Dealing with Mother after lockdown

Having been in this exact situation some years ago, I'd say that sometimes you have to put your foot down. Your mother obviously needs to be in a care home, and I'm sorry but she doesn't get to refuse when she has no inkling of the stress she is causing others.

My sister and I made that difficult decision, and despite our Mum's obstinate refusal, we forged ahead and booked her into a care home, got the assessments etc.

Mum was confused and angry about it.....for about 2 weeks. Then she 1) forgot that she'd ever been angry, and 2) started to like the home. She had nice companions, plenty of daily activities and they had a singalong every evening after dinner which she loved !

We still went to visit and took her out for meals sometimes, and we both agreed that we should have done it sooner . Mum had five happy years there before she died, and we had our freedom ,which made our relationship with her much better.

Sometimes you just have to "rip off the bandage" and do what is right for everyone, rather than going along with someone who can't make good decisions.

Best wishes to you.

Kali2, having been through the trials of dementia with two close relatives, I most certainly do not want my daughters to go through the same with me, and have added a very clearly worded paragraph to that effect in my Health and Welfare Lasting Power of Attorney.
Dh has done the same.

Hugs Betty were in the same boat again. I know it sounds bad but like you it’s the only bit of lockdown I’ve enjoyed, I haven’t had to take mum shopping ,or anywhere for that matter, she’s had two hospital admissions and 3 outpatient appointments I haven’t been able to go to, pure bliss for me as I actually have a phobia of the a and e dept I’ve had so many traumatic experiences I can’t go in now.
I’m afraid I’ll be telling my mum I can’t take her as she’s too unwell, she needs too many toilet visits and can come over sick and dizzy within minutes.I wouldn’t feel competent enough and certainly wouldn’t be able to catch her if she fell.
Does she have a wheelchair ? My mum doesn’t, but I’m thinking maybe you could take her for a short walk as a compromise. As usual there are no easy answers .

The bottom line is that you can't take her out. So make up your mind to that and it's one less thing to worry about. Maybe get a wheelchair and take her for walks and check that she's is actually wearing a pad before you go. Maybe it's time for a reassessment of her needs by social services?

I agree with Lucca. I have a much loved mother too, who does not have dementia, but is both very forgetful and stubborn. She is also not able to walk easily, and always uses her walker. I dread her getting even older and less able to be independent. She has only agreed to have one carer per day, in the morning, as she can no longer wash and dress herself. It’s a difficult problem for any of us caught in this situation. I have every sympathy for the OP.

I do wonder whether those people who just say ‘Get carers/more carers in’ or suggest that social services should assess or re-assess their needs, have ever had a relative who refuses to let such people in.
Or who, if they do manage to get in, firmly state that they are fine thank you, and need no help (aka in their eyes, strangers poking their noses in).
It’s not uncommon for them to add e.g., ‘My daughter will do whatever I need.’ (Hollow laugh.).

witzend. Yep been there. Feel your pain. I got lucky. Mum suddenly decided she wanted to live in a retirement flat. I moved fast and found her a little flat in a sheltered housing place. It’s lovely and she has care there if needed. She kicked off big style when we moved her but I gritted my teeth and ignored the abuse. It’s been the best thing we ever did. I still see her regularly but it’s not just on me now. She has carers on tap if needed. Meals delivered if she wants. It’s brilliant. We pay for what we use.

* Witzend * Yes I have one of those ! Mum has carers 3 times a day but complains everyday that she doesn’t want or need them. She has hardly any short term memory and very poor mobility but complains bitterly about the cost, even telling the carers themselves they are a waste of money. So embarrassing ?

I lived through this too and my mum came to live with us. It became a nightmare and we couldn't leave her alone or invite anyone to our house. In the end mum had to go into a care home as we couldn't cope anymore. Well I wish we had done it sooner. She was perfectly happy there and I could go back to being her daughter instead of her (permanently stressed) carer.

Witzend

*Kali2*, having been through the trials of dementia with two close relatives, I most certainly do not want my daughters to go through the same with me, and have added a very clearly worded paragraph to that effect in my Health and Welfare Lasting Power of Attorney.
Dh has done the same.

Same here actually.

Betty.
If your mum hasn’t been out for so long and had difficulties before then I would assume her mobility now must be much worse.
I would start by having this assessed and go from there.
A visit to the bathroom before a drive out just little bits pre planning for an occasional outing if they are to be possible and it might be okay, a small bit of pleasure for her.

I'm so sorry for all concerned. It must be a nightmare .
And it sends chills down my spine because, at 83, it can't be long now before I start becoming a burden on my family and I fervently don't want to.

Witzend

I do wonder whether those people who just say ‘Get carers/more carers in’ or suggest that social services should assess or re-assess their needs, have ever had a relative who refuses to let such people in.
Or who, if they do manage to get in, firmly state that they are fine thank you, and need no help (aka in their eyes, strangers poking their noses in).
It’s not uncommon for them to add e.g., ‘My daughter will do whatever I need.’ (Hollow laugh.).

And that is where you say to the assessors " Sorry, Mother is wrong, I won't be able to do any more for her ". You don't let Mother run the show .

My granny lived with an aunt, uncle and cousin but complained that she didn’t see anyone from one day to the next. She eventually came to live with us because of this. My Mum, Dad, three brothers, me and the dog in three bedroom flat with one living room. Not long after my Mum heard her telling someone that she hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone in weeks!

She eventually was cared for in the local convent because of continence problems. They had a sing song with piano etc every afternoon but Granny would be sitting looking shrivelled and miserable by whoever was undertaking the daily visit! Sister John suggested coming 15 minutes earlier next day! There was Granny conducting the music from her chair, smiling, singing along but watching the clock. When it got to three o’clock she sank back in to her chair looking like the picture of misery.

My Mum had “issues” but always said to check out the local homes carefully and then accommodate her where we thought best but never have her live with any of us! I feel exactly the same. My granny wasn’t nasty or aggressive but was homesick for her previous life.

I have not been able to see my older sister (who lives in a care home) for over a year. He adult children are now able to visit occasionally, but to be honest, I have felt relieved not to se her. I am actually dreading the time when visits will be allowed, as she will want me to take her out in the car. There will be similar problems as the OP experiences.

My mum had a fall last night in the hallway and was on the floor all night until 9.30 this morning. I called 999 and she is now in hospital as she said he back hurts and her blood pressure is too low. I am looking into care homes but am feeling apprehensive in case they send her home yet again with nothing wrong. I’m just watching her walk a tightrope again and not being able to save her

I’m so sorry to hear that Betty, poor mum. Didn’t she have her alarm with her ? I fear this is what will happen to my mum as she doesn’t wear hers. Ask to speak with her social worker whilst she’s in hospital and air your concerns if they deem her dementia too far gone to make decisions it’ll be a lot easier for you to make a decision, The best of luck

ask to speak to the nurse in charge and tell her that your mother's needs have changed.
ask for a full assessment by OT and social worker with a suitable care plan before she is discharged.
tell them you are concerned she is not safe at home.

I agree with welbeck. What was suitable for your mum previously will not be suitable now. She is evidently deteriorating and whilst the hospital won't keep her in any longer than necessary they won't discharge her to an unsafe environment. However, I do wish you well and hope you can have some rest from all that you are having to endure whilst mum is hospitalised.

I have see it in other threads: do not let hospital or social workers send your mother home thinking you are still responsible for her.

Thank you. The doctor actually called me for my side of the story as mums version is sugar coated, saying she is fine and just wants to go home. Thankfully they are keeping her in and giving her an assessment tomorrow. It was so nice to talk to the doctor and tell her all my concerns regarding her safety and well being. Fingers crossed.

Kali2

How long before it is our turn??? And will we expect patience and kindness- or will we just do as we are told and go into a care home like good little old biddies, and sit there until the time comes. Will you?

And as said, when they are gone - they are gone forever. And some will regret their unkind words and lack of patience. Sad beyond words.

I don’t think guilt is the right tack here, OP will miss her mother when she is gone, guilty her about that now is not helpful in anyway shape or form. All it will do is to make her feel worse.

Op, I have no advice for you, but that sounds like a really tough situation for you. I hope you can find some workarounds soon

We’ve said the same to our children Betty65. I’d hate to put this type of burden on them, and your mum would probably say the same if she wasn’t confused. It’s gone past the point where you can manage. My friend’s mum had just this with her dad, died last week. He was constantly incontinent, to the point it was becoming unsafe.
You need help....it’s not fair on you. I think it’s lovely you’ve managed this far. All the best.

Betty - hope your mum feels a bit better soon, glad you got to speak to the doctor. She’s safe and taken care of, so try and have a wee rest now while you know that she’s safe and sound. Take care

Betty65 good news you spoke with the doctor, ? for the best outcome, for all.