Problem with gardener

Somebody asked if gardeners are hard to find.
From my own experience they are.
I had no intention of doing paid work ever again when I retired 17 years ago.
Then in spring 2020 my close friends parents were told by their gardener that because of covid he wouldn’t be doing their garden. I was asked if I would do their garden. Then another friend was told the same thing by her gardener. Again, could I do hers.
They both know that I can’t go on forever ( I’m 75) but they both say the same thing: nobody wants to know.

He's not a skilled gardener. From what we've been told he is good at digging and heavy work but a plantsperson is a different thing isn't it?

It sounds as though Sloegin and her DH are both keen and experienced gardeners already and just need someone to do the heavy work.

It should be easy enough to find a strong young person (or older) who wants a bit of extra cash and who could discover if they want to garden as a career.

Unless you do all the DIY yourself, we always employ people to do the things we can't.
My DS1 came over last w/end and I told him he had to help me rethread my kitchen pulley which had broken and fallen down. A tall ladder was required and I didn't want to attempt the job on my own. He protested that he was not the right son and didn't do DIY. However after gentle persuasion and a look on YouTube, he did it perfectly and went off feeling very proud of his new skill.

If DH enjoys the garden and you do too you should stay and enjoy it as long as you are able.
The garden was such a joy for us both during last year's lockdown and DH being shielded.

Just remind me again - you're paying him right? If you let him get away with treating you badly then he will. Find someone else, unless of course you don't mind the bad language, abusiveness, upset, anger etc!

* I'm a bit shocked by the comments here telling Sloegin to 'pull up her big knickers' and to put up with the swearing and shouting* I DIDNT SAY THAT As often happens you have put your own incorrect interpretation on my post Scones I didn’t tell sloegin to put up with swearing or any other bad behaviour My advice about the knickers was to stop going over and over what she’d ‘done wrong’ (she’d done nothing wrong but was beating herself up that she had)
Luckily Sloegin seemed to understand what I was advising although you obviously didn’t.
It was said in the original post that there were little choice and he was a good gardener so surely it’s about her being able to find a way to feel comfortable

A Little story about a gardener. My DH's GF did occasional gardening work for people - it was a sort of hobby I think. One afternoon he was working for a rather snooty woman who bragged about meeting the Sheriff of Nottingham that evening at an official dinner.

Imagine her face when she was introduced to the Sheriff - her gardener in full regalia.

Newquay
Love your comment

Sago, I'm sorry that you experienced similar but nice for me that you totally understand how I'm feeling. Trying to heal the rift in the hope of thinking he'd reciprocate with an apology was my mistake and I feel so foolish.

Try and forget recent incidents and if happy with what this person is doing for you'let sleeping dogs lie. Saying that ,as he has upset you by his attitude, and you seem uncertain, and having been in your position it took me ages to find a replacement .am now very happy with my present gardener and only give him garden work. I take him tea/coffee outside and he sits in his vehicle to eat his lunch brought with him.He uses my outside toilet Never have him in the house.So shop around .I would be inclined to find a gardener who is a gardener and not claims can decorate etc etc etc.as well To each their trade what ever they claim. Good luck.

Do you feel that as he’s working for you he should touch his forelock? There respect and a certain snobbery here. Is it that he’s your gardener and should know his place? Or is it genuinely that he’s been unpleasant? Think,of how you’ve spoken to him in the past if your not happy find another gardener.

Sloegin when you are feeling down it is horrible and demoralising to be treated as you were. I think you have had some good practical advice on here but you also need some sympathy for your personal predicament. My neighbour stopped me and complained about the big stone with the house name on it at the bottom of the drive. I said it was impossible to move so his reaction was he would put a bin liner over it. I told him I would take it off again. Next day he apologised when I said I had found him aggressive. Thing is I don’t want to garden down there any more or even walk down the rest of the shared driveway, so I know these unpleasant incidents can be very up setting especially when you had always been kind, maybe too kind to your gardener.

I think you would be much more comfortable to find another solution and get rid of this gardener. Just tell him you don’t need him in the winter, you can’t afford it or something. Then sort something in the new year. Take care now.

Follow Blue bell’s advice. I wouldn’t lose a gardener.
Just let him turn up, give him a cuppa-if he’s there that long, even a couple of biscuits-keep the dog inside and THAT’s IT! ?

Grammaretto

Are good gardeners so very hard to find?
Perhaps during covid everything is hard but there will be someone out there who will be on your wavelength.

I pay a gardener who comes for about 3 hours each week as since DH died I cannot manage it by myself. She is a young woman who has done courses in horticulture and is building up her business. She is always polite and explains things to me.

I had to employ a tree surgeon for some really big scale lopping and shredding.

In the past we hosted volunteers from all over the world who mowed the grass, built a raised bed, trimmed trees - all kinds of general labouring. This source has dried up now out thanks to Brexit and Covid but it is interesting about personalities and there was one guy who would never take instructions from me, only from DH. I got so annoyed by him that I said "This is not working out for me, can you please find another host" and he did.

The work exchange was and will be again a wonderful source of both help and meeting interesting people. Some of our over 200 volunteers are still in touch.
www.workaway.info/en/hostlist/europe/gb
www.helpx.net/
wwoof.org.uk/

I am sorry you have been so upset by this rough fellow.

Thank you for this. I love the idea of hosting volunteers as we're involved for some years in the Host scheme for International students run by British Council. Sadly, because of my husband's health problems, we couldn't manage to host a volunteer.

I think you need to consider the following:

Is this man's behaviour so upsetting to you that you would really prefer to do without his work, even if it means you have to give up growing vegetables?

He is a recovering acoholic, and the behaviour you describe is fairly typical for anyone trying hard not to drink.

Can you accept that his rudeness, and the fact that he disregards your wishes and does things his own way, may be part of his history as an alcoholic?

Is the gardener afraid of dogs? Many people are.

How does your husband feel about this incident? Would he be willing to let the garden go to pot?

Can you find another gardener or a firm that will do a basic amount of gardening for a reasonable amount of money?

Offensive language is so common these days that those who use it really do not comprehend why you (or I) are offended or disgusted by it. Their attitude is "Everyone speaks like that" Can you accept his language as part of who he is?

Finally, is there any harm in him thinking your text message was actually an apology? You feel he has been disrepectful, but what about his feelings? Might you not both be feeling that you have been treated disrespectfully by the other?

If you want him to continue working for you, I think you need to tell him that you were annoyed by his attitude, but realise that he had felt the dog running at him was annoying and agree to let bygones be bygones

Sloegin I'm sorry you have been feeling low for some time and this recent incident has knocked you right back. I expect the seasonal change in daylight doesn't help either. Are you able to get out to meet friends for coffee or exercise and a good chat?
Have you had a word with your GP? If you really start to feel overwhelmed talking therapy and/or a course of antidepressants could help you to feel more like your old self.

Sloegin I understand how you feel as I had an incident with a decorator this summer.

I was shouted at in my own home by this man, he waited until my husband was out to do this.

I was so shocked, I shouted back, he left the house and waited outside until my husband returned , he knows he will never set foot inside again.

I felt violated and extremely angry, my home is my haven and he had tarnished it.

Only time will heal and getting rid of him.

Do not try and heal the rift, leave it.

Are good gardeners so very hard to find?
Perhaps during covid everything is hard but there will be someone out there who will be on your wavelength.

I pay a gardener who comes for about 3 hours each week as since DH died I cannot manage it by myself. She is a young woman who has done courses in horticulture and is building up her business. She is always polite and explains things to me.

I had to employ a tree surgeon for some really big scale lopping and shredding.

In the past we hosted volunteers from all over the world who mowed the grass, built a raised bed, trimmed trees - all kinds of general labouring. This source has dried up now out thanks to Brexit and Covid but it is interesting about personalities and there was one guy who would never take instructions from me, only from DH. I got so annoyed by him that I said "This is not working out for me, can you please find another host" and he did.

The work exchange was and will be again a wonderful source of both help and meeting interesting people. Some of our over 200 volunteers are still in touch.
www.workaway.info/en/hostlist/europe/gb
www.helpx.net/
wwoof.org.uk/

I am sorry you have been so upset by this rough fellow.

Sloegi
You need to be busy now to take your mind off him ? or practice some CBT.
But, if you do need/ want him back, least said soonest mended and fake it to make it.

Sorry, I should have added that planning the way forwards as I suggested, if it’s for you, would help you not to dwell on this unpleasant business.

As you can’t easily find another gardener and we’re coming up to the time of year when not much will need doing in the garden, my inclination would be to keep him on for the time being, but letting your husband deal with him and just taking him a tea/coffee outside unless your husband can do that (you say he’s not in good health). Then I would set about looking into getting some raised beds put in if that’s affordable and you think your husband could manage them (and if he was a keen gardener I would think he’d love the opportunity to grow the veg again). Have you seen the chap on Gardeners’ World who is in a wheelchair and has some raised beds and long-handled tools for the others? Perhaps your lady gardener could advise and the ‘general garden maintenance’ people could put them in at a reasonable price over the winter when they might be glad of the work? The general maintenance people could doubtless do any pruning and hedge cutting you and your husband can’t manage. Then you can bid your present gardener a friendly farewell. Good luck. I hate confrontations too.

Sloegin, your feelings sound out of proportion to the matter itself. We do tend to dwell and ruminate on things when we're unhappy with our own past actions - or reactions.

Try to accept that you made some mistakes, you failed to keep a suitable distance, you had high expectations etc. - then just forgive yourself and move on.

Sorry, didn't finish that sentence- it's advice and support about how I'm feeling following this incident I was hoping for.

Whilst I've appreciated some of the practical advice not many seem to have picked up that it's advice and support about how I'm feeling following this incident. Maybe my fault for going into too much detail in OP. Some of the critical responses haven't helped me feel better about myself. This incident has almost tipped me over into depression. I just want to go to bed and hide but unfortunately too much to do to allow me to do that. I do seem to dwell on things more than I used to.

I understand how you feel, my husband asked one of his retired golfing friends to garden for us, and he really patronised me. He shouted at me outside the village shop about payment - I thought my husband was paying him. My friend was in the shop doorway and he said 'have you ever worked for this woman?' Luckily she defended me. In the end I didn't even take him a cup of tea, he was a pig, I can't even remember how he stopped coming. Unfortunately now I've moved I live opposite him!

A widowed friend had a new gardener, unfortunately when he was strimming the lawn a stone jumped up and broke her patio window. She then found out he wasn't insured. Do ask your husband to find out if your gardener has insurance.

The gardener is not going to adapt to you. It is annoying when a workman needs micromanaging especially when you don't like his mannerisms.

If this were me, I'd not get rid of him because of the swear words but because he disobeys or misunderstands instructions. Are you sure you told him explicitly and clearly where to place the fridge freezer?

I'd be worried that he might be so pig headed he'd do some work that you'd consider actual damage.

I suppose your work must not have included managing sweary underlings, so you were quite fortunate really to always have been treated with respect.

All advice to adopt a simple employer/employee attitude towards the gardener is good advice. Actually, I have had to get used to worse rudeness from workmen than you describe, including patronising facetiousness so I understand how employees can hurt your feelings.

I agree with others that the OP shouldn’t have to stay in the house or go out when he is there gardening, it’s a bad job when you feel so uncomfortable with him that you feel obliged to keep out of his way. It’s your domain after all, not his.

Also agree about lunches, I make any workman a tea or coffee, no biscuits as I try not to have them in the house, and certainly wouldn’t be providing food. Bad enough deciding what to have for ourselves without any needless extras.

If after a while she still feels uncomfortable about it all, try and find another gardener, but remember sometimes better the devil you know.