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Care & carers

Mum and her money

(5 Posts)
Betty65 Sat 01-Aug-20 21:46:06

My mum owns her semi and has a moderate amount of savings. I am my mums main carer. I get to organise carers, mop up the unmentionables, do the food shops, get called upon when there are health problems. When she is feeling down or poorly I am there.
I have a brother who lives in Spain. He calls her twice a day. In normal, non COVID times he comes to visit her about 3 times a year. He stays for 4/5 days each time.
That’s the background.
I believe mum has dementia which presents itself in many different ways.
For the last year or more mum has made an express wish that’s she wants me to have more of her money than my brother as I do everything for her.
I told her that I could not accept anything unless it was agreed with my brother (even though I accept and agree with her thoughts !).
Recently we agreed that she would give me £15000, but only if my brother knew.
She says she spoke to my brother to say that she wanted me to have more of her money. She says that my brother said ‘why don’t you just buy her a car’ and the £15000 suited the bill. Hence this amount.
The amount was transferred but I insisted that she told my brother that it had happened.
She then told him she had paid me £1,500 to which he apparently said that I could not buy a very good car for that amount. I insisted that she call him to tell him it was 15000 and not 1500.
During these negotiations I did not talk to my brother about the amounts as I found I quite awkward and also it was not my decision.
Tonight I have spoken to my brother who tells me he had no conversations with my mum about any car.
He says he is ok with the £15000 as long as it’s what mum wants. I am now beginning to question if I should pay the money back. I know it’s what she wants but I worry if I would be taking from a woman with dementia who can’t be relied upon for decision making,

geekesse Sat 01-Aug-20 21:56:22

Apart from anything else, you and your brother need to sort out how to manage her money in the medium to long term. If she’s still capable of giving consent, I’d suggest the two of you urgently arrange lasting power of attorney for her financial affairs. You and he seem to have a pretty good relationship, so you should communicate directly with one another about her, rather than relying on her passing messages between you.

As fast as the £15,000 goes, it rather depends on what it was for. Was she reimbursing you for costs incurred caring for you? Did she know you had a particular need for money? Again, I think you should be discussing this with your brother.

lemongrove Sat 01-Aug-20 21:57:39

If your mother can afford to give you this amount and is grateful to you for her care, then why not accept the gift?
Your brother is probably grateful too, that you are on the spot to help, and he isn’t.You have told him it has happened, which is fair, so there will no hidden unfairness.

Peardrop50 Sat 01-Aug-20 22:21:48

Sorry to hear that your Mum may be suffering from some form of dementia Betty, horrid illness.
Just a note from a practical side. Do take care over finances, if you accept money from your mother make sure it is recorded as payment for a service. As for a car at such a high value, it would need to be a gift from her to enable you to run her around or run errands for her.
If your mother were to deteriorate and need to go in to a home and you and/or your brother have received large sums from your mother this could be construed as 'deliberate deprivation of assets' the rules around which are quite complex.
Tread carefully, get proper advice and all the best to you.

Hithere Sat 01-Aug-20 22:50:49

Talk to a lawyer specialized in elder a care.

Your mother may forget she gave you that money. I wouldnt touch it just in case