Firstly to say compared to situations many of you are coping or struggling with I'm in relative clover so far.But I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with my 95 year old mum.She still lives alone, and has managed remarkably ,especially since our dad died several years ago.She had a really tough time caring for him in the last few years,and refused all help -to the point of stupidity my siblings and I felt.But that was her choice, and she's a fiercely independant ,and intelligent- or so I thought !- woman.But it wore her out physically and emotionally.She thought she was doing us all a favour, and her favourite mantra is 'you don't have to worry about me 'Easier said than done mum!
Fortunately we all live locally and so one of us ,sometimes all of us pop in most days if not everyday.If I can't I ring .Realistically it's either me or one brother,our older brother is retired and very often away on holiday,or helping his with grandchildren out of town.That in itself has been frustrating ,because lovely and good as he is despite repeatedly asking him to let me know if he is not around,or more helpfully if he is going to mums he never does.I still work,and a quick text,or I've suggested a WhatsApp group between us has fallen on deaf ears.It would be so good just to know he was planning to visit as I still work,and often call in between clients or on my way home often when I'm cold,wet and tired.He stays as longer ,as he doesn't go as often,is very kind and actually more patient than me and other brother.But as other brother says that's because he doesn't see her as often!
Anyway,The upshot is her mobility is worsening and her sight is deteriorating.She has macula degeneration and only has one functioning eye anyway.Her hearing is also failing. No big surprise at her age.But the state of her home,and her clothes is worsening.I did bring her washing home to dry as she has no drier and I have a really good one.And when I collected it we changed her bed.But she's even shoving me away from doing that now.We persuaded her to have a cleaner last year.She grudgingly agreed to an hour a week but pointing out no cleaner would come for just one hour,she finally agree to two. All well and good to start with.Then it turned out she was either asking the cleaner to take her to the shops.We do that regularly. Or following her everywhere and preventing her from actually getting on.She then found a reason to fall out with her and we reluctantly told the cleaner to come no more.
Things have deteriorated again.Her fridge is frequently in a terrible state.And I'm bracing myself to go round next week and do some cleaning,but tbh feel pretty resentful as she has enough money to pay for a few hours help.Even 2/3 hours a week would keep on top of things,and she could still potter with a duster.
Any ideas ?She wants to stay in her own home,we accept that,but just want her to work with us to make that possible.Her other favourite saying is 'oh well you won't have to worry about me much longer .I won't be here.Really mum?I know she hates the idea but she could live to be 100+.I've pointed out DHs aunt happily has some help.As do my friends elderly parents.To no avail.So frustrating,and instead of being a caring DD she makes me feel like a bossy control freak.My bother lost his temper the other day when he fixed her vac because it wasn't connected, and instead of saying thank you told him off for interfering. I must add so far she's shown no obvious signs of dementia,but we are aware she could be developing something,if only small ischaemic changes.Also to add she's been 'fighting ' the idea of getting old for absolutely years.I call it 'competitive ageing' as she has taken great pride in comparing herself with poor old Mrs so and so,how stooped/wrinkled/dependant etc she is -and she's 10 years younger than me you know!Not always very charitable and empathetic, and generally lovely as she can be not a trait I admire.She is terrified of being labelled old.I get that.But at 95 it's time for some common sense to prevail .Thanks if you've read this Rambling post.Just needed to vent !
