Can't cope sometimes

By the way, I didn't know about Gransnet until after he had died. I could have done with somewhere to rant.

Luckyrose, can you try and persuade her to give up the tights?
My mother in law only wore popsocks when she was in that situation. She went into a care home after being found lying in the garden where she'd been for three hours.
She then decided to make her own bed in the care home, tripped and hit her head, had a stroke and never came out.
She had to be moved to a nursing home after a year, as the care home could not cope with her nursing needs and dementia.

I know what you mean about getting angry as well. I used to get angry with my husband who had ataxia and was doubly incontinent for over fifteen years. It took his mother's 90th birthday party at our house for our sons to tell me I couldn't cope on my own any longer. New Year's Day 2012. He died three weeks later, but for those final three weeks I was so relieved to have carers coming in four times a day, so I had time and energy to have my husband back instead of just being a wornout carer. I still had to feed him and give him insulin injections, but I didn't have to sort out the incontinence issues.
Durham had the same problem with numbers of pads as well. Because he was being cared for at home, the carers used to come with a few from the care homes to supplement those he was allowed.

Take care of yourself. You won't be any good to your mum or your daughter if you get worse.

I’ll second Wilma’s good wishes. Life can be hard and it’s good to be able to vent sometimes. What you’ve been through lately certainly wasn’t trivial and it’s good to hear that you all seem to have turned a corner now, particularly regarding your daughter’s health. Happy New Year!

luckyrose our feelings are real what ever the circumstances, so you shouldn't feel silly. You were able to unload your feelings here and it sounds like things are going better now. It's easy to look back and feel like you should have been able to cope better, but the truth is that sometimes life feels overwhelming. Best wishes to you and your family for the coming year.

Thankyou all for your comments. I am feeling much better now. Daughter has got the all clear. Mum got into respite at Christmas and is really enjoying it.
Yes I do feel a bit silly when many of you are going through much worse. I think it was the worry of daughter that tipped me over a bit. She had been through a horrible year her husband left when their daughter was just 18 months old. Left her clearing some of his debts. So I just felt she and us could not cope with anything else with the three elders.
Happy and healthy new year to you all.

What a frustrating read your post made for me Mary doll.
If only people would seek advice as soon as there is a problem? Citizens Advice give people advice on benefit entitlements and about legal rights regarding social services assessments, as well as things like power of attorney or appointee-ship
It depresses me how little people know about their rights and entitlements, or how to access these?it seems to be a growing problem! When I first went into social welfare law and joined an advice agency 20 years ago, there was a better level of knowledge in the general population, and an ability to seek advice. now we see more and more people who had no idea of the sources of advice or information, and have been struggling on for ages often needlessly and often missing out on things they are entitled to. This is across the board from employees who are being dismissed without any procedures or for automatically unfair reasons such as discrimination to people entitled to benefits they don’t know about like those your mother was entitled to! Thank goodness your colleague persuaded you to call adult social care!
I know that legal advice agencies are stretched financially and resource wise as most are charities. Citizens Advice certainly is and the local offices receive no funding from Government! No doubt some people will have comments that theirs was useless etc as I have seen on threads before, however it’s a good starting point, and I can only speak for the 3 I have worked at,that give an excellent service and try to move clients on with their problems with an holistic approach to look at all the issues that they can get advice on

The trouble is she lives in a coastal town a typical retirement resort. I cannot even get them to say how much they would fund. The respite one which she enjoyed is £650 ph but from reading between the lines the only give about £450. We did have named social worker who was interested and understood mums needs and got extra home care in. However they only assign them got 6 weeks then they have done. I have put £660 aside to give her and us a weeks break. Trying to get another social worker is blood out of a stone. Decided mum can have the pull ups is it makes her happier but they are a devil to change with tights on. She can do that herself but takes ages when she remembers. She got nasty with carers when I asked them to remind her. When she went in the respite they tactfully sent them to the toilet at regular intervals.

Oh Maw, I didn't know PW had passed, all love to you.

It is damned hard ladies isn't it? My mum is 92, deaf, heart failure kidney failure, high blood pressure and the beginnings of dementia. Gets really agitated over the slightest thing, which of course racks up her blood pressure usually ending in an ambulance trip to hospital. I try to make life as smooth as possible but recently her fridge broke, and she got so upset, even though it was sorted within 48 hours for a new one. I am constantly worried sttressed and worn out, and frustrated as there are many things she coup do to make life easier but refuses. If I ask what the reasoning for this is she always just says " I just don't want to"- sooo frustrating! Oh Lord ladies , do you think in another few decades our children will be saying the same about us ?

luckyrose62, I am care supervisor in a residential home. Reading your account of your Mums needs she appears to be very vulnerable and at risk of harm. I would certainly recommend you contact social services for a care plan assessment as I feel it would be in her best interests to move into 24hr care. The funding body would need to complete a financial assessment but she sounds like she meets the criteria for funding if she hasn't any assets. Do not feel guilty. She will benefit from the social aspects of the home as well as the personal care. You can then enjoy her company as a Daughter instead of a carer and live with less stress in your life.

Well I have no intention of living longer than my brain. First sign of dementia and I will be out of this life. No desire to be dependant on my daughters or anyone else. Me and DH agree on that.
I would like to know why it is that the authorities think its their job to prevent me from deciding for myself when to go. If they made it easier one could risk waiting longer but they don’t so we have to go while we still can.

Having had an awful lot of dementia to cope with for so many years in the past (mother and FiL) I do second the advice about the Alzheimer's Society Talking Point forum. Whatever you are going through, someone else will have been there - it's always a safe space to let off steam, have a good old moan, with people who understand exactly what it's like.

It does sound to me as if your mum should be in a care home - she sounds extremely vulnerable. If she doesn't have sufficient assets then the council has to fund it. You do need to tell Social Services firmly that she is Vulnerable and At Risk - the buzzwords. If you are 70 miles away, never mind your own health problems, then I don't see how, with the best will/ability in the world, it's possible for you to give enough care.

Do please have a look at the Alz. Soc. website and Talking Point forum - you will be able to access a lot of very well informed advice.
BTW live in carers, as suggested by somebody, do come extremely expensive - often more than a nice care home, especially when you take into account all the household expenses on top. We looked into it for an aunt of Dh - no dementia but needing help more or less 24/7 - the cost was prohibitive. She finally went into a nice care home instead.

I do hope your mind will soon be put at rest concerning your daughter - such a dreadful worry for you.

Bless you. It's tough having all the responsibility with no help and whilst being unwell yourself. My daughter is my father's primary carer as I have incurable cancer and am often quite ill. We have my DH's aunt to look after as well but she is in a home so that's easier and we have a 15yr old 'Kevin' (as in Harry Enfields character) I wish your daughter good luck for her tests. Make sure you are accessing all the available help there is and consider putting DM into a home where she'll be safe and looked after all the time. There will be times with your own health that you can't get to dm if needed. There's support on here if you want a rant, ignore people who don't support you. Bad help is worse than no help at all! x

Luckyrose62, you have my sympathy. You are under tremendous pressure and it is no wonder you are finding it difficult to cope.

My own mother has Alzheimer’s, now somewhat advanced though she still recognises the family. She was living in a warden controlled flat until things got beyond her. She has no assets and her rent was paid for by housing benefit. She had her pension and other allowances including attendance so was ‘in the system’ when her needs increased. My sister and I found a nearby residential nursing home and got her respite care there and while that was happening she was assessed for permanent living there. The council system is a bit slow and creaky but, after about six weeks, Mum was given a place in the home for which she does not pay.

I am sure you could get something similar in place for your mother if you persevere with the form filling and phoning the relevant people to move things along. We are so relieved with the way Mum is looked after 24/7 with regular meals and someone to supervise her taking her medication. She has friends and company and the staff are very pleasant. Mum is perhaps a little more bored at times than she was but often has pleasant times with others that she has not been able to enjoy for years.

I hope your daughter turns out to be OK too.

So sorry to hear of your problems it is difficult to cope with one thing but added worry about your daughter must add to you feeling stresse. Hope all goes well with checks. Make sure your Mum is getting all she is entitled to in the way of help and benefits and talk to her GP. You need time for yourself too so don't feel guilty you are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. Good luck

luckyrose62, you will need to make a referral to social services for a social worker for the elderly to come out and do an assessment, you can either do this yourself, or ask the GP to make an urgent referral. The assessment is done in a very caring respectful way, with your mothers interests at heart.

the assessment will look at everything, home circumstances, medication, who does the caring etc... they look at finances, and if your mum has no money, then they have to arrange to fund the care.

they will either decide to put in regular carers if she is very independent and can live on her own, or will look at a nursing home.

As she is already in a housing association flat, is it independent living? (sheltered housing), the next step would be a place where she could get more care. If she is in her own flat, would she manage in a sheltered scheme, there are different levels and she would still have carers going in. She sounds like she is struggling to cope on her own and a more sheltered scheme would give her friends, contacts and a bit of a social life, and less pressure on you.

My advice would be to sit down and think logically, not emotionally, then write a list of the issues for your mum, health and welfare, so you can discuss this when you ring to make the referral.

My elderly parents are fiercely independent (with some serious multiple health issues) , and I am trying to keep them as independent as possible, for as long as that is feasibly possible, but thats hard work in itself, but hey ho :-) its a good job I have a brilliant manager at work, and a supportive OH.

I hope you can work out something that makes better for your mum, it will take the stress off you if she is happier and safer. take care xxx

I hope your dd is ok. I think you are so worried about her that everything else you normally just about cope with is getting you down. If your dm still recognises you I expect you feel you must continue to go to see her and struggle on. Do you have any siblings? You have been caring for you Mum for so long it must be emotionally draining, but because of her age it could all end at any time. Concentrate on supporting your dd and take pleasure in your d gc. You could try asking your Mother's GP if she is safe to live alone or now needs to go into a home where she can be cared for full time and if this is possible could she move to a home closer to you. I thought if you had less than £26,000 the council had to pay for your care.

I just want to say to all of you who are lookinging after elderly relatives that you are all fantastic. My heart goes out to you reading about what you’re coping with. You put me to shame, my DH’s health problems and my role as career are nothing compared with yours and I get so fed up with it at times.
I’ve read and enjoyed your posts many times MawBroon and I am so sorry to hear that Paw has gone.
for all of you.

I looked after my mother with dementia whilst bringing up three children, working full time and trying to study for another degree. I thought it was all up to me to look after my mother and refused to seek any help. I was consumed with guilt that as her daughter, I should be caring for her. That is until one day I broke down in tears at work and couldn't stop sobbing.
My colleague told me that I couldn't go on like this, as I was making myself ill and that it was time to ask for help.
I phoned the Social Work dept, whist my colleague stood over me and explained that I was no longer coping and I needed help and support. It was the best thing I ever did. My mother was entitled to support and benefits that I was unaware she was entitled to. The social worker was so kind. Carers came in 4 times a day to look after her and she had her lunch delivered daily. It didn't solve everything, but it took some of the pressure off me until my mother received a psychiatric assessment, which resulted in her eventually being given a bed in a nursing home, where she received all the medical care she needed.
So many on GN, suffering just now. I find it really upsetting reading the posts.

Oh dear, I feel so sad reading people's stories on here about dealing with their elderly relatives.
I was much younger when mine needed care (but also had young children/teenagers and a job at the time) so I know how hard it can be and how worrying. Quite frankly, I don't know how I would cope with an elderly relative at my age and, reading the stories, I don't want my children to be put in that position either.

I don't know what the answer is.

to all the stalwart carers

I apologise if I have cast aspersions on anyone. So many people on GN have such difficult lives and have so much to cope with and give such good advice.

Thanks a bunch . Obviously your caring duties have made you bitter.

I realise that you are probably nearing the end of your tether luckyrose but annsixty sounds as if she was just being helpful and realistic.

It does sound as if your DM needs more care than at present so perhaps a nursing home would be the best answer. You are losing your temper with her and that is not good for either of you, so something needs to change.

I do hope your daughter's results are negative - it is a good thing that she will get the result on the same day, worth the wait.

I know what it is like to feel like a piece of elastic - stretched from both ends.

Katekeepsrunning nothing annsixty said could possibly be described as “harsh”so check things out the next time before you lash out at someone who’s the 24/7 sole carer for her DH with Alzheimer’s.
Unti he passed away three weeks ago I was darling Paws carer (not Alzheimer’s) but it was exhausting, draining and for anyone facing potentially another perhaps 20 years of the decline if their life partner, the outlook holds precious little hope.
luckyrose you sound as if you really need professional advice and help instead of struggling to cope all on your own.
There have been some informed constructive suggestions on this thread, I hope you can see your way to taking them on board.
And it would be helpful if nobody used this thread to cast aspersions on others.

Violette , I think that was just how my poor brother felt as he descended into dementia. He just liked me to be sitting next to him. Very sad.