Near the end of my tether

I know how Awful early dementia is. A visit to care home is needed, by appointment so they can set aside time for you. Say it as it is, and tell them how it's affecting you. In order to help care for someone long term, first you need to look after yourself or your health will suffer and u won't be able to help.
A coloured in timetable may help. Decide how many days you will visit a week and colour it in. ( you can always add surprise visits if u want to see how things are when ur not expected. ) any regular things can be coloured. A specific time for him to phone you can be coloured in. Def organise volunteer visitors e.g. For cards. If he sees something is on each day that might settle him.

I am in exactly the same position although both my parents at 95 and 96 are in care. My mum has dementia and seems happy in her own little world but my dad is still trying to control everything. I go three times a week but have made it clear I also need holidays. Before they moved into the care home I had not dared go away for 5 years as I was constantly having to pick one of them up from the floor etc.
I am quite firm with my dad and told him that if he needs a catheter change, a doctor or a chiropodist he is to ask in the home and not ring me. They are being paid a lot of money to care for him and my mum. They have been there now, at their own instigation I must say, since September and things are getting better. Of course he has a list when I arrive each time - things to buy, things to tell me, things to moan about, but he is getting more relaxed. He still regards himself as my mother's carer although hopefully that is waining too as he sees how well they are looking after her.
My sister in law spent her mother's last few years visiting every day in the hope that she could make her happy but it didn't work as she had never been happy in her life. There is only so much you can do and unless you have a break you will be unfit to do anything.

My sympathies - the passage of time seems to be perceived differently for people with dementia. I visit MIL every Thursday at her care home - I've got off lightly. She looks forward to these but insists that her son (my BIL) hasn't been round for ages - not true. She knows my routine but can't seem to remember that BIL goes every Sunday and Tuesday.
He went through the constant phone calls when she was in hospital until he told the nurses not to let her use the phone.
The only comfort is knowing that this won't last forever, sorry. Don't feel guilty - this situation is not your fault.

All that worry will not be good for I.B.S. sometimes we have to put ourselves first. He is being well looked after and you r doing your best. Could u agree to phone him instead of visiting some days?

Irregular visiting also keeps the care staff on their toes. They never know when you're coming either!

And try, do try not to let the guilt get to you. You'll always feel you're not doing enough, but you are. More than. (Perhaps there should be an AARGH thread!)

I empathise. Like Nfk I've got the T-shirt.
All good advice here. Just remember to put yourself first now and then

NFK - thanks so much - it helps to find a fellow sufferer!! I`m afraid that I do sometimes tell fibs - the care home once phoned my mobile and I said I was at my daughter`s when in fact I was very near by! Then I had to remember not to answer the land-line! I agree that dropping in at irregular times is probably better - I usually go about 2 and if it gets to quarter past he`ll be on the phone.
I do feel terrible about this - he is still my dad and I want him to be happy - and he is not likely to be with us much longer - but I really can`t go on as I have been. The sad thing is that it is spoiling all my memories of him, wheras my brother who sees him rarely still thinks Dad is wonderful

Been there, done it, got the tee-shirt and the mug and the tea towel! Dad wasn't so bad as mum was still alive then and he had cancer which brought on dementia so couldn't use his phone.

Mum on the other hand ...! She was in a care home five minutes away. What she really wanted was for me to go in after breakfast and stay until tea time. Just wanted me there. Her comfort blanket. When I wasn't she phoned for the least reason. When we wanted to go away to visit DD1 and the DGC for a long weekend she worried incessantly about how she would cope. In the end I burst into tears in the corridor as I thought I'd have to cancel (which was causing problems with DH) and one of the carers gave me a cuddle and took charge and told me I was to go. I needed the break.

I'm sorry to say I used to tell fibs. It's necessary for survival. Your parent is turning into a child - but with the knowledge, craft and experience of an adult. It's their survival mechanism and you have to find yours. I volunteer at an NT pile with no mobile reception and I'm afraid I used that as an excuse many times. Mobile reception around is is bad anyway. I'm sure where you are it's terrible too - isn't it! And you are out a lot - aren't you! If I didn't answer the phone mum would leave a message and I would get back but not always straight away. I found that dropping in at irregular times worked for me too - otherwise she would clock watch and I'd be in trouble if I was late or if I needed to change the time. I expect you're also told there's been no visitor in days - even when you know there has.

Do speak to the care home manager and make friends with his carers. They appreciate your support, you're part of his care team. They have breaks and you need them too. I also found a lot of support from this lot on GN. There are many members of AARGH (Aged Awkward Relatives Group Help) here!

Although I haven't personally had to deal with this, to judge from friends with elderly parents/spouses, this kind of behaviour seems incredibly common.

It is also incredibly wearing for the relative - in one case, a friend was phoned/texted twenty times in two hours! Sometimes the problem is that the relative forgets they have already called you and so repeatedly does the same thing.

You do need some respite from this so I'm wondering if a social timetable would help you and your father? That seems to work for some people. Each day has its events on it (maybe even include a time of day for your father to call you?) and have it set out a bit like an old-fashioned school timetable, so pink = shopping, blue = phoning you etc.

It is so hard to know what is the right thing to do, but it is not unusual when someone has early stage dementia for them to over relie on the person closest to them. Hard though it is, it helps if to set some boundries. You know he is not alone and being cared for so there is someone else to help him. One way is visit on specific days each week, so if he phones in between tell him you will be in on .... I found the staff picked up on my regular days and would on days I did not visit remind Mum I would be in another day. Your Dad should have a named carer, could you ask to meet with this carer and talk through the problem and how they can support your Dad better.

He hasn`t had an official diagnosis of dementia but all the signs are there - poor short term memory, unable to organise himself plus the inability to make decisions. Physically he has advanced heart failure and his kidneys are starting to fail.
Ladygracie - I have wondered if my being there so much is stopping him from getting involved with the activities. Last week he actually had visitors or went out every day but was still pressurising me take him shopping because he didn`t want to have a whole day in the home.
I will look into finding a volunteer visitor for him - he says he wants someone to play bezique (cards) with and I can`t bear it!

My MIL was in a lovely care home in Dorset, there were lots of outings and activities for the residents and the staff were fantastic, they asked families in some cases to only visit once or at most twice a week as some residents were unsettled and became difficult for the staff with more visits. Obviously we were kept updated when necessary. MIL passed away in February, at the funeral staff who were able to attend did, we had a collection for the homes social fund. On the other hand the care home my father was in was dire!

Goor suggestion re AgeUk trisher. Alzheimers Society also have people who will visit, as do RVS. A friend of mine does One to One for Alzheimers and takes his person out to garden centres.

I presume he has had a diagnosis of dementia? Being unable to make decisions is often one of the first signs of Alzheimer's Didease.

I think you have to be quite firm and tell the care home you will not be available on certain days. You could start with one day and build on that. You do need to take care of yourself as well. You could cut down on answering his calls, no need to feel guilty about this. It's a difficult situation with someone you love but sometimes a bit of tough love is required too. If you are ill you will be unable to help your father at all. Bon courage.

He has been at the carehome 8 months now and they are absolutely fantastic - especially on the days when he gets particularly anxious. He has also made friends with another resident and can go and chat to him. Even so he seems to have to involve me in everything - he recently misplaced his address book and instead of looking for it instantly phoned me to ask for a number he wanted - I hadn`t got it and shortly after he phoned again to tell me he`d found the book! I think the dementia is also affecting his ability to make decisions so he wants me to decide everything for him.
This must all sound rather trivial but it is really getting to me. I`m afraid I don`t always answer the phone now if I see it is his mobile number. He knows we have a weeks holiday booked for September and is already panicking about it.

So sorry to hear about your problem eddiecat78. Perhaps your dad just needs a bit of company and you are the only person he can call on. Would he accept a visitor who wasn't family if so Age UK have a scheme for once a week visitors. I wonder how he would react if you told him you wanted to go for a brea. Perhaps he is just settling in and things may improve. Hope so.

I think some of the responsibility to stop this lies with the care home. You could tell the staff that you will not be going every day and could they help your father ope with your absences.

The staff are naturally going to rely on you as they will be so busy but you are entitled to expect them to look after him when you can't get there. Speak to the manager and explain your health issues and rhe fact that it is all too much for you.