Husband going into care home

A big thank you to everyone for your kind words and understanding. Hubby is still in rehab centre waiting for a suitable care home . There seem to be a shortage of places that can cope with his needs but our social worker is brilliant and is trying her best and I am sure something suitable will be available soon meanwhile he is happy where he is. Luckily he still has good understanding and enough common sense to realise we couldn’t cope with him at home. We have just celebrated an anniversary and his birthday both of which brought tears but we had a glass of wine and a fancy cake together. We are both trying to make the best of a terrible situation and I am sure we will adapt more as time goes on. The tearful days are getting less frequent and at least we still have a good relationship

Whammo, I am sorry you are both in this sad situation, her more than you. You have got to a stage when one of the two of you is going to have to be the strong incisive one, and it seems this is going to be you. Best wishes.

Welshchrissy, you feel upset and guilty because your decision was so complicated you can't immediately recall why you decided as you did. And then it takes time and thought to recall all it took to decide as you did.

Through time you will remember that more than anything you loved him all the way.

Welshchrissy my heart goes out to you.You have done the very best for your DH over the years.
There is only so much one person can do and you have done it.
Nothing will stop the guilt/sadness you are feeling but it is the best decision,?♥️

How sad for everyone this stage of life is
My dad and myself ( only child) had to make this decision for mum her Alzheimer’s was such that she wouldn’t accept help she saw me as the other woman when I tried to help dad she was getting up in the middle if the night to try and cook him dinner she wouldn’t let anyone help her wash or bathe she felt capable I was in full time work and helping with two small grandkids who s dad had recently died so with a heavy heart we decided she had to have more care
That was 17 years ago and I still feel acutely guilty she lived for 7 years and never seemed to settle I visited after work every day It was such a difficult decision and a bleak time of life for us all xx
My thoughts and love go out to all having to make that decision

Oh Welshchrissy, I really feel for you. I am currently just the other side of the line with caring for my friend and companion of 27 years. She is 88 and 21 years older than me with chronic oesteo-arthritis, diabetes and mild but worsening dementia since July 2020 and she has become virtually immobile, loosing the ability to walk and now on morphine for her pain. I care for her 24/7 though we do currently have HomeFirst carers coming in daily to wash and dress her following a recent spell in hospital and currently awaiting an Adult care assesment for her. I gave up work to care for her in 2016 but her health has deteriorated badly this year and the doc is advising she goes into a retirement home but though I am now struggling to care for her and constantly exhausted, backache, sleep deprived and no time for any activities not related to her care and also feel I miss time with my daughter and small grandsons and doing many other ‘normal, everyday’ things, yet the thought of my friend going into care just tears me apart - her too of course, even though she sees why it might come to that! I have cried copious tears at the thought and we have cried together and I just can’t seem to bring myself to force the issue yet even though we both know we can’t go on like this - she slips and falls trying to get out of bed onto her commode and won’t just settle for incontinence pads etc in bed at night, and I cant lift her so it is all becoming untenable …..I really feel your pain and the same sense of guilt will haunt me when/if we become brave enough to make that decision (hopefully together)! In the meantime I feel other emotions , real frustration , despair, even some internalised passive anger at times - it feels at times like drowning and no way to breathe properly! I admire you so very much for finding the incredible courage to do what was absolutely in both your best interests both now and going forward and send you my loving support in one of the hardest things we ever have to face in life! Take care and keep putting both of your good selves first.And having made the right call ……..It WILL get easier seems to be the message on this forum.

I have no direct experience of this, only experience of my elderly mother having to go into care as she was no longer able to care for herself, and we (my husband and I) were not able any longer to meet her needs. It’s difficult for us all, but especially for you as it is your husband and you will miss his company.
I can’t offer any advice but want you to know I’m thinking of you

welshcrissy as others have said what you are feeling is natural.
My beloved SIL looked after my brother at home through most of his years with dementia. He spent his last 18 months in a care home and it gave them both some good, relaxing, happy times together. By the time he went into the care home my SIL was almost at her wits end with how to cope but she was devastated not to have him with her. No one could have done more for my brother than she did. It took a while for them both to adjust but it was for the best and she visited him almost every day. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Take care.

Dh and I have each had to make the decision to put an elderly parent in a care home - both had had dementia for some time.

Not the same as a spouse, I know, but I honestly don’t know anyone who’s been through this without an awful lot of agonised heart-searching first. But so often, by a certain stage, it’s the only way to be sure that a person is going to be properly cared for 24/7 - by which I mean all day, all night, 365 days a year.

I was very fond of my FiL, but quite apart from other factors he could not (for example) be safely left alone even for half an hour - there was no knowing what he might do. In a normal family setting this sort of situation is simply untenable.

I do hope your burden of guilt will ease a little soon.
In case you’re not aware of it, when I was going through all this, with my mother and my FiL, I did find the Alzheimer’s Society Talking Point forum a great help - at least you can offload to people who’ve between there and know exactly what it’s like.

Welshcrissy

Thoughts with you x

You're doing the best for your DH because you care, Welshchrissy, just as you have doe for all those years

He will be somewhere where he can have the higher level of care that he now needs and you can visit him regularly and enjoy your time together.

Oh bless. I’m like others here, I feel so sad for you and can easily anticipate being in this situation myself. I’m sure you’ve heard enough people telling you that you shouldn’t feel guilty but somehow you do. Your life is important too. Are there any support groups, people to talk to where you live? It won’t solve everything but it definitely helps to make you feel less alone. Take care x

Hugs and

welshchrissy, what a sad time for you both, my heart goes out to you.
I don’t have any experience so can’t imagine how hard it must be.
Just wanted to send a hug to you and to all the lovely people on here who have been through the same sadness and are able to give you their support.

As others have said you will now experience quality time with your DH when you visit him. The care and catering will be done by others and you can enjoy your time together. Years ago my MIL lived with me for a while. I was so exhausted with all the necessary jobs that I had no time to sit and chat with her. Once she was in a care home she was dressed etc by others and everything was done so I took her out or played cards or did jigsaws. We were both better for this.

Dear Welshcrissy,
The way you are feeling is perfectly normal, you have cared for your husband for years and done everything humanly possible for him, be very, very proud of yourself for giving him your 100% , but we are humans, we are not robots and we can't go on forever and ever, its impossible. Your husband's needs are becoming more and more and you have to be kind to yourself amongst this, its imperative you look after you.

The new home your husband will live will have the means to look after him 24/7 and you can visit him and see that he is being looked after, as he should and hold your head up, up and be proud of yourself for dedicating your life to him, dont hang your head in sorrow x, raise it up, smile and see that your husband is being looked after, you have done everything humanly possible its now time for you to rest. I send my love to you and as I say, look up, be proud x

You feel bad because it's your duty to care for your family. But if he's better off with professional care...
You've done more than your bit. Do not feel bad.

You are a very brave & caring wife to your OH,give yourself time and look after yourself sending you warm hugs.

Thank you for all your kind words . I know I am doing the best thing for both of us but it is still hard to accept. I am sure that once we get into a routine and I stop being so exhausted and tearful we will start to really appreciate the quality time we can now spend together.

How brave you are to say 'I need help' - such a difficult thing to do.
Take time to 'decompress' from the all-consuming role of day-to-day caring and enjoy building a new routine for both of you.
Wishing you all the best.

I know it is hard to look at these things in an objective and logical way because our emotions are so tied up in it. But, when I found myself in this situation, I listed all the things that my OH would gain from being in the nursing home:

- competent carers who were not (like me) utterly worn out by it all
- proper equipment so he could be moved about smoothly and without discomfort
- help immediately at hand
- I would have the space to be well - not getting up in the night to him ranting, not listening to his illogical accusations, not having to insert suppositories and deal with his catheter, not battling with the surgery to get the right meds at the right time, not having to deal with inefficient carers, not trying to lug him about - even with a standing aid it was very difficult.

I visited him every day, and fell into a new routine. The staff there were supportive to me as well - they would see me arrive and minutes later a cup of peppermint tea would arrive in the room for me.

It was not perfect - because of his paranoia, he believed people were trying to harm him - but it did work out for the best in the end. When the time came he received loving end-of-life care.

Do not feel guilty - there is more than one way to discharge your perceived responsibilities to your husband - you can struggle to do it yourself, or you can hand that task to people more capable who go off duty and are able to recharge their batteries.

Do not feel guilty - you are doing the right thing.

Sorry you are in this situation Welshchrissy and your husband is so ill. You have no need to reproach yourself at all but I know it comes with the territory. When your husband is settled in his new home and you have time to regroup I think things will look very different. You will be able to visit your husband and have a relaxed time with him instead of being weighed down by caring responsibilities. Your husband still needs your support and this is the best way to do it. Best wishes to both of you.

A lot of hugs from me welshchrissy.

This life, it is not a straight road and your husband has reached a bend in his road. I am glad that he is accepting and what a wonderful wife you are, caring for him the way you are doing. It is a huge sudden change for you, it must be like a loss of purpose every day.

Maybe do as I did when my husband passed very suddenly. write a short list before you go to bed, a few things that you could do in the day and include something nice to do for yourself.

Dear Welshchrissy you must be exhausted, on top of all the new things now happening. I hope the many kind and thoughtful comments above help and of course it will take time to adjust. This is a wrench but it’s good that your husband accepts it. It seems to me that you have taken caring and loving decisions together. All the very best for some good times together still to come.

You have given more than your best now is the time to let someone else do the carrying. It must be very hard for you and I hope you have the support of your family.
Take a rest and build up your strength you have a lot of happy times ahead of you visiting.
If it is any help I had to do this with both my mother and MIL and they turned back into the lovely people they could be. Clean and tidy, health care is constantly available. Lifting apparatus on hand and more than one person to care.
You have nothing to be guilty about look after yourself and visit as often as you feel capable of. Best wishes.