Difficult Mother in Law

If you buy her clothes can I suggest you buy multiples of the same item then when you take them for washing she won’t be any the wiser

I've had to be quite brutally honest with my Mum about her smelling whilst everybody else just kept away because they couldn't stand it. It meant I was the big bad wolf and one day she shouted at me that I would not allow her any dignity. I pointed out that I was trying to help her keep her dignity and she has been a little better. However, the one thing I cannot stop her doing is putting damp pads on the carpets. I bought her a small bin to have by her bed but she will not use it. It was only when I was talking to her partner, he explained that if they are not too wet, she won't throw them away as they are too expensive but will save them for the next day. Honestly, I despair.

Do you have a care home near you? Would you be able to ask the manager for some tips on how to manage the hygiene/clothing issue. This must be an issue with many if the residents. Obviously would need to be an establishment that deals with dementia/alzheimers.

My mum was very much the same at 93 altho she didn’t have dementia. It was just too hard work for her. I spent the days with her but she was alone at night and when I arrived next day I found she had been sleeping in her clothes most nights I had to help her have a good wash tho a few times a week. So i managed to get her to put clean things on then. Maybe once a week. So that wasn’t so bad. Maybe helping her wash would give you the opportunity to change them.

Had the same with my husband who had dementia. He had a lot of other issues as well after a stroke so in the end he did have carers. He would scream and shout at them and me for putting him in other clothes, changing his pad, taking his medication and having the nebuliser mask on. I used to get told off so many times by the district nurse because he wasn’t drinking enough, could tell by his catheter bag but as I said I can’t just pour it down his throat. Afraid after 10 years he had to go into a nursing home as needed 24 hour care and it may be something you will have to think about. If you do the adult social care team were very helpful and that made it easier.
Very best of luck to you

Thank you everyone. You have given me a lot to think about. If anyone's interested we have got her to change the shirt by giving her a new one for her birthday.

Mum is approaching 100- Lived alone up until last September past- Also didn't shower, change clothes but insisted she did- Also didn't smell- After accepting to take Vitamin D, her clothes get changed although not regularly but more often than before- Weather and water, time of day, holidays, foods consumed, all play into her decision making, if clothes will be changed- Or not-

justanovice Yes! Birthday shirt! Good thinking!

Now go out and buy 2 more of those shirts so you can swap them when she's asleep!

justanovice thank you for posting, this is a very helpful thread. Glad you got a small victory along the way, every one helps.

My FiL (with dementia) wouldn't change his clothes, and would only have a bath very occasionally if dh was there to,persuade him - though it still wasn't easy - and dh was away a lot for work, weeks at a time sometimes.

FiL was apt to fly into really frightening rages over the tiniest thing, so I had to tiptoe around him on eggshells. With the clothes, the only way I found was to have a clean set ready, watch like a hawk for when he went to the loo first thing, zoom in and swap. He never noticed.

With my mother (also dementia) I did occasionally 'accidentally' spill something down her, otherwise she'd be wearing the same manky jumper for weeks. I never cracked the bath/shower issue, couldn't face the dramas, but my sister, who lived much further away and so visited much less often was able to be a lot tougher. 'Come on, you NEED a shower, you smell!' (She did.)
There would be tears and dramas, but they were soon forgotten (one of the very few blessings of dementia, if there is such a thing ) and I'm sure she must have felt better afterwards.
Once she finally moved into a care home, both the clothes and the bath/shower issue were somehow managed much better. She was always clean, with clean hair, ditto all the residents, and they all had dementia.

Maybe it's easier for to accept 'persuasion' from non family, or else from staff in rather nurse-like uniforms that lend them some sort of authority.

Your mil sounds manageable. Words could not even describe how difficult my husband 's mother was for over 30 years. She passed in 2017. Damage is still felt to this day. Shattered still. Take care everyone. Dawn.

This problem really speaks to me. It wasn't until years after my mother-in-law died I realised that it was all about her having some sort of control over her life. I really regretted how much we'd all tried to get her to do this that or the other. Keeping clean is sweet smelling relatively unimportant, really. It's not nice to be dirty and smelly, but not dangerous. Just leave her to it and let her enjoy the freedom to do as she wants for as long as possible, is my advice xxx

You need to be patient and caring when she's so stubborn. You could try asking her if she will allow you to wash her clothes. X