Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢

whiff five years on and I still relive the last week of my DH’s life every day. We were allowed to see him once before he died, we had to be in full protective gowns, hair covering, masks etc and weren’t supposed to touch him. He was sedated and unresponsive.
And at the time Boris and his mates were having parties in Downing Street….
We were happy with our own company and didn’t meet up with friends regularly so that side of life didn’t change. My friends now are all widowed or caring for husbands or wives but we see each other regularly. I do miss the days out we used to have.

Sending you condolences FGT. There's an army of us going through the same process. We know.

FGT close couples who were friends . If their husband did a job for me the wife came to . One even said she needed to keep an eye on him. A neighbour said haven't you stopped grieving it's been 6 months .
I was in my local town where I used to live few months after my husband died and a good friend of mine saw me stopped dead look of horror on her face and she dashed into the nearest shop . Now the 45 year old me was hurt and just carried on . But if it has been the 50 year old me then I would have gone in after her as asked what the 🦆🦆🦆🦆 .

My husband and I did everything together. My being born disabled never phased him no matter how bad my mobility and invisible disabilities got. After he died I existed our home was just a house. I had no life . The children left as I wanted 2 years after their dad died.

But I had both parents and mother in law to look after . I was on call 24/7 not only my husband died but so did me. I lost me .

I moved over 100 miles to the north west nearly 7 years ago . And for the first time since my teens I sleep . I found me again ,got a home ,joined things I never thought I would and more friends than I have ever had.
And finding living the main promise I made my husband and living the best life I can. Have kept every promise I made him.

Until your spouse or partner dies you have no idea how it feels . I do offer people condolences but also say words don't mean anything but if you need to talk,cry have a hug or just sit in silence let me know and I will do what you need.

I didn't have that and that's why I try and help others in my own odd ball way.

Romola

Sending you condolences FGT. There's an army of us going through the same process. We know.

Indeed Romola thank you.
This is a thread for us all to share what those experiences were (are) like. It may help others to read or encourage them to join in and post. That would be good. Not as a misery fest but to listen, acknowledge and empathise.

You obviously have a very caring nature Whiff.

I wanted to send pats on the back to all those who are coping with this hard road - even if you think you are doing it imperfectly, you are simply doing it which is an achievement in itself and deserves the admiration of us all.

I have one friend whom I see weekly at the choir I run and she always gives me a hug - as she says "You do not have someone to hug you every day and I know how lucky I am to still have my husband." That means a lot to me in the midst of this misery. If anyone who isn't widowed is reading this thread it is something to bear in mind.

My DDs and GC always hug me too, and I appreciate that so much.

I do feel very sad and very lonely a lot of the time - I, like many of us, have many physical buggerations to contend with on top of the loneliness .... I try to be good company when I am with people but I am sometimes just completely wiped out. Sometimes I feel I am just putting on an act for others' comfort - but of course if I didn't they would be very happy never to see me again ....

Only 11 weeks, FGT: that’s no time at all. I’m 15 months into my widowhood and one of the first things I missed, and still do, is a voice calling out “hello darling”, when I put my key in the door after being out somewhere. He always did that.

We had 56 wonderful years, so a long time. His clothes are still in his wardrobe. I will deal with them one day.

Hugs to you FGT.

Redcar sorry I didn't read you post until now. I know what it's like every little detail you remember and it's hurts just as much . But your brain can't or won't stop you reliving it. Seeing the person you love most in the world dieing is torture and there is nothing you can do . I was born disabled my husband was the fit healthy one . I was prepared to die first had even thought the children would have to watch their dad as I know he would have drunk to much until he came to his senses.

Lots of love to all of you gong through this flowers]

One of the major factors for me was that I, in conjunction with my family, made the decision to let my husband die rather than have his pneumonia treated, which would have dragged him back to a totally miserable life of helplessness and fear with no hope of an end to it.
This so colours my remembrance of his death ... it feels a hard burden to shoulder even 6 years on.
The medics were about to blue light him to hospital but stopped straight away when I said I needed to discuss this with my family and totally respected our decision ... I honestly think they were relieved to have what they too knew was the right decision taken off their shoulders. And his consultant kindly showed up at the nursing home one evening to tell us all we had done the right thing and she would have been making the same decision for a loved one of hers.

But it still weighs heavy ... logical brain versus emotional.

Redcar sorry my shaky hand press post.

Hopefully this will make you smile . After my new neurologist had my whole genome genetically tested found out I was born with a mutant gene in my receptors and it's rare . First ever patient at the neurological hospital up here to have it.

My husband was a joker he could make you believe black was white and keep at straight face . If he had lived to find out my diagnosis he would have great pleasure in telling everyone he married a mutant 😁. Luckily the mutantion I have stopped at me I have it but not a carrier for it. My brother is fine and not a carrier so our children and grandsons are fine .
But some with same mutation but different lettering and number means they have it but also carriers for it so it can be past down the generations.

Plus he would tell people the hole in the side of my heart was where cupids arrow hit me .

His grade 4 malignant melanoma was on right side of his face hidden in his thick hair and beard. It appeared over night. He shaved his beard to a goatee. And had a large oval skin graft in his face from his hairline to nearly his chin . When asked about it he said he was in a pub fight and got bottled but you should have seen the other guy.

Bet you have stories of of the madcap things your husband did and say . On your worse day try and think of those moments and that goes for everyone here . I promise it does help even for a short time .

I think the logical brain must predominate there, Lucky. I feel that prolonging his suffering would not have been right and I do remember how unwell your husband was over quite a long time. But I too have those emotional moments when I think of things I should have done or said. Can’t change that though.

🎖️🏅I m not sending flowers but medals for you all.

FGT2

... yes - it is so often the small things. I completely understood your reaction over the last of the make-up remover pads. It's like a bruise upon a bruise. These 'small' reminders are in some ways worse than anniversaries or other significant events - you try to mentally prepare for those. But these little things pop up out of nowhere, and you're not prepared. When you first opened the make-up pads, your DH was still with you, and he bought them... I understand why it floored you...

Exactly this Dickens. You nailed it.
It’s the small ‘unexpecteds’ that floor me more than say what would’ve been his 74th birthday earlier this week.

And Luckygirl when my husband was asked towards the end whether, in the event of a heart attack he’d want resuscitation he smiled at the doctor and said “No thank you. I can think of nothing worse than you break a couple of ribs to resuscitate me and then I wake up to I’m dying anyway with cancer. Please just let me go if that happens”.

A “Do Not Resuscitate” instruction was added to his digital notes on the Christie ward and a senior nurse said “very sensible decision” to him.

+FGT* I feel with you . My husband and I had good friends before he passed away .It started getting less and less . A few WhatsApp’s , phone calls . Less invitatations . A couple even told me that that chapter in the book is closed and that I should start building a new life !
I realised that after a while not many friends wanted to hear hoe much I miss my husband . There was no way anyone was going to stop me talking about him . Not about the illness but about happy memories. It made some uncomfortable , those are the ones who believe they,ll live forever !
My husband and I were a great team . He too was very thoughtful . I’m thankful for the 39 years we shared together .

You,re doing very well FGT

It is 4 years now since my husband of 48 years died suddenly and unexpectedly.
I don't cry every night like I used to, but I think of him every day, and sometimes have cry when something just triggers me.
I understand what you are going through FGT. 💐

I am reading and re-reading everyone's stories on here, and am so moved by them.

It's a cathartic moment.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that it is often the little things that hit hard and quite often unexpectedly. I don't think it's wrong to have a good cry, bottleling up emotions causes more issues in the future. Be kind to yourself. X

A couple even told me that that chapter in the book is closed and that I should start building a new life !

I am so sorry this was said to you .... it beggars belief really.

These posts are very moving, they have stopped me in my tracks. I hope that comfort will find you FGT , sending heartfelt sympathy to all of you grieving.

I am the same, its been 2 years, 56 years married, it still haunts me, going over and over it, thinking i could have got help quicker, etc. I still have his biscuits, crunchy nut cornflakes, bubble bath, soap, clothes, etc. I still cant believe hes gone, i expect him to walk in the door every day, it never leaves you,

FGT So very sorry for your sad loss. It's such early days for you but please be aware that the overwhelming grief does become a little less raw as time passes. There are so many of us on this site that have been through exactly the same thing and can at least offer a shoulder for you. Grief is very different for everybody and if I could offer just one piece of advice then I would say don't stress about what you or other people think you should be doing, just do whatever you feel like at the time.
Take care.

It is the little things as you say and I really feel for you FGT.
I lost my DH nearly 38 years ago (whilst pregnant with our first baby) and even now there are little things that still set me off.
I have been married to my 2nd DH for 30+ years and am dreading the day as I know how painful it will be.
I suppose all we can do is take each day as it comes and be kind to ourselves really.