Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢

Mystyeyes11 our daughter came back home after uni to help her brother through his A levels. Their grief and mine was different and to be honest I would rather have been on my own. I was a fool I thought I had to be brave for them and couldn't show my grief until I went to bed. During the day I was screaming inside.

My daughter had a very good degree but she only did temporary jobs. Well they where supposed to be temporary but the 2 she had was for a year instead of 3 months ,she was so good they kept her on. I was glad when they both left our son to uni and daughter to use her education and live with her future husband.

I told them both they had to live their own lives . They where 20&16 when their dad died. My sound harsh but I was glad when they left 2 reasons I didn't have to hide my grief and could stop going to a bereavement group that was no help whatsoever. Only went because they wanted me to go.

My dad used to take and fetch me. But his health had started to decline when the children left. I helped mom look after him until he died and was looking after my mother in law as well. Dad died 3 years after my husband. Dad would have liked to have died year before but he held on because he knew mom wasn't ready to let go . We had always talked a lot all my life and he hated what his body had become hated the weakness .
The men past and present where what I call mens men. Having again what I call silver backed gorilla attitude. Me man I take care of family. I often said to my husband and dad I expected them to be banging their chests. Told my brother that. Makes my sister in law laugh and says I am right.

My strength is through the rage and anger I feel everyday over my husband dieing. But I use it in a positive way it has gotten me through a lot of life and health problems . Having a temper and being stubborn also helps but that's me . Plus I keep every promise I made my husband.

And I know I repeat myself but its who I am . I have a rare hereditary neurological condition. When talking I can repeat what I am saying and not know I have said it . But everyone with it is the same. And I repeat myself when posting but at least I am consistent.

I have been widowed 22 years . Many of you its very new . I still remember the moment my husband died I was no longer classed as a couple but single but I will always be a couple ,Mrs and married.

I call the first 10 years early grief. Yes you do learn to cope but it takes years. Now sooner than my husband died there was phone calls and paperwork to do ,then once the funeral is arranged a void and after the funeral it starts all over again . Last thing you want to be bothered with was paperwork. You are grieving but death brings allsorts of problems you never expect. My husband had lists he had in the study to contact as soon as he died but he missed things he never thought of.

Looking after my parents and my mother in law . I hated that woman for 40 years . But I couldn't not look after her until she died 11 yeas after my husband even though she told people she had no son or grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings.

I wasn't brought up to abandon people when they needed you . I had been a carer since I was 11 and looked after my nan of a weekend when she was ill while 2 aunts who didn't work took turns during the week. I was normal in our family to do that.

I would rather have been brought up the way my brother and I was than my husband. My parents never had much money but we where rich in love and attention . My husbands parents where well off but they didn't give him love and attention. But he got that from my large extended family.

We all are products of our upbringing and we have our own moral code. Mine was you didn't abandon those who needed you. Even though it cost me health wise I would do it all again and I did it on my own . Mom lived with me last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. But even when my mom died 4 months before her body did and the violence started I couldn't put her in a home. She was my mom and I loved her.

If anyone has looked after anyone with dementia the violence is through fear . Imagine waking not knowing who you are, where and who is that person in front of you. I never blame people who put family members in a home you know what you can cope with. I just couldn't do it. My children wanted me to put mom in a home because they where worried about me . But they don't and never will know what I went through looking after their dad and the others.

I will never let my daughter go through what I did. I decided after my husband died what I would do and mom's dementia made me more determined she would never shoulder that burden or have the memories I have .

My son estranged me 6 years ago via email and follow up letter. This may soon awful but I never what to see my son or daughter in law ever again. They are strangers and I am not the same mom he knew. I have 3 grandsons with them . I still love my son but the kind loving son I had for 32 years and will always love my grandsons .

I know if my husband had lived our son would not have done it but he hasn't just estranged me but all the side of our family . Estrangement is a living grief. The grief for my husband far out weights what my son has done.

As usual veered off topic but that's me .

No i am alone. Family differenced they dont understand the depth of my grief , its like some sort of competition. and we were always together never really made friends very happy with each other.i was his carer for last 4 years he was never left alone other than hosp appts we were in all the time its afected areas of my life. I would do it all again in a heartbeat to have him back, he was and still is my world.

This is so hard for you ... and so recent. There is such a feeling of unreality at this early stage and it is hard to manage everyday things. I hope you have family or friends around you.

Many thanks luckygirl much appreciated. Ive no idea where i go from here.im engulfed in grief while everyday things fall apart. I dont feel i can move on without my DH he was my reason for living.

I think all you people are amazing you have time to console all the ones who are suffering, your kind words soothing the grief of many. Today has been a low day for me. Spent last couple of hours bending my DH ears thru my many tears. I will never regret my love for him even though i am struggling to let go its way too soon, i love him eternally and will never let go no matter how painful his love for me was well worth any pain i have now. Happy annuversaryWhiff may your memories carry you through many years to come. If i manage 10 % of your strength i will be going in the right direction to maintain my eternal love fot my DH. Big hug for you xx

45Mystyeyes11 .... just wanted to send a hand hold. Such a tough time for you.

Today it would have been our 45th wedding anniversary. We where married 22 years when Mr W died had been together 29 years. But I hasn't made me sad . I have remembered all the things that went wrong that day so I have laughed instead of cry. We had a wonderful life together both of us had tempers and stubborn. I still have a temper but not lost it since he died but am still very stubborn .

As I had said before grief hurts mentally and physically. Until you go through the death of the other half of yourself people don't realise the constant pain you feel every day. A pain that never heals. It's the heavy price we pay for finding the other half of ourselves . The only person in the world that makes you whole and you them . They knew the real you and you them . Love was unconditional and forever until the day we die.

But we are the lucky ones to have had that. People can live their whole lives and never feel that love and fulfilment . I would rather feel this pain everyday than never have had the love of my life .

Love does not conquer all. Never understood that saying . Love is ,joy ,pain ,bone crushing sadness but its so worth having and without it our lives would have been empty .

Love like grief lasts forever. Hugs to you all .

Fried GreenTomatoes2. I too lost my darling husband just over 12 wks ago in february we had 57 wonderful years together, wasnt ready to lose him dont think I ever would have been, he was my world. It brings it home to you how some of the small day to day can reduce you to floods of tears things u never thought of. I am in bits cant eat, sleep cry floods of tears all thru day and night, never cried so much in my life i am truly heartbroken. My chest has hurt since the day he passed like having a heavy object on it constantly. I tpo count time today is the 86th day without him never been seperated before we were joined at the hip always together. 2 hearts beating as 1 same thoughts at same time. I can fully understand how a small thing made you fall apart. May I offer my condolences at this very sad and lonely time you are in my thoughts. Look after yourself. Take care . P.s i have gone over the top with lots of his photos doing stuff he enjoyed, hiking. Gliding and find seeing his smiling face all over the house room to room helps keep him here with me. My favourite is the big smiling face as you come thru the front door (he always hurried to open door for me,always smiling with a welcome kiss) one of the small things i miss and get upset over when i put key in lock to let myself in. His large wall mounted pic of him smiling helps me alot.

SueDonim hope you have a lot of support on the day and can have happy memories shared with those who loved him.
You will get through it and it may well be easier than you think. I pray you have strength for the coming weeks and months.

I cannot imagine, but allow yourself and do not EVER feel that you need to move on or get over.

I still have my DH, but lost my sister nearly 20 years ago, and every now and then things catch me. When my great great niece says something cute and I think how she would have laughed. Not the same I know, but do think back on happy things with him, and talk about him with people who knew him when you are ready.

Hugs

I felt the same, SueDonim but DH’s funeral was during the second lockdown so nothing felt ‘right’ until afterwards when all I wanted to do was sigh with relief and sleep for a week!
I hope your DH’s funeral gives you comfort and peace.

SueDonim

to FGT, who began this thread, and to all who grieve.

My husband’s funeral takes place this week. I feel unhinged, don’t know whether I’m up, down or sideways.

My husband’s funeral takes place this week.

... I found that, once the ceremony was under way - it felt right.

My condolences to you, and wishing you calm on the day.

Bumping this thread in case ElusiveButterfly might want to read it.

My shaky finger pressed post .So his pillows had dried blood on them but I couldn't get rid of them for years until they stopped smelling of him. Sounds gross I know but I needed his smell. I keep a coat of his in a plastic bag which smelt of him. I hadn't smelt it for years and found when I was decluttering before my moving it was mouldy. Good job in was in a sealed bag.

When I was declutteing ready to move I put all the sympathy cards and letters in the recycling. I read them all when they arrived but didn't read then again. This was in 2018 he died in 2004 and didn't want to read them . But it felt good to get rid of them . Sounds awful but he wouldn't have wanted me to wallow in the past.

My husband from his diagnosis and knowing he only had 5 years to live he wasn't frighten of dieing but what upset him was leaving me . He was worried how I would cope . But he had his practical head on and had our bathroom made into a shower room as I couldn't shower without him because the shower was over the bath.

It's not easy the other half of you dieing some people do find love again and sond people expected me to. But my husband was my one and only true love the other half of me and the only person who knew the real me and I him.

Never fight your grief as you will hurt yourself . I still talk about my husband in the present tense as I have said I don't use past or late to describe him. He is still my husband and will be until I die. Our daughter will scatter our ashes together. As his are in my wardrobe.

There are only to certanties in life we are born and we die. The rest is up to us. Those of your who are newly widowed I can't say you will ever stop grieving but given time months or years you will cope and in my experience there with still be a void . I still find myself thinking how would my husband do it or shout at him because I can't get the top of something. It's always the silly things and I either cry or laugh.

My heart goes out to you all. But you can have a life given time and I owe it to my husband to do what he wanted me to do and that's live the best life I can and I do. Hugs to you all.

When your spouse or partner dies you soon know who your real friends and relatives are. You are trying to make sense of the world alone and then you have the hurt when people disappear. I know I wondered did people only put up with me because of my husband. But you find those you really care about you and are always there for you if its only giving you a hug or just sitting with you because all you need is silence but having someone else in the room. Or a relative or friend you starts cleaning will you cry. Not because they think you house is dirty but because they know you want to be alone but don't know how to help you so decide to do something practical.

It's bad enough you are grieving but all the practical things you have to do as soon as they die. My husband had left lists in the study who to contact as soon as he died. Silly things he forgot.
Hopefully this might make someone smile my husband had a trade magazine once a month called Wet News it was about water treatment plants and lastest sewage treatment. Even thought I cancelled it still came once a month for 5years . It became a running joke with the children if I had my copy. Luckily it came in a clear plastic envelope otherwise I don't know what the postman might have thought.

Once the funeral is over you think that's it now I can grieve in peace but no even more paperwork to do. Even though my daughter filled in the form to stop any post for my husband it still came for few years after he died. So had to write deceased on the envelope and post it.

I am straight forward I don't say my husband has past on or late . I say dead. It amazed me how many people didn't like me using the word dead. Only time my husband was late for anything was his funeral as the one in front over ran and I said to the children dad would hate this as he hated queuing and we laughed. I remember looking out of the funeral cars window and people where crying . We had an unsaid pact we wouldn't cry during the funeral I am glad we didn't even though we could hear people crying around us. But so many people came from all over the country we had to thank coming. We couldn't have done it if we cried.

I have found that it doesn't matter if you found the other half of yourself and only together a year or 50 that feeling of losing half of yourself is the same. But this is my own view and experience.

I still hate the empty side of the bed even after 22 years. My husbands last Christmas 2003 he won the raffle at our GPs and the cancer unit top prize . Still remember him saying finally I win things but dieing. The GP prize was a cuddly snowman which I slept with holding it for nearly a year. I always knew if I had a bad night as I woke up on my husbands side of the bed.

I didn't get rid of his clothes for 8 months and could only do it because my daughter helped me. My husband never wore anything thing that smelt as he used sensitive products because of his eczema.

Now this may sound awful but because of the tumours by the optical nerve he had lumps on his head which bled

I’m 5 years down the line, and yes, I did lose confidence at first. Not surprising when your world is turned upside down like a snow globe. But gradually you find a way through it all and come out stronger. Takes a long time, though - years, not months. As for finding who your real friends are - well all his friends disappeared!

to FGT, who began this thread, and to all who grieve.

My husband’s funeral takes place this week. I feel unhinged, don’t know whether I’m up, down or sideways.

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love and hugs to you. xx

I have been sitting and re-reading all these posts. Heart rending. I cannot (ought not) single anyone out as there are so many I’d like to mention but don’t wish to slight others, so I will not do so.

However, a virtual hand hold to fellow sufferers and a heartfelt thank you to those who have so kindly posted to offer words of comfort. GN once again at its absolute best.

We are the only species that cries. xx

JustkeepswimmingDonna

FGT2 your comment about the soap made me cry. After COVID I said I was never going to take anything for granted again, but we soon slip back into doing just that. Your post has reminded me how it's the little things that matter. And that are so easily taken for granted. I wish you strength to bear your loss. Keep your precious memories close to your heart. I do so hope that we are reunited with our loved ones again, when our time comes. Sending you a big hug

What a kind response from you jksd and very true.
When life is going ‘swimmingly’ we do indeeed take things (everything reality) for granted.

It takes the worry and terrible unremitting anxiety of terminal illness in a loved one to bring into sharp focus what Really Matters in life. And what doesn’t.

Posters on this thread have been kind with their wise words and I hope they’ve brought you comfort too

Most definitely they have and do MadameP
Your loss is very recent too I hope you are managing okay?

I’ve been reading that grief book I mentioned upthread. I devoured it to be honest over two days to the exclusion of our book club read. I found some comfort within its pages. Small nuggets anyway.

Today’s pinch was at my dental appointment this afternoon for repair of a cracked filling. I’m a nervous patient at the best of times and this needed ‘a small amount of drilling, not much’ I was told.

As I lay there mouth wide open my eyes filled with tears at what a wuss I am. Here was I having a bluddy filling and being apprehensive- yet often, on a Tuesday afternoon, Himself would have his iv chemotherapy session. Result anlways unknown until the next scan.

He was so optimistic and so very grateful for his treatments. I felt humbled thinking of his stoicism to be honest and cried when I left the dentist.

I empathise. And I would just like to point out that there are probably many others like me. Yes, my husband has died, but by then he was my ex husband living in Australia.So though I was sorry, I wasn't grieving.
I too live on my own, and have done so for over 30 years, with no regrets.
I'm now in my 80s, not that healthy, and frustrated often by my inability to open bottles, work out how the weedkiller spray container works, wait for a visitor who can stand behind me, ready to catch, whilst I climb on a step stool on the landing to lean out over the stairs so I can replace the bulb in the ceiling light, and not have to climb the stairs in darkness, run next door in the middle of baking to ask a neighbour to undo the baking powder container....etc...etc

Bet of all, when my elder daughter and family come down from Cheshire ( I live in Berks). her partner mows the lawn,; that is one job I hate doing, and am not very good at it either!

I am with you Friedgreentomatoes2. My husband also died in February of cancer. This is not an easy journey and it takes time and good friends. Be good to yourself, get out of the house as much as possible. Don’t expect too much too soon. Posters on this thread have been kind with their wise words and I hope they’ve brought you comfort too.

GrannySomerset

I have yet to weep - I would probably feel better if I did but fear I would never stop.

Like FGT I had time to anticipate DH’s death but actually coming to terms with it is something else, and four years down the line I still yearn for his arms around me, for the drink or cup of tea presented with a smile, for shared jokes and phrases which were relevant only to us, for being half of a partnership which lasted for almost the whole of my adult life. I have yet to weep - I would probably feel better if I did but fear I would never stop.