Can't cope sometimes

luckyrose, first of all, loads of . People have said it all already, but just to emphasise a) you are entitled to a Carer's Assessment from SS b) your mother WILL get help towards respite/full time care if her assets are below £23k c) losing the plot is understandable and inevitable! I looked after DH with dementia for 15 years, and I can attest to that! You are so worried about your daughter, it has brought this to a head (btw, they will probably be doing several diagnostics and will be able to tell her the same day if she needs treatment, hence the 3 hours). Please make this the opportunity to review what you are doing. Ultimately, and possibly quite soon, your mother will need professional care, and it is always better to start off the process when you have a choice rather than wait until you break down or she has an accident, when choices will be limited. All the very best to you, and please come on here to vent when you need to!

I really feel for you , we had to be quite frankly ‘arseholes’ to get my mum in law into a home . Because she lived in a council house they didn’t want to give her a care Home place . We supported her at home as much as we could , but she didn’t know day from night , wandered about at all times of the day and night and couldn’t get herself home . She was dirty , under nourished dehydrated and unable to co-operate with anyone . We were lucky after an immense struggle to get her a place in a lovely home , I think not only do we feel the burden of caring for our frail elderly parents it is the feet that in a few years this is what is coming to us x

hi there, the Alzheimers society has a website with a chat forum. Think it's called 'Talking Point' if I remember rightly. It covers everything, legal, emotional & practical help. I found it very supportive when helping a relative with long hospital stays, move to care home,increasing dementia, power of attorney ..... No matter your situation you will find, someone who has been there & can empathise. we all want our relatives safe, warm & fed and even that can seem impossible at times. Best wishes to you x

I empathise with your situation as my family have recently began looking after my mother who has Altzheimers but is still able to live at home with support from her family. I am lucky to live 10 miles away so visiting is easy and have two siblings to share the support. My own mobility is greatly restricted until I have my knees replaced!

Re funding for a care home, your mums local authority will have to pay for a place if your mum has savings of less than £23,000 (approx) and does not own her house.. I suggest you contact them to ask for an assessment with social services, stressing to them how vulnerable she is, her falls etc and poor diet. You need to be present when they do it so that you can make sure they know the real situation. They are obliged to do this but might try to fob you off.

You could also contact Alzeimers Society who have a helpline and also a forum for carers who are very supportive.

Yes, and if they do a fine needle aspiration the resulting fluid will need to be analysed in their lab. If it looks like lager, it's a cyst!

It is a place to moan. And to share our stories. I am shocked at the appalling provision for the elderly. It breaks my heart.
I managed to get my mum intoa nursing home near me when she was 94. She didn't want to leave her home so after falling on the floor lay there for three days wantng to die. I was 250 miles away. Kept ringing phone apparently engaged she had taken it off the hook. She hadn't pressed the button round her neck, She kept all that secret. I was so pleased she was found and saved by a cousin who went round when we all thought her engaged tone as odd. And after 3 months in hospital in London I managed to get her up to Leeds into a nursing home where I was able to visit her every day till she died 10 months later. I was lucky - her house paid. In truth the NHS should have paid as she was in need of medical nursiing care and not just residential. It is a massive problem.
As well as for you I feel so much for your mum. As we become as helpless as we were as babies there for the grace of god go we. As a civilised society we must fight politically for this. Decent full time care where we are safe and clean and warm in our dotage is something that shouldn't be left entirely in the private sector - for the haves - not the have nots. It is truly disgusting.
Good luck with your daughter. Another massive worry. Big hug

You don't know it's cancer. Most breast lumps are benign. They've given her a 3 hour appointment so that any Xrays or scans can be analysed by the relevant experts and results given to her immediately and if necessary, a plan of action decided. I think that's a good idea. I had to go back twice!

My DD, aged forty, had a 3 hour appointment just yesterday. I think it's because after a mammogram, if any concern, they will then use ultrasound, which then may lead to the necessity for a biopsy. After the ultrasound, my daughter waited to see a doctor who said all was well. There are waits between all these steps, hence the length of time allocated for the appointment. The doctor said that 50% of the time, nothing further is required, so fingers crossed.

Oh that’s an awful situation. Of course you’re worried about your daughter, and that anxiety makes things much worse! I think the long appointment is standard, as they do a whole range of tests, and it includes a consultation. Most people are fine, so fingers crossed!

Oh dear luckyrose. You have my sympathy having been in your position with my poor mum who also lived at home alone for years before having to go into nursing care and who also had dementia.
All you can do is your best, which is what you are doing. I can say try and be patient but if it all gets too much dont beat yourself up either.
Best not to argue....gets you nowhere. Its an awful situation. Do come back for a bit of support because there are many here who understand.

She is well below the threshold and she lives in a one bed housing association flat. Just had a phone call from continence nurse saying the samples she had sent round mum says she won't wear them. So we have to carry on with the expensive pull ups which she finds hard to change with tights etc. I told her wear them because what if I refuse to go and buy them I will get them myself she says( she is housebound. I don't know why I even try to argue,

Yes, if your mum has less than £23,000 in savings (I think it is) the council has to step in and help.

Is there any way you/she could afford a live-in carer? As your mum doesn't need nursing care and is mobile, one person should be enough.

Doesn't growing old sound horrendous

"There is no money in the local council to pay for mum to go there"

Decisions about admission to a care home and how it is paid for are based on need and not on how much the LA has in its coffers. Your Mum needs a proper assessment from them and if she needs care in a home, then there is a financial formula for who pays and how - but they cannot refuse her the care because they have a tight budget - they have a legal duty to provide that care.

Right I really have to go now temporarily. Yes you are so kind. Yes Annesixty I know where you are coming from and normally. It would not affect me and I should think myself lucky and I can walk away,I have had two calls since my first posting . One the control centre at mums saying someone gave the wrong password to get into the sheltered housing. So would not let the carer in . I spoke to the care agency. Then the carer which luckily I know this one got in by ringing someone else's bell. Or mum would not have got her Wiltshire farm foods lunch. It's daily life people phoning me .about mum. Then a really sad call my cousin called his grandson is very poorly little lad with a brain tumour. He fought it once and survived. Does not look too good now. I am off now to get out the Christmas decorations.

luckyrose62 you really do have my sympathy. No one can know the complexities of others lives and we do not know what we will cope with and what we will find difficult.

My mother had her 97th birthday on Tuesday, has Alzheimer's, has been blind in one eye for years and has now nearly lost the sight in the other and also has mobility problems - oh and she's deaf too. I do not say this for sympathy but to tell you that I had to give myself a talking to the other day. These things have, as they do, all got worse gradually and I have got older too.

Last week she lost the hearing aid from the better ear and blocked her kitchen sink. It wasn't her fault but not having things fixed instantly makes her anxious which triggers a fairly high level of anxiety in me. I was rushing round trying to contact the insurers for her hearing aid and unblock the sink. That was when I stopped and talked to myself. Mum has insurance in place for the unblocking of sinks - why was I trying to do it myself? We got that sorted and it triggered me to ring the local authority to ask for a sensory assessment as it is the blindness together with the Alzheimer's that is causing the upsurge in the problems.

I wonder if it is time for you to call on some outside assessment and help. I am always amazed at the simple things that make life easier - although that doesn't stop me wishing there was more actual help available so I could just love my mum.

Also, have you had your own health checked. I put things down to the stress of caring which turned out to be minor enough to be able to be improved fairly easily - but it has made a tremendous difference. For example, my GP and I agreed that I was suffering from anxiety - not surprising in the circumstances but, just to cross all the 't's, etc., he sent off a blood test. It turned out I have low thyroid. No wonder I was always cripplingly tired! Tablets and time to adjust and I am better able to cope (some of the time).

I don't know if this will help but I hope writing on GN does. I think it makes us feel less alone on what can be a bit of a lonely path.

Lucky rose, I don't have any advice other than that given by other posters, just to say I am sorry you are going to through this and wish you all the best. Gransnet is a great place to post and get practical advice. Hugs and

Yes lucky girl she does know me, she doesn't know that I have just been and sometimes thinks I live in the same flats. She is at the with it stage sometimes and totally talks weird at other times. My mum in law is like the living dead and father in law is talking about the past as if we were there. . They are being cared for wonderfully well in a care home with lovely carers. There is no money in the local council to pay for mum to go there. It's not one of the expensive ones.
I think I am feeling more upset about my daughter who works full time and has a 3 year old , her hubby went off with another woman almost two years ago and lives out of the area. She has just got her own house and car. Life seemed to be picking up for her, now this breast cancer lump. I keep thinking what if!!!!!

Honestly - right now I could cry! I see my lovely parents in law being worn down emotionally by the demands of caring for two mentally ill relatives and time and time again I come across carers who are struggling so hard and trying to do the best they can, but all the time knowing that there is no magic wand and precious little help to be had. I take my hat off to every single one of you.

May I echo what Wilma has just said? annsixty's immediate apology is testament to her lovely nature - but her initial response gives an indication of how hard it is to constantly be worn down by the daily grind of juggling the difficulties of caring and trying to not to let it impinge on everything else!

That's good to hear Luckyrose, we do want you to stay and both get and give support.
Are we friends now?

Been there, done that and it's very hard. We were full time carers for my parents both with dementia and my in-laws both had terminal cancer 70 miles away. We were pulled in several directions literally on all fronts. When my mum went into care and MIL passed away our fathers were both left at home on their own so we were constantly worrying about what they were doing, had they fallen (both did) and were they eating, what were they eating etc. As you have MS yourself this must be an even worse worry for you. Would it be possible to get your mum back into respite care with a view to full residential care - if she has dementia and in danger of falling the SS are likely to insist she does anyway at some point which is what happened to my mum. If she has no assets the council would have to cover the costs - unfortunately this might mean you don't have any say in where she goes but hopefully you would be able to visit the place to check it's ok. Above all as has been said you need to look after yourself. I hope you manage to sort something out.

Thankyou Anne sorry for calling you I just feel like crying and smashing something, which I will get over it I usually do. I should be able to switch off as I am not there all the time. I try so hard to make things easier for her. Easy to open things. She can't read anything. We went all that way just to switch a button on her tv between visits . It's all the little things like getting battery lights for her Christmas tree. So she doesn't mess with it. She also nearly got a shock because she couldn't see she had trapped a wire and it was bare. Luckily her cleaner spotted it before she touched it. Carers although some are brilliant are different ones and they make her a cuppa and her Wiltshire and a sandwich and a cuppa that's it. They ask if she is alright or needs anything else she says no. She burnt her face with a product, I think she used Andrews wet wipes oN her face. Which I stupidly got her and told her it was for freshening her undercarriage. I try and fail . Right I am over it. Thankyou all for letting me moan. Even you Anne, ha ha. I hope if I do come on regularly I can be of help with listening or advice.

PS luckyrose annsixty is a lovely member of GN and very supportive. She's got an awful lot of on her plate and still finds time to offer advice. Please don't think her bitter and give her another chance.

I am going to be blunt here - those members of your family with dementia are unlikely to recognise you at some stage, and you need to put a protective wall around yourself and let others take responsibility for their care. Does your Mum know who you are when you visit? - if not there is no point trekking back and forth all the time - set up carers and let them get on with it and just visit occasionally to monitor the situation - TBH if you keep losing your temper with her, she is better off with professional carers who do not have the same emotional involvement. Losing one's temper is entirely understandable - I got so close to it the other night with my sick OH, so do understand.

If you are unwell yourself, you need to try and look after yourself and farm out whatever you can in terms of care of others.

Concentrate on supporting your DD - it sounds as though her local hospital has an efficient system that gets her a speedy result - hence the 3 hour appointment. I do hope her results are favourable.

By the way, I know that annsixty would understand your situation entirely and would not dream of saying aything amiss - I think you are feeling a bit on the edge at the moment - and who can blame you.

Take care.

Hello luckyrose62 and welcome to Gransnet.
Caring, even for those we love, is often hard to manage; not just all the practical stuff, but the emotional weariness that can be so draining. Many on Gransnet are full time carers, and others, like you, have multiple caring roles with various relatives. It can be a privilege or a chore - and sometimes both depending upon our own state of health and our past relationships with those we care for. Every single person who is a carer deserves to be supported in their role and receive encouragement for the job they do.
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