldn’t accept that I could live with this unbelievable pain.

All I can offer is this.
Try and find some others who have lost their husbands to make friends with. There are many lonely people out there and only those who’ve suffered such loss can understand and help

Find some interest. Quilting is good. Try looking for classes. I joined an art class and have made a group of wonderful friends

Try a sleep app or radio at night turned down quietly just to have some noise in the background.

Go out every day even if for a short walk. Accept every invitation you can cope with even if you don’t feel like it.

I can remember walking round town thinking to myself. Is this what my life is now. Nothing. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy or contented about just this searing pain.
Fortunately like you I have a wonderful family but the loss is overwhelming.

18 months on I’m still here. I think about DH all the time which means there is a sadness hovering over me. I have days out with friends, I laugh, enjoy food, look forward to things. I have made so many new and caring friends who have helped a lot.
It is true, in time it does get easier but for me the sadness is a permanent fixture that I accept will be there now. I cried every day for over a year and still do most days but not the heart wrenching sobbing of the early months.

Not sure if I’m allowed to mention it but Sue Ryder have an online forum for bereavement and I’ve had a lot of support from that. Like others have said GN also too very supportive.

💕

Sorry forgot to mention counselling can be a help. I went with Cruse. Also it might be worth looking up Continuing bonds on the internet. I found that very helpful. The counsellor suggested it to me.

Sankev, I was so moved after reading your post from yesterday, 16.40, I was in tears. Sending positive thoughts and hugs. Great advice from Whiff and others who have been in this situation.

❤️ for you all 🫂

I have been through it, I was completely alone for a year, I lost weight, I was angry, sad, scared, alone, miserable etc then all of a sudden the cloud lifted, I came back to life, I was no longer angry, I started to go out again, speak to people, buy the things I like, it's a long slow process but you will come through it, take care of yourself, you will get there, 2 years later I am now happy again, I still want him back and lifes not the same, it's a different life but a happy one, take care xxx

We all have our different experiences, and hardest of all for me was the fact that I took the decision for my OH not to be whipped off to hospital and filled with antibiotics - he was already disoriented and terrified every minute of every day - I could not condemn him to worse in a strange hospital setting with no hope of recovery from the basic underlying condition. He slipped peacefully away over the next week or so.

But I have to live with that decision as a fundamental aspect of my grief. I do not think I will ever fully come to terms with this, even though I have no shadow of a doubt that the decision nwas the right one. How can I grieve something that I made happen?

I lost my husband of 51 years, 6 years ago, just before Covid so before long I had to isolate alone until lockdown allowed you to bubble with family. I had our anniversary, his birthday and Christmas all within months. I thought I would never be normal again but slowly I did. My family were remarkable, especially my DD and DGD who constantly reminded me of the funny things he said and did. I found comfort in talking about him but I know that some avoid this. Do what is comfortable to you. I still have my emotional days but life goes on and I’m watching my DGC growing into wonderful people he would have been proud of. It does get better.