Not invited to funeral

My oldest friend is the same age as me 81, and we have known each other for 79 years. Our lives have varied and we havent lived near each other for many years, but keep in touch and try to meet up about 2 or 3 times a year , and it doesnt matter how long it is since we met ,we just carry on as if we had seen each other the day before. I do not know what funeral plans she or her family have made, but of course she is very important to me. I would follow whatever plan that has been made, and either would be there if I was wanted, and if not I would go to somewhere that we had visited together and take that day to think of her. When her lovely first husband died of cancer I was at the funeral and was asked to sing a solo, which I was honoured to do, even though it is hard to sing in such an emotional moment.

My granny was the most important person in my life, and was a wonderful person. She used to say "dont waste flowers on my grave, but give some to someone living to enjoy" I half stuck to her rules, by planting many small bulbs such as snowdrops and gentians on her grave, which over the years have multiplied. But my major thing I like to do is on special days, such as her birthday, my husbands birthday our wedding anniversary - when he always gave me flowers or a plant, and the precious memory of my first granddaughter who only lived 3 days, I like to buy simple bunches of flowers, not very ostentatious bouquets, or a cheering plant such as a pansy and give them as a little unexpected gift to someone. I do not tell them what these represent to me, simply offer them and say thought you might enjoy these freesias. I try to give them to a variety of people , from friends, to neighbours, or people that I know are having a tough time, and might just say, I was thinking of you today and hope these might cheer your day.

So I am following my grannies lovely ways, internally I say "this is to remember you granny or remembering how old my granddaughter would have been now. I have a very special place up at the top of swaledale, which is the place to go to for good or bad reasons to deal with things. That is always a place to remember special people in my life, and was where my husbands ashes were scattered, and where I want my ashes to be scattered. I have taken special people to have a picnic there and my son was with me when I scattered my husbands ashes, so much of the best and worst things in my life have been acknowledged there, from learning I had cancer for a second time , to the birth of my grandson. Another thing I have done , as quite a keen gardener, is to buy a plant for my garden, so that I walk round seeing my friends plants in the garden and seeing how they grow. Another small thing I have done occasionally is, if I am going to a meeting whether it is just a few friends, or a little class that I attend, I buy a cake or some nice biscuits as many people do for birthdays, but I just say, thought we might have a little treat. They do not need to know my private reasons, but it is my way of giving a little unexpected pleasure, and I find it rewarding on many levels. Perhaps something like this might be helpful for other GN's in the future.

Sarnia

That must be hard to take but when it comes to funerals you have to accept any wishes that the deceased has requested. In this case it looks like a very small funeral was what he wanted.
You say that you and many others will not be going to his funeral. If you are close enough to some of them why don't you get together for lunch and share your reminiscences that way

This is just what I was thinking. If you could contact some other friends and arrange a get together that would be lovely.

We have just had exactly the same.Sadly we have to respect the families wishes as we all react differently when events like this happen.
Could you have maybe a little get together with other friends and remember your friend through shared memories. This ,at help give you closure.

Our local funeral directors offer an ‘attended’ cremation, up to 15 can go, quite short, a bit of music, but no service as such.

This now sounds what I would like for DH and myself. Our AC and GC could go, then there could be a memorial service at our village church for others, not even on the same day.

Will have to think about it all.

@Madeleine45
But my major thing I like to do is on special days, such as her birthday, my husbands birthday our wedding anniversary - when he always gave me flowers or a plant, and the precious memory of my first granddaughter who only lived 3 days, I like to buy simple bunches of flowers, not very ostentatious bouquets, or a cheering plant such as a pansy and give them as a little unexpected gift to someone. I do not tell them what these represent to me, simply offer them and say thought you might enjoy these freesias. I try to give them to a variety of people , from friends, to neighbours, or people that I know are having a tough time, and might just say, I was thinking of you today and hope these might cheer your day.

What a lovely way to remember, and to be remembered. Thankyou to you and your Granny for this wonderful idea.

How sad for you. There is nothing stopping you quietly slipping into the Crematorium, sitting at the back & quietly slipping out immediately the service ends and leaving the site completely before anyone notices.
No one can legally stop you entering a crematorium.

Madeleine 45, I think your ways of remembering people dear to you are beautiful and I might try to adopt some of them. Thank you for sharing.

I have quite a few tubs and troughs in my garden, many of which have come from people I loved who are now passed on. I plant these up seasonally, and different ones will be for different people, and I plant them with either plants they used to like, or colours that reflect their personalities. This is something I don't share with other people.

I'm in total agreement with Monica
In my opinion funerals are for the bereaved. A plan made before death by the deceased which excludes people who wish to pay respects and show a life and love shared seems selfish to me.

Private funeral, costs less, no catering ,remember him as he was

Exactly what I thought Anrol. I don't think you can be stopped from going to someones funeral.

In these circumstances the families wishes need to be followed. Find out the time of the funeral, sit at home and raise a glass or a cup of tea to your friend.

Anrol

How sad for you. There is nothing stopping you quietly slipping into the Crematorium, sitting at the back & quietly slipping out immediately the service ends and leaving the site completely before anyone notices.
No one can legally stop you entering a crematorium.

So it doesn't matter if you deceive them do what they don't want and do what you want as long as they dont know about it?

Im not sure Im very comfortable with that, though I can’t explain why.

Difficult. But these are just our 'man-made' traditions - and they can change over time.
Make your own way to mark your friend's passing. Something that was meaningful to you both - or possibly with other friends at another time? (If they doesn't feel like a rival celebration. That would not be kind.)
You could send flowers if they are having flowers? The undertaker will know. x

Both my DD and DH wanted only family at their funeral. I actually felt it was much more personal than the usual open service when anyone who knew of them but didn't really have an indepth relationship can attend. Those who were not invited did make contact in their own way and understood it was the deceased's wish. For my DD her colleagues had their own event at work and created a Book of Remembrance for her hysband. My DHs ex colleagues went for a walk and lunch to acknowledge him. Why not do something similar to acknowledge the loss of your friend.

In the year before my MIL died, she expressed to my DH that she didn't want any of the 'relations' invited to the funeral. He tried to talk her out of it, particularly as one of his Uncle's had helped his Mum and Dad out a lot financially when they were young and trying to get on the housing ladder, but she was having none of it. As a good son would do, he did as she requested. Now, not one of his relations will have anything to do with him, because they weren't allowed to come to the funeral. I really resent that she did this, because she wasn't the one who had to bear the brunt of her relations upset, my DH was.

I am saddened by families refusing access to funerals of their relatives. When funerals were held in a church no-one could be excluded from the service, but with crematoriums the undertakers seem to control the proceedings according to the wishes of the family.
Some families seem resentful of the fact that their relative had a life outside that of the family, that many people loved them and that they were also part of their lives.
Sitting alone in a room raising a glass does not help with grief.

Anyone can attend a funeral. Invitations seem peculiar!

Monica ''I still think going off and sorting your funeral out without consultation is a selfish act."
I disagree with this, I think the exact opposite that it's a very unselfish thing to do. At a time of such turmoil all the closest people have to do is follow the request of the deceased, no contacting/quibbling with other close relatives etc to decide on type of service, hymns, readings and a myriad of other things at a time of intense grief. Poor state of affairs if you can't decide your own farewell without consultation or trying to please everyone with their different ideas.
Good job we're all different!

Nanny27

I'm in total agreement with Monica
In my opinion funerals are for the bereaved. A plan made before death by the deceased which excludes people who wish to pay respects and show a life and love shared seems selfish to me.

How could it show any respect for the deceased, to ignore and over-ride their very last wishes ?

knspol

Monica ''I still think going off and sorting your funeral out without consultation is a selfish act."
I disagree with this, I think the exact opposite that it's a very unselfish thing to do. At a time of such turmoil all the closest people have to do is follow the request of the deceased, no contacting/quibbling with other close relatives etc to decide on type of service, hymns, readings and a myriad of other things at a time of intense grief. Poor state of affairs if you can't decide your own farewell without consultation or trying to please everyone with their different ideas.
Good job we're all different!

Quite often the very things you list are part of the grieving process. I have no experience of families fighting over funeral arrangements, but I do know that when my sister died, she was single and our parents were both still alive, my father, went into automatic army officer mode and arranged the funeral and merely told my surviving sister and I what we were to do. I found being cut out of making any contribution to the arrangements for the funeral difficult to deal with. All three of us were in our 40s, so not children and the 2 of us knew far more about our deceased sister's life than our parents did.

My sister and I spent the wake explaining discretely to her friends why there was no music at the funeral when music was central to her life. It would never occurred to my parents to ask one of the choirs she belonged if they could provide some singers or approach any of her musical friends about the music. It was not something their generation and background did and they would not have known who to ask, but my sister and I could have arranged it.

Why insist in arranging a funeral for your self that may upset and distress even more those who most grieve you?