Grandkids

crazyH

I was in a similar position 6 years ago when my son asked me to do regular babysitting. I, very politely explained that I was committed to my daughters children 2 to 3 days a week, and I really didn’t have the time or energy to do any more. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but it had to be said. I guess they were a bit miffed at first. But I felt no guilt, because if need be, they had dils parents and could afford to pay for a childminder. I did say I would do the odd babysitting if they were stuck. Also, I was a very nervous driver and I just couldn’t risk having kids in the car. It’s all ok now.

Thats a shitty thing to do? is your DD the blue eyed child? Or do you just not like your son? What you do for one...you do for the rest.. or dont do for any.

That is harsh Louisa, my goodness what a nasty post.

Tell them no, book a holiday and just go and leave them to it.

Jinny, please set a hard end date on when you will be done your sitting duties. You deserve your time.

I’d probably finish, then go away having not previously told them. You can’t mind the children if you aren’t there. If they have not sorted care, well it will not be your fault.

If you are too nervous to do this, please look into therapy to raise your confidence- it will do wonders for you

Jinny it's time to hand your notice in, in writing. You can't set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

Give them a reasonable end date, so they do have time to find alternate arrangements.

Perhaps book yourself a week away if you can for when it ends so they know you literally won't be there.

You can always offer the amount of time you can manage so you still get to spend time with grandchildren...

Jinny Has this daughter always ruled the roost like this demanding that everyone run their lives round her and her family? And is their a reason, why all of you, including her sisters have submitted to her demands and fulfilled them?

Was she ill as a child or did she have a traumatic eperience of some kind, so that everybody for good reason at the time ran their world around hers?

If this is so, then the time has come when it must stop. You must talk to your other daughters to tell them what you plan to do and ask them to also rethink how often they bow to their sisters demands.

The daughter in question has married, had children and formed a separate household so with her husband must decide on the best way to provide childcare for their children, without expecting her parents to be the solution to the childcare problem and any other they may have.

I am with all those who say, no argument, no discussion. Hand your notice in and get her sisters to do the same. If she turns up on the door mat the day after your notice expires, just refuse to open the door, and if she tries to use your grandchildren to emotionally blackmail you into continuing, just still quietly say 'No'

OP, don't rant or rave any more.
just state, in writing that you are unable to do it from, <date>.
remember that you do not have to persuade or convince them to agree, you do not need their permission.
you. are. not. a. slave.

Louisa1523 !!!

Jinny before you have a conversation with your daughter and SIL I suggest you make a list for yourself of the reasons you no longer want to child mind just to clarify in your own mind. This will help you to be very clear with them when you talk to them.

Also I suggest you think very very carefully what you are willing to offer (1/2 day a week? 1 day a week? occasional babysitting? nothing at all?) and make that clear when you talk to them.

Give them a very clear end date with enough time to make new arrangements.

Arrange a break away for very very soon after you have stopped child minding

Good luck

Jinny54

His parents live in Newcastle & hundreds of miles away. So it's just me..hubby & other daughter because D & sil won't pay for childcare.

Won’t or can’t? Either way it’s not really your responsibility. If you want to offer some help in the future, work out what you would be happy and able to do and offer them that.

You need to tell them you cannot do it anymore and it is affecting the quality of life for you and your husband.
Sorry to say this, and sound harsh but they are free loaders, free childcare, free use of your husbands car, what entitlement.

Louisa1523 - I should have added, and been a bit clearer….. there’s a 14/15 year gap between my daughter’s children and my son’s. I was 14/15 years younger at the time. I hope you will now understand .

maybe Louisa1523 has got lost, wandered in from Mumsnet.
sounds like it.

Madgran has said exactly what I was going to say Jinny54. Decide with your husband exactly what help you are able to comfortably offer your family and stick to your guns but calmly.
Your family are taking you for granted.

This is not on. It’s a tricky situation tho as it’s like saying you don’t love them if you won’t look after them and it sounds like they are maybe using those tactics? Why on earth can’t they pay for childcare? I made it clear from the start that I would look after my grandchildren on my terms and was not there to be dumped on. They are taking advantage big style and you need to stop it.

The three year old should certainly get some free nursery time, but I fear you are seen as the easy cheap option. I think you and your DH together must sit them down and say you just can't do it from such and such a date and do get your car back.
I don't think you have said where your DH is with this arrangement.

Set out the time you feel you can manage the children and say to your daughter you would love to be fit enough to carry on the way you are, but that it is not fair to the children when you are too exhausted to play with them

They’re taking the p**s.
Just say no!

I really don't know how you put up with this. I'm 69 and my OH 76 and we couldn't do it part time let alone 30 hours a week. You've done your share of child rearing why on earth does she think you want to carry on doing it now at your ages? I think they are both very selfish people. Put your foot down and say no. Don't answer the door when they bring the children or make sure you're out when they are expected. But say no. As for the car, who pays the tax, insurance, wear and tear for it? You? Stop doing that straight away and tell them to buy their own. Sorry if this sounds harsh but they won't take no for an answer so you need to make sure that you don't make it possible for them to take advantage of you like this. Because that's exactly what they are doing and you need to take time for yourself in your retirement while you can. Good luck. Please let us all know how you get on .

Stop allowing yourself to be treated as a doormat!

Tell these children's parents that much as you love them and your grandchildren, looking after them is now beyond you and that from such and such a date you will no longer do it.

Then book yourselves into a cheap B&B from the date you have set and make sure you leave to go there before the time of day where the children usually are brought to your place.

Have a nice peaceful couple of days away, and do not answer phone calls from your D and SIL,Answer by text if you like, that you are away from home as you assumed they had made other arrangements for child-care, as you had given them notice that you were discontinuing it.

Good grief- did I read that right? Your son in law has your car?!
No- that needs to stop! Tell me you don’t pay extra for his insurance and fuel?

As to childcare- you are doing too much and finding it difficult and stressful. A baby and a toddler are far too much for that amount of time. The 3 year old should be eligible for 30 hours free childcare and if they are on a low income there is extra help with childcare costs ( www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs )

I know it will be an uncomfortable conversation, but it has to be done. Give them a date to organise things by, and book a holiday, preferably one that needs the car!

I think I would be very tempted to move away! Failing that get the locks changed and don’t answer the door after you have texted that you can’t have the children any more!

I really do feel for you Jinny, I know how difficult it can be to be browbeaten by a child with a domineering personality. Like so many here have said, you are being bullied, and that’s not ok. Regardless of what you do for people who treat you like this, it will never be enough. I think you are going to have to put on your big girl pants, tell them it doesn’t suit you going forward and you’re giving them 2 weeks (or whatever) to sort out childcare. Book yourselves a few days away if you can so there is a definite cut off date. Remember, you can’t change them, only yourself, best of luck!!

I would put it in a letter saying that you don’t mind having kids now and again but your nanna not mother. I know one of my daughter inlaws puts on her mum and dad. She will sit and say mum you can have kids tonight not do you mind etc. I’ve even said you shouldn’t just expect your parents to do it in front of them and parents will say it’s fine we don’t mind but faces say different. Guess that’s because she is an only child. I’ve even said I won’t be that soft when I move near. As I said I’ve had my kids and I’m there nanna not a nanny. My other daughter inlaw as a child minder for work and us grandparents To be grandparents for odd night babysitting or taking days out but never puts on me or her mum

Could you possibly 'invent an illness' that you or your husband have, thereby making it impossible to look after the grandchildren any longer.

I agree with all the above, it's totally unacceptable that they are treating you like this. Call a halt, put them on to the free Government childcare and repossess your car.

Now, here's a caveat. My DDs MIL chose to take on childcare for her four grandchildren from two sons, all a similar age. She did have a Nanny to help and the arrangement was much appreciated. It was her choice and she had always been a controlling helicopter parent.

I made sure we got on for my DDs sake, but she was always wanting to discuss how they were living their lives. I refused to be drawn in and changed the subject every time.

She also tried to make me feel guilty for living in France and not down the road so I could have taken on a share. This I would not have done whatever. However, I would fly over every three or four times a month and do childcare especially in half terms and holidays when the time came. I looked after my son's DD also. To me this was a perfect arrangement and had some really wonderful times while my little ones were growing up. Of course there were times when I flew back when there was an emergency. I was doing exactly what I was prepared to do if I had been living down the road.

When the youngest started school DDs MIL said she would do no more childminding and was looking forward to taking up painting and seeing her friends. With weeks she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 2 years later after a reasonable time but obviously difficult with all the medical care. It was so very, very sad and she totally missed her metime.

I really do feel that after the early struggles of adulthood, bringing up children and working retirement should definitely be the time to look after yourselves, call the shots and ENJOY.