What the heck do I do?

You obviously don't know the law paddyann - maybe it's different in Scotland.

No word from agency so I guess we will have to wait for a message on Monday about a new carer.We have a week left now to find someone new.

OH paranoid again today and in the middle of last night. He buzzed the carer in the night and trying to get some sense out of her as to why he buzzed and what he was saying is like getting blood out of a stone. She just goes round in circles and does not answer direct questions. I too had a sleepless night last night and feel as though I have woken in a mad house!

PD nurse is now away for 2 weeks, so not sure whom to turn to to get advice about meds to reduce the paranoia. I might just slightly up the dose of his ant-psychotic as he is on a very small dose.

Carer now has a bad back and is trying to find a private physio to visit.She is going to stop being a carer when this placement finishes on Saturday - she should never have been doing it as was advised against by a consultant.

Two patients here!

New agency cannot find a carer unless stipulations are relaxed; so I have had a very difficult conversation with OH to the effect that if he does not accept a black carer, we are inevitably going to have to start looking at nursing homes. I feel a heel - but what else can I do? I can't manage him.

He has agreed and search is on now for Saturday.

What a sticky issue, Luckygirl. I've no advice but wish you the best.

An impossible position for you to be in, and it looks like a home where most staff may be white or putting up with what you can get and dealing with the awful fall out. Does DH’s consultant have anything helpful to offer on the drugs front? You can’t manage without some form of consistent help.

or putting up with what you can get

A rather unfortunate phrase GrannySomerset - black carers are human beings who face any number of insults in their daily lives.

It will be the carer who will be 'putting up with'.

I agree with Bradfordlass72

Your dh has irrational fears but he cannot be the one in charge of deciding his care. This is only going to ge worse.

You matter too. Please take care of yourself

Please do not discount residential care or see it as some sort of failure. It could be best all round.

Riverwalk, yes they do, terrible terrible things are said and assumed.

This is such a difficult one. My mother is in Shropshire with 2carers four times a day and has many carers of different nationalities. She often becomes delusional and confused because of illness and the meds she takes and can be quite racist to her black and Asian carers. When she isn't too confused she gets on with them, and has become used to them over time. Good job because the agency is kept going by multi ethnic staff, mainly women. I think it's a matter of familiarity and the carer may be accepted for their role rather than their ethnicity over time. The only thing is, my mother isn't discriminatory in her paranoia and confusion and abuses anyone when in the mood, and has called carers fat, lazy ugly and so on. She can be pretty nasty to me too. I would say just grasp the bullet, explaining the problem to the carer. OH may hopefully get used to it.....you haven't a choice, apart from nursing home, you have more than enough to contend with it strikes me.

Lucky, my mum was the most racist person imaginable but grew to really love her black career. In fact the feeling was mutual.

I think her innate need to be polite helped but I did warn all the care staff. They said they took it in their stride and didnt take offence so, maybe, be open with any carers with whom he might be not quite PC.

Look - in his condition it seems he could become paranoid about anyone and anything at any time. Carers are generally low paid or very low paid. I suppose they are thin on the ground anyway. I think black health workers/carers will live with your OH paranoia if they understand it is caused by his condition and if you cannot find anyone else he will have to live with whoever you can get and afford. Good luck!

Thank you for good wishes and suggestions.

Carer from Zimbabwe is coming on Saturday and I will play it by ear as to what I say to her - I will see how things pan out.

It is OH's birthday today and one lot of family came round with a cake and excited children wanting to light the candle etc. It was hard to gently persuade him to try and take an interest as he was obsessed with the idea that today was the day I would be doing away with him. It is heart-breaking to watch as he would have been thrilled to see them before - and have joined in the fun. My DD put the cake with the candle in front of him while we sang Happy Birthday and he asked "What do I do with this?" How very sad it all is. Life can be a bugger sometimes.

so very very sorry you both find yourself in this situation.

Luckygirl what shit it all is at times (Sorry if my language offends anyone, but surely that is how it is?)

Sending good wishes to you.

Exactly what phoenix said!

Thinking of you Lucky. Things will improve somehow. Just take a day at a time.x

Just popping in to see how you are, happy birthday to your husband. Hope you have happy memories of past birthdays today. xx

Can't do more than send positive thoughts for you Luckygirl. As you know, if your husband goes into hospital or residential care, he will meet many black/Asian doctors, nurses and carers. Residential care may in fact be something of a relief for you when it comes. I remember you saying one of your daughters was set against it, I do hope she can move slightly as her dad's needs grow x

Couldn't have put it better phoenix. That is exactly what it is. Lucky my heart aches for all you're having to deal with at the moment.

Luckyso sorry to read all this. It is exactly what Phoenix said. My mum was always wary of black men but she loves the ones in the home where she is now as they are so kind and gentle.

We just have to admit they are just not the people we know and loved.
My H was a virtual stranger to me for the last 2/3 years of his life.
We care for them because we remember the person they were, the one we fell in love with and who loved us but the sad fact is I don’t think we love the person they become and I don’t believe they love us,.
It takes living through it to realise this awful truth.
I hope I don’t shock by saying this, it is just my belief, sad that it makes me.

My thoughts are with you Lucky, life is difficult enough without this added stress.
My dad's cousin was the most polite, genteel lady until she developed dementia, she then started swearing and being rude to the carers in the home. She was evicted from one home.

I had to tell the hospital that my uncle would only converse with (or be touched by) white British people. He found any unfamiliar accent totally incomprehensible so would refuse to engage with or even recognise the presence of others.

I explained that it was rooted in deep fear so perhaps they could report the reason to staff. We had to wait a very long time for treatment, though! When I told my GP he said that an elderly male patient refused to go to hospital at all unless an interpreter was provided. I too have problems if a person can't speak clear English.

I understand and it makes sense to me. My uncle fought wars against 'foreigners'so has a fear and mistrust of them. I had an abusive mother and cannot stand being touched by a female.

It is so sad and stressful to bear these illnesses and infirmities which are more likely as we age, and thank you for sharing your honest, difficult and very personal thoughts and experiences annsixty and Luckygirl. We can only send our sympathy and kind thoughts, but it may help those who are struggling now or in the future to know they are not alone, and just airing difficulties publicly may hopefully effect some changes in the future.