Really struggling after loosing my DH

My DH passed 9 September. Today I lit a candle. Put up his last Xmas card. Opened presents from my family as I am travelling over Xmas. Made Expresso martini and remembered the wonderful years we had together. You need to prioritise your sleep , food and exercise. I joined ramblers .

lionpops like lot on this thread your grief is recent . I couldn't put my husband's last Christmas card up to me as he didn't choose it . He was to ill to go and get it . Our daughter did. And the one from Christmas 2022 had gone in the recycling.

You are right sleep and eating is important. I have said many times before you don't want to do things but you have to force yourself. But grief is the price we pay for love .

You have lost half of yourself hope lighting the candle gave you some comfort . Enjoy Christmas as best as you can but if you need alone time do it others will understand. Plus Christmas is just one day . While it can be a distraction especially if with young children. But I know how much I feel the loss of my husband. But I made myself a promise I am allowed to cry on Christmas eve if I need to but never Christmas day .
Do whatever gives you comfort. 🌹

Writing worked for me too sankev my son brought me a beautiful notebook and a fountain pen. I was able to stop writing one day, when my internal healing began

Another thing was very good for me, too early for you Sankev but one day I realised that I needed to let my husband go, to break the silken thread. I released rose petals that day and told him he could go. That was very cathartic, I knew that his soul could then be free and from then on I got on with my life, as he would have wished for me

I will never marry again and took off my wedding ring as death did us part. I am happy now, I don`t look back with any regret. We are given a return ticket when we are born and it was his time and I am proud that I was able to let him go. The ultimate love

Once again wise and honest thoughts. I know from experience that grief, though all consuming, will eventually ease to acceptance. As you say it’s too early in the process yet for some of us. Karmalady the rose petals sound lovely and I’m glad it gave you some comfort. My writing is quite rambling but helps relieve the pain and sometimes confusion of the situation. Music is my biggest trigger and also my biggest comfort. I am trying to put on a brave face to the outside world. Generally I manage and I am ok until someone asks if I’m okay! Then the tears fall. I prefer to do my crying in private and I shall try to do this over the Christmas period though I’ve no doubt there will be some shared and shed during family gatherings. But Boxing Day is mine and I choose to be alone. My compromise to sharing my grief and love with my family. Many times the last few days I’ve wanted to pick the phone up and tell them all I’m not ready and to please celebrate this year without me. But a little whisper in my ear is telling me that they need this time with me. He was their dad and grandad and he would have wanted me to be there for them as we have throughout their lives. So Boxing Day is my compromise. To everyone out there that has loved and lost, take the time you need to look through old photos or share memories and I hope it brings some comfort. Those like myself who’s loss is too recent then do whatever you feel the need to do for yourself. My very best wishes to everyone out there reading or contributing to this thread. Do whatever brings you peace and comfort. 🥀🌹🌹

Some people shrug off grief and others really suffer .
Three months isn't long after losing a loved one .
One of my friends lost her husband in August and she's in agony She thought that they had a 20 year retirement to look forward to.
At the moment , she visits her daughter and granddaughter in a different state and then comes over the pond to stay with her ailing parents .
We are both church goers and prayer helps us a lot .
One lady at church understands me as she lost her husband and finds it hard to move forward .

It's important to eat properly and exercise and oh so easy to let it slide .
Do the things which make you happy and try new things which you didn't do before.

You'll have days when you move forward and days when you feel as though you've regressed.
It's entirely normal .
At the moment , it's the first Christnas without him then it becomes the first Easter and first birthday ...
Things will remind you of him - you could be in a shop and hear a song that initiates memories ...
Whiff is right-there are plenty of completely thoughtless people out there who say all the wrong things - walk away from them .
Wishing you well .
Take great care of yourself,
Love,
Esmay.

sankev, everything you’ve said is how I’m feeling. My husband died here at home on April 7. 55 years to the day that we met. I miss him so, so much. The lovely palliative care nurse who looked after him visited me a few days afterwards. She said that I should only do what I wanted to do. If I didn’t want to do something, then I didn’t need to. People mean well, but if they haven’t been through losing a partner, then they have no idea. At the moment, I don’t mix much. I don’t want much company, apart from my family, who drop in. I’ll see my grownup grandchildren and their little ones on Christmas morning, and will have lunch with my son and his partner. As you say, sankev, they have lost their dad and grandad, too. They’ll want to see us as ok as we can be. My little house is my safe place just now. It may always be that way for me, but that’s ok. I read somewhere that grief is like picking up a heavy stone and putting it in your pocket. At first, the stone and its weight is all you think about, but then, gradually it just happens that the stone doesn’t weigh you down anymore, even though it’s still there. Sending love to all who are needing comfort just now. x

Karmalady glad you let go of the rose petals and felt you could let your husband go. You did what was right for you.

Only reason I don't wear my wedding ring is 2 years ago in the November I forgot to put the ring tightener on it during the day. Went out shopping it was bitter cold . Went to my favourite cafe . Wasn't until I got home and took my gloves off no wedding ring had my first very panic attack. Looked everywhere then phoned cafe they had it and put it in a box . They knew it was mine. My daughter had been on to me for a year to wear it on a chain. I lost 7st over 5 years but didn't want my ring made smaller . Wanted it as my husband put it in my finger . This may make someone smile I brought my own wedding ring as my husband hadn't got the money for it at the time . Still remember how much it cost £85, 22 carat d shaped ring. He never wanted a ring so brought him a watch cost £25 . We married in May 1981 . He broke the watch on site 2 months later when his arm got caught taking some measurements at a sewerage works . 🤣. In those days you could get a watch for £10 or less. Lost count how many he broke he was a klutz .

I never wanted any other man had offers but he was my one and only. I wrote on another thread on this forum a conversation I had with a taxi driver last month in the hope it would make the lady I told about it would make her smile . Which she said it did. But boy did I get some comments about how I shouldn't have had a conversation with a taxi driver like it but he asked so I answered . A GN friend said to another GN friend of hers Whiff writes like she is in real life . We meet for lunch every few months .

The rage and anger as I have says before on other threads over my husband dieing gets me through everyday without him nearly 22 years now . But we have to use what helps us cope . This is my way . And I have been told I am wrong on other threads . But I don't care I am me .

Grief is very individual and we all have ways to cope . Plus it takes time to come to terms with never being with the other half of yourself again .

But in the end it takes years before coping becomes easier but the grief is worse well that's my experience. And it can still hit me out of the blue but I don't fight the tears.

Just take your time and do what feels right for you. 🌹🌹🌹🎄

I loved the advice that grief is like a stone in your pocket. Heavy at first but gets lighter, but always there. I think I read that a while back and the stone was rough and heavy at first, but gradually with time and holding it became smoother and lighter.
A comforting analogy.

Magenta wrote:
"Christmas might be a bit of an ordeal for you this year but just hang on to the fact that your DH would not want you to be so unhappy."

I think this is good advice because it helps you to connect with the dead person, and also because it makes your grief pure loss ,unmixed with the guilt we sometimes feel when a loved one passes on.

I still wear my wedding ring and always will. Death won’t stop me being my darling man’s wife. I won’t get over him or move on but I can live and enjoy things in life. I have friends. Go to art classes, meet people. I will never be as happy as I was but I am just passing time as best I can till we are together again.

Doodle I am still married and always will be . Soon correct people if they call me Miss or Ms. I am always Mrs.
When my husband died in 2004 every was on paper martial status was married ,divorced or single . I used to cross it all out and write widowed across it. Except I once wrote Window once ,good job I checked before posting .
I am an atheist so don't believe we will meet again . But he lives on in our children's and grandsons DNA and that gives me comfort .

You will be with Mr D one day because you both believed it. Like my mom and dad .

Glad you are doing things you like . Your husband would be proud of you .
As all spouses ,partners ,parents friends they would all be proud of you. As you are getting through each day without them .

Woke at 4am crying but it's Christmas eve so allow the tears to flow . Feeling better now . But no sad tears for me tomorrow never Christmas day .

Been remembering when my brother and me aged 5&4 catching our dad crawling into our bedroom we shared a bed with our socks . And then remembering when out daughter was 3.5 catching her dad putting her sock in her room . He told me she said I won't tell mommy .

Have the best Christmas you can but if you need space to be alone do it .

Already shed my tears but there will be none tomorrow.
🎄🎄🎄🎄

Whiff the pain never stops does it. 💕

Wishing you all the best Christmas day you can . 🎄🥂🎁

I am surrounded by dear loving people having fun together and ploughing on with a smile in spite of struggling with atrial fibrillation today. As my DD said earlier when we had a moment on our own: "We are just missing Papa."

I’m so sorry for your loss, 3 months is no time at all to be past grieving. Try to be kind to yourself, it’s a cliché that time heals but it’s true. We don’t stop loving but the pain does ease xx

Missing them is so hard, thinking of all without their loved ones today. Hugs and 💕

Someone upthread commented how music is a trigger. It is sad really as there is a whole era of wonderful music I simply cannot listen to.

Hope you all had the best day yesterday you could.

Luckygirl we had 3 pop songs at my husband's funeral as we are atheists. Still can't listen to the piece when we went into the crem or the piece when the curtains closed round his coffin .

But this year have been able to listen and use Mr Blue sky by ELO for when I do my static pedalling . Because it was ironic as it raining heavy when we went outside . My husband would have laughed . I sing my tuneless heart out doing my pedalling plus other ELO sings .

My husband was a Neil Diamond fan still can't listen to his music though.

Music I love is classical ,sea shanties and viking music . My husband would laugh his socks off at my choices.

My daughter what's a funeral when I die . I would rather not have one . But she said it's her responsibility. But have chosen my 3 pieces of music . And they are with my will.

Music can say and make you feel things you can't say to loved ones .
Thinking of you all. 🎄

Satkev I second Sparkly post 2nd down. I hope you get some relief from the posters here, especially those in the same boat as you. God Bless

Again such kind words. I survived an absolute blast of emotions. Christmas Eve was probably the hardest. All 19 members of our family together at our house with the 20th member missing. Christmas Day its self was a little easier. Tears on waking then watching some of my GC that had stayed overnight, opening presents.. I cooked a traditional Christmas dinner, all plates were cleared apart from mine. But I took pleasure from knowing that the 7 members of my family present enjoyed it. They left after tea and I was alone. I felt such relief even though I had enjoyed the company and was glad I had gone through with it. I felt I could breathe. Boxing Day I put on some old comfy clothes. Went for a walk. Ate leftovers. Spent most of the day on the sofa listening to music or watching nothing much on TV. Tears throughout but some lovely memories which made me smile. Like the Christmas he asked me what I wanted and I told him to surprise me- he did- with a pair of wellies lol. For me I think I got the the mix of company and alone time about right. I am relieved that it is all over. I’m going to my DD new year Eve but I won’t stay to see in the new year. Otherwise I am looking forward. Not with great joy but with determination. One step forward two steps back! So, to everyone out there that is going through or has been through something similar, my very very best wishes to you all. And a very big thank you to everyone who has contributed to this post. You are all amazing. 🙏🌹🌹

Sadly, it will just take time. My brother went through this and told me it was about three years before he really began to make any progress. He just lives on microwave meals, not that I advocate this for yourself though it may be a temporary help to you. Please be kind to yourself and take it easy. Take care.

I am eating a little better. Not necessarily cooking but I’m conscious of eating healthily. I have lost my appetite regarding the usual meals I would cook, but I’m making the effort. Little and often and healthier choices. It’s a start. Homestead62 at least your brother is eating. My sister lost her husband 12 years ago and still doesn’t cook. She was an amazing cook but said she can no longer taste the food so it’s not worth the effort. As we’ve said previously, everyone deals with things differently.

May sound odd but Happy new year to you all. For those who's loved ones have recently died then you have already faced some firsts and will more in 2026 . But you will get through them you are not alone and here we all understand what you will go through . But do whatever is right for you it's not selfish but survival . We all have to find our way to cope and it's not easy . I have said many times in my rambles grief is the price we pay for love . It's a heavy price to pay but at least we had it and gave it . Some people live their whole life and never have that love . That one person that makes you whole and you them . Grief is like walking through treacle 1 step forward and pulled 2 steps backwards . But as time goes by for me the grief is worse but I can walk forward and not be pulled backwards, but bone crushing grief can hit me out of the blue but I don't fight it .

Make sure to look after yourself as your loved one wouldn't want you to neglect yourself . I know it's hard you think why bother washing brushing you teeth etc but you have to for your loved one that . They wouldn't want you to stop living . Each of you knows what your other half would say to you if you didn't look after yourself.

As some know I was born disabled my dad always says no such word as can't if I said can not he would give me a look. So I have used that since my husband died I haven't said I can't make that decision or do that thing. But found my way to do it . You will find your way . Everyone is different and has different ways to cope you will find your way . And never let anyone tell you your way is wrong. 🌹

Sanjev, I can see all the excellent advice you have been given and echo it. It's been 21 years for me Christmas. The first few years were fuzzy, I didnt want to be here, I don't know how I functioned. I went on holidays always have, saw my friends made new ones, gradually you live round the enormous gap they leave. Life is never the same, yet we make a different one.
A life you will enjoy again.