Trying not to resent caring for constantly sick husband

I have nothing to add to the great posts above except please come and rant again if and when! Just look what happened!!

Take care of yourself.

No merlotgran, I had to hide my copy in my underwear drawer!

This thread is so refreshing because everyone is so honest about the reality of living with the life changing experience of caring for a partner or loved one. I have been through hell the last year with my frail, elderly ill mother, who doesn't even live with me. Initially when she became dependant I tried to do everything and worried to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I have now kind of come to terms with things and try to prioritise my needs and focus on the present and go with it, rather than catastrophising as I often do, it makes life easier. Admittedly it does take a bit of practice. Having a regular break to recharge the batteries is as others have said, important, as is having someone with whom to offload emotionally, but difficult I know for some. We are only human and it wouldn't be normal to not feel resentful at times.

I love the title of your book Eglantine and must download it.

Stop trying to not feel your feelings

*It is OKAY to resent the SITUATION. It does not mean that you don't love your family.

You go ahead and feel resentment and whatever else being a carer makes you feel because being a carer is HARD and its okay to say so xx*

Good advice from Notanan … please try to take it on board. It is really important for your own wellbeing!

It is good advice but I used to get quite despairing when people said “Make sure you have some time for yourself’ without the least suggestion of how that could actually be done.

I’m afraid I used to look on a hospital admission for husband as a bit of a break for me.

As a full time carer for my DH who has physical and memory issues, I was one of those who said make time for yourself, I know it isn't easy but in most cases it is possible.
I aim to take time when he is asleep in the day time, unless exhausted myself, plus set him up with everything needed and tootle off to another room for an hour. Rarely get out but time for myself is still achieved.

It wasn’t a criticism Maybelle. I was thinking more about the need to get out. Anywhere except that house!!

I’m not a carer anymore but the need to get out somewhere every day is very strong in me. ?

Making time for yourself can be anywhere, including in your own house or garden I agree Maybelle.

The need to get out, and away from it all, is understandable too.

Thanks oldmeg and eglantine i think for me and many others it is a matter of having achievable aims. If not able to get out of the house, then make plans to have time to yourself at home. Even 15 minute snatches is valued.

I am about to order the book - and have a space ready in my knicker drawer!

OH has just rung 111 and someone is coming to see him. He is sure he has some dreadful syndrome. But he is calmer and more rational since he spoke to them, which is good. I had reached my saturation point with obsessing about symptoms and agitation. I feel like an unsympathetic old cow, but sometimes I just cannot hear any more of it.

Thanks, will do x

You seem very sane Luckygirl despite everything you are coping with. It's so important to offload isn't it? My DM frequently presses her emergency button and invariably the hard pressed paramedics attend. Often she only wants reassurance and more than once I have gone round to find them making her a cup of tea. It's obviously not an appropriate use of paramedics time, but she isn't really aware.

Had something very similar for the final eight years of my husband's life. Turned out he had vascular dementia on top of his physical disabilities which explained the refusal to shower, rejection of food, general unpleasantness... You have my sympathies. I arranged to get a day off each week which I filled with things I enjoyed doing. I also knitted and crocheted like a demon. I may have gone somewhat deranged myself!

Often, the more you do for people who are unwell or needy, the more you will be put upon. Can your husband pour cornflakes into a bowl, make a sandwich, put something into the microwave or stand at the sink to wash up? If so, you don't need to be his servant and, if you continue to be so, then the fault is with you.

The same with children or grandchildren. Just because they may have some extra needs doesn't mean they can't do things for themselves and be as independent as possible. If your husband can be left on his own then there is no reason why you can't go out and do the things you enjoy while he stays in watching tv or whatever.

Then you will feel recharged and more willing to be there for him to cope with the things he really needs help with. People can make themselves a martyr unnecessarily; don't let that unhappy person be you.

Put OH to bed at about 12.30 last night and the 111 doc rang at about 12.45 and asked how he was. & hours after original promise of visit - clearly a busy Saturday night. I told them not to come as there was nothing they could do as he was dropping off to sleep. TBH there never was anything he could do - but OH was convinced he was dying. I got to sleep about 2.30 am.

He's a bit better today,but he has taken lots of lorezepam - which he is not meant to. Just at the moment I do not care as long as it is making him feel better.His illness is in final stages they tell me, so I can't see it matters if he gets benefit from it.

7 hours!

Heart rending stories from so many people that make mine seem small by comparison but I still feel sad and resentful about missing opportunities and shared times.
My DH has now been diagnosed with a thyroid problem that results in depression plus endless 'small' health issues, one after another. His way of dealing with it is to go back to the UK for 2 or 3 weeks at a time every month and come back for a week which is usually fraught and anxious on both sides. From a loving and caring couple we are living separate lives and, apart from anything else, our savings are rapidly disappearing.

I have recently discovered and now subscribe to 'Headspace', a website that introduces you to meditation in a very supportive and user friendly way. Even a short time spent in quiet meditation breaks the anxiety caused by the constant thoughts and worries endless going round your head.
There is a free introductory lesson. I would recommend it.

My husband died two years ago on the 28th of this month aged 51 after I juggled working and caring for him for just over two years. I found myself resenting the situation from time to time and felt guilty once he was no longer here. When you are caring for someone you need to be able to offload. I remember having an emotional meltdown at my GPs one day when I was caring for him. The staff were so kind looking after me. I just needed to be able to talk to someone and I was able to self refer for counselling. I’d give anything to have him back even with ill health.

Dear ladies, all of you, wives and widows. Do give yourselves a break!

We all feel resentment at times about the way life is or has turned out.

All of you cope by crying in the shower, or something similar. None of you are taking it out on your sick husbands, mothers, fathers, etc. etc.

Go on, give yourselves a big pat on the back and rant away, when out of earshot of those concerned.

I find scrubbing floors helps; I can cry into the pail of water if I feel like it, or scrub the floor while cursing. Others prefer digging the garden and kicking the h.ll out of dandelions.

AND it is all right to discuss reasonable precautions with the "patient" and to give malingerers (which I am sure they are not) a kick in the whatsit.

My husband had Crohne's disease for most of our married life. It made life very difficult for him, but also meant that plans had to be cancelled, often at the last minute. I sometimes used to suspect that he used his illness as an excuse, if he didn't want to go somewhere. There were times when I really resented the effect it had on our lives, then I used to feel guilty when he had a bad spell - practically living in the loo.
He later developed heart and circulation problems and eventually had a bad stroke. The last few years of his life were very difficult, and very restricting for both of us. He was almost 82 when he died, and I was 76, and felt that it was rather late in life to start doing the things I had missed out on.
I know exactly how you feel, Sielha. A mixture of tiredness, frustration, resentment and love. I wish you well, and hope that you can find a way to ease your burden a little.

silverlining I feel for you. I have Hashimoto's, the autoimmune type of under active. Also in the small group that is not sorted by Levothyroxine.im on Lego, plus T3. However, best of all I'm on low dose of Citalopram for the depression. It changed my life. I am now dealibg with the weight gain, slow but sure. Has your DH read up to help himself? My heart goes out to you - its not easy livin g with someone e with it ?

You have every right to feel overwhelmed. We don't choose these situations, they happen to us. DH was diagnosed with PD ten years ago, and at the end of last year, with Parkinson,s dementia. The psychotic episodes became so severe that he was also physically aggressive, and extremely deluded. It came to a head when he disappeared, found by the police, and hospitalised. To cut a long story short, he is in a nursing home, but is a lot calmer, I surmise due to a change in medication. I am just as miserable with him there as I was when he was at home, for different reasons. The nursing home is fine, but I still find that it shocks me daily that he's there, that this whole situation arose and I can't really move on. I also have an adult 'child' at home who has learning difficulties, and was quite traumatised by the goings on at home. I am sorely tempted to have DH back home on his good days, but then I remind myself of how awful it was. Also, the change in medication has lessened his mobility, meaning that he can rarely move around unaided, due to weakness and falls. There's also the difficulty of getting support at home. All professional advice is to leave things as they are, but these people have no personal investment. I also worry that within a couple of weeks, I might realise what a mistake it was, but then not get the required help. It's such a dilemma, and making me ill. Sorry for my rant, but this post made me want to 'get it out'.

Rant away grannybuy - I am sure you are getting the right advice. There is more than one way to care for your loved one and sometimes making the choice for a nursing home is the best way for you to show you care. If he is settled then the kindest thing you can do is to let him stay there, with the professionals around who, it must be remembered, go off duty. Carers in the home are never off duty, and the quality of care suffers because of that.

It is a hugely stressful task and all we can do is find small moments to let off steam; and above all forgive ourselves the negative thoughts that creep unbidden into our minds at times.

I am lucky that I have such a caring set of DDs; and also some close friends to whom I can turn for a hug.