Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢

Reading your posts is like my own new life being reflected back at me. I thank you all for being so candid about this journey we are so loath to go on.

I am only four weeks into my new widowhood and so far haven’t had any ‘rejections’ from friends. Maybe that’ll happen after the funeral which is next week. I can say though, that I’ve yet to hear a word from my only remaining sibling of three, a brother. I’ve informed him about Dh and sent funeral details but I have not had so much as an ‘I’m sorry’ from him.

Maw your post gave me food for thought. I might stop sending Christmas cards altogether from now on. I could write letters to people this December, tell them our news and say that I won’t be sending cards any more. No soft soaping about charity donations! I’ll put my email address, if they want to keep up in that way.

I’ve always been an eat to live person, Grandmattie so understand your attitude towards food. I’d be quite happy to take food pills, if there were such a thing. Tonight I absentmindedly picked up two sets of cutlery for the table - that brought me up short. I suppose at least I can read at the table without it being considered bad manners! I’ve also begun to listen to podcasts at dinner time. Some kind friends gave me a lovely radio to help fill the silence and I can stream to it from my phone. People talking is soothing as well as interesting.

I’ve kept dh’s toothbrush head, FGT. I’ve ditched other things such as his mouthwash and old slippers but not that. One of the DS’s went off with a newish sports jacket Dh had this week! I’m glad to see it being used.

I still make lovely dinners even if they’re just for me because DH would have hated me to give up something that always gave me a huge amount of pleasure. I no longer set the table though unless I’m entertaining family or friends.

I live like a student with meals on a lap tray in front of the telly. I have got one pot meals in a bowl, albeit cooked from scratch with the best ingredients I can afford, off to a fine art. When DD recently helped me with decorating and remarked my garden room must be a lovely place to have breakfast, looking out at the garden, I thought, if only you could see me in my PJs watching breakfast telly, munching toast and marmalade😂
Everyone’s journey is different. I’m hard wired to ‘just get on with it’ - picking myself up from moments of anguish got easier as time went on.
If only we could fast forward those early days. We can’t of course but they’re a necessary part of defining who you will eventually become.

fgt Sending you a big hug, I have no words

FGT, it's very early days for you and my experience is, whenever these moments of naked grief and loss hit, don't even try to fight it. They are inevitable and a part of the massive emotional adjustment from being half of "us" to being only "me".
So many things have been said here that I can relate to; the little things that catch you unawares, you are absolutely not alone.
Six and a half years on and now (unexpectedly) happy with a new partner I am still caught out. Last week, I decided to clean out the bathroom cabinet and found a half-used bottle of my husband's favourite cologne. That completely knocked me sideways; I sat on the loo seat and bawled my eyes out. No way I could chuck that bottle out. It went back on the shelf.
My new partner can relate to much of this. We live a contented life and love each other dearly but both accept that our dead partners will always be a huge part of our lives. Sometimes, I will come across him crying because his wife's favourite song was on the radio or he has woken from a dream about her.
Be kind to yourself, dear FGT and don't let anyone tell you what's normal. We each grieve in our own way and it's my belief that it's never ending. With time, the pain will become more manageable but that huge loss will always be a part of who you are now. 🫂

And, I agree, eating alone is horrible, boring and sad. I used to love making lovely dinners.
Now? Although I eat properly, good nutritious meals, I make 4or 5 portions and either eat one a day, or freeze them and fish them out when I need to eat. Food no longer interests me.

FGT, it’s horrible, isn’t it? But they are still early days for you. You are doing so well, but there will always be the unexpected ambush!
It’s now nearly 4 years since my own darling died. I have learned to cope, but it’s the silly little things that set me off.
My worst was the first Christmas, I was in B&M with DD, I saw chocolate covered Brazil nuts. DH loved them.
My crying was done as I woke up, alone in my big bed. It’s horrible isn’t it?
It does get better, these “soggy days” as I call them, get fewer, but there still are days where I hide and howl.
Accept that all this is so much part of grieving. And never forget that “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”!

Ah you are all so lovely, sharing your own personal ‘pinches’ or just for darned well caring. Thank you.

Sometimes I think I’m going bonkers, my actions are so weird. For instance, a couple of days ago whilst washing my hands at the bathroom sink, I realised the sliver of soap in my hands was the last bar we had shared. I put that tiny piece of soap to one side as a keepsake. 🤷‍♀️

It's over 6 years since my husband died, and in a lot of ways life just goes on. My son lives with me now so there's someone to do the heavy stuff, and bring things home if I forget them. Obviously my two children are always here for me,but I can't help feeling that there's no one who cares the way my husband would have done. They would be upset if anything happens to me, but there wouldn't be the depth of feeling there was between the two of us.

Interestingly our take on grief just illustrates how different we all are. I have already written out some birthday cards in these weeks, my name only and was fine doing so.

Supermarket shopping has me grateful I’m not anxiously scouring the shelves in tears, looking for foods suitable for someone with an oesophageal mesh stent. So many foods would ‘snag’ so weren’t allowed by the hospital dietitian and then the restrictions on what he could eat weren’t easy either as he didn’t like them. I cried many hot tears last year in Sainsbury’s, constantly panicking, reading labels for hidden no-nos. So now? A joyful shop. I can buy whatever I fancy. Lucky me.

But … crikey, setting the table for one is hard isn’t it? Solo dining seems so sad to me. I’ve gone from living at home with my mum, dad and sister to being married at 20y, having never lived on my own before. I’m navigating choppy waters as best I can. It’s a whole new way of being.

Where do I fit in this New World order?

FGT what a sad time for you. I remember the very physical pain in the early days. I’ve not had an easy life, but that sharpness was something new. Real daggers of pain. They ease, but it’s a whole new world.

I remember walking round a supermarket in silent tears and not bothering if it was noticed, grief is so much bigger than that. Even if you love life, as I do, you somehow want to join your DH as it feels so lonely.
The small jars of Vaseline in a drawer he kept for his dry skin…little things and as for music he loved, I have to turn it off.

Thinking of you FGT🙏🏻💐

I’m so sorry for FGT and everyone crying for someone lost.
When my father was killed his clothes and watch were returned and I couldn’t believe that his watch was still ticking whilst he was so suddenly gone.

FGT2 I don't post that often, but always read your posts on the Good Morning thread. I just wanted to offer my support and send you a virtual hug. I still have my DH, thankfully, and can't imagine how I would cope if I lost him even though I am very close to my children and GC, who live very nearby.

Sending you all my best wishes and kind thoughts.

FGT I have those nudges all the time. Every time I run out of toilet roll. DH always restocked. Seeing mince pies on the shelf at Christmas had me running out of Waitrose in floods of tears. Every shop I went in to seemed to be playing Elvis,
It will be lonely this Christmas without you to hold.
Seeing DH’s glasses sitting on his bedside table. His favourite biscuits in the fridge. That toblerone he didn’t get round to finishing (it’s still there). So many, many nudges and they are still happening.
People say it’s early days as though it’s ok to feel this bad. Nearly two years for me and I have no idea how I’ve made it this far. The early weeks when I thought I was going insane shrieking and wailing,
My dear sister in law asking me innocently if things “were getting back to normal yet”!
Yes all those well meaning people who suddenly vanish from your life.
As for writing cards. I have told family I will have to keep putting DH’s name on to them. I can’t write a card excluding him.. They understand and are ok about it.
I thought I’d be able to keep occupied, sewing, reading etc. No one ever said I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything,
More than that is the loneliness which gets worse not better the more time passes.
Sending big hugs to all going through this.

I didn’t know it at the time fgt but I came to know afterwards that I suffered from anticipatory grief. So, I am interested in why the Psychiatrist says what he did. I’m hoping I can find this if I google.
Interesting thing about friends. One set were brilliant towards me both before and after. A couple who we have been close friends since teenage years I now feel that the wife uses things that are said to her for doing a gossip round to others and her husband who DH did a lot for over the years one way or another has never offered to do a thing for me (and there is a particular story behind that which I won’t go into here).

Life is certainly very different.
xx

Am so sorry FGT, I have not yet been in your shoes but a year and a half ago my DH had a massive stroke from which he has not recovered well and is a shadow of his former self. He is still with me, thank heavens but I mourn the life we have now both lost, he can’t remember our wedding day, the births of our children, and when I see pics of him on my phone prior to the stroke with us both leading full and active lives I weep.
I can’t imagine your grief but can only send hugs 😔🌹🌹

So many poignant posts and wise words. Thank you all for responding. I really appreciate your takes on this widowhood status. A club no-one wants to be in.

Thank you too to others, not widowed, but sending heartfelt condolences. Kindness of GN at its best.

I guess some days are just harder, more emotional than others.

I do very well. I’m loved by family and friends so I’m fortunate. My husband’s death was expected. We inched towards it all last year. Cancer is very cruel but thankfully he wasn’t in pain at the end, in the hospice where he close to end his days. Knowing it’s going to happen is known as ‘anticipatory grief’ apparently and Psychiatrist Professor Brice Pitt found that the worst effects of bereavement are avoidable by this type of grieving.

On another note, I’ve been surprised to find that one really does get to know who one’s friends are. Yes it’s early days and perhaps I’m expecting too much or being too ‘needy’. Time will tell. However I’ve been hurt by some couples - longstanding friends of 40+ years - who just send a WhatsApp (so easy!) “how are you doing?” type messages. I’ve already suggested (and actioned) first meet ups - going over on the bus - shamelessly inviting myself - and then … nada. I can’t just continue to nudge them so will have to wait and see what happens this summer.

What I need is a positive arrangement. “How are you? Wondering if you’d like to meet for the cinema next week /a meal/a drink” etc. Being proactive.

Some friends (not the ones I expected, much to my surprise) are doing this. Others, who I thought would be more in touch, nope. Maybe they just think I’m fine.

Not daft .. it is not daft at all. It is the tiny unexpected things that undo us.

It is hard I know ... very hard. Sending a hand hold, knowing it is not the same as a hug from your loved one.

DGD’s birthday in two days and DGS’s in a couple of weeks and writing their cards was so hard.

PS. I never wrote another Christmas card after DH died. Just couldn’t bring myself to sign it without his name.😭

Yes, missing the little things is so hard and you can feel so alone when it hits you.😞

It’s coming up to DH’s 11th anniversary (how can it be so long in some ways but only a moment ago in others?).

I’ve found the last few weeks difficult as my mind goes back to his final few weeks and how sad he was when he realised his time was running out. “I thought I had five years” he said to me. Breaks my heart all over again when I remember.💔

You’re doing so well, FGT but it’s inevitable that the tears will still fall and it’s good to share your sadness and not bottle it up.

As Shakespeare so aptly put it ‘Give sorrow words, the grief that dare not speak knits up the o’erwrought heart and bids it break’💐

I have no idea how you feel, all I can do is send you love and hugs, all of you who’ve suffered such a massive loss xx

PS warning to FGT and SueDonim - writing birthday cards and later in the year, Christmas cards on your own - be prepared.

I think it’s the little things too.
Realising that Paw had actually quietly stashed away some pension provision for me without telling me - because of over 10 years of ill health and hospital admissions he had not been able to continue with his career I was used to lurching from overdraft to overdraft and when he died I did not even know how I was going to afford his funeral.
That made me cry.
Seeing his handwriting on a random note -😢😢😢- but worst of all was a tiny DVD clip of us arriving at my aunt and uncle’s Ruby wedding do- somebody must have asked Paw how he was and hearing his standard reply “ Not too bad thank you” dissolved me.
But these would not hurt if they had not triggered happy memories.
“Do not weep because he is no more, but be glad because he was.”

I hear you, FGT. . I wrote a birthday card for someone today. My name on its own looked so lonely on the page.

I also looked for a birthday card for my dd, later this month. I saw one with ‘To Our Daughter’ on the front and it almost undid me. 😰

FGT2 such a sad post. Take care.