Difficult Mother in Law

I used to work with people with these issues and one of the ways that I found useful was to hold a peice of clothing out to them and say, I'm so sorry I forgot you asked me to find this for you. Take the blame on yourself and ask them to forgive you because you forgot, make light of it and tell them they need to remind you ......good luck it's not easy

To be exact, she IS being difficult, and it's because she has dementia. Not every negative word is an accusation or condemnation, sometimes it just is what it is.

When my MIL had dementia she would do nothing and was very hostile if it was me that asked. However if one of my daughters went in and chivvied her into changing her clothes she would be meek as a lamb with them and cooperate. So are there any GC who might be able to help? Worth a try.

I feel for you justanovice as my late MIL was diagnosed with two types of dementia. Also fiercely independent, we had battles to try and get her to wash, change, eat or take medication. Her eldest son and his wife got the worst of it. She accused them of being paranoid about germs, "clean clothes aren't necessary, I'm clean!, my health is more important!" Not seeing the connection.
Other DIL would offer to take her out for shopping or coffee, "But only if you change your clothes," which sometimes worked.
It only needs a young great-grandchild to say, "You smell, gan-gan!" It's difficult, dementia changes or exaggerates their personalities.
Professional carers seem to have the knack, "I/friends etc will be happy if you change your clothes," I sympathise - it doesn't seem to make any difference if you are polite or rude to them - they think that they are right and you are wrong, how dare you, etc. No easy answers.

i have much the same problem with my daughter lives on her own with excellent care. But she will not have the heating on and the temperature inside has been as low as 9 degrees. Does not shower often and sleeps in






Have the same problem with my daughter who lives on her own with excellent care coming 3 or 4 times a day. Wont have the heating on despite the indoor temperature being 3 degrees, goes to bed in what she has been wearing during the day and will not shower. Stubborn as a mule. Care staff can only do so much and I live 54 miles away. Its not easy and really there is no answer. My thoughts are with you and your problem.

Absolute honesty I found best work my dear father

“Dad, you’re doing bloody well living independently so well despite dementia diagnosis and I want that to continue for as long as possible. A part of living independently is changing clothes regularly. I love that shirt you’re wearing, it’s one of my favourites, but it needs to be laundered and a fresh one put on.”

Oh dear made a complete hash of that comment, I had phone call funny enough from son who has the care of my daughter for 36 hours while they attend a funeral and she was driving him mad, refuses to change her clothes or wash.

Thank you for all your suggestions. I do know that dementia is a difficult disease. My mum had vascular dementia and I looked after her in her own home for years before she eventually went into a care home. She was more amenable to being told what to do although we did have our moments. I think that it's the daughter versus daughter in law thing and I just have to get on with it

That’s a really good idea.

We had this problem with my mother. Now we have carers in twice a day and they wash her. She used to smell of urine. Now she is clean and fresh. Surely you have carers for your MiL? If so, ask the agency to ensure you get persuasive ones - after all, they've seen this all before. Mum is living with me now and it's the one thing I've insisted on. Just grab the clothes and wash them.
Otherwise ask her doctor if you can see a Community Matron (the old District Nurses). They are absolutely brilliant and they will find a way to get her dressed. It is NHS so no cost to you.

Buy several identical tops and swap them over as appropriate?

My daughters carers are unable to get her to do anything she doesn't want, however hard they try and at the moment she has a certain amount of capacity and they have to respect that. As for the aCommunity Matron or District Matron, well in the area where my daughter lives they have funds cut to bone and would not even help with drops in the eye when she went semi blind. Not easy

Gone are the days of carers making people do what they don't wish to.
(Mostly a great thing) but it causes no end of problems around trying to persuade people, ensuring you aren't overstepping the mark, and you're respecting a persons values and not foisting your own onto them.

Have you tried buying her some wet wipes? My mum ( with Alzeimers) will use them in between showers as I told her they were a moisturiser and good for the skin!

I was told a story recently about 2 sisters who went into a care home at the same time. The one who had been active all her life and always taken care of herself was OK, but the one who blossomed was the one who had lived by herself and never bothered about clothes or looks. She was taken shopping bought clothes and arrived at every social occasion done up to the nines. This may seem a poiintless comment but has your MIL any reason to dress up? Maybe she needs to go somewhere special to get her out of her everyday outfits.

Imm6 you are khcky with the carers. My friends Mum has carers going in and they just say that its up to her whether she wants to wash and change or not.

She doesn't wash, change her clothes or bedding.

Just back from visiting my sister in her care home and although the staff are very overstretched, they had got her showered, hair washed and nicely dressed, as they knew I was coming. They don’t always succeed! There are days when she just refuses to co-operate.
On the other hand her nails, both hand and feet, were really long, like claws. It is such a problem, caring for people with dementia and other mental health issues. My sympathies to all who undertake this challenging job.

My daughter uses wet wipes, but they are not really a substitute for a shower and hair wash. Has plenty of clothes buys plenty but in the winter they are all damp and its a night mare. She a top of the range washer dryer uses that but as she has no heating on there is nowhere to air and finish the finer drying. Trying asking or telling her to put them back in the dryer for another dryer but her answer is they have been in once and thats enough. I must admit the carers are really good, in fact excellent, they keep the house spotless for her and change the bedding weekly. Even has a carer 3 hours a week to help with paperwork, admin problems, going on email etc. Cant fault them

Could her doctor do a home visit and tell she is dirty/smelly and needs to change her clothes before he examines her. Do you ever take her out in your car- somewhere she really wants to go- if so, then tell her she needs to shower and change her clothes otherwise she won't be allowed in your car. Yes, she is ill and can't help her behaviour so all the more reason for some straight talking.

Hi, I found Altzheimers UK invaluable for advice when my Dad was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. They have an excellent online forum called Talking Point which covers everything dementia related from people with experience of caring for a relative. Good luck.

Quizqueen I really tried everything including all you have said. I have refused to stay anymore unless the heating is on in the cold months. I tell her when I am coming down, ask where she would like to go and tell her to have a shower when care come in and make sure she has clean clothes on. Works sometimes, other times no. A Dr would not say you are dirty and smelly, change your clothes before I examine you and anyway she would just say ok don't bother.

I manage a care service and my staff have all sorts of ways of dealing with this problem. Sometimes the tack of "you have so many lovely things in your wardrobe, shall we try this on today, you will look so nice in it" works. Sometime it is "your daughter is coming today, shall we make you look really special for her" Changing worn items at bed time ready for the next day is good. Generally being confident and assuming you will achieve what you are setting out to do makes cooperation easier to secure.

I too recognise this as something difficult tackle as my nan was convinced she washed and changed every day, but she didn't. Sometimes would go a lot of days without doing either (or cleaning her teeth) ...she didn't seem to notice if she started to smell a bit either! Tried all the things mentioned but just ended up with drawers full of new clean tops, trousers, undies etc. Nan had dementia and while she was able to talk could sometimes be fairly lucid, but this made no difference to personal hygiene matters. Nan had always been fairly smart, pretty, together and it was heartbreaking watching it all slide without her seeming to care. She did have pneumonia for a few weeks while still at home and it knocked her for six - she did not seem aware of anything much so I bit the bullet and just gave her strip washes, even managed to get her in the bath and shower a few times to wash her and dress her in nice clean clothes (OK, nightclothes sometimes), gave her teeth a quick going over etc...when she recovered she was oblivious to this and as I knew she would be embarrassed if she knew I never mentioned it to her. It seems rotten doing some of these things knowing the person will not recall them but as long as your intentions are good I think it is alright to do so. Good luck, it sounds as though your mother-in-law will be requiring more help at some stage.

Thank you all for your replies. It helps quite a lot to know that there are other people in the same situation.

If she is your mother-in-law, perhaps a gentle and sympathetic word from your husband to his mother would help? My own mother has similar issues and what I do is, get my sister to take her out for the afternoon and blitz her house. It's the only way we can ensure she is living in a non-hazardous, hygienic environment and because she was always so houseproud, it's hard to see her house becoming neglected because a) she's too proud to ask for help and b) she doesn't think there is a problem. When she gets home, she usually calls me to say 'oh, I see you've been at it again', which I laugh at and say to her 'it's not a problem, Mum'.