Mum won't pay for care.

Assuming she doesn’t have dementia or any other cognitive issues, I’d leave her to stew in it. It’s her life and her choice.

She doesn't have dementia. She is very strong willed and I am pretty sure she has the capacity to make her own decisions. I am leaving her to it, but what I REALLY hate is that I feel like whatever happens to her it feels like it's my fault for not stepping in. This is because she has never taken (and never will) take responsibility for herself and the bad decisions she makes.

I recently stayed there and spent time getting help in place, but everything I have done for her, she has undone. It seems like she is not happy whatever I do and never sees that her present situations are a result of choices she made to move away. Even if I did give up work and have her here, she would still not be happy. She even admits that.

She sounds like a very self centred woman. Why on earth should you have to pay for her care or give up your job to look after her. I'd definitely leave her to it and let her reap whatever she is sowing.

Ahh its just my baggage I suppose. I am a solution orientated person so when she complains I try to put things right- but then she undoes all my good work.

She agrees to things to my face and then complains behind my back, also does the same to my siblings and thinks we won't compare notes.

It goes against the grain to ignore her woes, but my siblings will have nothing to do with her and I'm starting to see why- it's so frustrating. She made a very bad decision to move far away. At the time I was very hurt, but what she has done is shot herself in the foot, far away from the one child who has the most patience. I am despairing though.

‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I simply cannot afford to give up work to look after you, nor can I afford to pay for your care. You have enough money to pay for the help you need - if you choose not to pay that is your choice, but you will have to put up with the consequences.’

It will all come to you eventually., you do what you can, if is not enough and she has the money it’s not your fault, her choice.. Some people after a lifetime of being careful, get very mean, I think they think they can take money with them, but it’s entrenched behaviour and you won’t change it, so don’t try to do the impossible. Decide how much care and company you can provide and tell her, look after yourself, I would be upset to make my children my carers.

Mum always has been very tight with money, which I could understand when we were younger. Now, she counts as a wealthy woman, with considerable savings , investments and many pensions. I know how much some of them are and she has more disposable income than most people. It's just a shame that she refuses to use her money for a better life.

She has moved several hundred miles away and I do not drive. The whole thing is very frustrating and upsetting.

I know it will all come to me and my siblings eventually (If she hasn't left it to charity) but I'd rather she had the care she needed so I'd have a lesser amount. As it is she's in danger, but even though I know it's her choice, I feel so guilty, which is crazy because she moved away.

It is not your fault, this is a woman who can make her own decisions.

I am sorry you are going to have to watch her self-neglect, it is rather selfish of her to put her money above everything else.

She can make her own decisions and she is, but they are very BAD decisions and it's "everyone else's fault but hers" because she's always blamed everyone else and never taken responsibility.

It's just so sad that living where she is, she's likely to have another fall but another one will kill her and she isn't even willing to have her bed downstairs or keep herself safe. She isn't wearing the fall alarm I got her, either.

My siblings are currently NOT talking to her because of the self neglect. I am talking to her, but its getting me down.

Elizabeth27 YES and yet I will feel selfish for putting my need of earning and paying my pension credits before my mother

I understand why you feel bad about it, but what choice is she giving you? She really wants to have her cake and eat it, doesn’t she.

I think you should spell it out to her exactly what her actions (or inactions) could lead to and you should say that you will bear no responsibility for her future. Making one’s own bed and all that.

Please don’t feel guilty OnwardandUpward, this is your mother’s decision, not yours. You live several hundred miles away from her, you don’t drive so you can’t physically help her and you’ve tried to help her by organising care.
The one thing I would do if I were you is to alert her GP and the local community care team that she is refusing help, then when something happens they will be aware and can put pressure on her - she might listen to them (but probably won’t).

I agree with others before me as she is of sound mind, you’ve done your best, she’s an adult.p, her decisions, her choice. It’s difficult for you, sad and selfish of her when others may have to pick up the pieces.

I think you need to take a step back here, your mum is a grown adult and still capable of making her own decisions.

I understand why people show so much love and care to mums who don't show any back but I don't think you will ever really get her love and approval.

Let her get on with things for a bit....

Sorry you are struggling with this

Disengage

She is entitled and delusional

She is able to make her own decisions, do not let her take you down with her

Thanks everyone, I did go there for a few weeks but I missed my life and lost a lot of money due to missing work!

Part of me wants to yell and tell her the truth, but the other part knows it will break her and I can't bring myself to yell or get angry. My siblings don't talk to her, and now I know why, yet why do I still feel sorry for her?

I don't think her mental health is great as she's not replying to her friends and she can't have them round to visit because she lied to them about something big and doesn't want them to know. So, she's cut herself off.

Violetsky, I don't think I need her approval. I went there because she had an accident and my sister was in hospital herself. If I do need approval I'm not aware of it and approve of myself.

I do feel horribly guilty though because she thrived when I was there and now I'm not it's all gone to pot.

Thats good Onward

Human beings are kind of hardwired to seek their mums love and approval and that often stretches into adulthood no matter how hard their the relationship...

Apart from all the stages of development they fight against it lol

I suppose so @Violetsky but hand on heart I genuinely didn't do anything for approval, that I'm aware of. It's more a case that she was sent home from hospital in a dire state and there was literally no one else.

I feel quite resigned to not being approved of- and in any case even if I was "approved of" I would know I was being backstabbed, so it's not something I'd be able to trust in. LOL

It took me a long time to get to that point, it's a good place to be

Yes it is Violetsky

When she moved away a few hundred miles, I was initially devastated but I began to thrive without the put downs. Now she really does need help, but I found she is cancelling things behind my back like the cleaner, the care I organised...because I KNOW she can afford it and because I NEED to work. It is really, really annoying but I have to respect her wishes.

Basically if she cannot have one of her children to wait on her and be where she is, she will self neglect and demise. That's really a horrible feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone. I know another fall will finish her. I would prefer she didn't make me feel as bad in her death as she has in her life.

We may have the same mother.

I spent the last 12 weeks cleaning up years of her mess. She has been home for 2 weeks and has unraveled most of what I did to help her. Even to the point where she thinks I did things wrong when I filed years of back taxes and she think she shouldn't owe penalties and interest. So I dod ot wrong.

She is treating my sister, who lives there for now, as an indentured servant. Literally 15 hours a day doing everything for her and causing more work.

My sister. Who lost her jib when mom went I to the hospital, finally got accepted for State medical care and got some food assistance with it. My mom demanded my sister buy the groceries for the whole house with her assistance.

She is about to be estranged from all 3 of her kids. The only reason we haven't is because she will die. But now that she is home and is actively sabotaging her healing, we are about to leave her to it.

Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a tangent. I just understand exactly where you are right now. I am in the same place.

Even if she couldn't afford it and you didn't need to work - it is no reason to give up your life