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Bereavement

Lockdown and dying parent

(71 Posts)
Jen67patte Fri 16-Oct-20 11:38:39

Hello all, anyone in the same boat?... my father is passing away. They are in a lockdown area and I’ve consequently not been able to visit.
I feel so bad about it but I’m doing the right thing in protecting my family from C19??
I didn’t want to stand in front of him wearing a mask and not be able to hug him.
Pressure from mother is making me feel guilty. 😩

crazyH Fri 16-Oct-20 11:40:36

Oh how difficult, how sad !flowers

tanith Fri 16-Oct-20 11:44:38

I understand how hard that must be but I don’t honestly think I’d be able to stay away from a dying loved one. I’d take all precautions I could, but in these times we all have to make decisions that we’d rather not. You have to do what’s right for you and your family I’m so sorry that your Dad is so I’ll.

Grannybags Fri 16-Oct-20 11:47:56

I assume your Dad is at home? If so I would have to go to see him.

Sorry you are going through this sad time flowers

Smileless2012 Fri 16-Oct-20 11:48:43

I agree with tanith. If your parents have been careful, and you take all the necessary precautions.

This is a terrible position for you to be in Jen I'm so sorry. Talk to your family to see how they feel about you going to visit. In your position, if my family were supportive, I'd go
flowers.

B9exchange Fri 16-Oct-20 11:51:15

I would be unable to stay away. I was reading about the daughter who couldn't bear her father's tears in his care home, and effectively kidnapped him and brought him home. Very brave and a huge commitment, but she can sleep easier at night.

Riverwalk Fri 16-Oct-20 12:01:06

As far as I'm aware there is nothing in the legislation that prevents you from visiting your dying father.

It's your personal choice as to whether you visit him.

Katyj Fri 16-Oct-20 12:01:25

I would go. My mum is in hospital at the moment, improving thank goodness but I’ve had the conversation with my Dh that if the hospital said I could go I would. You could wear your mask and hold his hand still keeping a bit of distance. So sorry flowers

SueDonim Fri 16-Oct-20 12:12:09

flowers

Where I live in Scotland, you are permitted to visit terminally ill people. My friend is visiting her father who is nearing the end of his life.

Charleygirl5 Fri 16-Oct-20 12:20:50

That is a dreadful dilemma but I agree with tanith I also would be unable to stay away. You do not want that on your conscience in years to come. I would get up and go with as many precautions as reasonable.

Marydoll Fri 16-Oct-20 12:22:00

SueDonim, I was just about to post the same thing. I can remember NS talking about that very scenario and saying those are exceptional circumstances.
I would go!

Hithere Fri 16-Oct-20 12:46:14

What a difficult situation

"Pressure from mother is making me feel guilty. 😩"
Is this pressure for her own wishes or your father's?

What does your father really want? I would take his wishes into account and make an assessment of the risk for your parents, your family and yourself and then make a decision.

Have you tried videochatting?

Illte Fri 16-Oct-20 13:09:48

I think it's your mother who is feeling in need of support.

Personally, if it was at all possible, I would go and stay with her if the time is short. I left my young family for two weeks when my mother was dying and my son came to me to be with me for his father's last days.

Then you could isolate until you felt it was safe to return to your wider family.

It's just a thought.

BlueBelle Fri 16-Oct-20 13:57:08

Oh my goodness if he’s at home you wouldn’t be able to keep me away what could be more important than holding his hand and helping your mother to feel easier
What is actually stopping you Do you mean he is dying from Covid if not why can’t you be with him ? I don’t understand

I moved in with my dad for three weeks when he was dying I couldn’t have not

bikergran Fri 16-Oct-20 14:46:05

I have along with many others Im sure have just been through this situation. My dad also has Parkinsons so he needed help.

My mum had been diagnosed with Cancer, she was 85 fit/swimming/walking.

She became ill and of course was terminal.Once she stopped going out and became worse, I had! to go and visit/help/shop etc.Eventualy carers came in.
I never stopped going, I took all precautions that I possibly could.

There was no way I was not going to see my mum.

I spent two weeks staying at their flat sleeping there etc, the district nurses in and out.

My mum passed 5 weeks ago, I would not have changed a thing.Yes I took the risk because of where I work.

My mum died with the cancer not anything else (not Covid) She didn't want to go in the Hospice .

You have to do what you think is right for you, not what other people think.Just go with your instinct and keep safe taking precautions. Thats all we can do.

Spinnaker Fri 16-Oct-20 15:26:22

At such a heartbreaking time absolutely nothing would keep me away. So sorry you're having to deal with this flowers

EllanVannin Fri 16-Oct-20 15:35:26

Wild horses wouldn't stop me if I was in that situation. I'd have to be there for all sorts of reasons, it would be my duty, regardless.
What a terrible time x

EllanVannin Fri 16-Oct-20 15:37:58

I was with mum, dad and husband and couldn't have imagined being anywhere else at that time.

Esspee Fri 16-Oct-20 15:44:30

For my father I would ignore any rule or law to be with him before he dies.

HAZBEEN Fri 16-Oct-20 15:49:59

Jen67patte can I ask are you in the UK and if so how far away are your parents? If you can travel to them I would go, never mind any rules.

Humbertbear Sat 17-Oct-20 09:58:34

My mother will be 100 in a few days and lives on her own. My sister, my daughter and myself visited Her right thru lockdown. Every day one person made a Short visit . We are in tier 2 and we will all be with her for birthday. You need to go and visit your dad.

Harris27 Sat 17-Oct-20 10:17:01

I would hate to be in this situation. It is a dilemma but I would take the Chance and necessary precautions you may regret it later if you don’t.

GirlyGran Sat 17-Oct-20 10:19:01

I too believe you should think carefully and go to visit your Dad.
You may regret your decision not to go in the future and I think your Mum may need support.

maddyone Sat 17-Oct-20 10:32:53

Go to see your Dad, you will regret it in the future if you don’t.

Cp43 Sat 17-Oct-20 10:36:28

You have to go and visit. Wear mask etc whatever it takes.
You’ll regret it if you don’t and your mother’s mental health will suffer as well.