Life as a widow

I just want to add that I think think I feel more of a whole person in my own right since becoming a widow, rather than the remaining half of a couple. I had so much clearing and sorting out to do, but to counteract that I have increased my activities outside the home, especially via u3a.

Likewise, Marzipan, when I was divorced and discovered social evets, such as regular meals at each others houses were still going on and I was no longer included. These were people I had known since school and it was very hurtful.

Later I moved away and set up a new social life as a single person, and found I was invited to most things, but still not the dinner parties, strictly married couples. I invited people to meals and the unmarried and single returned the invitations, but not the married. Rather silly really.

Thank you for all your replies.

I am normally out and about - run a choir, sing in one, run an arts festival, go to lots of U3A stuff, do the hall bookings etc. etc. But I am not well enough to do these things at the moment as so weak and out of breath. This is why I feel so down - it just goes on and on .......

The whole couples thing was something I noticed from the start of widowhood. Normally I let it wash by me - but not at the moment ..... things can only get better bit by bit I hope.

I have not been able to enjoy the benefits of my latest heart procedure because I have been laid low with bronchitis.

eazybee

Likewise, Marzipan, when I was divorced and discovered social evets, such as regular meals at each others houses were still going on and I was no longer included. These were people I had known since school and it was very hurtful.

Later I moved away and set up a new social life as a single person, and found I was invited to most things, but still not the dinner parties, strictly married couples. I invited people to meals and the unmarried and single returned the invitations, but not the married. Rather silly really.

So, not just me then! The irony is I am not really bothered one way or another with dinner parties ..... it just feels a bit odd sometimes.

Thinking back to when we invited people round for a meal, they were all couples - but then we were younger and more couples were alive and intact!

One of my friends,who is younger than me and already not in the best health is reeling from the death of her husband.
After the initial sympathy and promises of invitations -she's been left high and dry .
My divorced friends say the same things too .
As a singleton you are a loose canon.
I don't live in the same country as my friend otherwise I'd socialise with her .
I advise her to take it easy on herself and do things which she enjoys .
Hopefully she'll make new friends and move forward .

As a long time singleton I have known the exclusion of invites to many things. Couples invite couples.

Do you think part of ill health is runinating? I know I am doing far too much of this.

The world of dinner parties is a million miles away from me.

Perhaps because DH is an introvert and socially awkward we have never done the socialising as a couple thing. Isn't it strange what life throws our way, the assumptions we make and so on.

I'm sorry that you've not really got the benefit of your heart procedure yet.
I'm still part of a couple but we haven't been asked to a dinner party for years. I just don't think they've been happening in our area and age group. Lunches out are the great thing for us. Sometimes I'm meeting friends on my own and sometimes DH is.
I should also say that in our block of flats there are some couples but mostly people seem to be single. We have a few widows, some divorcees and several who have just never married. They're all included in social occasions, drinks parties and drinks in our lovely garden. Everyone who wants to be included is included.

I find that in a way the reverse is the case.
While we were a couple even when DH wasn’t well, we were happy to invite friends, couples or singles for whatever reason, but now I am on my own, I will invite women friends to lunch, or couples to lunch in the garden in summer, but feel inhibited at entertaining on my own without somebody to keep the conversation going while I’m in the kitchen, do the wine etc and generally spread the “load” or provide a balance.
So I think not being invited to dinner as often probably reflects what I do. OP doesn’t say whether she entertains couples or groups of friends, and I suppose what goes around comes around!
We are all in our 70’s anyway and many people don’t like driving at night so dinners have become lunches and I have to admit that the work involved in planning and providing a meal for 4.6 or 8 is not something I contemplate all that happily.
Family excepted of course.

When your husba nd dies you may as well have died with him, people who you thought were friends and even my sister just cut you off like as if you're going to ask for something, all over you at the funeral with promises of lifts, help shopping, gardening, days out then you never hear from them again, it took me a year to realise this

My friends and I used to do dinner parties years ago. They were great fun but they don't happen now, and haven't for a long time. I have been thinking that they were a thing of the 80s
. I am in a couple and I don't know anyone who does that these days.
I do, however, socialise as an individual with my female friends by meeting one set once a week for breakfast, and other friends I meet on a less regular basis for coffee.
With my breakfast friends we usually organise to do 'nice things' like go out for a day trip or go to the theatre to celebrate when one of us has a birthday, and at Christmas time we organise a nice meal out and a show or something similar.
It is really good to maintain social links.
I had no friends or family here when we moved to the village 12 years ago, but I have made my new friends through attending events at the local community centre and through a couple of different voluntary jobs that I have done.

jakuss

When your husba nd dies you may as well have died with him, people who you thought were friends and even my sister just cut you off like as if you're going to ask for something, all over you at the funeral with promises of lifts, help shopping, gardening, days out then you never hear from them again, it took me a year to realise this

I am sorry that you have found this.

I have too, but to a lesser extent I think because the village where I live has a very good social life so I need not be on my own, and am not when I am well enough to join in.

There were couples we both knew well and I hardly hear from them - in fact now don't hear from them. One couple we went on holidays in France together every year and I had seen them as very close friends - I was shocked when they just let the link drop when my OH died. To start with I would send them emails and then gave up when I would get delayed and vague replies.

Another couple we had very close musical connections with - indeed one of them, a professional cellist, played at my OH's funeral. And then they vanished into the ether - they only live about 7 miles away. The wife came round once after OHJ died, then that was it.

Are people uncomfortable when faced with what they fear most? Do the wives think I am after their men (!)? Did they like my OH and put up with me as a hanger-on? Are odd numbers uncomfortable?

I don't know; I simply do not know ......

I am guessing that the antidote to all this is being out and about - unfortunately this has not been possible for the last couple of months and I am left contemplating what happens when this becomes a permanent state of affairs. Who knows?

Was just chatting to a friend whose OH is dying and her feeling is that we all now just live too long and we need to start letting go with a good grace.

In my experience, widowhood suffers from the fact that there are no generally accepted social rules any longer.

So it is easier to stop inviting us widows, or not start again, as most of us could not accept invitations during the last months of our husbands' lives.

Nor do they know "what to say" so they do not offer condolences or ask if we need help just after our bereavement, and not having done so, find it impossible later to offer help.

Much the same thing applies to anyone who is single.

My strategy is to invite people myself, thus signaling that I would like to see them, and will be happy to accept an invitation.

This is not entirely satisfactory, as you "cannot" invite those with families at Christmas, New year, Easter etc. but on an ordinary day of the week, it should be possible.

I realised this when I got divorced but then also realised I didn’t invite single women to couple events when I was married!

You've made me think Luckygirl13. A friend died during COVID but not of COVID. I was in contact with the widow a lot at the time. However, on thinking about it, it's ages since I've seen her. Our lives diverged as we got out of lockdown. She went into full time education and also ran classes on the side. I can't do her classes and am also busy with my own interests. I feel guilty now. I should have tried harder to keep in touch but I'm a bit intimidated by her busy educational life. I should say that she's never contacted me. Maybe it's a friendship that's run it's course as interests have diverged. But maybe not. Oh dear.

Do people still have dinner parties?
How 1970’s.

Some women see a young widow as temptation for their husbands which doesn't say much about their marriages. You eventually make a new life with people on their own and with similar interests. You have been ill Lucky and bound to be low and need to recover, hopefully this is a temporary phase in your life and things improve. I have slowed down a bit and can’t do a lot of what I used to, keep busy in the week but find weekends and bank holiday challenging sometimes. So I am re thinking things

jakuss

When your husba nd dies you may as well have died with him, people who you thought were friends and even my sister just cut you off like as if you're going to ask for something, all over you at the funeral with promises of lifts, help shopping, gardening, days out then you never hear from them again, it took me a year to realise this

I think that can just be people in the 21st century.

Sorry you're not well. I am not a widow ( divorced) but have suffered similar issues. Some women think I must be after their husbands !
Marzipan22 is right. When you feel more yourself start your own circle of friends to socialise with or perhaps look at courses in your area. Gets you out of the house and chatting. Always a good start.

Since a newly divorced friend thanked me for inviting her to dinner with other couples and singles. She told me that she felt left out as couples always invite couples.
Since then I have been mindful of including all of our friends be they widowed, divorced, married, cohabiting or always single.
I’ve never bothered about equal numbers of male and female and concentrate more on groups who would mostly likely find each other interesting.
I think it’s really sad that people who find themselves alone have to suffer even more loneliness because of the thoughtlessness of others.

I quite understand how Luckygirl feels; I am not enduring her health problems but have become much more reluctant to ask people for a meal as it is so long since I needed to cook properly on a regular basis and am not sure I can do it now. The combination of DH’s long decline with Parkinson’s and lock down disrupted our local social life and it has never really recovered. I know I should try harder but lack the energy. It’s all rather sad.

I rarely go out with DP unless with family ( we have a big family).....I go out for lunches or tea with different groups of friends....I never go out as a couple with DP with friends ....its not what we do

Kandinsky

Do people still have dinner parties?
How 1970’s.

We do because it's so much cheaper than a get-together in a restaurant, family too, we don't use restaurants these days, since Covid prices have gone up so much. Yesterday went to a concert, before a couple of drinks and a light 2 course cost over £50 for 2. At home I can do a decent meal with wine for 8 for that, and they will be as much as you want to eat.

Now we're retired there is little else to do in any case.

Dinner parties seem to be a thing of the past.

As said. Lunches seem to be more on trend now.

And as for dining with my neighbours. No thank you.