stepgrand children and my obligation to them

I get the impression you're not keen on having the 4 year old to stay for holidays (presumably on his/her own?) but surely this is the perfect time to teach him/her how to behave in your home?
My own 4 year old DGS is whiney and shouty at mum's house, but within 24 hours of getting here all of that stops, because I tell him I don't want to play with him if he's going to whine/shout/be nasty. I also make him make his bed, put his pyjamas under the pillow, clean his teeth, wash his face - and he does everything without a murmur because I've always been firm and consistent that these are things he must do.
His mum (DD) is neither firm nor consistent so he argues every step of the way with her, and then she tries to wheedle him into doing things (so guess where he learned to whine!).
If you teach stepG how to behave in your house, maybe his parents will learn from him/her next time they all visit together?

Thank you for that very good advice. Good on you - little 4 year old needs to learn to do things like make bed. Like yours, the 4 year old's mother(and father) are not firm - just don't have any control. I will put your advice into practise - and those tantrums(!) he is not going to be rewarded for those either.
I just will not have him for lots of holidays so they can have holidays and go travelling etc. Some people just seem to think that they can go on just as before. The mother's real gran does everything for them, taking him off their hands much of the time(and she has just retired, so she has even more time for cute 4 year old) She wants to protect her daughter, perhaps from the hardship and responsibility of child rearing. Who knows.

Perhaps because DGS is my own blood, I love having him! But I only get him for a week on his own which is secretly my favourite as mum being around doesn't help. I'm happy for her to go off for a week abroad while I have him, but more than a week and I'd be exhausted! Plus I want to spend most of my holidays from work abroad

This is rather difficult. To be honest I think you are being a bit dogmatic here; and that your expectations might be awry.

I have yet to meet a 4 year old boy who makes his bed! - what the heck does that matter? I don't make mine some days.

You are very critical of this young woman's child rearing, but everyone does this difficult job in their own way, and maybe that needs to be respected.

Personally I would be delighted to see my children get a rest and a holiday and would be happy to help them out with child care.

My DM was a nanny (children's nurse) and used to say that there was something lovable about every child.
I suppose with some children it is more difficult, but, as the adult, you can be the one to be his friend if not his actual granny. (If you have any energy left after all that cooking that is) Can your DH be persuaded to play games with him, he is getting to be old enough to play snakes and ladders etc. Tell him it's not boring, he is helping his DGS learn in a fun way.

There wasn't meant to be a there!
I was thinking of another thread where I decided not to contribute.

I'm surprised at those who advocate the 'doormat' approach!

But I can see that you're in a weak position here, as you live in OH's house, and he thinks that you have to put up with his children just turning-up when they like with little notice, show you no respect and expect to leave a four-year old whilst they they off on holiday.

I simply wouldn't put up with it.

I suppose it depends on how much you value your relationship with OH.

Setting aside the idea of whether 4 year olds should make their own beds or not #). This young woman doesn't do any child rearing(whether good or bad)nothing to criticise - she just expects others to do it, and I even find this very difficult and unfair to write about her, feel dreadful - in fact I will regret posting this. She has her mother and father(separated) living in the same town and it is just unbelievable the amount of responsibility they take. Also her partner(my partner's son) is not working so what about his ability to contribute to things. She has very good nursery round the corner where he goes when she goes to her job. I have contact with a lot of little ones and always had lots of children in my house when my daughter was growing up and good friends with them now, and their children.
I have and do give unreservedly, but it is just that old saying 'give an inch take a mile'.
I do not run around my daughter and her little ones, but I have noticed she does get the 2 year old to 'help', like tidy up toys - bit more proactive. I don't criticise her parenting. But, a real daughter is different I have been thinking.
You may be very surprised to hear that I get on extremely well with this 4 year old - he follows me around and last time told me he wanted to stay here(albeit with a ferocious tantram where I got the most hateful looks and kicking, in the car next to him all the way to the railway station). I don't hold this against him - I suppose it was my responsibility to say stop that or something, not his parents?

My apologies folks - don't want to get into self justification.
Think it is useful airing views and reading other peoples opinions.

I can't quite see the problem here, except that your relationship with your stepchild and partner is a bit awry.

What is the difference between helping with step-GC and your own? They are just children. And none are angels.

All you have to do is, as you would with biological GC, to say yes to helping when you are able and happy to, and say no when you are not.

I don't get the whole doormat thing. Why would you be a doormat when helping someone out?

Lucky unless I've misread the OP my reference to doormat was because of the family turning up with a day or two notice, not helping with anything or even a word of thanks in seven years, and the OH being less than supportive as he doesn't want a rift.

OP said they sit and do nothing and she does everything including looking after the 4-year old, and is shown no respect.

I'd call that a doormat!

IMO it's because she's living in OH's house and they feel entitled to behave in such a manner and treat her this way - they wouldn't be able to do that if the house were hers.

Indeed Riverwalk. In the op there was only a very small mention of the 4 year old. I presumed it was about all of the above.

Well done!!! (your decision to go away on your own for Christmas)

Much respect.

Please let us know if it has any beneficial effect on the buggers your DH's kids.

And have a lovely time.

I get the doormat thing. Heidi you received no respect or thanks for looking after your other step grandchildren, say no, not again. While I would treat grandchildren and step grandchildren the same, babysitting grandchildren for my partner's ungrateful children for the next fifteen years (the four year old has a younger sibling) as something I would refuse to do. Doing something that isn't working for you is pointless, it is just going to make you miserable.

You haven't mentioned your DP doing his share in any of your posts, does he cook, clean or tidy up after his children and grandchildren. Stop being a doormat to your DP's children. They don't treat you with respect and don't deserve your kindness. I agree, go somewhere else for Christmas. You are not his family's unpaid servant.

My children who were at the time in their teens and early twenties were very rude to my ex husband's then partner. She wasn't the cause of our breakup and had done nothing wrong. I told them to stop it, I found their behaviour disrespectful. I think it is jealousy that brings out rudeness to a parent's new partner.

Thank you all your comments I have been thinking about them all. It has all improved in my mind. I have decided to be very firm, lay my boundaries. I think they must have their own issues about me, as is probably quite natural, but they have no right to treat me like a doormat, as some of you have pointed out! So far I have made it all lovely, but next time, for example, I will not watch/play with child if I am doing the cooking. I will expect my partner to do more - If he will not then there will be row. So your advice has been very good. I am not saying they won't be made to feel welcome but I am prepared to say something like you will inherit this house but at the moment it is MY home. Xx

Partner knows I am going away at Christmas, he in fact suggested it. We are all entitled to have a life and enjoy it, not just be there for some people who are not even beginning to make a start with bringing up their own children. So you see.....xx

Good for you.

Your partner's children sound like a nightmare of sorts: rude, lazy and irresponsible. However, they are not likely to change so you might have to accommodate their behaviour at Christmas. The house, however, is another matter and FAR MORE IMPORTANT. If you have married this invalidates previous wills and EVERYTHING including the house should come to you so you will not have to leave your home on bereavement should the worst happen. If your husband has made another will he might have bequeathed his half of the property to his children. If you don't know it's worth finding out but discreetly as you don't want to give him ideas if he hasn't! If you can discuss these things sensibly and you trust him you should make equal wills leaving everything to the other to secure futures alone.

What a difficult situation. I agree with Teacher11 that your security is probably the important thing here. If you're not married and your DP has not made a will making provision for you to stay in the house if he dies, then you will have no home. From what you say, I doubt if his family would let you stay on the house (I'm assuming it's not rented).

Perhaps this is at the bottom of the problem and it's as much about lack of security and respect from your DP, than how his family behave. Maybe deep down you aren't able to feel like the house is also your home because you are not able to feel safe in the knowledge that if your DP dies, you will still have a home. I would not feel equal in a partnership if this was the situation because at the end of the day I am living in someone else's house.

The knock on effect on from this would be you don't feel able to act in your normal way when your DP's family visits. I do agree with trying to make their visits a pleasant time because your DP doesn't get to see his family very often. It is a bit of a problem that this situation has lasted for 7 years. But you should be able to feel you can have a say about what is and is not acceptable when they are staying and it sounds like that isn't happening because you do not have your DP's support to do so. This would bother me, no matter how much I try to accept it, but perhaps you are able to get passed this.

I also think going away at Christmas without your DP and at his suggestion also shows his lack of support for you. He probably thinks it's the ideal solution, but why can't you go away together? And if you go on your own, who is going to be doing everything you normally do? Who ever it is could be helping you!

Sorry to sound so presumptuous, but I think it's the basis of your relationship with your DP that is the real problem. Perhaps you are happy when his family are not around because the issue of your security is not highlighted in the way it is when they visit. I am not saying you have to make your DP choose between you and his family, just that perhaps the problem is the balance is too skewed towards them.

I have two friends who found themselves having to move out of their homes in to rented accommodation in their sixties because their partners died without making a provision for them to remain in his house. It was a terrible time for both of them because not only did they lose the person they love, they lost their home too. In both cases they got on well with their partner's children and they were not rushed, but they still had to move out in the end.

Apologies for such a long post.

If OH is in favour of a Christmas away then go and enjoy it!

One advantage of going away an your own at Christmas is that it will give you time to think about things.

With regard to a previous post about the home.
Op refers to partner so I presume they are not married.
Does op have her name on the deeds.
If her name is on the deeds is it 'joint' or is it 'tenants in common'.
If joint, and dp dies then the home belongs in its entirety to op.
If tenants in common, and dp dies, then op only owns her half and do can decide what happens to his half.

Money box live radio 4 at 3pm today is about co-habitees and their rights, or lack of them.

Couldn't your partner take your side by suggesting they help? Not obviously but by saying something like ' That was a lovely meal and you look tired. You sit down and we'll all do the dishes. In our house it was a tradition that the men washed up after Christmas dinner. Sounds as though he could gently, but definitely let them know that you are important to him. Doesn't have to be done loudly but if he includes himself in the suggestions of helping you they might follow his lead. Also if the small children are rude to you, perhaps he could be the one to step in and back you up. If you keep it low key, positive but gentle it is less likely to lead to unpleasantness, but the message should get through - hopefully.