Grandkids

Could you start by reducing the hours they are with you and work from there?

Honestly you need to "grow a pair" here

Start by withdrawing your car!!! Then move on to the kids.

Jinny54 my heart goes out to you. Dealing with such little ones at our age is not right.
I also get the psychological nonsense from my daughter. She and her husband have taken on two extra teenagers who have lost both parents. I was expected to love them as I love my Granddaughter....and to do it straight away.
I have tried for a year now to stand my ground on what I will and won't do. It's hard.
A therapist once told me that the simplest way to assert yourself in difficult situations is to 1. Know what you want to say. 2. Be specific and 3. Repeat as often as necessary.
All the best to you !

Just say no.

Would they pay you the going rate? I think you can expect to be paid and,as and when you are, they can pay someone else who wants the job. I’m younger than you and in pretty good health - it’s blooming hard work! Might you also point out it’s putting the children at risk as you are not able to respond to potential emergencies- hopefully never happening but……..

I had to move house due to stress and worry my daughter gave me. It made me ill.
We text when necessary but she's not invited up.

You do sound stressed out by it all. How sad that you are not enjoying your grandchildren at the moment. Remember that your daughter can't MAKE you have her little ones but it really does sound like you need to learn how to say no without any guilt. Try a casual chat along the lines of oh by the way we are out on such and such a day so you will need to sort something else out for the kids. Yes have a break away. We dont mind our children asking us to do anything for them but we have always said we reserve the right to say no and don't have to explain ourselves. I work on the theory of just because you can doesn't mean you must. Good luck.

This is bullying and coercive on the part of your DD and SIL

DON'T STAND FOR IT - SAY "NO".

Tell them when they pick the kids up today that tomorrow is the last time you'll be having them. You've been telling them for long enough and now you've had enough!

Don't back down when they say they've got no-one else, stick to your guns, they are their children and their responsibility to either look after or pay for cover.

Maybe even lie tell them that you've decided you're going out every day next week and if you enjoy it you'll be doing it every week from now on

I am with all those who say that you are being bullied, at worst, or used at best. It is time to say NO repeatedly. It all sounds like very unpleasant behaviour. I hope that both you and your husband can agree how much childcare and use of your car you want to provide, and firmly stick by it. No divide and conquer. Write it down if you think that will help, and give them firm notice of a date when your services will be withdrawn.

I am also 68 and not in the best of health but I only have my last DGD 3 times a week after school for a couple of hours. Obviously I have her a few more hours in the school holidays. This is more than enough for me and it’s only until she goes to secondary school next year. I really wouldn’t manage the hours you are expected to do with much younger children.

Oh Jinny, I do really feel for you and your husband. It sounds like your daughter and SiL are all for Their rights and non of Their responsibilities. We all make choices in life,but, it does sound like your choices to a long and happy retirement are just not being met, yet. Stay strong and maybe get you and your other daughter(the nurse) together and discuss the current situation. Please don’t put up and shut up. Feel free to PM me if you want to rant some more. Always here to listen. ?

Man up and say a big fat NO! You only have one life and now is your time, enjoy being selfish.?

My GS goes to a registered childminder now he's 3. I've helped out a lot with him and his younger sister because I like it that way.
However, occasionally when it gets too much, I ask for a break. No harm done. Ask and you shall receive... failing that, hide behind the sofa!

I think too many grandparents are used for free childcare whilst the parents are working…you have to be firm and say no or only agree to an occasional evening babysitting to allow the parents to go out for the evening…. Good luck.

It sounds as though you find it difficult to argue back or state no and keep to it, so I think that one idea would be to quietly arrange a few days away somewhere, dont tell them and then just set off and send them an email saying you are having a few days away. Dont tell them where and dont answer any phone calls from them. If you dont actually speak to them you can think clearly and do as you chose. It will be difficult and you may feel guilty about it but stick to it and then do the same thing a few weeks later. By doing this you are reinstating your right to do as you please in your life. You have already brought the children up and it is now their turn to look after their children. You then can say , that after all the years you have been doing things for the family, you realize you need to take the opportunity to do a few things you want to , while you have the energy and ability to do so. Write a list for yourself where you remind yourself that you have every right to live your life as you choose, that you are not second class citizens who must fit their lives round other people, keep in touch with friends who do their own thing so that you can not be browbeaten into thinking that their selfish and greedy use of your time and your belongings is normal. It isnt!! As far as we know we only have one life, and having spent many years providing a home and life for your family it is not down to you to repeat it for the grandchildren .If you can afford it ,go to an area you do not know well and rent a cottage or stay b and b or try going back to Youth Hostel - I have done quite a bit of that before covid. find out what you like and think of new ideas to try. Good luck to you and YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE, dont let them take over and take away your life to suit them.

I think too many grandparents are used for free childcare whilst the parents are working

Possibly but that only matters if the grandparents are not happy about doing it. For nearly 10 years we provided one day a week of childcare for our two grandchildren. I am SO glad we did that now that they have moved quite a distance away and we see them far less, we have a strong established relationship with little routines that they still remember. I am not saying that can't happen anyway, just that that was the outcome for us.

However from the very beginning we were VERY clear that we would only do one day per week as standard with possible extras in a real emergency. We also made clear that when we were going away we would always try to give notice but we would go away and other arrangements would have to be made. To be fair to our son HE never queried this and never complained or expected more than we offered.

Jinny That is where you need to aim for in your childcare arrangement if you wish to continue offering any time at all. However you may feel that enough is enough, especially as you have some health issues, in which case hard as it is you will have to draw a line. I am sorry that what should be a pleasure has turned into a battleground for you.

I just don’t understand how you can be bullied by your own family and at your age into doing this. Give them an end date and notice that the arrangement is coming to an end.

Tell me about it! We had same selfish attitude from son and lazy partner.
You must be strong and not let them bully you to take on more than you are safe doing.
This will most likely cause a rift but I hope you find a peaceful resolution for all.x

Hey Louisa1523-dont be so rude!
We have opinions and advice but we DONT have the right to be so downright rude about people we do not know! If you can't be nice or at least helpful stfu

Be brave this is your time and it's too much

Jinny54

My other D who has no kids yet has said that soon we will go away for a week & leave her to it. My other D also gets put on to help with the kids & she is a hard working teenage cancer nurse & also gets fed up of having her free time taken up with the kids. We do take them out when she is off but U cannot on my own because sil is using my car for work. Won't moan any more honest!!

Whaaa? She's using your car as well? Blimey time to stop my dear. Also. Car insurance is dependent on who is the main driver, so I would check out her Insurance arrangements I bet she's not properly insured!! What selfish people , sounds like one of my offspring!!

Mummer

You are calling louisa rude but you are asking her to stfu?

If you are getting nowhere with basically giving notice work out the hourly rate a nursery would charge for looking after the two children plus food of course. Add a bit of a premium as the children will be the only clients therefore receiving greater attention had they been in a group of say 5 or six. Tell her you will be applying to be a childminder r to enable you to charge. Of course you will have holidays when DD will have to find an alternative childminder. So many people have children nowadays as if they will be everyone else's responsibility. Your DD needs to look at her lifestyle if she is stressed, all she is doing is passing it on to you.

We sometimes agree to demands from children because we want a quiet life! It’s emotional blackmail.
Give them notice a week before before and tell them you will be having a break the following week .You don’t even have to go away,just relax in your own home.

Why don't you book yourselves a fortnight away (if too expensive perhaps stay with family), book it for first week in April and inform them that you are going away and will not be looking after the children from then on.

If you are able to, print off a list of child carers, nurseries etc. ,and give this to them. You have done your child care they are the parents not you. And if they are nasty I will tell them some home truths, and I suspect there will be a queue of us ready and waiting for them.